Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I felt normal.
With all the life changes, moving and reorganizing, figuring out married life, travel, and insane medical issues overshadowing everything, normal was an unexpected and welcome blessing. I wasn't exhausted or in pain when I woke up, my day at work was quiet yet productive, I walked around downtown running errands without getting winded, I even worked out for the first time in forever, and made a fabulous new recipe for dinner. And then I baked bread, which we all know is one of my favorite things to do (although my sourdough still doesn't taste very sour. We'll give it time). All in all, a great day.
So we end 2009, the biggest year of my life, on a positive note. Today I get to see the Kiwi for the first time in almost six months, and then I go home and spend the evening with my husband, relaxing, enjoying each other, and dreaming for the future. All without feeling like my skin is about to disintegrate. Sounds fabulous to me.
Talk to you next year!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Skin
I've been rather MIA lately, spending most of my nights at home. Some might think this is because of my newlywed status or the move to the hinterlands of Bothell/Mill Creek, but sadly, it is because of my skin.
I've struggled with eczema my entire life. A family history of allergies and a bad case of atopic dermatitis have made me susceptible to flareups of hives, blotchy red skin, crazy itchiness, and the dreaded flaky dryness. When I was younger I had large patches of eczema that would move around my body-backs of my legs, iniside of my arms, even my face at one point. I have been able to manage it pretty well in my adult life-in college people commented on how great my skin was-other than a couple of years of bad bacterial infections that left me with some scarring.
Well, this year has been a doozy. Thanks to what we believe was an allergic reaction to a medication, I broke out in a horrible case of eczema, possibly the worst of my life. What followed was the nightmare of any eczema sufferer: caught in the itch-scratch cycle of death, the skin becomes thin and broken, which results in bacterial infections. Sometimes the infections show up as acne, but this time it showed up as redness and burning over my face, chest, and arms. I looked like I had the worst sunburn of my life, or perhaps had just been pulled out of a burning building.
You know how when you are sick, your body creates a fever, in order to kill off the virus or bacteria that is causing your sickness? Well imagine if that fever was not internal but was in your skin. Heat radiating off your body, causing extreme pain and tightness in the skin, combined with redness, itch, fatigue, and headaches. The only relief came from wrapping myself in cold wet sheets to pull the heat off.
Needless to say, this situation has not made me very social. Who wants to go hang out when you are tired, burning up with feverish skin, and have a blotchy red face and neck? And next week I head out to Kentucky to meet all the new relatives over Christmas, a stress-inducing situation that would just be made worse by my illness.
My wonderful husband has been my rock through all of this, taking care of me and making life less hopeless. He's been cooking and cleaning and wrapping me in wet sheets and keeping a steady stream of audio-visual entertainment coming for these nights when I come home and collapse. And in the midst of it all, he still makes me feel beautiful and wanted, even when I am tempted to feel like an ugly burden. He comforts me, prays with me, and generally makes life worth living.
But thank goodness, I was finally able to get in to a new allergist this week. I've got quite the drug cocktail going of things to kill the infection and calm the allergic response. And three days in I no longer have to wrap myself in cold sheets and don't look like a burn victim. I'm still working through all the symptoms, but at least I feel like I might be able to be seen in public this weekend. So I hope I see you, my friends that I miss, and hope that you will pray for my continued healing.
I've struggled with eczema my entire life. A family history of allergies and a bad case of atopic dermatitis have made me susceptible to flareups of hives, blotchy red skin, crazy itchiness, and the dreaded flaky dryness. When I was younger I had large patches of eczema that would move around my body-backs of my legs, iniside of my arms, even my face at one point. I have been able to manage it pretty well in my adult life-in college people commented on how great my skin was-other than a couple of years of bad bacterial infections that left me with some scarring.
Well, this year has been a doozy. Thanks to what we believe was an allergic reaction to a medication, I broke out in a horrible case of eczema, possibly the worst of my life. What followed was the nightmare of any eczema sufferer: caught in the itch-scratch cycle of death, the skin becomes thin and broken, which results in bacterial infections. Sometimes the infections show up as acne, but this time it showed up as redness and burning over my face, chest, and arms. I looked like I had the worst sunburn of my life, or perhaps had just been pulled out of a burning building.
You know how when you are sick, your body creates a fever, in order to kill off the virus or bacteria that is causing your sickness? Well imagine if that fever was not internal but was in your skin. Heat radiating off your body, causing extreme pain and tightness in the skin, combined with redness, itch, fatigue, and headaches. The only relief came from wrapping myself in cold wet sheets to pull the heat off.
Needless to say, this situation has not made me very social. Who wants to go hang out when you are tired, burning up with feverish skin, and have a blotchy red face and neck? And next week I head out to Kentucky to meet all the new relatives over Christmas, a stress-inducing situation that would just be made worse by my illness.
My wonderful husband has been my rock through all of this, taking care of me and making life less hopeless. He's been cooking and cleaning and wrapping me in wet sheets and keeping a steady stream of audio-visual entertainment coming for these nights when I come home and collapse. And in the midst of it all, he still makes me feel beautiful and wanted, even when I am tempted to feel like an ugly burden. He comforts me, prays with me, and generally makes life worth living.
But thank goodness, I was finally able to get in to a new allergist this week. I've got quite the drug cocktail going of things to kill the infection and calm the allergic response. And three days in I no longer have to wrap myself in cold sheets and don't look like a burn victim. I'm still working through all the symptoms, but at least I feel like I might be able to be seen in public this weekend. So I hope I see you, my friends that I miss, and hope that you will pray for my continued healing.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Advent Conspiracy
Oh how glad I am that this movement got some press time!
My family stopped exchanging gifts back when I was five years old. Over the years we have chosen other things to do to celebrate-volunteering, making baskets of goodies for neighbors and friends, donating to organizations who will provide goats and chickens and such to families in third world countries. I give gifts to a few friends, but never make a Christmas list and am slightly appalled at the excess of consumerism that seems to have taken over the system.
I don't really get the Focus on the Family Stand for Christmas campaign either. Why do we want to make sure that Christmas is associated with rampant materialism and corporate greed? For more on this topic, check out the Raccoon's blog, which I thought put it very eloquently.
Gifts should be an expression of love, one that comes from a desire to bless, not a sense of obligation or desire to keep up appearances. Christmas gifts can be that, but it is also very easy to get caught up in the world's perspective on possessions and status. We would do well to examine our motives and teach our children why we give at Christmas.
My family stopped exchanging gifts back when I was five years old. Over the years we have chosen other things to do to celebrate-volunteering, making baskets of goodies for neighbors and friends, donating to organizations who will provide goats and chickens and such to families in third world countries. I give gifts to a few friends, but never make a Christmas list and am slightly appalled at the excess of consumerism that seems to have taken over the system.
I don't really get the Focus on the Family Stand for Christmas campaign either. Why do we want to make sure that Christmas is associated with rampant materialism and corporate greed? For more on this topic, check out the Raccoon's blog, which I thought put it very eloquently.
Gifts should be an expression of love, one that comes from a desire to bless, not a sense of obligation or desire to keep up appearances. Christmas gifts can be that, but it is also very easy to get caught up in the world's perspective on possessions and status. We would do well to examine our motives and teach our children why we give at Christmas.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sartorial Notes
Several years ago at work I had the following conversation regarding my wardrobe:
Coworker: "All you ever wear is purple and black."
Me: "That's not true!"
CW: "You're wearing purple and black right now!"
Me: "No I'm not. I'm wearing gray and lavender."
Variations on this conversation have popped up over the years, and I am known for my fierce devotion to purple as a fashion do (although, I have to say, usually a decorating don't. You'll never find me painting my walls violet or fuchsia). I also wear a LOT of black. It's simple, classic, slimming. Always in style, easy to accessorize, and good with my skin tone. I've tried to mix things up with some gray pieces, which has been fairly successful. For awhile my work wardrobe was some variation of this outfit: suit jacket with pants or skirt, in black or gray, and some purplish top. Less successful is expanding into navy blue-most navy pieces are for either a) women over 50 b) sailors or c) women of any age wanting to look like sailors. I don't know why navy is considered an "older woman" color-a sharply tailored navy suit is quite smashing with a silvery lavender blouse or a jewel toned shell. But just try to find cute shoes to go with said navy suit, and you find that the prejudice against navy runs deep. I've been looking for four years and am starting to lose hope.
Lately though I have circled back around to another neutral: brown. You would think with my olive skin, brown hair, and hazel eyes, brown clothing would be a no-brainer for me. However, I find it much more difficult to work into my wardrobe. Browns come in too many non-matching shades to match easily (whereas black always goes with black, unless you do a horrible job washing it and your black item is now off-black). Also, some browns simply clash with my hair. Strange but true: was in Old Navy the other day looking at their cute cardigans, and as fabulous as the brown was on the display, when I tried it on it looked horrible next to my particular shade of brown hair. I compromised with purchasing the pink, as it goes well with both my hair and brown clothes.
Why this sudden foray back into the world of brown? Well, I have always had a few brown pieces, and therefore I had a brown coat and a brown bag. The bag is fabulous, but the coat had seen better days. While on my honeymoon, I came across the most sumptuous brown suede jacket, complete with fuzzy lining and faux fur accented hood. After seeing my face light up when trying it on, my generous husband promptly bought said jacket. While I have never been a big fan of fur, real or otherwise, somehow it works on this coat, and I just feel extra warm and comfy in this jacket.
With the jacket purchased and a great bag already in my collection, it was time to upgrade the brown boots. One must always have boots in black and brown, because there is no surviving winter without them, but my brown boots had been purchased at either Payless or JCPenney, neither stores known for their long-lasting quality footwear. The boots were accordingly quite run down. So I bought these, which I had been drooling over for quite awhile, biding my time until a good sale+coupon deal came along. Originally $150, purchased for $80, supremely comfy and stylish. I am wearing them as I type, and couldn't be happier.
Now I am on the prowl for brown and tan skirts, since a skirt with a good pair of boots is one of the cutest outfits around. I have a few brown shirts, so a nice tan skirt like this snazzy one from NY&Co seems like it would fit the bill quite nicely. NY&Co also has this cute skirt, although the photo online doesn't seem that brown to me. I'm looking for a good chocolate color.
(Of course, in the searching for skirts, I came across this gorgeous crimson number at Ann Taylor. My favorite non-neutrals to wear are in fact purple, cobalt blue, and dark red, and I love a strong dark red bottom with a black top. This is taking me away from my new brown commitment, but hey, nothing is going to take me away from my classic black look, not even the coziest coat of all time.)
(And furthermore, going to Ann Taylor is dangerous, because I will inevitably find several hundred dollars' worth of goodies I would like to purchase, such as this phenomenal dress. And if I wore pointy-toed shoes, I would totally buy these kitten heels.)
But back to the brown. It's harder than usual to find good brown pieces-perhaps it is not as popular this year, or (perish the thought) it too has been relegated to the world of navy, limited in style and options. But I seem to remember several seasons over the last decade where brown was considered the 'it' neutral of the moment, so I won't despair. I'm sure in a week the fashion gurus will have declared gray to be old and dull, and chocolate brown the greatest thing since women stopped wearing corsets and hoop skirts.
I'm not giving up my favorites, of course. One thing I tell people who ask me for fashion advice is to find what works on you-both colors and styles-and then don't compromise on that just to please the fashion mavens. Fortunately, purple looks really good on me, and so I have no qualms buying a lot of it. And brown and purple? Perfect combo.
So the next time someone says all I ever wear is black and purple, I can correct them and inform them that I also wear brown and purple!
Coworker: "All you ever wear is purple and black."
Me: "That's not true!"
CW: "You're wearing purple and black right now!"
Me: "No I'm not. I'm wearing gray and lavender."
Variations on this conversation have popped up over the years, and I am known for my fierce devotion to purple as a fashion do (although, I have to say, usually a decorating don't. You'll never find me painting my walls violet or fuchsia). I also wear a LOT of black. It's simple, classic, slimming. Always in style, easy to accessorize, and good with my skin tone. I've tried to mix things up with some gray pieces, which has been fairly successful. For awhile my work wardrobe was some variation of this outfit: suit jacket with pants or skirt, in black or gray, and some purplish top. Less successful is expanding into navy blue-most navy pieces are for either a) women over 50 b) sailors or c) women of any age wanting to look like sailors. I don't know why navy is considered an "older woman" color-a sharply tailored navy suit is quite smashing with a silvery lavender blouse or a jewel toned shell. But just try to find cute shoes to go with said navy suit, and you find that the prejudice against navy runs deep. I've been looking for four years and am starting to lose hope.
Lately though I have circled back around to another neutral: brown. You would think with my olive skin, brown hair, and hazel eyes, brown clothing would be a no-brainer for me. However, I find it much more difficult to work into my wardrobe. Browns come in too many non-matching shades to match easily (whereas black always goes with black, unless you do a horrible job washing it and your black item is now off-black). Also, some browns simply clash with my hair. Strange but true: was in Old Navy the other day looking at their cute cardigans, and as fabulous as the brown was on the display, when I tried it on it looked horrible next to my particular shade of brown hair. I compromised with purchasing the pink, as it goes well with both my hair and brown clothes.
Why this sudden foray back into the world of brown? Well, I have always had a few brown pieces, and therefore I had a brown coat and a brown bag. The bag is fabulous, but the coat had seen better days. While on my honeymoon, I came across the most sumptuous brown suede jacket, complete with fuzzy lining and faux fur accented hood. After seeing my face light up when trying it on, my generous husband promptly bought said jacket. While I have never been a big fan of fur, real or otherwise, somehow it works on this coat, and I just feel extra warm and comfy in this jacket.
With the jacket purchased and a great bag already in my collection, it was time to upgrade the brown boots. One must always have boots in black and brown, because there is no surviving winter without them, but my brown boots had been purchased at either Payless or JCPenney, neither stores known for their long-lasting quality footwear. The boots were accordingly quite run down. So I bought these, which I had been drooling over for quite awhile, biding my time until a good sale+coupon deal came along. Originally $150, purchased for $80, supremely comfy and stylish. I am wearing them as I type, and couldn't be happier.
Now I am on the prowl for brown and tan skirts, since a skirt with a good pair of boots is one of the cutest outfits around. I have a few brown shirts, so a nice tan skirt like this snazzy one from NY&Co seems like it would fit the bill quite nicely. NY&Co also has this cute skirt, although the photo online doesn't seem that brown to me. I'm looking for a good chocolate color.
(Of course, in the searching for skirts, I came across this gorgeous crimson number at Ann Taylor. My favorite non-neutrals to wear are in fact purple, cobalt blue, and dark red, and I love a strong dark red bottom with a black top. This is taking me away from my new brown commitment, but hey, nothing is going to take me away from my classic black look, not even the coziest coat of all time.)
(And furthermore, going to Ann Taylor is dangerous, because I will inevitably find several hundred dollars' worth of goodies I would like to purchase, such as this phenomenal dress. And if I wore pointy-toed shoes, I would totally buy these kitten heels.)
But back to the brown. It's harder than usual to find good brown pieces-perhaps it is not as popular this year, or (perish the thought) it too has been relegated to the world of navy, limited in style and options. But I seem to remember several seasons over the last decade where brown was considered the 'it' neutral of the moment, so I won't despair. I'm sure in a week the fashion gurus will have declared gray to be old and dull, and chocolate brown the greatest thing since women stopped wearing corsets and hoop skirts.
I'm not giving up my favorites, of course. One thing I tell people who ask me for fashion advice is to find what works on you-both colors and styles-and then don't compromise on that just to please the fashion mavens. Fortunately, purple looks really good on me, and so I have no qualms buying a lot of it. And brown and purple? Perfect combo.
So the next time someone says all I ever wear is black and purple, I can correct them and inform them that I also wear brown and purple!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Barefoot, but not pregnant, in the kitchen
In the short time since we have been home from our honeymoon, I have spent considerable time nesting. This has included some unpacking and organizing, as well as some discussions around possible remodel projects (including last night's trip to Home Depot, which I believe was for moral support, as I am completely worthless as a source of any real home repair/remodel expertise). The majority of my time and effort, however, has gone into cooking: reading recipes, planning meals, grocery shopping, and experimenting in the kitchen.
I've always loved to cook and bake but there is an amazing freedom (real or imagined) that comes from having your own kitchen. While I do share this space with a husband perfectly capable of creating excellent meals, there is a certain immediate ownership that has been granted me as the wife. I look at the food ads and make the menu and grocery list, and Jer gets to come home to warm homecooked meal. It's the least I can do, considering he gets up early and makes me coffee and breakfast every morning. What a guy!
Adding to the excitement of having my own kitchen is the acquisition through several generous wedding gifts of a host of kitchen appliances. I now own a cuisinart, a wafflemaker, an ice cream maker, several excellent pots and pans, a whole host of baking pans and dishes, and the grand poobah of the kitchen: my Kitchen Aid Onyx Black Pro 600 Stand Mixer. I grew up with a kitchenaid and I absolutely love it. It was definitely my number one "love to have" on our registry. Sunday we made waffles for brunch and then I whipped up a batch of peanut butter cookies on a whim, just because I could. So fast, so easy.
I've been collecting recipes for years now, subscribing to blogs and email lists from places like allrecipes.com. While I was able to try a few out in my year at the yellow house, I was still living a very busy life and sharing the kitchen with four other people. Now I have free reign to experiment and work through all those recipes, as well as new ideas from recent book acquisitions. Just last week I made an easy fettucine with awesome roasted broccoli, my old favorite taco soup, and chicken thighs in white wine with roasted red potatoes, yams, and tomatoes (in this last one I took two recipes and combined them, using what I liked, and ignoring what I didn't. It was superb). Tonight we are experimenting with broccoli cheddar soup. Mmmmm...
My efforts must be paying off, because not only does my husband seem very happy about his well-fed status, but he just bought materials for a new butcher block countertop for the island. I'm not going to be able to make much for the next few days, but when he's done it will be fabulous and functional. Now if I can just get the rest of the house clean and put together, I might be able to invite some of you over to help Jer with the taste-testing!
I've always loved to cook and bake but there is an amazing freedom (real or imagined) that comes from having your own kitchen. While I do share this space with a husband perfectly capable of creating excellent meals, there is a certain immediate ownership that has been granted me as the wife. I look at the food ads and make the menu and grocery list, and Jer gets to come home to warm homecooked meal. It's the least I can do, considering he gets up early and makes me coffee and breakfast every morning. What a guy!
Adding to the excitement of having my own kitchen is the acquisition through several generous wedding gifts of a host of kitchen appliances. I now own a cuisinart, a wafflemaker, an ice cream maker, several excellent pots and pans, a whole host of baking pans and dishes, and the grand poobah of the kitchen: my Kitchen Aid Onyx Black Pro 600 Stand Mixer. I grew up with a kitchenaid and I absolutely love it. It was definitely my number one "love to have" on our registry. Sunday we made waffles for brunch and then I whipped up a batch of peanut butter cookies on a whim, just because I could. So fast, so easy.
I've been collecting recipes for years now, subscribing to blogs and email lists from places like allrecipes.com. While I was able to try a few out in my year at the yellow house, I was still living a very busy life and sharing the kitchen with four other people. Now I have free reign to experiment and work through all those recipes, as well as new ideas from recent book acquisitions. Just last week I made an easy fettucine with awesome roasted broccoli, my old favorite taco soup, and chicken thighs in white wine with roasted red potatoes, yams, and tomatoes (in this last one I took two recipes and combined them, using what I liked, and ignoring what I didn't. It was superb). Tonight we are experimenting with broccoli cheddar soup. Mmmmm...
My efforts must be paying off, because not only does my husband seem very happy about his well-fed status, but he just bought materials for a new butcher block countertop for the island. I'm not going to be able to make much for the next few days, but when he's done it will be fabulous and functional. Now if I can just get the rest of the house clean and put together, I might be able to invite some of you over to help Jer with the taste-testing!
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Marriage
I'm married.
Sometimes I stop and look up at the sky and say, "REALLY?!?!?!" in wonder and amazement at the blessings of our God. I am married, to an amazing man, who loves God and loves people and loves me.
Requited love is seriously awesome.
My husband (oh, how I love saying that) is also quite awesome. He spoiled me rotten on my honeymoon, not only materially with gifts and dinners out and such but also with his tender loving care. Any man out there who is or wants to be a husband should know that the traits which truly make a wife tremble with delight are as follows: gentleness, faithfulness, sincerity, lovingkindness, patience, servanthood, confidence, encouragement, passion, and a good dose of silliness. My husband possesses these traits in spades.
It's easy for folks to dismiss my gushing as newlywed bliss, but my mom speaks of these traits in my father, and how they still make her giddy, even after twenty-something years of marriage. The trick, I think, is to keep this constant love and gratitude alive. It is too easy to let apathy and irritation steal the joy of these blessed times, when what we need is to live in this sense of goodness and blessing always, no matter the circumstances.
It's the same way with God I think-we lose our utter devotion and sense of awe, our giddy enjoyment of the presence of the Savior. Pastor Eugene reminded us this weekend in his sermon that God is amazing-absolutely astounding-and He is pursuing us, which is even more incredible! And so we must give our lives to Him, pursue Him as He draws us near. This is why marriage is an example of the mystery of Christ and the church-a constant cycle of love and pursuit, of fulfillment and desire, of service and blessing. But it must be lived out each and every moment. We cannot let love die on the vine.
I seek to love God and my husband with an ever-growing, ever-deepening love, a love that will not grow stagnant through the years but will instead be full of joy as the decades pass.
Here's to joy, and being happily married.
Sometimes I stop and look up at the sky and say, "REALLY?!?!?!" in wonder and amazement at the blessings of our God. I am married, to an amazing man, who loves God and loves people and loves me.
Requited love is seriously awesome.
My husband (oh, how I love saying that) is also quite awesome. He spoiled me rotten on my honeymoon, not only materially with gifts and dinners out and such but also with his tender loving care. Any man out there who is or wants to be a husband should know that the traits which truly make a wife tremble with delight are as follows: gentleness, faithfulness, sincerity, lovingkindness, patience, servanthood, confidence, encouragement, passion, and a good dose of silliness. My husband possesses these traits in spades.
It's easy for folks to dismiss my gushing as newlywed bliss, but my mom speaks of these traits in my father, and how they still make her giddy, even after twenty-something years of marriage. The trick, I think, is to keep this constant love and gratitude alive. It is too easy to let apathy and irritation steal the joy of these blessed times, when what we need is to live in this sense of goodness and blessing always, no matter the circumstances.
It's the same way with God I think-we lose our utter devotion and sense of awe, our giddy enjoyment of the presence of the Savior. Pastor Eugene reminded us this weekend in his sermon that God is amazing-absolutely astounding-and He is pursuing us, which is even more incredible! And so we must give our lives to Him, pursue Him as He draws us near. This is why marriage is an example of the mystery of Christ and the church-a constant cycle of love and pursuit, of fulfillment and desire, of service and blessing. But it must be lived out each and every moment. We cannot let love die on the vine.
I seek to love God and my husband with an ever-growing, ever-deepening love, a love that will not grow stagnant through the years but will instead be full of joy as the decades pass.
Here's to joy, and being happily married.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Bridesmaids
Last night was my bachelorette party. It was a fabulous relaxing evening of pampering and good food, good drinks, and excellent company.
I have seven bridesmaids. One is unfortunately locked away in a hostel in Ireland, so only six will be at the wedding. Those six were together in the same room last night for the very first time. It was amazing to look around and this group of girls, recognizing what they mean to me, and yet how different they all are. They represent many years of friendships, many stages of my life, many facets of my personality. You can read more about each one here.
I'm glad to have such a diverse group of friends. I consider myself a pretty complex person, and each one of them draws out a different side of me. They have been with me through growing up years, times of joy and times of sadness, times of struggle and times of fun. They make me more myself. I am very very blessed.
It will be awesome to have them all up there with me tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
I'm getting married tomorrow!!!
I have seven bridesmaids. One is unfortunately locked away in a hostel in Ireland, so only six will be at the wedding. Those six were together in the same room last night for the very first time. It was amazing to look around and this group of girls, recognizing what they mean to me, and yet how different they all are. They represent many years of friendships, many stages of my life, many facets of my personality. You can read more about each one here.
I'm glad to have such a diverse group of friends. I consider myself a pretty complex person, and each one of them draws out a different side of me. They have been with me through growing up years, times of joy and times of sadness, times of struggle and times of fun. They make me more myself. I am very very blessed.
It will be awesome to have them all up there with me tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
I'm getting married tomorrow!!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Ending Global Poverty
My selfish side wants to post about wedding stuff and how tired I am and excited to be getting married on Saturday. But today is a very special day for my church community and my pastor Eugene Cho. Not only is this his birthday, but today he and his family are launching their new nonprofit One Day's Wages. This has been a long time coming, from vision to early planning to final preparations for the launch today. It's been great to be a part of it in some small way, and to finally see the fruit of all the hard work that has been put into it.
Take a look around the site, calculate your one day's wages, make a donation. Jer and I are proud to partner with Eugene and Minhee, and everyone else who is supporting the cause of ending global poverty. This is something we can and should make a priority in our lives, both as Christians and as citizens of this world.
Take a look around the site, calculate your one day's wages, make a donation. Jer and I are proud to partner with Eugene and Minhee, and everyone else who is supporting the cause of ending global poverty. This is something we can and should make a priority in our lives, both as Christians and as citizens of this world.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Meditations on the Miracle
The wedding is 9 (!!!) days away, and planning is finally winding down. Most of the major stuff is done and now we are just wrapping up lose ends, printing programs, buying foodstuffs, finding folks to help serve punch and pack up rental items and the like. In the midst of all the planning I have been trying to spend some time reading up on this marriage thing I am starting on. There are a plethora of marriage books out there so I have tried to be selective, taking recommendations from folks I trust and looking up authors I have read before that I feel have good theology.
My picks have ranged from old spiritual classics to fun books on having a great sex life. The best book I have read so far is Intimate Allies by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman. Hands-down, it is the best combination of the spiritual and the practical, discussing both the whys and hows of creating and keeping a strong, spiritually and emotionally vibrant marriage. It's definitely one I will reread.
Another recommended title was Mike Mason's The Mystery of Marriage. When I first started reading it, I found it a bit heady and theoretical, and in my stressed-out state I found that I had trouble wading through his wordy ruminations on his wonder at how surprising marriage is. But I've dug back into it the past few days, and I've been able to appreciate it a bit more. Maybe I am not as stressed (not likely) or maybe it is just that every now and then I stop and look up in amazement as I consider the fact that in just a few more days I will be a married woman, with a new name and a new role. I'm thrilled, excited, and more than a little awestruck at this blessing.
So I've enjoyed the meditations more. A few passages in his chapter on vows that struck me in my reading yesterday:
And he goes on and on, challenging our shallow ideas of love and commitment. He really digs deep into the spiritual reality of seeking to love another person wholeheartedly, of giving your life to them. It's good stuff. And despite the enormity of this choice, this vow I am making, I am more excited than ever to walk into this marriage with God's grace and love empowering me to love this man I have been blessed with.
My picks have ranged from old spiritual classics to fun books on having a great sex life. The best book I have read so far is Intimate Allies by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman. Hands-down, it is the best combination of the spiritual and the practical, discussing both the whys and hows of creating and keeping a strong, spiritually and emotionally vibrant marriage. It's definitely one I will reread.
Another recommended title was Mike Mason's The Mystery of Marriage. When I first started reading it, I found it a bit heady and theoretical, and in my stressed-out state I found that I had trouble wading through his wordy ruminations on his wonder at how surprising marriage is. But I've dug back into it the past few days, and I've been able to appreciate it a bit more. Maybe I am not as stressed (not likely) or maybe it is just that every now and then I stop and look up in amazement as I consider the fact that in just a few more days I will be a married woman, with a new name and a new role. I'm thrilled, excited, and more than a little awestruck at this blessing.
So I've enjoyed the meditations more. A few passages in his chapter on vows that struck me in my reading yesterday:
"God is not interested, ultimately, in natural attraction. He wants us to come to know the supernatural attraction of His own sort of love."
"When we surrender to marriage and to the sinner God once unaccountably gave us the ability to love, then we surrender in faith and in the very depth of our will to God Himself."
"Marriage is one of the supreme earthly ways by which God enables men and women to choose eternity, and actually to grow into His own changelessness and constancy by slowly acquiring the only constancy that is possible in this world of decay, which is the constancy of the heart, the constancy of loving faithfulness."
"While it is true that a man and a woman on their wedding day take a step toward a unique fulfillment of the commandment of love, it is even more true to say of matrimony that it is a sacramental outpouring of God's grace enabling such love to take place."
And he goes on and on, challenging our shallow ideas of love and commitment. He really digs deep into the spiritual reality of seeking to love another person wholeheartedly, of giving your life to them. It's good stuff. And despite the enormity of this choice, this vow I am making, I am more excited than ever to walk into this marriage with God's grace and love empowering me to love this man I have been blessed with.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Foodstuffs
We went to Maggiano's in Bellevue for dinner last night. I had been there once for a corporate event, but that is not the same as the actual dining room experience. We were seated right away and greeted promptly by our very energetic waitress (this was in contrast to our experience at a different establishment on Saturday when we were ignored for ten minutes, after which we went and talked to the manager and finally got some service). The perky gal asked us if we had ever been there before and when we said no, she said that she would get something special for us. This I found confusing, and kind of dismissed, until the executive chef herself came out from the kitchen with a complimentary appetizer and thanked us for coming in and thanked our waitress for introducing us.
I love it when restaurants take that extra step. They could have just provided good food and prompt service and it would have been fine. But taking the time to make a personal gesture went a long way. It also seemed to be a corporate culture-the front of the house manager also stopped by to ask us how our evening was going.
The food was excellent by the way-some of the best manicotti I have ever tasted (the chicken was so tender, it was almost like crab) and Jer's butternut squash ravioli was fabulous. And they had a great program where you could choose two half-portions of pasta, eating one at the table and having the other packaged and ready at the end of the meal. So you paid a normal entree price, but ate a reasonable amount, and had leftovers ready for you. Much healthier portions and a smart way to create value for the customer.
The dessert wasn't spectacular (I'm really not a fan of dry cake) but the wine and coffee were good and the entire experience was enjoyable. So if you find yourself over at Lincoln Square one evening and want a really great Italian food experience, try out Maggiano's.
Since we are talking about food, I should share that we have the menu set for our reception. Jer's chef friends Aaron H and Jamie K collaborated on the menu and Aaron will be cooking up the goods. We wanted a tapas-style setup-with an afternoon reception and a huge guest list we didn't want a full sit-down meal. Somehow through the discussion of our food likes and dislikes and their amazing creativity they came up with this fabulous list of tastiness:
-Moroccan Seared Beef
-Roasted Portabella Mushrooms with Lemon zest and truffle oil
-Sweet Grilled Butternut squash with Coriander
-Molasses roasted pears
-Mediterranean spiced risotto
-Muhumarra with walnut oil and Pomegranate Molasses
-Hummus with Roasted garlic and cumin
-Grilled flat bread with fig jam and olive oil
-Fresh Spinach with Garlic, roasted red pepper and lemon
I love the Mediterranean theme (it's kind of an unconscious nod to my Syrian heritage), as well as the inclusion of figs, since that is my animal/vegetable/mineral alter ego (if this confuses you, talk to my roommate Bethany). And really, these are some of my favorite foods: mushrooms, squash, red pepper, pears, hummus, spinach. I am very excited to have these tastes and smells at my reception. I only hope I get to eat a bite of everything in the midst of the celebration!
I love it when restaurants take that extra step. They could have just provided good food and prompt service and it would have been fine. But taking the time to make a personal gesture went a long way. It also seemed to be a corporate culture-the front of the house manager also stopped by to ask us how our evening was going.
The food was excellent by the way-some of the best manicotti I have ever tasted (the chicken was so tender, it was almost like crab) and Jer's butternut squash ravioli was fabulous. And they had a great program where you could choose two half-portions of pasta, eating one at the table and having the other packaged and ready at the end of the meal. So you paid a normal entree price, but ate a reasonable amount, and had leftovers ready for you. Much healthier portions and a smart way to create value for the customer.
The dessert wasn't spectacular (I'm really not a fan of dry cake) but the wine and coffee were good and the entire experience was enjoyable. So if you find yourself over at Lincoln Square one evening and want a really great Italian food experience, try out Maggiano's.
Since we are talking about food, I should share that we have the menu set for our reception. Jer's chef friends Aaron H and Jamie K collaborated on the menu and Aaron will be cooking up the goods. We wanted a tapas-style setup-with an afternoon reception and a huge guest list we didn't want a full sit-down meal. Somehow through the discussion of our food likes and dislikes and their amazing creativity they came up with this fabulous list of tastiness:
-Moroccan Seared Beef
-Roasted Portabella Mushrooms with Lemon zest and truffle oil
-Sweet Grilled Butternut squash with Coriander
-Molasses roasted pears
-Mediterranean spiced risotto
-Muhumarra with walnut oil and Pomegranate Molasses
-Hummus with Roasted garlic and cumin
-Grilled flat bread with fig jam and olive oil
-Fresh Spinach with Garlic, roasted red pepper and lemon
I love the Mediterranean theme (it's kind of an unconscious nod to my Syrian heritage), as well as the inclusion of figs, since that is my animal/vegetable/mineral alter ego (if this confuses you, talk to my roommate Bethany). And really, these are some of my favorite foods: mushrooms, squash, red pepper, pears, hummus, spinach. I am very excited to have these tastes and smells at my reception. I only hope I get to eat a bite of everything in the midst of the celebration!
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Three Weeks
There is a point in wedding planning where you just want it to be done. You had your fun, and now you want the wedding to be here, today, because you don't want to plan anymore, you just want to get married.
I am at that point, but there is still alot to do. Confirming things with the chef friend, putting in the rental order, picking up the dress that should have been done last week (wtf!) figuring out the ceremony order and printing programs, choosing music. And then there is packing and moving my stuff and figuring out what to wear after the reception and what to pack for the honeymoon. Most importantly though, there is trying to work on being mentally and emotionally and spiritually ready to be a wife.
I think I'm ready. Things may not be done, but I am ready to walk down that aisle. I'm ready for his house to be our house. I'm ready to be Mrs. Anderson.
Now if I can just get everything else ready in the next three weeks, I will be good to go.
I am at that point, but there is still alot to do. Confirming things with the chef friend, putting in the rental order, picking up the dress that should have been done last week (wtf!) figuring out the ceremony order and printing programs, choosing music. And then there is packing and moving my stuff and figuring out what to wear after the reception and what to pack for the honeymoon. Most importantly though, there is trying to work on being mentally and emotionally and spiritually ready to be a wife.
I think I'm ready. Things may not be done, but I am ready to walk down that aisle. I'm ready for his house to be our house. I'm ready to be Mrs. Anderson.
Now if I can just get everything else ready in the next three weeks, I will be good to go.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
One Month
I am getting married in a month.
OmigoodnessIamgettingmarriedinamonthI'msoEXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hehehehehe....
OmigoodnessIamgettingmarriedinamonthI'msoEXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hehehehehe....
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Seattle
I woke up this morning rather on time for a change. Made a good breakfast, got ready, packed my gym bag and headed out the door. There is an early morning chill right now that says it is fall, even if the midday temperatures are still in summer mode, and I had to wait for my car to defog a bit before heading out to the transit center to catch the bus downtown. I pulled out of my street, turned onto Wallingford Ave, and there before me I could see Seattle in all its glory, sunlight reflecting off the skyscrapers in the mist.
And I realized, I won't have that view first thing in the morning for much longer.
Jer owns a house in Bothell. Well, he says it's Mill Creek, but the post office claims it is Bothell, and I tend to be a stickler for legal descriptions. Really, it is a no-man's land at the convergence of a bunch of places: just north of where I5 meets 405, if you head west half a mile you are in Lynnwood; go east half a mile and you are in Mill Creek proper.
It's a nice house-even though I have never been much for split level construction it has its own charm and the floor plan works pretty well. Our yard is kind of awkward but there is a prettyish sort of wilderness on one side and a peaceful place to sit and read. I feel at home there, and look forward to converting it from the nerdy bachelor pad it is to a good joint expression of us. Jer wants to remodel the kitchen and build me a walk-in closet; I want to paint the walls and buy patio furniture. And it is wonderful, in the midst of all the planning craziness and the moving and the big life change of marriage, to not have to worry about finding a place to live.
But still, it's Bothell. It's an hour commute to work, half an hour (in good traffic) to church. Far from my friends in Seattle, my family in Burien, my favorite places like Kerry Park and Greenlake. I'll go from being able to walk to the lake or bus downtown to the market to living in suburbia. I can't really say that I live in Seattle anymore-although I'll probably try to pull something like "I live just north of Seattle" or "I live in the Seattle area." For the past ten years I have loved saying that I live in Seattle. Even when I was living with my parents in Burien I put Seattle as my address because we lived right on the line (wait, that's what Jer does with his Mill Creek thing. I guess I have to stop teasing him about that. Oh well.) I just love Seattle. A lot.
But I love Jer more.
I have always said that I only had three relationship dealbreakers: he had to be a passionate Christian, he had to want kids, and he had to want to live in Seattle. I was talking to my mom awhile back, before Jer and I were engaged, when I was deciding that he was the man for me. My mom asked what I would do if Jer was called to live somewhere else, to leave the Northwest, to go serve the Lord in a foreign country or take care of family back east or some such thing. And in the process of mulling over that question I realized that I would follow him anywhere, that while I would be sad, I would go. I felt the conviction in my soul that truly, home is wherever he is.
That doesn't mean that I would ever really want to leave, or that I won't still fight passionately for raising our kids in Seattle. Really, a house in Wallingford or somewhere around Greenlake has always been my ideal. And I will miss my current house, with my awesome roomies and my easy access lifestyle. But I would do just about anything to live with this man I love. I'll brave the commute and the rising gas costs and the suburban shopping centers, just to be there to take him in my arms when he gets home from a long day at the office.
So come October, my address will no longer be Seattle. And I will be happy about it. I'm also excited to learn that there will be a Quest Northside Community Group just down the street from us. And who knows, if the real estate market ever recovers, maybe someday soon we can sell the Bothell house and move back down to Seattle. Jer is not averse to the idea-the more I show him around Seattle the more he seems to like it. Someday perhaps my kids can wake up to a view of Seattle out their bedroom window. I hope they will love this city as much as I do.
And I realized, I won't have that view first thing in the morning for much longer.
Jer owns a house in Bothell. Well, he says it's Mill Creek, but the post office claims it is Bothell, and I tend to be a stickler for legal descriptions. Really, it is a no-man's land at the convergence of a bunch of places: just north of where I5 meets 405, if you head west half a mile you are in Lynnwood; go east half a mile and you are in Mill Creek proper.
It's a nice house-even though I have never been much for split level construction it has its own charm and the floor plan works pretty well. Our yard is kind of awkward but there is a prettyish sort of wilderness on one side and a peaceful place to sit and read. I feel at home there, and look forward to converting it from the nerdy bachelor pad it is to a good joint expression of us. Jer wants to remodel the kitchen and build me a walk-in closet; I want to paint the walls and buy patio furniture. And it is wonderful, in the midst of all the planning craziness and the moving and the big life change of marriage, to not have to worry about finding a place to live.
But still, it's Bothell. It's an hour commute to work, half an hour (in good traffic) to church. Far from my friends in Seattle, my family in Burien, my favorite places like Kerry Park and Greenlake. I'll go from being able to walk to the lake or bus downtown to the market to living in suburbia. I can't really say that I live in Seattle anymore-although I'll probably try to pull something like "I live just north of Seattle" or "I live in the Seattle area." For the past ten years I have loved saying that I live in Seattle. Even when I was living with my parents in Burien I put Seattle as my address because we lived right on the line (wait, that's what Jer does with his Mill Creek thing. I guess I have to stop teasing him about that. Oh well.) I just love Seattle. A lot.
But I love Jer more.
I have always said that I only had three relationship dealbreakers: he had to be a passionate Christian, he had to want kids, and he had to want to live in Seattle. I was talking to my mom awhile back, before Jer and I were engaged, when I was deciding that he was the man for me. My mom asked what I would do if Jer was called to live somewhere else, to leave the Northwest, to go serve the Lord in a foreign country or take care of family back east or some such thing. And in the process of mulling over that question I realized that I would follow him anywhere, that while I would be sad, I would go. I felt the conviction in my soul that truly, home is wherever he is.
That doesn't mean that I would ever really want to leave, or that I won't still fight passionately for raising our kids in Seattle. Really, a house in Wallingford or somewhere around Greenlake has always been my ideal. And I will miss my current house, with my awesome roomies and my easy access lifestyle. But I would do just about anything to live with this man I love. I'll brave the commute and the rising gas costs and the suburban shopping centers, just to be there to take him in my arms when he gets home from a long day at the office.
So come October, my address will no longer be Seattle. And I will be happy about it. I'm also excited to learn that there will be a Quest Northside Community Group just down the street from us. And who knows, if the real estate market ever recovers, maybe someday soon we can sell the Bothell house and move back down to Seattle. Jer is not averse to the idea-the more I show him around Seattle the more he seems to like it. Someday perhaps my kids can wake up to a view of Seattle out their bedroom window. I hope they will love this city as much as I do.
Monday, September 21, 2009
6 Months...and a website.
We've been working on the wedding website over the last couple of weeks. It's still a living document, but you can check out what we have so far.
We've known each other for 6 months today. Wow. Half a year. It feels like forever, and it feels like a moment. And we're 33 days out from the wedding day. So close and yet so far. Time is just so relative in the world of love.
We've known each other for 6 months today. Wow. Half a year. It feels like forever, and it feels like a moment. And we're 33 days out from the wedding day. So close and yet so far. Time is just so relative in the world of love.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Bridal Showers
I love showers of the water-based variety. A nice warm shower relaxing your muscles after a good workout. A refreshing shower to wake you up early in the morning. A nice fall drizzle in October, a spring shower to bring summer flowers (well, that's how it works here in Seattle).
There are other showers I don't like at all, however, and those would be the partyish ones. Bridal showers, baby showers, anything involving a big group of women getting together to play inane party games and ooh and ahh over each other. I try to avoid them if I can, and have had anxiety attacks at many of the ones I haven't been able to skip out on.
Anxiety attacks in large social gatherings are something I've struggled with for the past ten years or so, but somehow showers are the most difficult parties to manage emotionally. Perhaps it is the fact that they are predominantly attended by women, and my own history of awkwardness and hurt with members of my gender. Not that I haven't had awkwardness and hurt with guys, but mostly when I was growing up I was good at just relaxing and being one of the guys. I grew up with brothers and a brood of male cousins, and spent most of the years that I was in schools hanging with some random group of nerdy boys. They let me be, and I didn't feel like they were constantly judging me.
Girls though, girls were judging. It's true what they say-most girls don't wear fancy designer clothes for boys-most of them don't care, as long as you look sexy-no, we wear them for the girls who are evaluating our outfits. Whether we are fourteen or fourty, we clean our homes and dye our hair and buy the right brand of whatever because we fear judgement, criticism, not fitting in.
And I never fit in.
Even though I was assured that not fitting in was a good thing, and in my mind, I agreed with that (who wants to fit in with a bunch of critical, appearance-obsessed backstabbers?) I still longed for that feeling of belonging. That feeling that there was a group of people who would accept me for me, who were happy that I was at the party, who I could relax with.
Showers always felt too much like middle school, like a social test, like another opportunity to be ridiculed or rejected. It's the social mixer on steroids: a whole group of people, only half of whom you've ever met, and most of whom you only know through someone else. We're all on our best behavior, trying to make small talk (one of my least favorite things) and putting up false fronts. There is this unspoken pressure to say the right thing, to be perfectly charming, to not say or do anything to rock the boat, because this is supposed to be a cheery, sweet occasion.
Maybe this is me projecting my own issues, but I know plenty of other girls who feel the same way. And yet we continue to have these showers, continue to play the ridiculous games and make the sugary small talk. Sigh...
But here's the thing: in the midst of my utter disdain for showers, I am completely excited for my own.
I don't understand it. I hate these things. I debated whether or not to even have one, only agreeing because I knew that The Raccoon would do a fabulous job of making it as comfortable as possible. No Jer and Becca trivia quiz, no toilet paper gown, no pin the veil on the bride (I'm not wearing a veil anyway, why have one at the shower?) I still wasn't sure how I would feel about it-usually if I am going to a shower, a deep sense of dread builds up in the pit of my stomach for a few days prior until the day of I am sure that I am going to make myself sick so I don't have to go.
But no dread, no anxiety, just excitement.
I suppose it's easier being the bride. You know everyone, you don't have to make small talk with folks you don't know. You get to sit there and let people serve you cake and bring you presents and gush over you.
Really though, I think it is the guest list that makes the difference. I know the girls on my evite, girls that have changed my perspective on groups of women. These are generous, genuine women who love God and people, and have accepted me. I know I don't have anything to prove with them, any standard to live up to, because they like me just the way I am.
I know that I should feel that way with everyone all the time-that I should be secure enough in my identity and self-worth to not worry about the acceptance of others. But that takes a lot of constant energy, a diligent focus on being completely at peace with myself, at walking in my identity in Christ. And usually showers create the biggest drain on that energy-a virtual black hole sucking the life right out of me. But I think today will instead be a day of blessing, a day that gives me energy because I am surrounded by people who affirm that identity and celebrate it with me.
There are other showers I don't like at all, however, and those would be the partyish ones. Bridal showers, baby showers, anything involving a big group of women getting together to play inane party games and ooh and ahh over each other. I try to avoid them if I can, and have had anxiety attacks at many of the ones I haven't been able to skip out on.
Anxiety attacks in large social gatherings are something I've struggled with for the past ten years or so, but somehow showers are the most difficult parties to manage emotionally. Perhaps it is the fact that they are predominantly attended by women, and my own history of awkwardness and hurt with members of my gender. Not that I haven't had awkwardness and hurt with guys, but mostly when I was growing up I was good at just relaxing and being one of the guys. I grew up with brothers and a brood of male cousins, and spent most of the years that I was in schools hanging with some random group of nerdy boys. They let me be, and I didn't feel like they were constantly judging me.
Girls though, girls were judging. It's true what they say-most girls don't wear fancy designer clothes for boys-most of them don't care, as long as you look sexy-no, we wear them for the girls who are evaluating our outfits. Whether we are fourteen or fourty, we clean our homes and dye our hair and buy the right brand of whatever because we fear judgement, criticism, not fitting in.
And I never fit in.
Even though I was assured that not fitting in was a good thing, and in my mind, I agreed with that (who wants to fit in with a bunch of critical, appearance-obsessed backstabbers?) I still longed for that feeling of belonging. That feeling that there was a group of people who would accept me for me, who were happy that I was at the party, who I could relax with.
Showers always felt too much like middle school, like a social test, like another opportunity to be ridiculed or rejected. It's the social mixer on steroids: a whole group of people, only half of whom you've ever met, and most of whom you only know through someone else. We're all on our best behavior, trying to make small talk (one of my least favorite things) and putting up false fronts. There is this unspoken pressure to say the right thing, to be perfectly charming, to not say or do anything to rock the boat, because this is supposed to be a cheery, sweet occasion.
Maybe this is me projecting my own issues, but I know plenty of other girls who feel the same way. And yet we continue to have these showers, continue to play the ridiculous games and make the sugary small talk. Sigh...
But here's the thing: in the midst of my utter disdain for showers, I am completely excited for my own.
I don't understand it. I hate these things. I debated whether or not to even have one, only agreeing because I knew that The Raccoon would do a fabulous job of making it as comfortable as possible. No Jer and Becca trivia quiz, no toilet paper gown, no pin the veil on the bride (I'm not wearing a veil anyway, why have one at the shower?) I still wasn't sure how I would feel about it-usually if I am going to a shower, a deep sense of dread builds up in the pit of my stomach for a few days prior until the day of I am sure that I am going to make myself sick so I don't have to go.
But no dread, no anxiety, just excitement.
I suppose it's easier being the bride. You know everyone, you don't have to make small talk with folks you don't know. You get to sit there and let people serve you cake and bring you presents and gush over you.
Really though, I think it is the guest list that makes the difference. I know the girls on my evite, girls that have changed my perspective on groups of women. These are generous, genuine women who love God and people, and have accepted me. I know I don't have anything to prove with them, any standard to live up to, because they like me just the way I am.
I know that I should feel that way with everyone all the time-that I should be secure enough in my identity and self-worth to not worry about the acceptance of others. But that takes a lot of constant energy, a diligent focus on being completely at peace with myself, at walking in my identity in Christ. And usually showers create the biggest drain on that energy-a virtual black hole sucking the life right out of me. But I think today will instead be a day of blessing, a day that gives me energy because I am surrounded by people who affirm that identity and celebrate it with me.
Friday, September 04, 2009
Labor Day
I used to listen to this hilarious speaker many years ago, and one of his favorite subjects was how much we work, the lack of vacation in the American system, and national holidays. This section went something like this:
It was funnier in person. But happy Labor Day, just the same.
You work and work and work. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday-LABOR DAY!!!!!!!!!-and then back to work. Friday to Friday paycheck to paycheck. And next year you do it all over again.
It was funnier in person. But happy Labor Day, just the same.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Good Air In, Bad Air Out
Wedding is eight weeks from tomorrow, and last night was probably my first big stressed-out moment.
It didn't last long-I just needed to take a few hours break from all the planning and tasks to just relax with Jer and enjoy his company. I think wedding-planning Sabbaths are probably a very good idea, as it can be waaayyy too easy to let the planning consume every waking moment.
But last night I was sitting there looking at the huge pile of invitations, glad that the corrected ones finally arrived but realizing that 1) I was a week behind on the addressing/mailing and 2) our guest list has somehow swelled to 405 people in the past two weeks.
405 people! At the beginning of the process, I thought that we would be inviting around 250, with maybe 150 showing up. But between out of town relatives and long lost business associates and very important people we forgot to put on the list, the google doc has grown to gargantuan proportions. And so now I have that doc following me around town whispering in my ear: "you won't have enough chairs! You won't have enough money for food! People will be disappointed in you!"
The last one, is, of course, a familiar sound. Disappointing people is a huge lifelong fear that I battle constantly, something that requires a lot of diligent prayer. And of course, while your wedding is all about you and your future spouse, it is also a huge opportunity for the worry of 'what people will think' to come knocking on your door. I mean, even the way you address the invitations is subject for debate-do you say Mr. and Mrs. John Doe or Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe? Do you go formal or informal on the inner envelope? Will cousin so-and-so be offended if you refer to him by his full name instead of his nickname? Or will he be offended by writing it the other way around?
I know these are petty fears, but it is so very easy to let them build up and send you spiraling down into the depths of despair. And so you need to regularly pull yourself out of the wedding mania and take a good look at reality and remind yourself that ultimately, cousin so-and-so will just recycle the envelope, Jane Doe will get over it, and if your coworker only gets three hors d'oeuvres instead of four he will still survive. In the end, this day is going to be focused on you and your covenant with each other and God, not the show you put on. Just have to keep that perspective.
And remember to breathe.
PS: We started a wedding website! There are still a lot of missing pieces to it, but you can check it out here. I am personally very proud of my bridesmaid descriptions. :-)
It didn't last long-I just needed to take a few hours break from all the planning and tasks to just relax with Jer and enjoy his company. I think wedding-planning Sabbaths are probably a very good idea, as it can be waaayyy too easy to let the planning consume every waking moment.
But last night I was sitting there looking at the huge pile of invitations, glad that the corrected ones finally arrived but realizing that 1) I was a week behind on the addressing/mailing and 2) our guest list has somehow swelled to 405 people in the past two weeks.
405 people! At the beginning of the process, I thought that we would be inviting around 250, with maybe 150 showing up. But between out of town relatives and long lost business associates and very important people we forgot to put on the list, the google doc has grown to gargantuan proportions. And so now I have that doc following me around town whispering in my ear: "you won't have enough chairs! You won't have enough money for food! People will be disappointed in you!"
The last one, is, of course, a familiar sound. Disappointing people is a huge lifelong fear that I battle constantly, something that requires a lot of diligent prayer. And of course, while your wedding is all about you and your future spouse, it is also a huge opportunity for the worry of 'what people will think' to come knocking on your door. I mean, even the way you address the invitations is subject for debate-do you say Mr. and Mrs. John Doe or Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe? Do you go formal or informal on the inner envelope? Will cousin so-and-so be offended if you refer to him by his full name instead of his nickname? Or will he be offended by writing it the other way around?
I know these are petty fears, but it is so very easy to let them build up and send you spiraling down into the depths of despair. And so you need to regularly pull yourself out of the wedding mania and take a good look at reality and remind yourself that ultimately, cousin so-and-so will just recycle the envelope, Jane Doe will get over it, and if your coworker only gets three hors d'oeuvres instead of four he will still survive. In the end, this day is going to be focused on you and your covenant with each other and God, not the show you put on. Just have to keep that perspective.
And remember to breathe.
PS: We started a wedding website! There are still a lot of missing pieces to it, but you can check it out here. I am personally very proud of my bridesmaid descriptions. :-)
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Countdown: 66:01:59:24
I love iGoogle, with the customizable home page and gadgets. Current favorite gadget is, of course, the countdown, which is ticking off the time until 2pm October 24th-when I will be walking down the aisle.
66 days. It seems like forever and it seems like tomorrow. I want to be married NOW, but I also have a lot to do to make the wedding happen!
People keep telling me I have a lot done, but I still feel that there is a ton to do. But as I mentioned before, I don't like having a list hanging over my head, so until everything is done, I won't feel completely at ease. Still, I have made a lot of progress:
Checked off list:
Still needs work:
Completely not done and a source of possible stress:
And of course, there are all the things that I have probably not even thought of and need to have on the list. Oof. But hey, it will all be worth it. The important things are done-we have a place, a pastor, and each other. No matter what happens, in 66 days I will be getting married, whether there are flowers or not!
66 days. It seems like forever and it seems like tomorrow. I want to be married NOW, but I also have a lot to do to make the wedding happen!
People keep telling me I have a lot done, but I still feel that there is a ton to do. But as I mentioned before, I don't like having a list hanging over my head, so until everything is done, I won't feel completely at ease. Still, I have made a lot of progress:
Checked off list:
- dress purchased
- location for ceremony and reception reserved
- tuxes chosen
- bridesmaid dresses chosen and ordered
- pastor confirmed
- photographer chosen
- chef friend agreed to do food
- engagement party planned
- rehearsal dinner planned
- invitations ordered
- stores chosen for registry
Still needs work:
- guest list almost done-missing some addresses
- dress alterations (want to lose some weight first!)
- actually registering-going shopping this weekend!
- decide on menu for reception
- recruited friends to help with decorating, but no details decided on
- fabulous processional music being composed by wonderful family friend
- still short a groomsman!
Completely not done and a source of possible stress:
- invitations not mailed-and need to be mailed by Aug 24th, a mere four days after they arrive at my door (if UPS is on time)
- florist not chosen (although I know what colors and types of flowers I want)
- cake (still waiting to hear if a friend can help with it)
- premarital counseling
- Jer's ring (we've gone and looked once, but have made no decisions)
- reception music (to DJ or not to DJ, that is the question)
- wedding program (both the flow of service and the actual paper thing to be handed out)
- honeymoon
And of course, there are all the things that I have probably not even thought of and need to have on the list. Oof. But hey, it will all be worth it. The important things are done-we have a place, a pastor, and each other. No matter what happens, in 66 days I will be getting married, whether there are flowers or not!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Say What?
I'm getting kid of tired of all these pundits and articles proclaiming that the recession is over. Seriously dudes. The economic factors might be stabilizing, for the moment, but that does not mean that the reality of financial trouble has left the streets. With an unemployment rate near 10%, rising foreclosures as moratoriums run out, and a fresh crop of bad retail numbers, our economy is just as bad as ever.
The problem is, if we fuel another big market bubble with false optimism, we're no better off than we were in 2006. We can tell each other all day that now is the time to buy, that this time it will be different, etc. etc. etc. but at the end of the day, if we don't change the fundamentals of how our economy operates, we will have another bust. Another dot-bomb. Another housing bubble popped on our face like so much Dubble Bubble. Another credit crunch squeezing the air out of our country's lungs.
People, if we continue to spend more than we earn, if we live enslaved to debt, if we don't save for emergencies, let alone for future goals, what do we expect? Do we think that our economy can continue growing when seventy-something percent of our economy is based on consumer spending, and that spending is based on debt? And don't even get me started on the trillions of dollars in national debt that we have created as a result of the fiscal stimulus packages in the past two years. I'm mad at Bush and Obama and all the members of congress that pushed for that.
Now is the time to honestly assess how our culture operates financially. Now is the time to put money into small business and innovation-where actual job growth is created-not keep pouring funds into big banks that will continue to cut more jobs as they tighten their expense ratios. Now is when we reevaluate our personal budgets and our national budget and try to make them match our priorities. But instead we tell people that the recession is over, that they should buy more cars, more houses, more stocks.
If there is another bubble, another meltdown, another once-in-a-lifetime market collapse in a year or two or three, I won't be surprised. In the meantime, I'll be saving and paying off debt, thank you very much.
The problem is, if we fuel another big market bubble with false optimism, we're no better off than we were in 2006. We can tell each other all day that now is the time to buy, that this time it will be different, etc. etc. etc. but at the end of the day, if we don't change the fundamentals of how our economy operates, we will have another bust. Another dot-bomb. Another housing bubble popped on our face like so much Dubble Bubble. Another credit crunch squeezing the air out of our country's lungs.
People, if we continue to spend more than we earn, if we live enslaved to debt, if we don't save for emergencies, let alone for future goals, what do we expect? Do we think that our economy can continue growing when seventy-something percent of our economy is based on consumer spending, and that spending is based on debt? And don't even get me started on the trillions of dollars in national debt that we have created as a result of the fiscal stimulus packages in the past two years. I'm mad at Bush and Obama and all the members of congress that pushed for that.
Now is the time to honestly assess how our culture operates financially. Now is the time to put money into small business and innovation-where actual job growth is created-not keep pouring funds into big banks that will continue to cut more jobs as they tighten their expense ratios. Now is when we reevaluate our personal budgets and our national budget and try to make them match our priorities. But instead we tell people that the recession is over, that they should buy more cars, more houses, more stocks.
If there is another bubble, another meltdown, another once-in-a-lifetime market collapse in a year or two or three, I won't be surprised. In the meantime, I'll be saving and paying off debt, thank you very much.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
When love doesn't feel like enough
I had the great privilege this week of ministering to a good friend and colleague at work. It is always an honor and a burden when someone brings their questions about God and faith to you, but I was blessed to be asked for my perspective and prayer.
J is one of my best friends at work. We've had great discussions across the aisle and over lunch about God, life, and the insanity of the stock market. While I can't say I know the finer points of her theology, I know that she loves God and loves people, and seeks peace and righteousness. She is usually the eternal optimist and has the best attitude of anyone at work.
So it broke my heart to see her optimism fading and her faith weakened. While I was on vacation there was a brutal rape and murder in south Seattle. This horrific crime rocked her to her core, she said, not because she knew the victims but because she was just struck by the senselessness of it all. She asked the questions we all ask in these situations: how could God let such a thing happen? Where is His love and justice? How can we go on living our normal lives when these things can occur?
She told me that she spent a lot of time in prayer and just felt empty silence. She asked if I had an answer, something that makes sense of it all, that would stop the endless questions in her mind.
What do you say to that? There are no pat answers, no truisms, no oft-quoted verse about all things working together for good that will satisfy a heart aching and broken in response to brutality. Scripture, while powerful and good, can fall flat on the ears of one whose heart has lost faith in the goodness of God's creation.
I prayed as she shared with me, that I would speak with the words from the Spirit, that He would minister to her through me. I thought about the times when I was hopeless, the darkest moments of my depression years ago, when the only thing I could cling to was God.
And there in that moment I knew that the only answer that I had, the only answer any of us has, if the overwhelming love of God. I told her that I didn't have an easy solution, that no one in the world will. I told her about this week's sermon, which was about prayer that is unanswered and the sufficiency of God's grace, about how we must not only rest in His sovereignty, the fact that He is in control, but also that His grace, His love, is enough to sustain us and make all things new. I told her about when my mom died and the struggles that my dad went through. I told her to watch the video of John Mark McMillan sharing his song 'How He Loves Us', because in the end, the fact that God loves us is enough. Even when the world makes no sense, and bad things happen to good people, His love is enough. I told her to read The Shack for a perspective on God in the face of extreme grief. I prayed with her, there in the cafeteria, for peace and love to comfort her, that her heart would remain soft but that she would be rooted in Him.
I'm still a little overwhelmed by the conversation and the opportunity to speak into someone's life when they needed a word from God, to be able to share truth that I have been comforted by in the past. And it's just like God that the sermon this past Sunday was related, and I have been listening to 'How He Loves Us' all week long and thinking about how sufficient that love is, how all the blessings in this life-salvation, family, community, life and health, even just that we live here and now-they are all superfluous to the amazing blessing of His love.
It was a night many years ago, as I was praying through my depression and hopelessness, that I first came to that realization that God's love was sufficient. That even if nothing ever went right ever again, that even if I was alone and lonely in this world, that even if there was nothing on the other side of this life, that His love was enough. That the truth that He loved me was more than enough. And I knew it in the depths of my heart and soul, knew that indeed, nothing can separate us from the love of God. And in that moment, the Spirit of God spoke to my spirit, and I was able to let go of my questions, my pain and anger and sorrow that I had been holding onto because of my circumstances. I knew peace.
It's hard to live in that peace, in that place of acceptance and reliance on God's love. Sometimes love doesn't feel like enough, and all you want is answers, something concrete and rational to hold onto. We can acknowledge that our God is a mysterious God, and His ways are not our ways, and our vision is limited and cloudy, but knowing this doesn't take away our pain. So when things don't make sense, holding on to the truth that He loves us, that He loves those who are victims, that He even in His greatness loves those who are perpetrators, and that He desires justice and reconciliation-this is all we have. When all else fails, we can only seek the Spirit of God, and rest in His love. And somehow, it is sufficient.
J is one of my best friends at work. We've had great discussions across the aisle and over lunch about God, life, and the insanity of the stock market. While I can't say I know the finer points of her theology, I know that she loves God and loves people, and seeks peace and righteousness. She is usually the eternal optimist and has the best attitude of anyone at work.
So it broke my heart to see her optimism fading and her faith weakened. While I was on vacation there was a brutal rape and murder in south Seattle. This horrific crime rocked her to her core, she said, not because she knew the victims but because she was just struck by the senselessness of it all. She asked the questions we all ask in these situations: how could God let such a thing happen? Where is His love and justice? How can we go on living our normal lives when these things can occur?
She told me that she spent a lot of time in prayer and just felt empty silence. She asked if I had an answer, something that makes sense of it all, that would stop the endless questions in her mind.
What do you say to that? There are no pat answers, no truisms, no oft-quoted verse about all things working together for good that will satisfy a heart aching and broken in response to brutality. Scripture, while powerful and good, can fall flat on the ears of one whose heart has lost faith in the goodness of God's creation.
I prayed as she shared with me, that I would speak with the words from the Spirit, that He would minister to her through me. I thought about the times when I was hopeless, the darkest moments of my depression years ago, when the only thing I could cling to was God.
And there in that moment I knew that the only answer that I had, the only answer any of us has, if the overwhelming love of God. I told her that I didn't have an easy solution, that no one in the world will. I told her about this week's sermon, which was about prayer that is unanswered and the sufficiency of God's grace, about how we must not only rest in His sovereignty, the fact that He is in control, but also that His grace, His love, is enough to sustain us and make all things new. I told her about when my mom died and the struggles that my dad went through. I told her to watch the video of John Mark McMillan sharing his song 'How He Loves Us', because in the end, the fact that God loves us is enough. Even when the world makes no sense, and bad things happen to good people, His love is enough. I told her to read The Shack for a perspective on God in the face of extreme grief. I prayed with her, there in the cafeteria, for peace and love to comfort her, that her heart would remain soft but that she would be rooted in Him.
I'm still a little overwhelmed by the conversation and the opportunity to speak into someone's life when they needed a word from God, to be able to share truth that I have been comforted by in the past. And it's just like God that the sermon this past Sunday was related, and I have been listening to 'How He Loves Us' all week long and thinking about how sufficient that love is, how all the blessings in this life-salvation, family, community, life and health, even just that we live here and now-they are all superfluous to the amazing blessing of His love.
It was a night many years ago, as I was praying through my depression and hopelessness, that I first came to that realization that God's love was sufficient. That even if nothing ever went right ever again, that even if I was alone and lonely in this world, that even if there was nothing on the other side of this life, that His love was enough. That the truth that He loved me was more than enough. And I knew it in the depths of my heart and soul, knew that indeed, nothing can separate us from the love of God. And in that moment, the Spirit of God spoke to my spirit, and I was able to let go of my questions, my pain and anger and sorrow that I had been holding onto because of my circumstances. I knew peace.
It's hard to live in that peace, in that place of acceptance and reliance on God's love. Sometimes love doesn't feel like enough, and all you want is answers, something concrete and rational to hold onto. We can acknowledge that our God is a mysterious God, and His ways are not our ways, and our vision is limited and cloudy, but knowing this doesn't take away our pain. So when things don't make sense, holding on to the truth that He loves us, that He loves those who are victims, that He even in His greatness loves those who are perpetrators, and that He desires justice and reconciliation-this is all we have. When all else fails, we can only seek the Spirit of God, and rest in His love. And somehow, it is sufficient.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Yes, I know you want pictures, but....
I've been super busy since I got back. Took a couple of days to relax with Jer and try to get over jet-lag, and now I am back at work and it is crazy busy. They rearranged the office while I was gone, so I came back to a new cubicle and boxes everywhere. And since I am busy with actual clients and work, I still haven't finished unpacking.
Haven't finished unpacking at home either. Well, the bags are empty, but most of the contents haven't made it past the floor or the laundry basket. In my defense, there have been people staying at my house who have been taking over the bathroom and the washing machine, and so I haven't been home much because it is too crazy there. I like clean, organized homes, and you can tell how busy or stressed I am by how messy my room is. Right now it looks like a tornado came through, and the kitchen looks worse (but that is not my fault!)
And of course, what I really want to do in the midst of this insanity is plan my wedding. Well, actually, I really want it to just be planned so I can relax. I am a get-it-done-right-away person, so a big to-do list with a million questions on it throws me into workaholic overdrive and all I think about night and day is how to word the invitations and what kind of food we should have and which flowers should be in my bouquet and whether or not we should have worship music and and and and. My biggest frustration is that when I am trying to make time to just relax and enjoy people, my mind is still going a million miles a minute, and I can feel it churning through all those questions. I know that in reality I have plenty of time, and should not worry, but my natural reaction is to drop everything and focus on getting it all done NOW.
I'm trying to moderate myself, and find a healthy schedule, with the right balance of sleep, fun, and getting stuff done. Haven't found that this week. Maybe in August. Maybe in November. Who knows. I've survived busier, crazier times than this, for sure. But I don't want my life to be one big crazy season after another. My pastor has been writing about making time for Sabbath and having a good rhythm, and I really agree with that idea, and know that it has been good for me in the past to have that. And I know that God was calling me to slow down and rest and not take on a lot of responsibility for the next year or so, and just enjoy life and people. I hope I can figure out how to do that, even with this wedding checklist hanging over me.
I promise I'll get pics of Europe and a few highlights from my trip up soon. It was a wonderful adventure and I loved it, and got a lot of sleep and physical activity and beautiful photos and fabulous memories. Stay tuned...
Haven't finished unpacking at home either. Well, the bags are empty, but most of the contents haven't made it past the floor or the laundry basket. In my defense, there have been people staying at my house who have been taking over the bathroom and the washing machine, and so I haven't been home much because it is too crazy there. I like clean, organized homes, and you can tell how busy or stressed I am by how messy my room is. Right now it looks like a tornado came through, and the kitchen looks worse (but that is not my fault!)
And of course, what I really want to do in the midst of this insanity is plan my wedding. Well, actually, I really want it to just be planned so I can relax. I am a get-it-done-right-away person, so a big to-do list with a million questions on it throws me into workaholic overdrive and all I think about night and day is how to word the invitations and what kind of food we should have and which flowers should be in my bouquet and whether or not we should have worship music and and and and. My biggest frustration is that when I am trying to make time to just relax and enjoy people, my mind is still going a million miles a minute, and I can feel it churning through all those questions. I know that in reality I have plenty of time, and should not worry, but my natural reaction is to drop everything and focus on getting it all done NOW.
I'm trying to moderate myself, and find a healthy schedule, with the right balance of sleep, fun, and getting stuff done. Haven't found that this week. Maybe in August. Maybe in November. Who knows. I've survived busier, crazier times than this, for sure. But I don't want my life to be one big crazy season after another. My pastor has been writing about making time for Sabbath and having a good rhythm, and I really agree with that idea, and know that it has been good for me in the past to have that. And I know that God was calling me to slow down and rest and not take on a lot of responsibility for the next year or so, and just enjoy life and people. I hope I can figure out how to do that, even with this wedding checklist hanging over me.
I promise I'll get pics of Europe and a few highlights from my trip up soon. It was a wonderful adventure and I loved it, and got a lot of sleep and physical activity and beautiful photos and fabulous memories. Stay tuned...
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Nostalgica is Italian for Homesick
We didn't even realize that we were in Italy. The train took us over the border and while we were trying to interpret the anouncement, it came into Ventimiglia, and the signs were all in Italian. We spent the rest of the train trip laughing at the useful words in the Rick Steves' Italian phrasebook (really, I am sure we will need to say "you are disgusting" and "I will remember you until Tuesday" while we are here) and then got only semi-lost (as is our habit) trying to find our B&B. So here we are, safely in Genoa, on the Italian (and final) leg of our trip.
It's kind of surreal to actually be in Italy. I don't know how long I have wanted to come here-it's just always been one of those big "I have to do this" sort of things. And now I am here, and it is beautiful, and I wish I wasn't missing my fiance so terribly. I love being here, but I love him more, and wish I could have both!
I've always been a homebody-not in terms of staying in all the time but staying in my hometown. As much as I love to travel and se new places, a week away is usually more than enough for me. I hit the super homesick point last week around Wednesday. I woke up feeling tired and melancholy after two days of wedding festivities in Argeles sur Mer (where we went for the wedding of Melissa's friend) and then at the internet cafe I found that Jer had sent me videos from home: of my family telling me how much they miss me and to wear sunscreen (thanks Mom) and of him, telling me how much he loves me. I missed him so much I cried.
I know I am supposed to completely enjoy my time here, but no matter how wonderful the trip, it doesn't take away the emptiness of not being home in Seattle, of not being with my family, of not being with Jer.
Still, I will persevere and continue to traipse about and enjoy the sights I have been looking forward to for years. I'm excited for tomorrow: Cinque Terre hiking begins, and continues until Monday, when we go to Florence. I'll be celebrating m birthday there in the heat and the beauty. And then Friday I come home, and reclaim my spot in Jer's arms. So altogether it will be an amazing week.
It's kind of surreal to actually be in Italy. I don't know how long I have wanted to come here-it's just always been one of those big "I have to do this" sort of things. And now I am here, and it is beautiful, and I wish I wasn't missing my fiance so terribly. I love being here, but I love him more, and wish I could have both!
I've always been a homebody-not in terms of staying in all the time but staying in my hometown. As much as I love to travel and se new places, a week away is usually more than enough for me. I hit the super homesick point last week around Wednesday. I woke up feeling tired and melancholy after two days of wedding festivities in Argeles sur Mer (where we went for the wedding of Melissa's friend) and then at the internet cafe I found that Jer had sent me videos from home: of my family telling me how much they miss me and to wear sunscreen (thanks Mom) and of him, telling me how much he loves me. I missed him so much I cried.
I know I am supposed to completely enjoy my time here, but no matter how wonderful the trip, it doesn't take away the emptiness of not being home in Seattle, of not being with my family, of not being with Jer.
Still, I will persevere and continue to traipse about and enjoy the sights I have been looking forward to for years. I'm excited for tomorrow: Cinque Terre hiking begins, and continues until Monday, when we go to Florence. I'll be celebrating m birthday there in the heat and the beauty. And then Friday I come home, and reclaim my spot in Jer's arms. So altogether it will be an amazing week.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Bonjour!
Despite being far away in Longjumeau, France (a suburb of Paris) I have amazing internet access end even a vonage line to make calls, thanks to my roomie's fabulous family who lives here. So while I thought I would be horribly disconnected for three weeks, I am instead updating Facebook and sending emails and calling my fiance (which helps with the missing him, but only a little).
Don't worry though, I am not wasting my vacation in front of the computer. I've spent two days straight wandering through Paris, visiting the Louvre, Notre Dame, and my absolute favorite, the Musee D'Orsay. Impressionism being one of my favorite periods of art, that museum was designed for me. Multiple floors of Monet, Degas, Cezanne, Pisarro, Van Gogh, and some Renoir for good measure, plus sculpture and architecture to boot. I know the Louvre is the big mac daddy of museums, but I can skip the Mona Lisa and head straight for the artist's garden at Argentuil.
Weather here continues fine (I love saying that, and wrote it on a few postcards) not too hot, skies mostly cloudy with sunbreaks. My favorite weather, honestly. Seventies and mild. And the city is on a river and the buildings are made of beautiful stone and on every corner is a cafe and today on the way to the museum we stopped for cafe au lait and pain et chocolat and it was fabulous. I do wish things weren't so expensive (we had to search forever to find lunch for less than 10 euro) but I'm on vacation, so that is to be expected.
I can't play tourist forever though, so I am looking forward to next week, when we rent an apartment and live on the beach for a week. We'll get some bread and wine and cheese from the market, throw on bathing suits and sarongs, and live in the sunshine. I fully expect to come back with a serious tan. Now if only I can keep that tan until October. It would go well with my wedding dress...
Don't worry though, I am not wasting my vacation in front of the computer. I've spent two days straight wandering through Paris, visiting the Louvre, Notre Dame, and my absolute favorite, the Musee D'Orsay. Impressionism being one of my favorite periods of art, that museum was designed for me. Multiple floors of Monet, Degas, Cezanne, Pisarro, Van Gogh, and some Renoir for good measure, plus sculpture and architecture to boot. I know the Louvre is the big mac daddy of museums, but I can skip the Mona Lisa and head straight for the artist's garden at Argentuil.
Weather here continues fine (I love saying that, and wrote it on a few postcards) not too hot, skies mostly cloudy with sunbreaks. My favorite weather, honestly. Seventies and mild. And the city is on a river and the buildings are made of beautiful stone and on every corner is a cafe and today on the way to the museum we stopped for cafe au lait and pain et chocolat and it was fabulous. I do wish things weren't so expensive (we had to search forever to find lunch for less than 10 euro) but I'm on vacation, so that is to be expected.
I can't play tourist forever though, so I am looking forward to next week, when we rent an apartment and live on the beach for a week. We'll get some bread and wine and cheese from the market, throw on bathing suits and sarongs, and live in the sunshine. I fully expect to come back with a serious tan. Now if only I can keep that tan until October. It would go well with my wedding dress...
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
There are times when it is good to be a Martha...
...and one of those times would be the summer you decide to plan a wedding in four months. Well, not that others haven't planned a wedding in less than four months, certainly, but then I also leave for Europe in a week, and so will lose a good three weeks of planning time. I return from vacation exactly three months before my wedding date, and in the world of modern wedding planning, that is not considered a lot of time.
But, that is okay, because planning and problem-solving is my forte. I'm a get-er-done kinda gal, and while other girls might just be coming out of their post-proposal fog and wondering what to do next, I'm already deep in the thick of the wedding to-do list. Now, this in no way means that I am not enjoying the bliss of engagement. Believe me, I am still on cloud nine, and every now and then I look down at the gorgeous ring on my finger and I say to God, "REALLY?!?" I still get comments on my glow, and my cheeks are regularly sore from smiling so much. Actually, I think it is my overwhelming happiness and joy that is spurring the frenzy of activity-I'm just so darned excited to marry this man, and I want to get on with it!
So, we have set a date in October and booked the church and the reception location. I have all 6 bridesmaids signed up and ready to go and looking at dress options. Colors are chosen, guest list is started, meeting with potential photographer is Saturday. We've talked about food and flowers and we've definitely decided that we have to have cheesecake for our wedding cake. So while wedding planning is typically stressful, especially when done in a short period of time, I am feeling pretty good about it.
But ask me at the beginning of October, and I might look more like the frazzled Martha that Jesus had to calm down! Fortunately Jer is good at that. :-)
But, that is okay, because planning and problem-solving is my forte. I'm a get-er-done kinda gal, and while other girls might just be coming out of their post-proposal fog and wondering what to do next, I'm already deep in the thick of the wedding to-do list. Now, this in no way means that I am not enjoying the bliss of engagement. Believe me, I am still on cloud nine, and every now and then I look down at the gorgeous ring on my finger and I say to God, "REALLY?!?" I still get comments on my glow, and my cheeks are regularly sore from smiling so much. Actually, I think it is my overwhelming happiness and joy that is spurring the frenzy of activity-I'm just so darned excited to marry this man, and I want to get on with it!
So, we have set a date in October and booked the church and the reception location. I have all 6 bridesmaids signed up and ready to go and looking at dress options. Colors are chosen, guest list is started, meeting with potential photographer is Saturday. We've talked about food and flowers and we've definitely decided that we have to have cheesecake for our wedding cake. So while wedding planning is typically stressful, especially when done in a short period of time, I am feeling pretty good about it.
But ask me at the beginning of October, and I might look more like the frazzled Martha that Jesus had to calm down! Fortunately Jer is good at that. :-)
Monday, June 22, 2009
It's a Sparkly!
Well dear reader, the day has finally come. After years of writing about relational angst and waiting on God, I can now tell you: I'M ENGAGED!!!
Sunday afternoon I drove home from the Quest Life Together retreat, my last responsibility as ministry leader. It had been a great weekend, but the entire time I had been excited for Sunday, because Jer told me that we were going "out on the town" and I had to "dress fancy" and that we had to be on time. This limited amount of information was enough to make me and everyone else wonder if perhaps this would be the day that he proposed. (Sandy was taking bets-Blake put $20 on Jer proposing. Not sure what the odds were.) But I kept reminding all of us, especially myself, that one should not place expectations on the date, because then there will be no disappointments. You know, of course, that I wanted to be proposed to, but I was also not making any demands on the evening.
So I drove home excited and hopeful but willing for it to be just a great night with Jer. I poured myself into my little black dress, slipped on my fabulous purple heels, and waited for him to arrive. He was going to show up at 4:15; at about five after I headed upstairs to take one last look at myself in the full-length mirror, just to make sure. On my way through the living room, I looked outside and saw a limo on my street. A smile crept over my face and my heart started to race just a tad-I knew that there was no way that limo was for anyone else. I came out on the deck and there was Jer, with a huge bouquet of roses and irises (my favorite) and a big smile.
After the flowers were put in water and I had given Jer his card and gift (a picture of us for his desk at work) we got into the limo. Champagne was served, and the driver told us she would take us on a 'scenic route' to our destination. Jer said that we were going to dinner and a show, which sounded fabulous to me. And then he pulled out a box of Godiva chocolates. We have a long history with Godiva chocolates and Godiva chocolate cheesecake, so this was very apropos. There was a poem on top-he's given me a poem every month-but the lid was slightly askew, so he took a minute to "fix the chocolates". As he sat there with the box partially hidden, I started to think, oh oh oh, there's a ring in the box! There's a ring in the box! But of course, I remained calm, waited for him to finish, read the poem (which I can't remember now, it was something by Shelley about love) and then opened the box. And there in the center was the most beautiful ring! I got a big smile, and looked into his wonderful eyes, and he simply said, "marry me."
And I, of course, said yes.
We didn't cry, we were too giddy and excited. He put the ring on my finger and kissed me and I was just overwhelemed with joy and happiness. Our scenic drive ended in front of Teatro Zinzanni, the fun and wacky dinner theatre. We enjoyed the show and the meal and the wine, and the limo picked us up afterwards and took us for a drive along Alki and up to the lookout on the top of West Seattle, where we enjoyed the view of the city and the promise of a long life together there. It was a perfect evening, a wonderful proposal. He spoiled me, surprised me, and gave me a great story to tell our kids.
I am, understandably, very excited. Overwhelmingly so. I don't know if I have come down to earth quite yet. But in the midst of this ecstatic moment, I have a deep peace and confidence that this was (and is) how it was meant to be. Meeting this wonderful man out of the blue, being instantly swept up in what my mom is now referring to as "my whirlwind romance", and finding the man who will love me for the rest of my days, a man I can give my heart to with no reservations.
As I reflect on all of this, my heart and mind are full of all the verses and promises that God has given me over the past few years, and how He has been true to all of those words He gave me. The Lord has done a new thing; He has made streams of living water flow in the wilderness. He has brought me back from being rejected and broken in spirit. He has turned my mourning into dancing and my sorrows into joy. He has been faithful and has blessed me beyond anything I could have possibly imagined. And so I will sing and praise His holy and mighty name.
I'm getting married! Hallelujah!
Sunday afternoon I drove home from the Quest Life Together retreat, my last responsibility as ministry leader. It had been a great weekend, but the entire time I had been excited for Sunday, because Jer told me that we were going "out on the town" and I had to "dress fancy" and that we had to be on time. This limited amount of information was enough to make me and everyone else wonder if perhaps this would be the day that he proposed. (Sandy was taking bets-Blake put $20 on Jer proposing. Not sure what the odds were.) But I kept reminding all of us, especially myself, that one should not place expectations on the date, because then there will be no disappointments. You know, of course, that I wanted to be proposed to, but I was also not making any demands on the evening.
So I drove home excited and hopeful but willing for it to be just a great night with Jer. I poured myself into my little black dress, slipped on my fabulous purple heels, and waited for him to arrive. He was going to show up at 4:15; at about five after I headed upstairs to take one last look at myself in the full-length mirror, just to make sure. On my way through the living room, I looked outside and saw a limo on my street. A smile crept over my face and my heart started to race just a tad-I knew that there was no way that limo was for anyone else. I came out on the deck and there was Jer, with a huge bouquet of roses and irises (my favorite) and a big smile.
After the flowers were put in water and I had given Jer his card and gift (a picture of us for his desk at work) we got into the limo. Champagne was served, and the driver told us she would take us on a 'scenic route' to our destination. Jer said that we were going to dinner and a show, which sounded fabulous to me. And then he pulled out a box of Godiva chocolates. We have a long history with Godiva chocolates and Godiva chocolate cheesecake, so this was very apropos. There was a poem on top-he's given me a poem every month-but the lid was slightly askew, so he took a minute to "fix the chocolates". As he sat there with the box partially hidden, I started to think, oh oh oh, there's a ring in the box! There's a ring in the box! But of course, I remained calm, waited for him to finish, read the poem (which I can't remember now, it was something by Shelley about love) and then opened the box. And there in the center was the most beautiful ring! I got a big smile, and looked into his wonderful eyes, and he simply said, "marry me."
And I, of course, said yes.
We didn't cry, we were too giddy and excited. He put the ring on my finger and kissed me and I was just overwhelemed with joy and happiness. Our scenic drive ended in front of Teatro Zinzanni, the fun and wacky dinner theatre. We enjoyed the show and the meal and the wine, and the limo picked us up afterwards and took us for a drive along Alki and up to the lookout on the top of West Seattle, where we enjoyed the view of the city and the promise of a long life together there. It was a perfect evening, a wonderful proposal. He spoiled me, surprised me, and gave me a great story to tell our kids.
I am, understandably, very excited. Overwhelmingly so. I don't know if I have come down to earth quite yet. But in the midst of this ecstatic moment, I have a deep peace and confidence that this was (and is) how it was meant to be. Meeting this wonderful man out of the blue, being instantly swept up in what my mom is now referring to as "my whirlwind romance", and finding the man who will love me for the rest of my days, a man I can give my heart to with no reservations.
As I reflect on all of this, my heart and mind are full of all the verses and promises that God has given me over the past few years, and how He has been true to all of those words He gave me. The Lord has done a new thing; He has made streams of living water flow in the wilderness. He has brought me back from being rejected and broken in spirit. He has turned my mourning into dancing and my sorrows into joy. He has been faithful and has blessed me beyond anything I could have possibly imagined. And so I will sing and praise His holy and mighty name.
I'm getting married! Hallelujah!
Monday, June 01, 2009
Prayer for Pentecost
I was going to post my prayer from Pentecost service last night, but it seems all the more applicable after reading about the murder of Dr. George Tiller at his church yesterday.
Dr. Tiller ran an abortion clinic, where he specialized in late-term abortions. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am passionately pro-life. I believe abortion is wrong, that it is the taking of an innocent life, and that it can only be considered in cases where carrying the baby to term will kill both mother and child. I will not vote for a pro-choice candidate. I would love to volunteer or work for a crisis pregnancy center sometime in the future, and I would love to see the church provide more love and care for unwed mothers who feel trapped without any other option.
However, I am sickened to read this story of a man murdered as he performed his duties as an usher at his church on Sunday. Perhaps the murderer thought he was saving lives, perhaps he thought he was enacting justice. But the way I read it, vengeance is the Lord's, and we cannot judge a man's heart. George Tiller will stand before Jesus in judgement for all his sins-just as you and I will-and the Lord will be the one who determines his guilt.
Sadly, by taking matters into his own hands, the murderer not only makes himself no better than this doctor (perhaps worse) but ruins the witness of pro-life advocates everywhere. Leading pro-life advocates are speaking out against the crime, but the damage is done.
I am anti-abortion, but I am also anti-murder. I am pro-life, not just for innocent babies, but for broken, fallen, guilty men and women like you and me, who need Jesus, not a bullet. And so I pray, today, as I did yesterday:
Dr. Tiller ran an abortion clinic, where he specialized in late-term abortions. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am passionately pro-life. I believe abortion is wrong, that it is the taking of an innocent life, and that it can only be considered in cases where carrying the baby to term will kill both mother and child. I will not vote for a pro-choice candidate. I would love to volunteer or work for a crisis pregnancy center sometime in the future, and I would love to see the church provide more love and care for unwed mothers who feel trapped without any other option.
However, I am sickened to read this story of a man murdered as he performed his duties as an usher at his church on Sunday. Perhaps the murderer thought he was saving lives, perhaps he thought he was enacting justice. But the way I read it, vengeance is the Lord's, and we cannot judge a man's heart. George Tiller will stand before Jesus in judgement for all his sins-just as you and I will-and the Lord will be the one who determines his guilt.
Sadly, by taking matters into his own hands, the murderer not only makes himself no better than this doctor (perhaps worse) but ruins the witness of pro-life advocates everywhere. Leading pro-life advocates are speaking out against the crime, but the damage is done.
I am anti-abortion, but I am also anti-murder. I am pro-life, not just for innocent babies, but for broken, fallen, guilty men and women like you and me, who need Jesus, not a bullet. And so I pray, today, as I did yesterday:
God,
Your faithfulness is beyond measure
Your mercies
new every morning
Your lovingkindness
knows no bounds
Give us Your faithfulness,
Your mercy
Your love
That we could be Your Body
in a broken world.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Bedrest
This may not be the most coherent post, as I am currently on narcotic painkillers. Why, you ask? Well, because I have mono. Yes, that mono. No, it's not because of the kissing-my boyfriend doesn't have it, and since he's the only guy I have ever kissed in my life, I think I must have gotten it some other way. No idea how, or where, or when (mono can take 1-2 months to show up after you have been exposed). But instead of a fully enjoyable weekend of visiting friends and family functions, I spent Memorial Day at the ER with a 103 fever and a throat so swollen I could barely swallow. But two liters of IV fluid and a whole lot of drugs made me feel much better.
But now I am stuck at home on bedrest for the week. No work, no heavy lifting-pretty much no physical exercise at all, because mono can cause your spleen to enlarge (along with all the other glands in your body) and then if you overexert yourself you can rupture said spleen, and that is BAD. Mono can take weeks to recover from, and you have to get lots of rest at the beginning or it will drag on forever. So here I am in my room, trying to a) not infect anyone else and b) not go insane.
I am a doer. Always have been. I admit that this tendency leads to overworking myself, and when that happens, I do tend to come down with colds and flus and infections. So I shouldn't be surprised that my body has rebelled and given me the worst of all possible viruses in order to get me to stop overbooking my life. This seems an extreme remedy to me though. Wouldn't a simple head cold or a case of strep have been enough?
Probably not. I have too much going on: finishing up c group, planning for the life together retreat, leading worship, family coming into town, and trying to find time to spend with my boyfriend and other friends. Oh, and time to spend with God. That would be good too.
So, I guess this week is a good reminder to slow down, prioritize, stop overcommitting, and get good rest. Now if I can just get better before June, because I have a ton of things to do then...
I know, I know. I'll take it easy.
But now I am stuck at home on bedrest for the week. No work, no heavy lifting-pretty much no physical exercise at all, because mono can cause your spleen to enlarge (along with all the other glands in your body) and then if you overexert yourself you can rupture said spleen, and that is BAD. Mono can take weeks to recover from, and you have to get lots of rest at the beginning or it will drag on forever. So here I am in my room, trying to a) not infect anyone else and b) not go insane.
I am a doer. Always have been. I admit that this tendency leads to overworking myself, and when that happens, I do tend to come down with colds and flus and infections. So I shouldn't be surprised that my body has rebelled and given me the worst of all possible viruses in order to get me to stop overbooking my life. This seems an extreme remedy to me though. Wouldn't a simple head cold or a case of strep have been enough?
Probably not. I have too much going on: finishing up c group, planning for the life together retreat, leading worship, family coming into town, and trying to find time to spend with my boyfriend and other friends. Oh, and time to spend with God. That would be good too.
So, I guess this week is a good reminder to slow down, prioritize, stop overcommitting, and get good rest. Now if I can just get better before June, because I have a ton of things to do then...
I know, I know. I'll take it easy.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
What a difference a day (or seven weeks) makes...
Haven't been blogging much lately. Been too busy getting to know this fabulous guy named Jeremy.
But today I found out that the site filters at LUBI are no longer blocking my blog, so I can write on my lunch hour. This bodes well for more frequent updates.
So, first update would have to be on the relationship status, I suppose. Facebook friends have seen the constant stream of "I'm incandescently happy" status updates and some Superpoke PDA, but what is really going on?
Well, I am in love. Really, truly, in love, beyond anything I have ever known before.
I was chatting with my college roommate Hilary, who married the love of her life three years ago this month, about how she felt when she fell in love with her husband. She said that all of her preconceived notions about what she wanted in a guy were dashed when she met Jon. She didn't know that there was a man like him, that guys like him existed. If she had known, then he is exactly what she would have wished for. He is everything she never knew she wanted or needed.
And that is how I feel about Jer. I'm constantly amazed at the ways that we fit together, the things about him that make him just perfect for me. He is kind, generous, intelligent, and outgoing. He is young at heart but not immature, hilarious and fun-loving but not irresponsible. We share viewpoints on politics, religion, money, childrearing, and a whole host of other important and unimportant topics, including the crucial one: a mutual love of science fiction. We are both very different and very much the same, complementing each other and finding acres and acres of common ground. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, and he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
But beyond the personality and compatibility questions, the most important thing is that he loves Jesus more than anyone or anything in the whole entire world. When he talks about God or Scripture or the Holy Spirit, he comes alive, and I realize that the most attractive thing about a guy is his commitment to being a disciple of Christ.
So, all that to say, things are going very well. I'm still amazed at how God works. I was perusing some old blog posts and journal entries and found myself bowled over by how God has been leading me on the path to meet this man. Two years ago in my quiet times with God I started to get these verses in Isaiah about change, about the Lord doing new things, about streams in the wilderness. Since then I've experienced a lot of growth and healing, including the amazing reconciliations of last year. I've been finding out what it means to be me and pursuing freedom from the anxiety that has plagued me for years and this past Lent came to a real place of contentment and stillness before God. This journey has brought me to a place where I feel the most at peace, the most myself, than I have ever felt.
I've always been told that God doesn't bring you the man of your dreams until you are first at peace with yourself and being single. I always laughed and said that I would never be able to give up that desire for a relationship, would never be okay with being single, so God must have a different plan for me. But apparently I was wrong. Because back there in March I literally wrote in my journal that I wanted nothing but God's will, that my hope was in God and not in the fulfillment of my dreams, that Jesus was more than enough. I wrote that I would be still and know that He is God.
And less than a week later, He introduced me to Jer.
I never gave up my desires and dreams, but I learned to let God hold them, and to live in contentment. I still love the definition of contentment that Dr. Spencer shared at last year's Life Together retreat: "contentment is the hope that frees us to live an unsatisfied life in a satisfying way." Finding that place of contentment is kind of like pursuing humility: you can't really try for it, you just have to live it. You have to focus on God more than anything else and allow Him to change your heart. You'll never be okay with being single by trying to be okay being single. Trust me, I tried. The only prayer that works is that of the father in Mark 9:24: "I believe, help my unbelief!"
I prayed that prayer, and He was faithful.
Even in the midst of this amazing blessing, I realize that life is still life, and there will be many times in the future when I will have to pray that prayer again and again and remind myself that God's faithfulness and love know no bounds. But for now, in this season, I will continue to update my status with statements like, "Rebecca is amazed at the goodness of God and the awesomeness of her boyfriend."
Groan as much as you want, you can't steal my happiness!
But today I found out that the site filters at LUBI are no longer blocking my blog, so I can write on my lunch hour. This bodes well for more frequent updates.
So, first update would have to be on the relationship status, I suppose. Facebook friends have seen the constant stream of "I'm incandescently happy" status updates and some Superpoke PDA, but what is really going on?
Well, I am in love. Really, truly, in love, beyond anything I have ever known before.
I was chatting with my college roommate Hilary, who married the love of her life three years ago this month, about how she felt when she fell in love with her husband. She said that all of her preconceived notions about what she wanted in a guy were dashed when she met Jon. She didn't know that there was a man like him, that guys like him existed. If she had known, then he is exactly what she would have wished for. He is everything she never knew she wanted or needed.
And that is how I feel about Jer. I'm constantly amazed at the ways that we fit together, the things about him that make him just perfect for me. He is kind, generous, intelligent, and outgoing. He is young at heart but not immature, hilarious and fun-loving but not irresponsible. We share viewpoints on politics, religion, money, childrearing, and a whole host of other important and unimportant topics, including the crucial one: a mutual love of science fiction. We are both very different and very much the same, complementing each other and finding acres and acres of common ground. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, and he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
But beyond the personality and compatibility questions, the most important thing is that he loves Jesus more than anyone or anything in the whole entire world. When he talks about God or Scripture or the Holy Spirit, he comes alive, and I realize that the most attractive thing about a guy is his commitment to being a disciple of Christ.
So, all that to say, things are going very well. I'm still amazed at how God works. I was perusing some old blog posts and journal entries and found myself bowled over by how God has been leading me on the path to meet this man. Two years ago in my quiet times with God I started to get these verses in Isaiah about change, about the Lord doing new things, about streams in the wilderness. Since then I've experienced a lot of growth and healing, including the amazing reconciliations of last year. I've been finding out what it means to be me and pursuing freedom from the anxiety that has plagued me for years and this past Lent came to a real place of contentment and stillness before God. This journey has brought me to a place where I feel the most at peace, the most myself, than I have ever felt.
I've always been told that God doesn't bring you the man of your dreams until you are first at peace with yourself and being single. I always laughed and said that I would never be able to give up that desire for a relationship, would never be okay with being single, so God must have a different plan for me. But apparently I was wrong. Because back there in March I literally wrote in my journal that I wanted nothing but God's will, that my hope was in God and not in the fulfillment of my dreams, that Jesus was more than enough. I wrote that I would be still and know that He is God.
And less than a week later, He introduced me to Jer.
I never gave up my desires and dreams, but I learned to let God hold them, and to live in contentment. I still love the definition of contentment that Dr. Spencer shared at last year's Life Together retreat: "contentment is the hope that frees us to live an unsatisfied life in a satisfying way." Finding that place of contentment is kind of like pursuing humility: you can't really try for it, you just have to live it. You have to focus on God more than anything else and allow Him to change your heart. You'll never be okay with being single by trying to be okay being single. Trust me, I tried. The only prayer that works is that of the father in Mark 9:24: "I believe, help my unbelief!"
I prayed that prayer, and He was faithful.
Even in the midst of this amazing blessing, I realize that life is still life, and there will be many times in the future when I will have to pray that prayer again and again and remind myself that God's faithfulness and love know no bounds. But for now, in this season, I will continue to update my status with statements like, "Rebecca is amazed at the goodness of God and the awesomeness of her boyfriend."
Groan as much as you want, you can't steal my happiness!
Friday, April 10, 2009
God Loves Surprises
Lent is coming to a close, and as we celebrate Passover and Good Friday, in preparation for Easter Sunday, I am reflecting on how much my life has changed in these 40 days.
I could not have guessed on Ash Wednesday, way back there in February, that these weeks would bring me such blessing. I knew that God was up to something, and that the call I felt to observe a strict fast and really make time for Him during the season was important. It wasn't just some whim, but a real conviction that God was asking me to go deep with Him and wait in hope for Him.
Hope seemed to be the theme-putting aside false hopes, learning to allow myself to experience the bittersweet pain of unrealized hope, and ultimately remembering that my hope must be in the Giver of blessings and not in the blessings or the methods He uses. In the midst of giving up certain foods and ways of spending my time, I found myself being able to also give up some of my fear, my disbelief, and my inability to trust. I experienced a lot of joy and peace as I spent time in prayer and worship and had encouraging talks with friends about how good our God is. The Spirit worked in my heart and drew me closer to God than I had been in months, and I found that for perhaps the first time, I was really learning how to be still and know that He is God.
But none of this prepared me for the surprise that God had waiting for me.
His name is Jeremy.
I could not have guessed on Ash Wednesday, way back there in February, that these weeks would bring me such blessing. I knew that God was up to something, and that the call I felt to observe a strict fast and really make time for Him during the season was important. It wasn't just some whim, but a real conviction that God was asking me to go deep with Him and wait in hope for Him.
Hope seemed to be the theme-putting aside false hopes, learning to allow myself to experience the bittersweet pain of unrealized hope, and ultimately remembering that my hope must be in the Giver of blessings and not in the blessings or the methods He uses. In the midst of giving up certain foods and ways of spending my time, I found myself being able to also give up some of my fear, my disbelief, and my inability to trust. I experienced a lot of joy and peace as I spent time in prayer and worship and had encouraging talks with friends about how good our God is. The Spirit worked in my heart and drew me closer to God than I had been in months, and I found that for perhaps the first time, I was really learning how to be still and know that He is God.
But none of this prepared me for the surprise that God had waiting for me.
His name is Jeremy.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Faithfulness
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
~Lamentations 3:19-26
My heart is so full right now I can't even tell you. The last month has been incredible, and last night...well, that is another blog post.
But for right now, I can tell you, that God is faithful. So incredibly faithful. And I know that I knew that He was faithful, but every now and then, when you get a taste of the blessings, when it is just staring you in the face, and you realize that He was planning this all along, that He had this trick up His sleeve, that all those nights when you were alone and frustrated and asking God why and how long, He knew, and He was just waiting with delicious anticipation to bring you a bit of goodness here on this earth in this life, well, that just blows you away.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Mourning
Saturday night I was at the Life Together fellowship night, laughing and eating and rejoicing that everything was going so well. It was a fantastic event-tons of new people came out, everyone had a great time, ate lots of food, played lots of games. Best of all, the main reason that the event went well is because now I have a full team of Questers helping to make everything happen. There is a new group of folks who have joined the ministry team in the past month, and along with a couple of dedicated team alums we are planning a good list of events (including our annual retreat!) and I am really excited to see where the ministry will go, especially since I plan to step down from the ministry leader role this August.
In the midst of this fun night, Pastor Eugene showed up and crashed the party. We always give PE a hard time when he comes by Life Together events, because the ministry is supposed to be for post-college/pre-family Questers, which is definitely not PE's demographic.
He joked around a little with folks, but when I went to go talk to him, he told me why he had been in the neighborhood. He told me that he had been called to Craig Wong's home, because the battle with cancer was not going well, and Craig was expected to pass away that night or the next day.
When he said that, it all came rushing back. The times in the hospital, seeing my grandma fight the cancer that stole her life. The phone call from my mom on a Sunday night after church telling me that my grandma was nearing the end. Breaking down on the phone with a friend as I couldn't handle the sorrow that immediately began to set in. Waiting anxiously at work the next morning for word. The feeling in my stomach when the phone rang, and I knew, even before I picked it up, that she was gone.
After PE left and I sat down to play some Bible Scattergories with friends, I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening, but my spirit was praying. Praying for Craig, that his passing would be peaceful and he would be safe in his Savior's arms. Praying for Craig's wife Betty, who is experiencing one of the hardest things a person can feel in this life. Praying for my mother, still grieving my grandma's passing and trying to deal with all the decisions and details about estates and wills and houses that are overwhelming her. Praying that someday cancer will no longer have the power to take our loved ones away. Praying that in the midst of this sorrow, there would be a way for us to see how God will work all things together for good.
Sunday at church we all heard the news: Craig had finished this life and had gone home. We prayed and we worshipped, and as we sang, I cried, for Craig and Betty, for their young children, who like me will grow up not knowing a parent, for my grandma, for all those who have lost someone to cancer. We mourn with those who mourn, and our sorrows expand our hearts so that we can carry the burden of others' sorrows. But the Spirit gives us gladness for our mourning, as we seek Him, as we bring our broken hearts and lay them at His feet. And so the last song we sang became the cry of my heart, the cry of all of us who have loved and lost:
In the midst of this fun night, Pastor Eugene showed up and crashed the party. We always give PE a hard time when he comes by Life Together events, because the ministry is supposed to be for post-college/pre-family Questers, which is definitely not PE's demographic.
He joked around a little with folks, but when I went to go talk to him, he told me why he had been in the neighborhood. He told me that he had been called to Craig Wong's home, because the battle with cancer was not going well, and Craig was expected to pass away that night or the next day.
When he said that, it all came rushing back. The times in the hospital, seeing my grandma fight the cancer that stole her life. The phone call from my mom on a Sunday night after church telling me that my grandma was nearing the end. Breaking down on the phone with a friend as I couldn't handle the sorrow that immediately began to set in. Waiting anxiously at work the next morning for word. The feeling in my stomach when the phone rang, and I knew, even before I picked it up, that she was gone.
After PE left and I sat down to play some Bible Scattergories with friends, I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening, but my spirit was praying. Praying for Craig, that his passing would be peaceful and he would be safe in his Savior's arms. Praying for Craig's wife Betty, who is experiencing one of the hardest things a person can feel in this life. Praying for my mother, still grieving my grandma's passing and trying to deal with all the decisions and details about estates and wills and houses that are overwhelming her. Praying that someday cancer will no longer have the power to take our loved ones away. Praying that in the midst of this sorrow, there would be a way for us to see how God will work all things together for good.
Sunday at church we all heard the news: Craig had finished this life and had gone home. We prayed and we worshipped, and as we sang, I cried, for Craig and Betty, for their young children, who like me will grow up not knowing a parent, for my grandma, for all those who have lost someone to cancer. We mourn with those who mourn, and our sorrows expand our hearts so that we can carry the burden of others' sorrows. But the Spirit gives us gladness for our mourning, as we seek Him, as we bring our broken hearts and lay them at His feet. And so the last song we sang became the cry of my heart, the cry of all of us who have loved and lost:
God will you make us
A people that love You
Please take our offerings
That we set before You
God hear our prayers
That we're lifting up to You
God see our tears
That we're struggling to see through
God, hear our prayers to You
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Status Updates
I love technology. Yes, I am a romantic, and I love to read old novels and light candles and all of that, and am not very handy with technological gidgets and widgets. But I greatly appreciate computers and highspeed internet access. While my eyes might glaze over after about 30 seconds whenever my geek friends start spewing technobabble, I love them and love that when I am faced with the blue screen of death, I have someone to call. I should probably figure out how to take care of my own laptop, but when some of your best guy friends are IT nerds, why bother?
I'm a devoted fan of Gmail. I don't know how I ever lived before I switched. The chatting, the way it is organized in conversations, the usefulness of google docs and google calendar and google reader and google groups. I could go on forever. I get to work and sign into my gmail, and although my "draconian" company blocks gchat as well as all social networking sites (I actually had a friend use that adjective after learning I was being blocked from gchat. Love it) I spend all day with my gmail up, ready to respond to any email you might send me. I love social networking sites, and would spend all day updating my Twitter status if it wasn't for this virtual wall that the Large Unnamed Banking Institution has constructed. I guess that is a good thing, since I should be working!
Since gchat is blocked, I subvert that by sending countless emails throughout the day, mostly to my friend the Kiwi. We have literally sent thousands of emails over the past year. I searched for her name (another fabulous benefit of gmail) and found 502 conversations. Some of our conversations have actually been longer than the gmail limit of 100 messages. Even at an average of 30 messages a conversation (which is not a stretch: as I write this, we are on a 52 message conversation) that's 15,000 emails. As the Kiwi would say, booyah!
But the biggest and best is, of course, Facebook. The status updates, the links, the notes, the applications. Especially superpoke. I mean, where else do you get to take sexy back from your roommate and then throw a sheep at a friend after having a conversation about the old pc game Worms? You can have an impromptu dance party in your kitchen and ten minutes later the photos are uploaded and you are making funny comments on them. Too much fun.
I love reading other people's status updates and laughing at their witty notes. And I will admit to spending too much time thinking of clever updates to my status. But as fun as it is, sometimes status updates are insufficient to explain how you are feeling.
I ran into that last night. I had just gotten home from visiting my friend and former co-leader's C group, where we ate and laughed and talked about Passover and communion and messianic prophecy. I was reflecting on the good friends that are in that group and the awesome lunch I had enjoyed with one of them the day before, as well as my own C group and the faithful people who come and share their hearts and lives with me. I was meditating on Lent and the peace that I have been feeling the last week but also the awareness of my own sin and sorrow. I was overcome by the goodness and mercy of God, that He chose to be that Passover lamb for us, that He was pierced for our transgressions, that by the stripes on His back I am healed.
I kept changing my status. Rebecca has a full heart. No, what kind of status is that. Full of what? Rebecca is grateful. Well, yes, but that's not enough of a word. Rebecca is thinking about how blessed she is. Well, but I am also thinking about what a sinner I am, and the dark places in my life right now, and while I am blessed in spite of all that, you need more explanation.
So what did I settle on? Rebecca can't come up with a status message that explains how she is feeling. As great as all this technology is, there is no way to summarize a heart overcome by a jumble of peace, joy, pain, absolute fulfillment and unrequited love, contentment and frustration, faith and faithlessness.
This is why as great as it is to buy you a drink on superpoke (it's free, and there are no side effects!) I would much rather enjoy a meal or drink with you in person, and share what God is doing, face to face.
I'm a devoted fan of Gmail. I don't know how I ever lived before I switched. The chatting, the way it is organized in conversations, the usefulness of google docs and google calendar and google reader and google groups. I could go on forever. I get to work and sign into my gmail, and although my "draconian" company blocks gchat as well as all social networking sites (I actually had a friend use that adjective after learning I was being blocked from gchat. Love it) I spend all day with my gmail up, ready to respond to any email you might send me. I love social networking sites, and would spend all day updating my Twitter status if it wasn't for this virtual wall that the Large Unnamed Banking Institution has constructed. I guess that is a good thing, since I should be working!
Since gchat is blocked, I subvert that by sending countless emails throughout the day, mostly to my friend the Kiwi. We have literally sent thousands of emails over the past year. I searched for her name (another fabulous benefit of gmail) and found 502 conversations. Some of our conversations have actually been longer than the gmail limit of 100 messages. Even at an average of 30 messages a conversation (which is not a stretch: as I write this, we are on a 52 message conversation) that's 15,000 emails. As the Kiwi would say, booyah!
But the biggest and best is, of course, Facebook. The status updates, the links, the notes, the applications. Especially superpoke. I mean, where else do you get to take sexy back from your roommate and then throw a sheep at a friend after having a conversation about the old pc game Worms? You can have an impromptu dance party in your kitchen and ten minutes later the photos are uploaded and you are making funny comments on them. Too much fun.
I love reading other people's status updates and laughing at their witty notes. And I will admit to spending too much time thinking of clever updates to my status. But as fun as it is, sometimes status updates are insufficient to explain how you are feeling.
I ran into that last night. I had just gotten home from visiting my friend and former co-leader's C group, where we ate and laughed and talked about Passover and communion and messianic prophecy. I was reflecting on the good friends that are in that group and the awesome lunch I had enjoyed with one of them the day before, as well as my own C group and the faithful people who come and share their hearts and lives with me. I was meditating on Lent and the peace that I have been feeling the last week but also the awareness of my own sin and sorrow. I was overcome by the goodness and mercy of God, that He chose to be that Passover lamb for us, that He was pierced for our transgressions, that by the stripes on His back I am healed.
I kept changing my status. Rebecca has a full heart. No, what kind of status is that. Full of what? Rebecca is grateful. Well, yes, but that's not enough of a word. Rebecca is thinking about how blessed she is. Well, but I am also thinking about what a sinner I am, and the dark places in my life right now, and while I am blessed in spite of all that, you need more explanation.
So what did I settle on? Rebecca can't come up with a status message that explains how she is feeling. As great as all this technology is, there is no way to summarize a heart overcome by a jumble of peace, joy, pain, absolute fulfillment and unrequited love, contentment and frustration, faith and faithlessness.
This is why as great as it is to buy you a drink on superpoke (it's free, and there are no side effects!) I would much rather enjoy a meal or drink with you in person, and share what God is doing, face to face.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Lenten Discipline
Today's lenten devotional from Henri J. M. Nouwen:
The practice of giving up things for Lent has become something of a fad in the evangelical church. We give up chocolate, give up TV, facebook, whatever modern convenience or minor vice that you can live without, and say that it is given up for God. But is saying no to your daily doughnut helping your spirit, or merely your body?
Yes, body, soul, and spirit are all part of your being, and should be cared for and disciplined equally. But it is too easy to give up a little something and miss the entire point of Lent. Lent is supposed to be about repentance, cleansing, and identification with suffering. It is also a time where we put aside worldly things so that we can focus on spiritual things. Giving up physical things like food is supposed to point us back to Christ and the cross, to His time in the desert, his struggle in the garden. Whatever it is that we give up, we are supposed to use it as a way to bring us into prayer and repentance. It is only a season, but it should be a season that changes us and causes us to grow for the long-term.
I'm giving up a lot for Lent--in my diet, my spending, my habits. It's been quite awhile since I did anything more than give up chocolate or some other small thing. I've chosen to go with a very strict Lenten discipline this year because in my crazy overpacked schedule I feel I have lost the discipline that makes time for God. I used to be a much more disciplined person, but lately the ups and downs of life have pulled me away from that. I turn to food as a way to deal with emotions, I don't get enough rest, I obsess over how I am perceived by others. I get tired and emotional and don't turn to God for my joy and contentment. These are things I need to repent from.
I also tend to say yes to everything, to always be the first (and last) one at the party or on the list to help. While my motivations are usually good, this habit can be just as bad for my spiritual health. For me, this Lent is a time to remind my Martha self that in my desire to serve the people of Christ, I mustn't miss out on the most important thing: Christ Himself.
My mom told me a long time ago that when you are fasting, every time you find yourself desiring the thing you are fasting from is an opportunity to pray. So in saying no to a few things, I hope to be reminding myself to always be making a place for God to speak into my life, and I hope that this discipline will be something that continues long after I start saying yes to chocolate again.
"Discipline is the creation of boundaries that keep time and space open for God--a time and a place where God's gracious presence can be acknowledge and responded to."
The practice of giving up things for Lent has become something of a fad in the evangelical church. We give up chocolate, give up TV, facebook, whatever modern convenience or minor vice that you can live without, and say that it is given up for God. But is saying no to your daily doughnut helping your spirit, or merely your body?
Yes, body, soul, and spirit are all part of your being, and should be cared for and disciplined equally. But it is too easy to give up a little something and miss the entire point of Lent. Lent is supposed to be about repentance, cleansing, and identification with suffering. It is also a time where we put aside worldly things so that we can focus on spiritual things. Giving up physical things like food is supposed to point us back to Christ and the cross, to His time in the desert, his struggle in the garden. Whatever it is that we give up, we are supposed to use it as a way to bring us into prayer and repentance. It is only a season, but it should be a season that changes us and causes us to grow for the long-term.
I'm giving up a lot for Lent--in my diet, my spending, my habits. It's been quite awhile since I did anything more than give up chocolate or some other small thing. I've chosen to go with a very strict Lenten discipline this year because in my crazy overpacked schedule I feel I have lost the discipline that makes time for God. I used to be a much more disciplined person, but lately the ups and downs of life have pulled me away from that. I turn to food as a way to deal with emotions, I don't get enough rest, I obsess over how I am perceived by others. I get tired and emotional and don't turn to God for my joy and contentment. These are things I need to repent from.
I also tend to say yes to everything, to always be the first (and last) one at the party or on the list to help. While my motivations are usually good, this habit can be just as bad for my spiritual health. For me, this Lent is a time to remind my Martha self that in my desire to serve the people of Christ, I mustn't miss out on the most important thing: Christ Himself.
My mom told me a long time ago that when you are fasting, every time you find yourself desiring the thing you are fasting from is an opportunity to pray. So in saying no to a few things, I hope to be reminding myself to always be making a place for God to speak into my life, and I hope that this discipline will be something that continues long after I start saying yes to chocolate again.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Drawbridge
He pulls up to the bridge, the lights flashing, metal separating as the boat slowly glides underneath. Other men stop and get out for a smoke, but his mind is on the passenger in the backseat. Quickly jerking the emergency brake into place, he dashes out of his seat and around to the rear passenger door. Throwing it open, he unbackles the carseat and lifts his son into the air. "Look!" he says, "that's a drawbridge!" His son beams and gestures wildly at the new excitement. He can't help but smile back, and as his father heart warms at the joy in his son's eyes, he gives him a kiss on the cheek and thinks to himself, "this is what life is all about."
~~(quickly) written on the First Avenue bridge, as I watched the scene unfold.
~~(quickly) written on the First Avenue bridge, as I watched the scene unfold.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Letting Go What You Are Not
Look in
and see him looking out
He is not always
quiet, but there have been times
when happiness has come
to him, unasked,
like the stillness on the water
that holds the evening clear
while it subsides
-and he let go
what he was not.
~~Wendell Berry, Window Poems #5
Yesterday was a good day. I woke up early for no apparent reason, was super productive and happily domestic in the morning, cooking and cleaning and enjoying my house. Spent a few hours helping a friend pack and move, and we had a great talk about life and vision and calling in a cafe with the sunshine streaming in the window. Spent a few precious minutes at my new favorite park. Wandered around Ballard on an artwalk that ended up being more walking than art, but the friends made it fun. And then had the friends over to my house for food and drink and board games. All-around awesome.
And I enjoyed every minute of it. There was a moment, a moment when one of those old lies tried to come and tell me that I was not wanted, that the party that I was hosting could go on without me and no one would notice. I've heard this lie in my head for years and years. But I looked it in the face and I told it, "yes, you're right. The party can go on without me. But they would notice. And even if they don't notice, it doesn't mean I am not wanted. I put the party together, and they are having fun. But they don't just want me for what I do, but for who I am. They want me to be with them. So I am going back up there and I'm going to enjoy myself."
And I was right. They wanted me and I enjoyed myself. So that's one more lie, one more thing that I am not, that I will put behind me. When that lie tries again, I will remind it of that night, and I will live in the truth.
It was Valentine's Day. And while there was no romance, there was love, and I was not unwanted.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Truth/Beauty
Living in truth
is too hard some days
the lies are like
comfy old sweats-
you know you look horrible,
but it's easier
than trying to be beautiful
and though He gives beauty
for ashes
I sometimes crumble
in the dust of my dreams
(the ones based on false hopes)
and I ask 'why?' and
'how long?'
even though I could stand up
and be cleansed
and the truth
could set me free
is too hard some days
the lies are like
comfy old sweats-
you know you look horrible,
but it's easier
than trying to be beautiful
and though He gives beauty
for ashes
I sometimes crumble
in the dust of my dreams
(the ones based on false hopes)
and I ask 'why?' and
'how long?'
even though I could stand up
and be cleansed
and the truth
could set me free
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Faith And Economics
For those who came out today to my mini-session on credit and debt, and those who missed it, here is the powerpoint presentation. Feel free to ask further questions!
Faith And Economics
View more presentations from rjgintrepid.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Time Flies
Is it really February already? Yesterday I tried to figure out where January went and couldn't find it. I think it was lost in a blur of good intentions and resolutions gone by the wayside.
The month was not completely lost-I can look at my calendar and see that I was able to catch up with good friends who I had not seen much over the holidays, that I celebrated birthdays and went out of town twice. But the fact that I have to look at my calendar to remember that is frightening. It seems as if I am running through life without a moment to stop and enjoy it.
The thing is, though, that while I complain about how fast life is moving, I seem to operate better as a busy person. I am constantly planning, making lists and schedules, and getting satisfaction out of crossing items off those lists or changing the month on the calendar. I rarely have two days in a row where I am not booked. I constantly feel like I am not getting enough done, not getting enough sleep, not enough, not enough.
And of course, when I do have a moment to stop and reflect, I don't know what to do with myself. This weekend was a prime example. I had no concrete plans, no to-do list. I could be busy or quiet as I wanted. On Sunday I had no responsibilities whatsoever-no meetings, no announcements to make, no songs to lead. And I was completely discombobulated. I changed my facebook status four times in an hour and tried to pray and meditate without much success. I was in a funk all afternoon and didn't go out for dinner after church. I obsessed over random comments made by me or to me that weren't really big deals at all but became huge destructive messes in my overactive brain.
Sigh.
Last summer, after the Life Together Retreat, I started writing a post entitled "What Does It Mean To Be?". It was in response to Dr. Spencer's teachings on authenticity. He had put up on the board at the start of that session a quote that had been on my wall for months: 'esse quam videri'. It means 'to be, rather than to appear'. It's something that I have been struggling with for a couple of years now. I am a doer, a Martha, a 2 on the Enneagram, an ESFJ Provider-Guardian that is always taking care of things. But how do I simply be?
And if I just be, will that be enough?
I've been talking about taking a sabbatical for awhile now. I decided that this would be my last season leading both a C group and Life Together. I'll continue to serve until July or August, after C groups are done for the year and the Life Together Retreat is hopefully another great success. But then I will take some time to not be in charge, to not have a full calendar every month. It will be good for both me and the ministries.
But I am already thinking about all the things that I could do during that time. Piano lessons, a foreign language, maybe more dance lessons or a martial arts class. I might end up just as busy as I am now. And will that defeat the purpose? Will all this activity just continue to distract me from my dissatisfaction with myself?
I realized in my struggling yesterday that as much as I have changed and grown as a person, I still have the same tendencies, the same old patterns that threaten to come back and take over, and hiding in my busyness is one of those old ways of coping. When I feel like I am not enough, that nobody wants just me, then I find more things to do to make myself useful. And it's a pattern that I don't want to keep repeating.
I know there is a lot underneath all this, motivations that I am unpacking. And half the battle is being aware enough of your own responses and whether or not they are coming from truth or lies that you believe about yourself. But the other half of the battle, the part where you actually have to change and overcome those lies, and not live in them anymore, that part is harder.
I never finished that post on authenticity. Maybe I should find the time.
The month was not completely lost-I can look at my calendar and see that I was able to catch up with good friends who I had not seen much over the holidays, that I celebrated birthdays and went out of town twice. But the fact that I have to look at my calendar to remember that is frightening. It seems as if I am running through life without a moment to stop and enjoy it.
The thing is, though, that while I complain about how fast life is moving, I seem to operate better as a busy person. I am constantly planning, making lists and schedules, and getting satisfaction out of crossing items off those lists or changing the month on the calendar. I rarely have two days in a row where I am not booked. I constantly feel like I am not getting enough done, not getting enough sleep, not enough, not enough.
And of course, when I do have a moment to stop and reflect, I don't know what to do with myself. This weekend was a prime example. I had no concrete plans, no to-do list. I could be busy or quiet as I wanted. On Sunday I had no responsibilities whatsoever-no meetings, no announcements to make, no songs to lead. And I was completely discombobulated. I changed my facebook status four times in an hour and tried to pray and meditate without much success. I was in a funk all afternoon and didn't go out for dinner after church. I obsessed over random comments made by me or to me that weren't really big deals at all but became huge destructive messes in my overactive brain.
Sigh.
Last summer, after the Life Together Retreat, I started writing a post entitled "What Does It Mean To Be?". It was in response to Dr. Spencer's teachings on authenticity. He had put up on the board at the start of that session a quote that had been on my wall for months: 'esse quam videri'. It means 'to be, rather than to appear'. It's something that I have been struggling with for a couple of years now. I am a doer, a Martha, a 2 on the Enneagram, an ESFJ Provider-Guardian that is always taking care of things. But how do I simply be?
And if I just be, will that be enough?
I've been talking about taking a sabbatical for awhile now. I decided that this would be my last season leading both a C group and Life Together. I'll continue to serve until July or August, after C groups are done for the year and the Life Together Retreat is hopefully another great success. But then I will take some time to not be in charge, to not have a full calendar every month. It will be good for both me and the ministries.
But I am already thinking about all the things that I could do during that time. Piano lessons, a foreign language, maybe more dance lessons or a martial arts class. I might end up just as busy as I am now. And will that defeat the purpose? Will all this activity just continue to distract me from my dissatisfaction with myself?
I realized in my struggling yesterday that as much as I have changed and grown as a person, I still have the same tendencies, the same old patterns that threaten to come back and take over, and hiding in my busyness is one of those old ways of coping. When I feel like I am not enough, that nobody wants just me, then I find more things to do to make myself useful. And it's a pattern that I don't want to keep repeating.
I know there is a lot underneath all this, motivations that I am unpacking. And half the battle is being aware enough of your own responses and whether or not they are coming from truth or lies that you believe about yourself. But the other half of the battle, the part where you actually have to change and overcome those lies, and not live in them anymore, that part is harder.
I never finished that post on authenticity. Maybe I should find the time.
Monday, January 26, 2009
25 Random Things About Me
Everybody seems to be jumping on the "random things about me" bandwagon, and seeing as how I never pass up a chance to fill out a survey or take a personality test I think this is the wagon to jump on. Enjoy:
1. When I was 5 yrs old, I stole a piece of candy corn from the bulk food bins at the grocery store. My mom caught me and made me apologize to the cashier and pay ten cents for it.
2. When I was born, I was a blond, and my hair was only slightly wavy.
3. I am part Syrian, which partly explains why I frequently get asked if I am a) Jewish, or b) black. But I am also part Cherokee, and according to the owner of Lounjin, there is this landbridge theory about the origins of Native Americans, so between that and the Syrian, I am really almost a quarter Asian.
4. When I was in high school, I had a paper route. I used to deliver papers around my neighborhood in the afternoons and then on weekends my dad would go with me because it was early in the morning. I was even Carrier of the Month once and got my picture in the paper. I delivered papers my freshman year of college too, so when they handed out end of the year floor awards in my dorm, mine was for 'Best Actress in the musical: "Jane Austen Delivers the 2am Newspaper"'.
5. I don't swim, I only dog paddle. Seriously, when I was little and my parents were trying to teach me how to swim, I would cling to them for dear life. Then they made me take swimming lessons when I was 12. I was the biggest kid in the beginner class. I still can't really swim, but I could probably stay alive for a few minutes before I drowned.
6. I bought my first car at 15, before I could drive. It was a Suzuki Samurai, a little mini-jeep, and I thought it was super cute. It was a good deal, but it was a stickshift, and I ended up not being able to drive it, so I had to sell it. I still can't drive a stick.
7. All of my family's vehicles, including mine, have names. My current car is named Katerina, Kat for short, because she is German and very fast and powerful. The Samurai was named Suzi.
8. All five of us siblings have different hair colors and textures-black, brown, red, curly, wavy, straight, all different combinations. If you just looked at our hair, we wouldn't look related. Contrastingly, my best friend and I have been asked if we are sisters too many times to count, and have even been asked if we are twins.
9. I have a little bit of asthma that kicks in when there is a lot of dust or I work out really hard. Which is why I found breathing difficult when hiking in Arches National Park last June.
10. My freshman year of college, I went through three roommates. One was fine, we just didn't get along. Another one was a thief. The last one was great, but attended school inconsistently. But during that year I became friends with the girl who became my roommate for the rest of college, who is still one of my best friends.
11. According to my dad, there is a Garrett's Pub somewhere in Yorkshire that is owned by ancestral relatives. Also, our family crest colors are supposedly cobalt blue and gold. Good thing I really like cobalt blue.
12. I love mushrooms, any and all kinds, raw or cooked. A mushroom-swiss burger is one of my great weaknesses.
13. I grew up constantly singing and acting in choirs and plays at church and school, but I have never had any voice or acting lessons and only 6 months of piano lessons.
14. When I was 15, I was at a friend's graduation party. One of his friends from school said that she had wine coolers in her car that her dad had bought her, and she was going to bring them down to the beach where we were. I got up and said that there was not going to be any alcohol because we were all under age and if she brought it down, I was going to get my friend's mom, and my dad, and the police, and it was not going to happen! The next day someone who had been at the party told his mom about it, and then she told all the parents at church about it. I got quite the reputation.
15. I have a weird habit of getting dressed in the bathroom instead of my bedroom which comes from 6 years of living in a bedroom with only two walls and no door.
16. The two things I own the most of are books and shoes. I collect antique books and they are all over my room and in boxes and just everywhere. If I had to get rid of them I don't know if I would survive.
17. My least favorite colors are chartreuse and bright orange. Oh, and puce. I probably hate these colors because I look horrendous in anything yellow-based. I am really picky about wearing colors that look good with your skin tone, both for myself and others.
18. I used to take horseback riding lessons and go to horse camp and I absolutely love riding even though I never get a chance to do it.
19. I was not allowed to listen to non-Christian music growing up, so my favorite bands were Newsboys and Switchfoot. The very first concert I ever went to was Carman: The Standard. The only reason I know any pop songs from the 80s and 90s is because of karaoke.
20. I was a HUGE scifi nerd (kind of still am) growing up. I watched every single iteration of the Star Trek franchise, actually knew a few phrases in Klingon, and can still carry on conversations about ST, Star Wars, Babylon 5, Stargate, Farscape, Firefly (the best) and other random things. The only thing I haven't seen is Battlestar Galactica.
21. If I were living in the sixties, I would have the biggest crush ever on James Garner. Support Your Local Sheriff, Move Over Darling, The Thrill Of It All. You've got to watch them. So great.
22. I never intended to get into banking. I actually said to parents and friends, "business? why would I want to be in business? I am going to be a teacher!" But then I finished my English degree and decided not to be a teacher. So I started applying to admin assistant jobs and randomly ended up on the WaMu website (good thing I didn't end up there). While I was looking at WaMu job openings, I thought, "Huh. Where else do I bank? Um, I have a card at US Bank. Ok. I guess I'll apply to jobs at US Bank." And then I applied and got the call. After I hung up with the manager I was going to interview with, I had to go look up the job to see what it was I was interviewing for. Six years later, here I am, still in banking. God has a sense of humor.
23. When I was five, I went with my parents on a mission trip to Mexico. We were helping to build an orphanage. I was playing with the kids, and my parents had to go get some supplies from town, so they asked someone to keep an eye on me while they ran their errand. But I looked up and saw them driving away, and I thought they were leaving me with the orphans! I ran screaming after the truck, yelling, "don't leave me! don't leave me!" I think it scarred me for life. I still have abandonment issues.
24. My mom (who is amazing) is only 17 years and 7 months older than me (my birth mother died when I was two and my dad remarried a woman six years his junior). She also looks about 35, so people think she is my sister (very annoying). So we have a tacit agreement that whomever I end up marrying has to be closer to my age than hers, which means he can't be more than 8 years and 9 months older than me. So if you were born before November of 1973, you are kind of out of luck.
25. I love any and all personality tests and surveys, from Myers-Briggs and StrengthsFinder to 'What's Your Coffee Personality' and 'Which Jane Austen Character Are You?'. I own books like Your Personality Tree and Now Discover Your Strengths. I'm an ESFJ (slight E, strong J) Provider-Guardian Melancholy-Choleric with a number one strength of Responsibility (big surprise there). I am also espresso and a cross between Lizzy from Pride and Prejudice and Anne from Persuasion.
1. When I was 5 yrs old, I stole a piece of candy corn from the bulk food bins at the grocery store. My mom caught me and made me apologize to the cashier and pay ten cents for it.
2. When I was born, I was a blond, and my hair was only slightly wavy.
3. I am part Syrian, which partly explains why I frequently get asked if I am a) Jewish, or b) black. But I am also part Cherokee, and according to the owner of Lounjin, there is this landbridge theory about the origins of Native Americans, so between that and the Syrian, I am really almost a quarter Asian.
4. When I was in high school, I had a paper route. I used to deliver papers around my neighborhood in the afternoons and then on weekends my dad would go with me because it was early in the morning. I was even Carrier of the Month once and got my picture in the paper. I delivered papers my freshman year of college too, so when they handed out end of the year floor awards in my dorm, mine was for 'Best Actress in the musical: "Jane Austen Delivers the 2am Newspaper"'.
5. I don't swim, I only dog paddle. Seriously, when I was little and my parents were trying to teach me how to swim, I would cling to them for dear life. Then they made me take swimming lessons when I was 12. I was the biggest kid in the beginner class. I still can't really swim, but I could probably stay alive for a few minutes before I drowned.
6. I bought my first car at 15, before I could drive. It was a Suzuki Samurai, a little mini-jeep, and I thought it was super cute. It was a good deal, but it was a stickshift, and I ended up not being able to drive it, so I had to sell it. I still can't drive a stick.
7. All of my family's vehicles, including mine, have names. My current car is named Katerina, Kat for short, because she is German and very fast and powerful. The Samurai was named Suzi.
8. All five of us siblings have different hair colors and textures-black, brown, red, curly, wavy, straight, all different combinations. If you just looked at our hair, we wouldn't look related. Contrastingly, my best friend and I have been asked if we are sisters too many times to count, and have even been asked if we are twins.
9. I have a little bit of asthma that kicks in when there is a lot of dust or I work out really hard. Which is why I found breathing difficult when hiking in Arches National Park last June.
10. My freshman year of college, I went through three roommates. One was fine, we just didn't get along. Another one was a thief. The last one was great, but attended school inconsistently. But during that year I became friends with the girl who became my roommate for the rest of college, who is still one of my best friends.
11. According to my dad, there is a Garrett's Pub somewhere in Yorkshire that is owned by ancestral relatives. Also, our family crest colors are supposedly cobalt blue and gold. Good thing I really like cobalt blue.
12. I love mushrooms, any and all kinds, raw or cooked. A mushroom-swiss burger is one of my great weaknesses.
13. I grew up constantly singing and acting in choirs and plays at church and school, but I have never had any voice or acting lessons and only 6 months of piano lessons.
14. When I was 15, I was at a friend's graduation party. One of his friends from school said that she had wine coolers in her car that her dad had bought her, and she was going to bring them down to the beach where we were. I got up and said that there was not going to be any alcohol because we were all under age and if she brought it down, I was going to get my friend's mom, and my dad, and the police, and it was not going to happen! The next day someone who had been at the party told his mom about it, and then she told all the parents at church about it. I got quite the reputation.
15. I have a weird habit of getting dressed in the bathroom instead of my bedroom which comes from 6 years of living in a bedroom with only two walls and no door.
16. The two things I own the most of are books and shoes. I collect antique books and they are all over my room and in boxes and just everywhere. If I had to get rid of them I don't know if I would survive.
17. My least favorite colors are chartreuse and bright orange. Oh, and puce. I probably hate these colors because I look horrendous in anything yellow-based. I am really picky about wearing colors that look good with your skin tone, both for myself and others.
18. I used to take horseback riding lessons and go to horse camp and I absolutely love riding even though I never get a chance to do it.
19. I was not allowed to listen to non-Christian music growing up, so my favorite bands were Newsboys and Switchfoot. The very first concert I ever went to was Carman: The Standard. The only reason I know any pop songs from the 80s and 90s is because of karaoke.
20. I was a HUGE scifi nerd (kind of still am) growing up. I watched every single iteration of the Star Trek franchise, actually knew a few phrases in Klingon, and can still carry on conversations about ST, Star Wars, Babylon 5, Stargate, Farscape, Firefly (the best) and other random things. The only thing I haven't seen is Battlestar Galactica.
21. If I were living in the sixties, I would have the biggest crush ever on James Garner. Support Your Local Sheriff, Move Over Darling, The Thrill Of It All. You've got to watch them. So great.
22. I never intended to get into banking. I actually said to parents and friends, "business? why would I want to be in business? I am going to be a teacher!" But then I finished my English degree and decided not to be a teacher. So I started applying to admin assistant jobs and randomly ended up on the WaMu website (good thing I didn't end up there). While I was looking at WaMu job openings, I thought, "Huh. Where else do I bank? Um, I have a card at US Bank. Ok. I guess I'll apply to jobs at US Bank." And then I applied and got the call. After I hung up with the manager I was going to interview with, I had to go look up the job to see what it was I was interviewing for. Six years later, here I am, still in banking. God has a sense of humor.
23. When I was five, I went with my parents on a mission trip to Mexico. We were helping to build an orphanage. I was playing with the kids, and my parents had to go get some supplies from town, so they asked someone to keep an eye on me while they ran their errand. But I looked up and saw them driving away, and I thought they were leaving me with the orphans! I ran screaming after the truck, yelling, "don't leave me! don't leave me!" I think it scarred me for life. I still have abandonment issues.
24. My mom (who is amazing) is only 17 years and 7 months older than me (my birth mother died when I was two and my dad remarried a woman six years his junior). She also looks about 35, so people think she is my sister (very annoying). So we have a tacit agreement that whomever I end up marrying has to be closer to my age than hers, which means he can't be more than 8 years and 9 months older than me. So if you were born before November of 1973, you are kind of out of luck.
25. I love any and all personality tests and surveys, from Myers-Briggs and StrengthsFinder to 'What's Your Coffee Personality' and 'Which Jane Austen Character Are You?'. I own books like Your Personality Tree and Now Discover Your Strengths. I'm an ESFJ (slight E, strong J) Provider-Guardian Melancholy-Choleric with a number one strength of Responsibility (big surprise there). I am also espresso and a cross between Lizzy from Pride and Prejudice and Anne from Persuasion.
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