Today's advent devotional from Henri Nouwen:
"Quite often out of an intimate encounter with God encounters with other human beings become possible...If you are the beloved of God, if you start thinking about other people's lives, you start realizing that they are as beloved as you are. One of the profound experiences of the spiritual life is that when you discover yourself as being the beloved son or daughter of God, you suddenly have new eyes to see the belovedness of other people.
It is very interesting because it is the opposite of what happens in the world when they say you are very special, that means you are not the same as the rest. If you win an award and they say you are different than others, then that award is valuable because not everyone gets that award. The world is saying that you are only the best when not everybody else is the best."
This little passage really struck me today because it so perfectly encapsulates my own struggle with self worth and need for achievement when I was younger (and even now, although to a lesser extent). I had the viewpoint of the world. I lived in the mentality that I was not special, not beloved, and that I had to earn the love and respect of others through my own hard work. I could not see that my belovedness came from being created by God.
One of the interesting results of my own developing self-acceptance is an increased ability to accept and love those around me. I've always been a very critical person, perhaps more on myself than others. While I will likely never be known as the most empathetic, soft-hearted person on the planet, I have a much greater capacity for tolerance, forgiveness, and forbearance than I ever had in my youth. I am more likely to be willing to get to know a person, instead of meeting them with a set of expectations or qualifications. This openness leads to a lot less disappointment, and a lot more joy.
As a response to the reading, Nouwen's advent action for today is to list our blessings, so I share the following list:
Family: Despite losing my mother at a young age, I now have a wonderful mom, the most loving dad in the world, and four fantastic brothers, plus grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who love me.
Home: Because of this wonderful family, I get to live at home with parents who have successfully made the transition to parent of adult child, which means lots of fun, home-cooked meals, no rent payment, and being woken up early in the morning by a 9 year old singing "Mele Kalikimaka."
Church: I knew when God called me to leave my childhood church, it wouldn't be easy but it would be better in the end. Quest has accepted me, loved me, and given me a place to serve and develop my spiritual gifts.
Friends: Not only do I have fantastic lifelong friends (Tenae and I just hit 18 years!) but coming to Quest has multiplied my circle of friends like the loaves and fishies of Gospel times. Every week I look forward to church and dinner following (mmm...honeydew beef...) and between C groups and Life Together I have the busiest social schedule I have ever had in my life.
Work: Despite having given up my misguided college dream of being a teacher, I have somehow found a place in the world of banking. The entire career at Large Unnamed Banking Institution has been one surprise after the other, the most recent being my new position at the brokerage. Who knew I could read the financial section of a newspaper and understand it?
There are so many other great blessings in my life: my perfect blue car, my long list of guy friends who insist on telling me how they have crushes on my girl friends, living in Seattle, the library system that supports my reading/viewing habit, lots of music to listen to and plays to go see, and now friends who like the theatre too! Oh, I could go on, but I will challenge you to make your own list. And remind you that you are beloved of God.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Deck the halls with cake and cookies
It is incomprehensible to me how much food has been delivered to my office this week. I haven't had to buy or bring lunch because there is just too much food to be had. Of course, the food consists of cake(s), cookies, chocolates, sweet breads, scones, and pretzels and nuts covered in various sweet sauces. Oh, and fruit. Have to put something healthy in there, right?
In an attempt to combat the never-ending flow of sweets, today I switched my gym membership. With the job change, my previous location was no longer very convenient, and I don't need any more excuses to skip out on exercise. I'm tired, I'm busy, I forgot my water bottle or my iPod, I really just hate being on the elliptical machine for extended periods of time. So much easier to just get on the bus and head home. Oh, and don't even talk to me about getting up early to work out. It is dark and cold, and I am lucky if I make it to work on time.
So I forced myself to make the switch and go work out today. I was gifted with a free workout with a trainer (aka marketing opportunity) so I let her put me through my paces. Boy are my hamstrings going to hate me tomorrow.
I've never been much of an athlete. I was always clumsy as a kid, tripping over my pigeon-toed feet and getting tired out easily. I wasn't flexible or graceful, and I still have never been able to do a real cartwheel. The best I ever did in athletics was in high school when I had a paper route. I would ride my bike up and down hills for an hour every day, which was enough to get me out of PE class, and that made me very happy. I never did recover from PE in 6th grade, when the entire class had to do pushups whenever someone failed to get the ball over the net in volleyball. Guess who caused many, many pushups to be doled out upon an unhappy class?
Combine my lack of athleticism with a generally poor self-image that led to emotional eating, and I was a chubby kid. I wore big T-shirts and jeans, looked super frumpy all the time, and basically accepted my lot as the ugly girl. In college my weight fluctuated as did my self-image, as I worked nights, lived off of 4 hours of sleep a day, and went through two destructive relationships. Upon entering the real world, I got a job at a desk, promptly got a high-stress promotion, and a year later I reached two hundred pounds, which put me in the obese category.
Somehow between hitting that 200 mark and going through a really tough emotional period, I realized that I had to do something to take care of myself. I was unhealthy, unhappy, and not valuing myself as a child of God. It took a time of spiritual crisis to make me realize that not taking care of myself physically was a symptom of how I viewed my worth. I didn't think I was lovable or attractive as a person, so what would it matter if I was physically attractive? No one was going to want me either way.
This was a lie I had told myself for a long time, and it took a lot to recognize it as a lie and then start living differently, living in the truth. Going to the gym became just one part of the changed life that I started to live. But it was an important part. It meant that I accepted that it was worth it for me to care what I looked like and how I felt physically. And the changes I made led to not only a fifty pound reduction in my weight, but an unmeasurable increase in my self-image.
It took a few years, but God has finally started to get it through my head that He wants me, no matter what anyone else says. And there are people who want me, who value me, who think I am lovable the way that God made me. So I should take care of my entire person-body, mind, and soul, because God values my entire person. And that means I'm back on the gym-wagon, refusing that extra piece of chocolate cake, and making sure I get some good sleep in the middle of my crazy holiday schedule.
In an attempt to combat the never-ending flow of sweets, today I switched my gym membership. With the job change, my previous location was no longer very convenient, and I don't need any more excuses to skip out on exercise. I'm tired, I'm busy, I forgot my water bottle or my iPod, I really just hate being on the elliptical machine for extended periods of time. So much easier to just get on the bus and head home. Oh, and don't even talk to me about getting up early to work out. It is dark and cold, and I am lucky if I make it to work on time.
So I forced myself to make the switch and go work out today. I was gifted with a free workout with a trainer (aka marketing opportunity) so I let her put me through my paces. Boy are my hamstrings going to hate me tomorrow.
I've never been much of an athlete. I was always clumsy as a kid, tripping over my pigeon-toed feet and getting tired out easily. I wasn't flexible or graceful, and I still have never been able to do a real cartwheel. The best I ever did in athletics was in high school when I had a paper route. I would ride my bike up and down hills for an hour every day, which was enough to get me out of PE class, and that made me very happy. I never did recover from PE in 6th grade, when the entire class had to do pushups whenever someone failed to get the ball over the net in volleyball. Guess who caused many, many pushups to be doled out upon an unhappy class?
Combine my lack of athleticism with a generally poor self-image that led to emotional eating, and I was a chubby kid. I wore big T-shirts and jeans, looked super frumpy all the time, and basically accepted my lot as the ugly girl. In college my weight fluctuated as did my self-image, as I worked nights, lived off of 4 hours of sleep a day, and went through two destructive relationships. Upon entering the real world, I got a job at a desk, promptly got a high-stress promotion, and a year later I reached two hundred pounds, which put me in the obese category.
Somehow between hitting that 200 mark and going through a really tough emotional period, I realized that I had to do something to take care of myself. I was unhealthy, unhappy, and not valuing myself as a child of God. It took a time of spiritual crisis to make me realize that not taking care of myself physically was a symptom of how I viewed my worth. I didn't think I was lovable or attractive as a person, so what would it matter if I was physically attractive? No one was going to want me either way.
This was a lie I had told myself for a long time, and it took a lot to recognize it as a lie and then start living differently, living in the truth. Going to the gym became just one part of the changed life that I started to live. But it was an important part. It meant that I accepted that it was worth it for me to care what I looked like and how I felt physically. And the changes I made led to not only a fifty pound reduction in my weight, but an unmeasurable increase in my self-image.
It took a few years, but God has finally started to get it through my head that He wants me, no matter what anyone else says. And there are people who want me, who value me, who think I am lovable the way that God made me. So I should take care of my entire person-body, mind, and soul, because God values my entire person. And that means I'm back on the gym-wagon, refusing that extra piece of chocolate cake, and making sure I get some good sleep in the middle of my crazy holiday schedule.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Interpretation
I have such writer's block right now. I have a post dated Oct 28th that I still haven't published because I can't seem to get my thoughts in order, can't seem to get the flow right. Sigh...it's all this studying for these darn securities exams. Sucking the intellectual life right out of me...
I actually find myself reading the money and business sections of newspapers now. What is that about? I was never a big newspaper reader, even having worked in newspaper circulation for seven years. Front page, comics, maybe the movie reviews or something like that. Analyzing market trends and financial reports has never been my thing. I suppose I should care what's happening in the world, but I find I can never trust journalists. Nothing is without a slant, a worldview, a slightly skewed perspective.
Skewed perspectives...I have enough problems with those. Lately I've been trying to learn not to attempt interpretation of the words and actions of others. I invariably find myself horribly wrong and terribly disappointed. I may wear my emotions on my shirt sleeves a lot, but other people can be so unreadable, so easy to misunderstand. A look, a word, a touch...no, that didn't mean a thing. Not a thing.
My mother always says that no matter your intentions, you have to think about how other people will interpret your actions. You can't simply act without thinking about the effect that you will have on the people you interact with. It is important to guard your own heart, but also to guard the hearts of others. I think my mom is right. We could all learn to be more considerate of others' reactions to our words and deeds.
All that to say, I'm going to try to not interpret things. In financial planning, if someone doesn't fully explain their financial situation, you have to assume that the customer has no other resources, nothing but what they tell you. You can't guess, intuit, assume, conjure up something other than the plain facts that they disclose. I think I need to do that with people. Not make up their backstories, but simply wait for the truth to be told. I need to invite disclosure, not create a person from a perception. My mind wants to be constantly analyzing and planning for possibilities, but I need to just accept what is and let God deal with the rest. It is a continual struggle for me, but maybe in a decade or two, it will get easier.
Back to studying now, and maybe one of these days I will finish that other blog post. Maybe not. I've got to move on. In more ways than one.
I actually find myself reading the money and business sections of newspapers now. What is that about? I was never a big newspaper reader, even having worked in newspaper circulation for seven years. Front page, comics, maybe the movie reviews or something like that. Analyzing market trends and financial reports has never been my thing. I suppose I should care what's happening in the world, but I find I can never trust journalists. Nothing is without a slant, a worldview, a slightly skewed perspective.
Skewed perspectives...I have enough problems with those. Lately I've been trying to learn not to attempt interpretation of the words and actions of others. I invariably find myself horribly wrong and terribly disappointed. I may wear my emotions on my shirt sleeves a lot, but other people can be so unreadable, so easy to misunderstand. A look, a word, a touch...no, that didn't mean a thing. Not a thing.
My mother always says that no matter your intentions, you have to think about how other people will interpret your actions. You can't simply act without thinking about the effect that you will have on the people you interact with. It is important to guard your own heart, but also to guard the hearts of others. I think my mom is right. We could all learn to be more considerate of others' reactions to our words and deeds.
All that to say, I'm going to try to not interpret things. In financial planning, if someone doesn't fully explain their financial situation, you have to assume that the customer has no other resources, nothing but what they tell you. You can't guess, intuit, assume, conjure up something other than the plain facts that they disclose. I think I need to do that with people. Not make up their backstories, but simply wait for the truth to be told. I need to invite disclosure, not create a person from a perception. My mind wants to be constantly analyzing and planning for possibilities, but I need to just accept what is and let God deal with the rest. It is a continual struggle for me, but maybe in a decade or two, it will get easier.
Back to studying now, and maybe one of these days I will finish that other blog post. Maybe not. I've got to move on. In more ways than one.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Further Adventures at Large Unnamed Banking Institution (LUBI)
Yesterday was my last day as the Customer Service Manager for the Pioneer Square branch of LUBI. My leaving the branch came as a shock to quite a few people, including myself. But in reflecting over how I got to this point, I suppose it's not really that surprising.
Now, don't get worried. I am not wandering the abyss of unemployment just yet. I was actually offered another position in another department of LUBI. So Monday I begin my life as a sales assistant in our investments and insurance division, doing operations for a financial advisor who serves the wealth management group. I'll have an opportunity to get my full set of investment and insurance licenses and learn a whole new side of the banking industry. And there's a whole set of other benefits to the job, mainly the fact that I will no longer have to work 50 hours and get paid for 40. Long description made short: I went from being a manager to being an assistant, and I'm making more money. How's that for a smart career move?
This position isn't something I sought out. I didn't even know it existed until the aforementioned financial advisor called me up and asked me to apply. While I have always had an interest in investments, I had not planned on leaving branch land for some time (unless, of course, some wealthy, handsome, young Christian man of good moral character swept me off my feet and told me I could do volunteer work for the rest of my life). I had an idea of where I would go next, what my next job would be, all of that. I felt that this would be my last year as a CSM, but thought I knew where I was going.
Wrong!
This reminds me of when I was in college. I had life all figured out: I was studying to be a teacher and I was not going to be one of those kids who didn't ever use their degree. I knew who I was going to marry and how many kids we were going to have and what I wanted to name them. Where I would work, how long I would work before I would have kids, when I would go back to work after the kids were in school, you name it. All planned, in a nice neat package.
And, you guessed it, I was wrong!
See, God has this funny way of changing things on me. You may remember from my birthday post how my life now is not at all what I had planned. I guess God got a laugh out of reading that one and decided to mix things up again. Just a few weeks later and my life is in major transition. Always keeping me on my toes, that guy.
One of these years I am going to write a book, the title of which shall be: Dear Lord, My Lap is Sore From All the Things You've Dropped In It. In this book I shall remind the reader that when opportunities come our way, we have to prayerfully consider them, and then throw caution and perfectly laid plans to the wind and go for it. Too often we are so protective of our own comfort zone to see the possibilities out there. I hate the stress of change as much as the next control freak, but I have learned that relaxing and letting God lead makes you a much happier person. Yesterday, even in the midst of all the last-day emotions, I felt such a deep peace about my decision. I am so grateful that God has blessed me with another opportunity to learn to trust His plan instead of mine and I'm excited to see what the next few months and years have in store.
Now, don't get worried. I am not wandering the abyss of unemployment just yet. I was actually offered another position in another department of LUBI. So Monday I begin my life as a sales assistant in our investments and insurance division, doing operations for a financial advisor who serves the wealth management group. I'll have an opportunity to get my full set of investment and insurance licenses and learn a whole new side of the banking industry. And there's a whole set of other benefits to the job, mainly the fact that I will no longer have to work 50 hours and get paid for 40. Long description made short: I went from being a manager to being an assistant, and I'm making more money. How's that for a smart career move?
This position isn't something I sought out. I didn't even know it existed until the aforementioned financial advisor called me up and asked me to apply. While I have always had an interest in investments, I had not planned on leaving branch land for some time (unless, of course, some wealthy, handsome, young Christian man of good moral character swept me off my feet and told me I could do volunteer work for the rest of my life). I had an idea of where I would go next, what my next job would be, all of that. I felt that this would be my last year as a CSM, but thought I knew where I was going.
Wrong!
This reminds me of when I was in college. I had life all figured out: I was studying to be a teacher and I was not going to be one of those kids who didn't ever use their degree. I knew who I was going to marry and how many kids we were going to have and what I wanted to name them. Where I would work, how long I would work before I would have kids, when I would go back to work after the kids were in school, you name it. All planned, in a nice neat package.
And, you guessed it, I was wrong!
See, God has this funny way of changing things on me. You may remember from my birthday post how my life now is not at all what I had planned. I guess God got a laugh out of reading that one and decided to mix things up again. Just a few weeks later and my life is in major transition. Always keeping me on my toes, that guy.
One of these years I am going to write a book, the title of which shall be: Dear Lord, My Lap is Sore From All the Things You've Dropped In It. In this book I shall remind the reader that when opportunities come our way, we have to prayerfully consider them, and then throw caution and perfectly laid plans to the wind and go for it. Too often we are so protective of our own comfort zone to see the possibilities out there. I hate the stress of change as much as the next control freak, but I have learned that relaxing and letting God lead makes you a much happier person. Yesterday, even in the midst of all the last-day emotions, I felt such a deep peace about my decision. I am so grateful that God has blessed me with another opportunity to learn to trust His plan instead of mine and I'm excited to see what the next few months and years have in store.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
25 cents worth of experience
Well, today is my 25th birthday. I have to say, first of all, that where I am and who I am at this particular part of my life isn't at all what I expected. That being said, I have to say that where I am and who I am is better than I could have imagined.
Now, don't think I am tooting my own horn. (You know, I don't think I have ever actually typed "tooting" before.) The only reason I like where I am is because God has brought me here. And I only like who I am because I have begun, ever so slightly, to look at myself through God's eyes. If it weren't for Him, I suppose I'd be rather unhappy.
If you had asked me ten years ago what I thought my life would look like at 25, I could have told you easily: married, maybe 2 kids, teaching part time, living in a little house in Kent, the quaint suburban mom lifestyle. I would be going to the same church I grew up in, leading the preschoolers in worship every Sunday, ready to live out my life exactly the same way forever.
If you know me at all, that is not who I am. I am single, with a career in banking (of all things), active in a semi-emergent, slightly-liberal church up in Seattle (where the entire rest of my family does not go), partying until midnight at least once a week. Not what I had envisioned.
But I love it.
There is a quote I love from St. Augustine's Confessions, that I always remember when things end up differently than I had imagined: "You did not give her what she was then asking, so You could give her what she was always asking." God knows the desires of our hearts better than we do, and sometimes He gives us exactly what we need, even when we didn't know we needed it. Having this life of the single young professional has been good for me, and the opportunities I have had to serve at Quest, in my job, and at home with my family have been invaluable. I don't think I have ever had this many friends (as evidenced by the crowd that showed up at my birthday party) but not only do I have the quantity, I have the quality. These aren't just acquaintances, these are truly meaningful friendships that have added so much life to my life.
Maybe in another ten years I will have the life of wife, mother, volunteer. Maybe not. Maybe God has more for me to learn, to experience, before I start that part of my journey. I've learned to be open to what He gives me. To enjoy every day for what it is, and leave what could be to God. It's a lot of fun.
Now, don't think I am tooting my own horn. (You know, I don't think I have ever actually typed "tooting" before.) The only reason I like where I am is because God has brought me here. And I only like who I am because I have begun, ever so slightly, to look at myself through God's eyes. If it weren't for Him, I suppose I'd be rather unhappy.
If you had asked me ten years ago what I thought my life would look like at 25, I could have told you easily: married, maybe 2 kids, teaching part time, living in a little house in Kent, the quaint suburban mom lifestyle. I would be going to the same church I grew up in, leading the preschoolers in worship every Sunday, ready to live out my life exactly the same way forever.
If you know me at all, that is not who I am. I am single, with a career in banking (of all things), active in a semi-emergent, slightly-liberal church up in Seattle (where the entire rest of my family does not go), partying until midnight at least once a week. Not what I had envisioned.
But I love it.
There is a quote I love from St. Augustine's Confessions, that I always remember when things end up differently than I had imagined: "You did not give her what she was then asking, so You could give her what she was always asking." God knows the desires of our hearts better than we do, and sometimes He gives us exactly what we need, even when we didn't know we needed it. Having this life of the single young professional has been good for me, and the opportunities I have had to serve at Quest, in my job, and at home with my family have been invaluable. I don't think I have ever had this many friends (as evidenced by the crowd that showed up at my birthday party) but not only do I have the quantity, I have the quality. These aren't just acquaintances, these are truly meaningful friendships that have added so much life to my life.
Maybe in another ten years I will have the life of wife, mother, volunteer. Maybe not. Maybe God has more for me to learn, to experience, before I start that part of my journey. I've learned to be open to what He gives me. To enjoy every day for what it is, and leave what could be to God. It's a lot of fun.
Some evidence of the fun at the party:
Monday, July 09, 2007
Sometimes, you have to stay home from church
Today was a good day. Usually Mondays are pretty crazy, especially working in a bank. And since I rarely have quiet weekends these days, I start Monday morning already exhausted. Today I didn't have to be at work until 10am, and I didn't have to show up at my branch. I've been asked to be part of a new leadership team at work, so I had a meeting at my district manager's office. I am really excited about the opportunity--what I will learn, what I will be able to teach, and where this will take me in my banking career at the Large Unnamed Banking Institution.
After the meeting I was given the opportunity to do a presentation at New Employee Orientation for my region. This was a surprising honor, since usually they only ask district managers and experienced branch managers to talk to the fresh blood. I think I am the first Customer Service Manager to ever do this presentation. And since it only takes a couple of hours, I got off before 3pm and headed home in the sunshine. Nice.
So, a short day full of good things. Lately a lot of good things have been happening at work, even though it has been insanely busy. Life in general has been insanely busy. I've been going, going, going, all day, every day. I figured out that I haven't had a free day in two months, basically since I got back from vacation.
This is why last Sunday I stayed home from church. Now, this is very unlike me. I don't think I've missed church since I chose to stay at Quest. But for one day I just needed to sit, at home in my pajamas, with nothing to do but play on the computer, watch TV, tickle my brothers, and chat with my parents. And unfortunately, that particular Sunday was the only foreseeable day in the near future not already booked.
The things I am doing are good things. Church functions, C group parties, family get-togethers, work opportunities. I'd hate to have to give any of it up. At the moment, I don't think I have to, as long as I make some space for a bit of rest and quiet time. It's just that sometimes I get going and it's weeks or months before I realize that I haven't stopped to breathe for days. I suppose I am learning to be more self-aware, to overcome my natural workaholic tendencies while still embracing who I am.
I wasn't at church this weekend either, but for a different reason: I was having services on a beach at Deception Pass with a C group from Quest. While not an official sermon, our Scripture reading and time of worship and meditation were great. It was a fun weekend, and while I am a little tired and sunburnt, I don't regret jumping right back into a busy schedule. It was definitely worth it.
So much good stuff is going on, including my 25th birthday in less than two weeks. So I don't think my calendar will open up too much the next few months, but I am going to try to make some space in it for rest, so I don't have to keep skipping church. ;)
Today was a good day. Usually Mondays are pretty crazy, especially working in a bank. And since I rarely have quiet weekends these days, I start Monday morning already exhausted. Today I didn't have to be at work until 10am, and I didn't have to show up at my branch. I've been asked to be part of a new leadership team at work, so I had a meeting at my district manager's office. I am really excited about the opportunity--what I will learn, what I will be able to teach, and where this will take me in my banking career at the Large Unnamed Banking Institution.
After the meeting I was given the opportunity to do a presentation at New Employee Orientation for my region. This was a surprising honor, since usually they only ask district managers and experienced branch managers to talk to the fresh blood. I think I am the first Customer Service Manager to ever do this presentation. And since it only takes a couple of hours, I got off before 3pm and headed home in the sunshine. Nice.
So, a short day full of good things. Lately a lot of good things have been happening at work, even though it has been insanely busy. Life in general has been insanely busy. I've been going, going, going, all day, every day. I figured out that I haven't had a free day in two months, basically since I got back from vacation.
This is why last Sunday I stayed home from church. Now, this is very unlike me. I don't think I've missed church since I chose to stay at Quest. But for one day I just needed to sit, at home in my pajamas, with nothing to do but play on the computer, watch TV, tickle my brothers, and chat with my parents. And unfortunately, that particular Sunday was the only foreseeable day in the near future not already booked.
The things I am doing are good things. Church functions, C group parties, family get-togethers, work opportunities. I'd hate to have to give any of it up. At the moment, I don't think I have to, as long as I make some space for a bit of rest and quiet time. It's just that sometimes I get going and it's weeks or months before I realize that I haven't stopped to breathe for days. I suppose I am learning to be more self-aware, to overcome my natural workaholic tendencies while still embracing who I am.
I wasn't at church this weekend either, but for a different reason: I was having services on a beach at Deception Pass with a C group from Quest. While not an official sermon, our Scripture reading and time of worship and meditation were great. It was a fun weekend, and while I am a little tired and sunburnt, I don't regret jumping right back into a busy schedule. It was definitely worth it.
So much good stuff is going on, including my 25th birthday in less than two weeks. So I don't think my calendar will open up too much the next few months, but I am going to try to make some space in it for rest, so I don't have to keep skipping church. ;)
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Faceless
What if you and I were
Faceless
You couldn't know me
By my eyes, nose, curls,
The color of my skin
If you had to ask
To know
My ancestors were here
For years before
My other ancestors came
Conquered
Loved
If I had to smile
With words
My eyes not enough
To tell you
"I love you" or
"You hurt me"
What would you think
Of me
If only my voice
Singing
(as I always am)
Were the only thing
You knew me by.
What would I think
Of you?
What if you and I were
Faceless
You couldn't know me
By my eyes, nose, curls,
The color of my skin
If you had to ask
To know
My ancestors were here
For years before
My other ancestors came
Conquered
Loved
If I had to smile
With words
My eyes not enough
To tell you
"I love you" or
"You hurt me"
What would you think
Of me
If only my voice
Singing
(as I always am)
Were the only thing
You knew me by.
What would I think
Of you?
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Home Alone
I used to think I was an introvert. I tended to bottle up emotions, was a bit of a loner at school, never had big parties or got asked out. (I still never get asked out, although I am pretty sure this guy was hitting on me last night at Century Ballroom.) Anyway, I have found the last few years as God has worked some healing in my heart that I am actually an extrovert. In my natural state, I wear my emotions on my shirtsleeve, love to talk with people, and have fun at parties (as long as I don't have an anxiety attack!).
That being said, I am finding solitude is not my favorite situation. Perhaps this is why I live at home with my grandma, parents, four brothers, and the dog. While this can lead to a lot of craziness, it's actually a ton of fun. There is always someone to talk to, and when I come home, there are people to welcome me. But this week my entire family has taken off to visit relatives in Iowa, leaving me here with the dog. The dog is insane, but she doesn't yet talk to me, so I'm pretty much alone.
This same trip happened a few years ago, but that was under very different circumstances. I was in college, working nights, taking summer classes, and generally overworked and underslept. I was also in a rather depressed time of life, so coming home to an empty house every day and immediately curling up in a bed seemed perfectly natural. Nowadays, the empty house is still depressing, but I no longer wish to live in that permanent fetal position.
So I'm happy that my dad is flying back on Tuesday, and that I have plans with friends the next few days until then. And I will be ecstatic when the family comes home. Yes, it will bother me when I can't find a quiet place to have a conversation on the phone because my brothers are running around killing each other with lightsabers. And I will still roll my eyes when my mom talks about how I am never home enough and need to come help in the garden. But I will be ever so grateful for my family, for a house full of love and excitement.
I used to think I was an introvert. I tended to bottle up emotions, was a bit of a loner at school, never had big parties or got asked out. (I still never get asked out, although I am pretty sure this guy was hitting on me last night at Century Ballroom.) Anyway, I have found the last few years as God has worked some healing in my heart that I am actually an extrovert. In my natural state, I wear my emotions on my shirtsleeve, love to talk with people, and have fun at parties (as long as I don't have an anxiety attack!).
That being said, I am finding solitude is not my favorite situation. Perhaps this is why I live at home with my grandma, parents, four brothers, and the dog. While this can lead to a lot of craziness, it's actually a ton of fun. There is always someone to talk to, and when I come home, there are people to welcome me. But this week my entire family has taken off to visit relatives in Iowa, leaving me here with the dog. The dog is insane, but she doesn't yet talk to me, so I'm pretty much alone.
This same trip happened a few years ago, but that was under very different circumstances. I was in college, working nights, taking summer classes, and generally overworked and underslept. I was also in a rather depressed time of life, so coming home to an empty house every day and immediately curling up in a bed seemed perfectly natural. Nowadays, the empty house is still depressing, but I no longer wish to live in that permanent fetal position.
So I'm happy that my dad is flying back on Tuesday, and that I have plans with friends the next few days until then. And I will be ecstatic when the family comes home. Yes, it will bother me when I can't find a quiet place to have a conversation on the phone because my brothers are running around killing each other with lightsabers. And I will still roll my eyes when my mom talks about how I am never home enough and need to come help in the garden. But I will be ever so grateful for my family, for a house full of love and excitement.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The mental energy required to even consider all of these things...
Well, I haven't blogged in a while. I had a good thing going there, blogging every two to three weeks, which in my crazy schedule is pretty consistent. I was blogging on life, community groups, sermons. I even got a couple of comments (so I know that at least two or more people read my blog). Yeah, good stuff.
But I have been absent from the blogging world these past few weeks. And looking at my life over the past month, one can understand why I haven't taken the time to sit at the computer and type:
~Right before my vacation, I was actually helping run four branches at LUBI. Yeah, four. Because apparently my branch is the only one in the area that can hire, train, and retain staff. Okay, I shouldn't be so hard on them, they've been through some hard times, I know. But come on.
~Then I went on vacation, which was glorious. Laid by the pool, took walks on the beach with my best friend, stayed up late drinking wine and watching Wonderfalls (Tenae is always getting me hooked on these great shows that only ran for a season or two). I was way too relaxed to even think about jumping on a computer and typing away.
~Came back from vacation and found out that I still had to help run those other branches, sending staff away and training new staff at my branch. I love the training part of my job, but it is a lot of work, and I was coming home kind of exhausted. That, and I am getting ready for an audit, which anyone who knows me knows is a cause of major stress and worry and panic.
~Got ROBBED at LUBI. Can't share any details, cuz the FBI is on the case, but understandably a traumatizing experience. This was only my second robbery, and the last one happened while I was in the bathroom. Not this one. This was right in front of me. Experienced the longest split-second of my life. Kind of an emotional basketcase for the rest of the week.
~Same day as the "incident" (that's official LUBI jargon for traumatizing robbery) we received the diagnosis for my grandma's anemia and weakness. She has something called MDS, myo-dysplastic something or other. Basically, it leads to leukemia. So, she has to have chemo-like drugs and blood transfusions and who knows what else to try to keep her cells from developing cancer. Cancer is not a word I have ever had to deal with in my family. Alzheimer's, heart disease, diabetes, stroke, all that good stuff. But never cancer.
So my emotional and mental energy has been a little low lately. And now my family is off to Iowa for three weeks to visit the relatives, which leaves me here with the dog (my dad didn't leave right away with the rest because of work, so I have had a few good days of father-daughter time, which has been a huge blessing, but he leaves this week). I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing-I'm kind of an external processor, and it is beneficial for me to come home and have people to talk to, especially my mom, who lets me blabber on about my work stress and then always has a rational-yet-comforting comment. At the same time, maybe I need some quiet, some time with just me and God, a space where I can't hide behind words but have to be real about how I am feeling. Because God knows, knows better than anyone how I am really feeling. Lately I haven't even had the mental energy to figure that out.
Most of my blogs have some good closing paragraph, some well-crafted concluding sentence that makes a point or makes you think (I hope). That's me trying to be a good writer, I suppose. But today, I have no conclusions, no perspective, no deep, profound pontification. Just me, laid open at God's feet.
Well, I haven't blogged in a while. I had a good thing going there, blogging every two to three weeks, which in my crazy schedule is pretty consistent. I was blogging on life, community groups, sermons. I even got a couple of comments (so I know that at least two or more people read my blog). Yeah, good stuff.
But I have been absent from the blogging world these past few weeks. And looking at my life over the past month, one can understand why I haven't taken the time to sit at the computer and type:
~Right before my vacation, I was actually helping run four branches at LUBI. Yeah, four. Because apparently my branch is the only one in the area that can hire, train, and retain staff. Okay, I shouldn't be so hard on them, they've been through some hard times, I know. But come on.
~Then I went on vacation, which was glorious. Laid by the pool, took walks on the beach with my best friend, stayed up late drinking wine and watching Wonderfalls (Tenae is always getting me hooked on these great shows that only ran for a season or two). I was way too relaxed to even think about jumping on a computer and typing away.
~Came back from vacation and found out that I still had to help run those other branches, sending staff away and training new staff at my branch. I love the training part of my job, but it is a lot of work, and I was coming home kind of exhausted. That, and I am getting ready for an audit, which anyone who knows me knows is a cause of major stress and worry and panic.
~Got ROBBED at LUBI. Can't share any details, cuz the FBI is on the case, but understandably a traumatizing experience. This was only my second robbery, and the last one happened while I was in the bathroom. Not this one. This was right in front of me. Experienced the longest split-second of my life. Kind of an emotional basketcase for the rest of the week.
~Same day as the "incident" (that's official LUBI jargon for traumatizing robbery) we received the diagnosis for my grandma's anemia and weakness. She has something called MDS, myo-dysplastic something or other. Basically, it leads to leukemia. So, she has to have chemo-like drugs and blood transfusions and who knows what else to try to keep her cells from developing cancer. Cancer is not a word I have ever had to deal with in my family. Alzheimer's, heart disease, diabetes, stroke, all that good stuff. But never cancer.
So my emotional and mental energy has been a little low lately. And now my family is off to Iowa for three weeks to visit the relatives, which leaves me here with the dog (my dad didn't leave right away with the rest because of work, so I have had a few good days of father-daughter time, which has been a huge blessing, but he leaves this week). I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing-I'm kind of an external processor, and it is beneficial for me to come home and have people to talk to, especially my mom, who lets me blabber on about my work stress and then always has a rational-yet-comforting comment. At the same time, maybe I need some quiet, some time with just me and God, a space where I can't hide behind words but have to be real about how I am feeling. Because God knows, knows better than anyone how I am really feeling. Lately I haven't even had the mental energy to figure that out.
Most of my blogs have some good closing paragraph, some well-crafted concluding sentence that makes a point or makes you think (I hope). That's me trying to be a good writer, I suppose. But today, I have no conclusions, no perspective, no deep, profound pontification. Just me, laid open at God's feet.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Why we pray in C group
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. Matthew 18:20
It's no secret that we're big on community groups at Quest. The thriving small groups at Quest were one of the reasons I was so eager to join the church. Last year, I was mildly infamous for attending two C groups faithfully (it can be done, although I was a little less busy with other responsibilities in those days). Some of my best friends have come from those two groups, friendships that might never have come about without the weekly time of fellowship.
C groups are more than just fellowship, though. They are about learning and discussion, tough debates and 'aha' moments. It's not always comfortable, and it can be challenging to be vulnerable, to be open to other people's ideas, needs, hangups. In the Renovare group, we read things that we don't agree with, or that half of us agree with and the other half vehemently opposes. Some of our best nights have been the hardest, when we wrestled with deep, complicated topics like the nature of sin and what it means to live as a new creation.
Perhaps the most important part of C group, however, is prayer. We talked alot about making prayer a priority at the beginning of the season, and have tried to structure our meetings to make space for sharing requests and praying for each other, either in a large group or individually. We're not always consistent though, and sometimes prayer is an afterthought.
But last night was a different story. After our big Passover project we felt like taking a rest, so we decided to devote the entire night to fellowship and prayer. Jeff pulled out his Celtic Book of Prayer and took us through some directed prayer time. He would read a prayer, and then we would pray on the topic of that prayer with a partner or in a small group. We prayed for almost two solid hours.
It was incredible.
Now, I've never been really strong in my prayer life. Honestly, it is a real struggle for me to sit and pray for more than a few minutes. My mind wanders, I get restless. I more easily experience God in worship (side note: Worship on Easter Sunday was awesome). Meditation and contemplation and seven storey mountains have never been my strong suit. But last night's prayer time was intensely wonderful. The presence of God was palpable in the room.
There is something spiritually powerful in the prayer of a group of believers. Perhaps this is why Christianity is not an individual sport. While times of solitude can be necessary, and a beneficial discipline during seasons of one's life, God has said from the beginning that it is not good for us to be alone. But being in community goes far beyond sitting quietly next to each other at Sunday service. When we pray with and for each other we make space for God to move in mighty ways. We strengthen our respective faith in God's power by speaking words of hope and confidence; we bring comfort by praying over a difficult season of stress or grief. Another Christian's experiences and discoveries with Jesus can give an entirely new perspective on the issues we are facing. It is simply impossible to pray for yourself what another person can pray for you.
I felt so refreshed after that prayer time. Even today, which was not the easiest of days (my computer decided it didn't want to work anymore, which made me rather less effective in my job) I was reminded of the prayers that were said for me, and they helped me work past my frustrations. My circumstances are not significantly different than they were yesterday, but the comfort and confidence I gained from praying with my C group has given me the spiritual and emotional strength to tackle whatever comes. And I know that continued faithfulness to prayer will lead to lasting changes in my circumstances, as God works in situations in my life and the lives of those around me.
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. Matthew 18:20
It's no secret that we're big on community groups at Quest. The thriving small groups at Quest were one of the reasons I was so eager to join the church. Last year, I was mildly infamous for attending two C groups faithfully (it can be done, although I was a little less busy with other responsibilities in those days). Some of my best friends have come from those two groups, friendships that might never have come about without the weekly time of fellowship.
C groups are more than just fellowship, though. They are about learning and discussion, tough debates and 'aha' moments. It's not always comfortable, and it can be challenging to be vulnerable, to be open to other people's ideas, needs, hangups. In the Renovare group, we read things that we don't agree with, or that half of us agree with and the other half vehemently opposes. Some of our best nights have been the hardest, when we wrestled with deep, complicated topics like the nature of sin and what it means to live as a new creation.
Perhaps the most important part of C group, however, is prayer. We talked alot about making prayer a priority at the beginning of the season, and have tried to structure our meetings to make space for sharing requests and praying for each other, either in a large group or individually. We're not always consistent though, and sometimes prayer is an afterthought.
But last night was a different story. After our big Passover project we felt like taking a rest, so we decided to devote the entire night to fellowship and prayer. Jeff pulled out his Celtic Book of Prayer and took us through some directed prayer time. He would read a prayer, and then we would pray on the topic of that prayer with a partner or in a small group. We prayed for almost two solid hours.
It was incredible.
Now, I've never been really strong in my prayer life. Honestly, it is a real struggle for me to sit and pray for more than a few minutes. My mind wanders, I get restless. I more easily experience God in worship (side note: Worship on Easter Sunday was awesome). Meditation and contemplation and seven storey mountains have never been my strong suit. But last night's prayer time was intensely wonderful. The presence of God was palpable in the room.
There is something spiritually powerful in the prayer of a group of believers. Perhaps this is why Christianity is not an individual sport. While times of solitude can be necessary, and a beneficial discipline during seasons of one's life, God has said from the beginning that it is not good for us to be alone. But being in community goes far beyond sitting quietly next to each other at Sunday service. When we pray with and for each other we make space for God to move in mighty ways. We strengthen our respective faith in God's power by speaking words of hope and confidence; we bring comfort by praying over a difficult season of stress or grief. Another Christian's experiences and discoveries with Jesus can give an entirely new perspective on the issues we are facing. It is simply impossible to pray for yourself what another person can pray for you.
I felt so refreshed after that prayer time. Even today, which was not the easiest of days (my computer decided it didn't want to work anymore, which made me rather less effective in my job) I was reminded of the prayers that were said for me, and they helped me work past my frustrations. My circumstances are not significantly different than they were yesterday, but the comfort and confidence I gained from praying with my C group has given me the spiritual and emotional strength to tackle whatever comes. And I know that continued faithfulness to prayer will lead to lasting changes in my circumstances, as God works in situations in my life and the lives of those around me.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Passover
One of my favorite clients is a lawyer of Jewish heritage. Last year about this time I was helping him with his accounts and the subject of Passover came up. (Incidentally, it is interesting how my faith comes into conversations at the LUBI. In general, I have to keep pretty quiet about it so as not to seem like I am proselytizing the clients, but opportunities still arise, and sometimes clients ask me outright about my faith.) My client was surprised that I was celebrating Passover even though I am not Jewish. I explained to him that the Jewish heritage is my heritage, as I am part of Christ's family, and He was Jewish. Since He celebrated Passover with his disciples, I figure celebrating with my fellow Christians is simply part of being in God's family.
Many churches over the years have incorporated a Passover meal into their Maundy Thursday celebration. But Passover is about more than just reenacting Jesus' last few days on earth. In following the Haggadah, the telling, we are recalling the prophetic nature of the original Passover, and celebrating how Jesus' life and death so completely fulfill those prophecies. We repeat the same prayers and read the same Scriptures that Hebrews have prayed for centuries, but with the knowledge that Christ has come to fulfill the hope inherent in the Seder. For a Christian, Passover is a worship service, an opportunity to praise God for his deliverance, both for the Israelites and for us as well.
Symbolism is dominant in Passover, both in the words of the Haggadah as well as the elements of the Seder plate. The greatest symbol is perhaps the matzah itself, the dominant element in the service. This unleavened bread (and leaven represents sin) is striped, pierced, and during the service, broken, hidden, found, and eaten. It is this found matzah (called the afikomen) that Christ uses for communion (the wine of communion is also an integral part of the Seder). He tells His disciples that He is this bread, the bread of life, and as we look back at the history of Good Friday and Easter, we see that the whole of Christ's redemptive work is symbolized by this broken piece of flatbread. And as my friend Jeff reminds us, the Hebrew word for bread is also the Hebrew word for life.
It was a privilege to again celebrate Passover with my community group, and I'm grateful to Jeff for teaching on the meaning of Passover during the weeks leading up to our Seder. We are hopeful that next year we will be able to lead the entire church in celebrating the Seder on Maundy Thursday, perhaps with a depth class for the preceding weeks to help celebrants realize the depth of meaning in the elements of the Haggadah. Passover is an amazing experience for a follower of Christ, a chance to see the Eucharist not merely as a Christian sacrament, but in the perspective of God's redemptive plan through the Hebrew people. Studying and celebrating Passover has better informed my faith in Christ, and reminded me that God was seeking my redemption and the redemption of all people long before He sent His Son to this earth.
As I reflect on Christ's redemptive work on Good Friday and Easter, I am grateful for the chance to add the truths of Passover to those reflections.
Many churches over the years have incorporated a Passover meal into their Maundy Thursday celebration. But Passover is about more than just reenacting Jesus' last few days on earth. In following the Haggadah, the telling, we are recalling the prophetic nature of the original Passover, and celebrating how Jesus' life and death so completely fulfill those prophecies. We repeat the same prayers and read the same Scriptures that Hebrews have prayed for centuries, but with the knowledge that Christ has come to fulfill the hope inherent in the Seder. For a Christian, Passover is a worship service, an opportunity to praise God for his deliverance, both for the Israelites and for us as well.
Symbolism is dominant in Passover, both in the words of the Haggadah as well as the elements of the Seder plate. The greatest symbol is perhaps the matzah itself, the dominant element in the service. This unleavened bread (and leaven represents sin) is striped, pierced, and during the service, broken, hidden, found, and eaten. It is this found matzah (called the afikomen) that Christ uses for communion (the wine of communion is also an integral part of the Seder). He tells His disciples that He is this bread, the bread of life, and as we look back at the history of Good Friday and Easter, we see that the whole of Christ's redemptive work is symbolized by this broken piece of flatbread. And as my friend Jeff reminds us, the Hebrew word for bread is also the Hebrew word for life.
It was a privilege to again celebrate Passover with my community group, and I'm grateful to Jeff for teaching on the meaning of Passover during the weeks leading up to our Seder. We are hopeful that next year we will be able to lead the entire church in celebrating the Seder on Maundy Thursday, perhaps with a depth class for the preceding weeks to help celebrants realize the depth of meaning in the elements of the Haggadah. Passover is an amazing experience for a follower of Christ, a chance to see the Eucharist not merely as a Christian sacrament, but in the perspective of God's redemptive plan through the Hebrew people. Studying and celebrating Passover has better informed my faith in Christ, and reminded me that God was seeking my redemption and the redemption of all people long before He sent His Son to this earth.
As I reflect on Christ's redemptive work on Good Friday and Easter, I am grateful for the chance to add the truths of Passover to those reflections.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Talking About Sex
My pastor recently completed a six-week series on 'God's Ethics of Intimacy'. We've been studying through Colossians, and instead of a quick gloss over the verse on sexual immorality, he took the time to delve into what it really means to submit our sexuality and our relationships to God and His plan for our lives. However, despite listening intently all six weeks, I was not setup with an arranged marriage as P.E. promised us for faithful attendance. Oh well.
I also just read Lauren Winner's book, Real Sex. (I recommend Lauren Winner's memoir, Girl Meets God to pretty much anyone I meet.) It is an excellent book, and required reading for anyone struggling with the concept of chastity, its meaning and importance. It is very realistic but also scriptural, and she pulls no punches about the necessity of chastity.
But to be honest with you, I'm pretty much sick of talking about sex. And I'm not even sure it's healthy to keep thinking about it so much. Wisdom and experience tells us that the more we dwell on something, the more likely we are to act on it, for good or bad. Does all this constant discussion open us up to more temptation?
Perhaps this is why historically the Christian community has tried to stay away from talking about sex. We literally flee temptation. The problem is, in our culture, you can't get away from it. Sex is everywhere. You can't watch a "family" show on television without being bombarded by ads for R-rated movies and sexy new shows featuring couples stripping off their clothes. I can't even check evite without a Victoria's Secret ad popping up. With four younger brothers in the house, I have to cover half the screen with my hand to try to protect them. You don't need to seek out porn on the internet: pinups are there for everyone to see (one of the benefits of switching to gmail: no picture ads!).
In our house, we constantly have to be on purity patrol with our entertainment choices. My brothers know that when a sexually explicit ad comes on, they are to avert their eyes while my mom runs for a pillow to cover the screen or digs for the remote to change the channel. But I'm sad that the message my brothers are getting is that the human body, particularly the female body, is something to hide from. My parents do a great job of explaining that the reason we cover up is because the body is sacred, that we are to cherish it, and enjoy it in the context of marriage. But still, they can't even get the mail without the possibility of an ad or catalog directly contradicting my parents' message.
Fleeing the conversation about sexuality has its own drawbacks. Not talking about it makes sex seem like a bad thing, or that the body itself is sinful. In Real Sex, Winner talks about our present-day Gnosticism in the church that seeks to make all sexual impulses seem evil. This view contradicts our entire creation as humans. And it is true that if we don't have the discussion about the Biblical view of sexuality Christians will only have the culture to teach them how to act. Not many people are as fortunate as I am to have parents who taught me from an early age about making good decisions in relationships (not that I haven't made my share of mistakes in spite of their warnings, but that is another discussion entirely). It is the place of the church to exegete God's plan for us as complete human beings: body, soul, and spirit.
But we also need to be very aware of our own weaknesses and tendencies, and take steps to protect ourselves. For example, I was chatting with a friend last Sunday about dancing, and I told him about the salsa lessons I'm taking. He shared with me that one of the reasons he chooses swing over salsa is because of the sensual nature of latin dancing. The moves and holds are something he personally feels is inappropriate and an area where temptation could creep in.
I can't say how much I respect that. That level of thoughtfulness and honesty is something I can learn from. Yes, some people might pooh-pooh his choice, saying that dancing is "no big deal" and he shouldn't be so uptight. But he is being honest, and following through on his conviction to keep himself pure. Jesus told us that adultery is not limited to the act of sex, that looking lustfully after another person violates the spirit of the law (Matthew 5:27-28). Lust can begin as a simple thought, and in the sexually charged environment of dancing, it is easy to let those thoughts take hold.
I'm not saying that my dancing friends and I should stop going out to Century Ballroom. And I'm not saying we should stop having good discussions about how best to seek after purity and chastity in our lives. But I am saying that everyone needs to be honest about their own weaknesses and take steps to protect their own soul. Jesus went on to say in Matthew 5: "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell" (v.29). Maybe giving up salsa dancing is a good tradeoff if it keeps your mind pure.
Maybe we need less talking about sex and more about honoring each other as complete persons. Maybe there should be less talking about relationships and more talking during relationships. I don't think there is an easy solution. It is a constant battle every day to conform our wills to God's, in thought as well as deed. But I think a spirit of honest evaluation and humble acceptance of our limitations will go a long way. I know for myself, I need to take a break from all this sex talk.
My pastor recently completed a six-week series on 'God's Ethics of Intimacy'. We've been studying through Colossians, and instead of a quick gloss over the verse on sexual immorality, he took the time to delve into what it really means to submit our sexuality and our relationships to God and His plan for our lives. However, despite listening intently all six weeks, I was not setup with an arranged marriage as P.E. promised us for faithful attendance. Oh well.
I also just read Lauren Winner's book, Real Sex. (I recommend Lauren Winner's memoir, Girl Meets God to pretty much anyone I meet.) It is an excellent book, and required reading for anyone struggling with the concept of chastity, its meaning and importance. It is very realistic but also scriptural, and she pulls no punches about the necessity of chastity.
But to be honest with you, I'm pretty much sick of talking about sex. And I'm not even sure it's healthy to keep thinking about it so much. Wisdom and experience tells us that the more we dwell on something, the more likely we are to act on it, for good or bad. Does all this constant discussion open us up to more temptation?
Perhaps this is why historically the Christian community has tried to stay away from talking about sex. We literally flee temptation. The problem is, in our culture, you can't get away from it. Sex is everywhere. You can't watch a "family" show on television without being bombarded by ads for R-rated movies and sexy new shows featuring couples stripping off their clothes. I can't even check evite without a Victoria's Secret ad popping up. With four younger brothers in the house, I have to cover half the screen with my hand to try to protect them. You don't need to seek out porn on the internet: pinups are there for everyone to see (one of the benefits of switching to gmail: no picture ads!).
In our house, we constantly have to be on purity patrol with our entertainment choices. My brothers know that when a sexually explicit ad comes on, they are to avert their eyes while my mom runs for a pillow to cover the screen or digs for the remote to change the channel. But I'm sad that the message my brothers are getting is that the human body, particularly the female body, is something to hide from. My parents do a great job of explaining that the reason we cover up is because the body is sacred, that we are to cherish it, and enjoy it in the context of marriage. But still, they can't even get the mail without the possibility of an ad or catalog directly contradicting my parents' message.
Fleeing the conversation about sexuality has its own drawbacks. Not talking about it makes sex seem like a bad thing, or that the body itself is sinful. In Real Sex, Winner talks about our present-day Gnosticism in the church that seeks to make all sexual impulses seem evil. This view contradicts our entire creation as humans. And it is true that if we don't have the discussion about the Biblical view of sexuality Christians will only have the culture to teach them how to act. Not many people are as fortunate as I am to have parents who taught me from an early age about making good decisions in relationships (not that I haven't made my share of mistakes in spite of their warnings, but that is another discussion entirely). It is the place of the church to exegete God's plan for us as complete human beings: body, soul, and spirit.
But we also need to be very aware of our own weaknesses and tendencies, and take steps to protect ourselves. For example, I was chatting with a friend last Sunday about dancing, and I told him about the salsa lessons I'm taking. He shared with me that one of the reasons he chooses swing over salsa is because of the sensual nature of latin dancing. The moves and holds are something he personally feels is inappropriate and an area where temptation could creep in.
I can't say how much I respect that. That level of thoughtfulness and honesty is something I can learn from. Yes, some people might pooh-pooh his choice, saying that dancing is "no big deal" and he shouldn't be so uptight. But he is being honest, and following through on his conviction to keep himself pure. Jesus told us that adultery is not limited to the act of sex, that looking lustfully after another person violates the spirit of the law (Matthew 5:27-28). Lust can begin as a simple thought, and in the sexually charged environment of dancing, it is easy to let those thoughts take hold.
I'm not saying that my dancing friends and I should stop going out to Century Ballroom. And I'm not saying we should stop having good discussions about how best to seek after purity and chastity in our lives. But I am saying that everyone needs to be honest about their own weaknesses and take steps to protect their own soul. Jesus went on to say in Matthew 5: "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell" (v.29). Maybe giving up salsa dancing is a good tradeoff if it keeps your mind pure.
Maybe we need less talking about sex and more about honoring each other as complete persons. Maybe there should be less talking about relationships and more talking during relationships. I don't think there is an easy solution. It is a constant battle every day to conform our wills to God's, in thought as well as deed. But I think a spirit of honest evaluation and humble acceptance of our limitations will go a long way. I know for myself, I need to take a break from all this sex talk.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Perspective
It still amazes me at times that I work in banking. I remember a conversation a few years ago where I declared that I was not a "business" person. I was a teacher, a writer, an English major. No interest in sales, numbers, or staying calm while a customer yells about how it is the bank's fault that he decided to go wild with his check card over the weekend. How times have changed. This month marks my four-year anniversary with LUBI (Large Unnamed Banking Institution), where I am known for memorizing account numbers and large portions of the operating procedures manual.
It certainly has not been an easy four years. There have been many ups and downs, and while I have worked with some amazing people and made great friends (both coworkers and customers) I have also struggled with a lot of failure, stress, and bewilderment at why God decided I should be counting money and notarizing affidavits for a living. There have been days, and one month in particular a couple of years back, when I have thought that perhaps this banking thing was not for me, and I should go back to applying for administrative assistant positions.
Lately that thought has come back to nag me. The last few weeks have been hard at work. A minor incident with a teller opened up a whole can of worms, including an issue with a previous manager whom I could not stand and is no longer with the bank. I was enraged to discover that this manager had left something negative in my file that I had never seen nor had a chance to dispute. I've been having to defend myself while still showing an openness to grow and learn, which is a difficult balancing act, I can assure you. Worse still, I have been worrying about how my current managers perceive me, considering that these people are the ones deciding my promotion prospects. Talk about angst.
You see, I have always struggled with needing the approval of others. Ever since I was little, and I would immediately ham up when a camera was turned on me, I have been worrying about my appearance and what others thought of me. This insecurity has taken many forms over the years, but it continually comes up, in my friendships, my work, at church. And while I have learned to identify it and work against it, this natural tendency hampers my ability to focus on simply doing what needs to be done, to the best of my ability.
A friend of mine gave me an interesting book a couple of years ago called Now, Discover Your Strengths. It is one of many business/leadership/sales/customer service/self-help/make-yourself-a-better-person-so-they-pay-you-more books that I own or have read over the last few years. This book comes with a "strengths finder" survey, and of course, I loooove surveys, so I was eager to take it. One of my apparent strengths is termed "Connectedness" or the ability to see "the purpose beyond our humdrum lives". A person with this strength knows that things happen for a reason, and that no matter how confusing the present circumstances, the meaning behind it all will eventually become clear.
So last week I called on this strength in considering my current situation at work, trying to understand why everything has been so emotionally frustrating lately. Here I was thinking I was doing so well, hoping for a raise and a promotion and generally feeling great about my status at LUBI with my coworkers. Then all this shtuff hits the fan and shatters my confidence. And in a moment of clarity, I realized, that was a good thing. My striving for approval, combined with my perfectionism, had led me to find too much self-worth in my job, self-worth that can only be found in Christ. Through the negative events of the last few weeks, God was reminding me that reliance on my own abilities or my standing with my managers will never bring me internal peace or satisfaction at work.
Thinking and praying through this realization has helped me to rediscover some perspective. I can't be confident in my position or status at work, because I never know when something will go wrong. I could make a huge mistake next week that could cost me my job. I could also get called up and offered a promotion. I don't know. All I know is that no matter what happens at LUBI, God still loves me, and He approves of me, no matter what my annual review says.
It still amazes me at times that I work in banking. I remember a conversation a few years ago where I declared that I was not a "business" person. I was a teacher, a writer, an English major. No interest in sales, numbers, or staying calm while a customer yells about how it is the bank's fault that he decided to go wild with his check card over the weekend. How times have changed. This month marks my four-year anniversary with LUBI (Large Unnamed Banking Institution), where I am known for memorizing account numbers and large portions of the operating procedures manual.
It certainly has not been an easy four years. There have been many ups and downs, and while I have worked with some amazing people and made great friends (both coworkers and customers) I have also struggled with a lot of failure, stress, and bewilderment at why God decided I should be counting money and notarizing affidavits for a living. There have been days, and one month in particular a couple of years back, when I have thought that perhaps this banking thing was not for me, and I should go back to applying for administrative assistant positions.
Lately that thought has come back to nag me. The last few weeks have been hard at work. A minor incident with a teller opened up a whole can of worms, including an issue with a previous manager whom I could not stand and is no longer with the bank. I was enraged to discover that this manager had left something negative in my file that I had never seen nor had a chance to dispute. I've been having to defend myself while still showing an openness to grow and learn, which is a difficult balancing act, I can assure you. Worse still, I have been worrying about how my current managers perceive me, considering that these people are the ones deciding my promotion prospects. Talk about angst.
You see, I have always struggled with needing the approval of others. Ever since I was little, and I would immediately ham up when a camera was turned on me, I have been worrying about my appearance and what others thought of me. This insecurity has taken many forms over the years, but it continually comes up, in my friendships, my work, at church. And while I have learned to identify it and work against it, this natural tendency hampers my ability to focus on simply doing what needs to be done, to the best of my ability.
A friend of mine gave me an interesting book a couple of years ago called Now, Discover Your Strengths. It is one of many business/leadership/sales/customer service/self-help/make-yourself-a-better-person-so-they-pay-you-more books that I own or have read over the last few years. This book comes with a "strengths finder" survey, and of course, I loooove surveys, so I was eager to take it. One of my apparent strengths is termed "Connectedness" or the ability to see "the purpose beyond our humdrum lives". A person with this strength knows that things happen for a reason, and that no matter how confusing the present circumstances, the meaning behind it all will eventually become clear.
So last week I called on this strength in considering my current situation at work, trying to understand why everything has been so emotionally frustrating lately. Here I was thinking I was doing so well, hoping for a raise and a promotion and generally feeling great about my status at LUBI with my coworkers. Then all this shtuff hits the fan and shatters my confidence. And in a moment of clarity, I realized, that was a good thing. My striving for approval, combined with my perfectionism, had led me to find too much self-worth in my job, self-worth that can only be found in Christ. Through the negative events of the last few weeks, God was reminding me that reliance on my own abilities or my standing with my managers will never bring me internal peace or satisfaction at work.
Thinking and praying through this realization has helped me to rediscover some perspective. I can't be confident in my position or status at work, because I never know when something will go wrong. I could make a huge mistake next week that could cost me my job. I could also get called up and offered a promotion. I don't know. All I know is that no matter what happens at LUBI, God still loves me, and He approves of me, no matter what my annual review says.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Let Justice Roll Down
Last night Quest had the opportunity to host Dr. John Perkins for an evening of worship and teaching. I had never heard Dr. Perkins speak, but I had heard of him, and was very excited about the evening. I was not prepared for how great it would be.
Wow.
Yeah, all I can say is wow. The entire evening was amazing-some of the best worship we have had in awhile, plus a chance to hear from the Royalty gospel choir (one of my favorite things). And then to listen to Dr. Perkins for an hour or so (it seemed like less) was a great privilege.
Every now and then I read an author or hear a speaker who puts into words what God has been speaking in my heart. Last night was just such an occasion. Everything he said about discipleship, reconciliation, and how the church should be living as the body of Christ was so good, so true. I've been looking over my notes this morning and marveling at how simple yet profound his words were.
Looking at it from the perspective of the Renovare Spiritual Traditions, Dr. Perkins perfectly merges the Evangelical, Word-centered life with the Social Justice tradition. He preaches an activism that comes from discipleship, from truly seeking after the heart of God for people. This focus on discipleship is a conviction I have had for a few years now, one that led me to Quest. While no one at Quest would claim we are perfect in how we do church, one of the things I love is that we have a foundation in Biblical, exegetical teaching, that does not serve merely to increase our knowledge, but spurs us into action.
Thanks to my friend Matt, who loaned me some cash (you would think a banker would have cash on hand) I was able to purchase Dr. Perkins' book, Let Justice Roll Down, which I have been devouring this morning. I highly recommend it. After I finish this, I think I might go on to read everything else he has written.
Last night Quest had the opportunity to host Dr. John Perkins for an evening of worship and teaching. I had never heard Dr. Perkins speak, but I had heard of him, and was very excited about the evening. I was not prepared for how great it would be.
Wow.
Yeah, all I can say is wow. The entire evening was amazing-some of the best worship we have had in awhile, plus a chance to hear from the Royalty gospel choir (one of my favorite things). And then to listen to Dr. Perkins for an hour or so (it seemed like less) was a great privilege.
Every now and then I read an author or hear a speaker who puts into words what God has been speaking in my heart. Last night was just such an occasion. Everything he said about discipleship, reconciliation, and how the church should be living as the body of Christ was so good, so true. I've been looking over my notes this morning and marveling at how simple yet profound his words were.
Looking at it from the perspective of the Renovare Spiritual Traditions, Dr. Perkins perfectly merges the Evangelical, Word-centered life with the Social Justice tradition. He preaches an activism that comes from discipleship, from truly seeking after the heart of God for people. This focus on discipleship is a conviction I have had for a few years now, one that led me to Quest. While no one at Quest would claim we are perfect in how we do church, one of the things I love is that we have a foundation in Biblical, exegetical teaching, that does not serve merely to increase our knowledge, but spurs us into action.
Thanks to my friend Matt, who loaned me some cash (you would think a banker would have cash on hand) I was able to purchase Dr. Perkins' book, Let Justice Roll Down, which I have been devouring this morning. I highly recommend it. After I finish this, I think I might go on to read everything else he has written.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
What is it with the birthday fever?
I went to an impromptu birthday celebration tonight for someone from our sister branch who was turning 21. This makes 4 birthday celebrations in 2 months with 3 more currently planned in the coming weeks. 3 of the 7 are 21st birthday celebrations, involving a good quantity of libations. So I gotta wonder, what was going on in spring 1985?
Birthdays are a big deal in my family. When it's your birthday, you get to run the show. Your choice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Entertainment, movie choice, outing, gift list, all according to your whim. When we were little, we went to Chuck E. Cheese (Questers will recognize this as the actual place of sermon lore). I loved to go play skeeball and whack-the-monster (the monster changed every time we went) and save tickets for the ridiculous prizes (I think I still have a stuffed Chuck E. Cheese doll somewhere in a box). As I grew older, I graduated to Wild Waves, shopping trips, and most recently, a bonfire on the beach. My brothers still make trips to the Family Fun Center (that's the place by Southcenter Mall with the big Bulwinkle) and shopping sprees at Toys 'R' Us and Fred Meyer.
One would think that with this focus on birthdays, my 21st would have been a huge smash. I've heard tales of wild shindigs and have been witness to severe drunkenness in celebration of the legal drinking age. I, however, have no puking stories from my 21st year. Actually, my 21st was very quiet and simple, with the big production being a nice dinner out with my very best friend Tenae. She was a culinary student at the time, so she found a really nice restaurant in Wallingford to take me to, with a high quality three course dinner and a nice glass of merlot. No hangover, no day-after wretchedness, just a nice tingle on my tongue. It was great.
When I made the comment to my branch manager that I had no puking stories, she said, "I think you like it that way." She was slightly buzzed herself when she said it, but I think she's right. I've never been full-on drunk. A bit happy, yes, and I have learned not to drink your fourth drink sitting down and then stand up really fast afterwards. But nothing more than that.
I wonder if some people consider me a bit too self-righteous or straight-laced because of that. I mean, I can have a good time while still retaining my faculties. I don't see the appeal in worshipping the porcelain god. I've had the stomach flu, I don't need a self-induced case. And while I don't encourage drunkenness, I don't go around telling people they have had too much to drink. I just make sure they have a ride if they need one.
I suppose I've always had a bit of insecurity in regards to my goody-two-shoes-ness. (I'm such a goody-two-shoes, I was called that by a kid in my church youth group.) There's a little bit of temptation to be bad just to fit in. I've found that becoming a negative in my life recently, as my language has become increasingly coarse at work (not with customers, with my rather foul-mouthed coworkers). A new coworker, whom I have discovered is a Christian, convicted me the other day when he reminded me of the verse that says "let no foul thing proceed from your lips." I realized just how foul I can be sometimes, and even just the amount of negative that comes out of my mouth. We had a long discussion at C group recently about criticalness in our speech, and when we should speak up and when we should shut up. Reflecting on that discussion, I confess that I could shut up a lot more.
I'm rambling now, but I guess I'm trying to process the conflict between strong conviction about what is good and right behavior, and the desire to let people just have a good time. I mean, sin is sin, right? Drunkenness and foul language are both mentioned in the Bible as bad activities. My swearing is just as bad as someone getting plastered. Some people would say that neither is a big deal, but then I go back and read the verses in Colossians and I am totally convicted. And conflicted. Totally.
Sigh...This is how I respond to issues. One of our other discussions at C group was about personality types, and there was a frighteningly accurate statement about my personality:
An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.
Mental wrestling match. Ad exhaustium. Yeah.
So, this proved to be a post about more than birthdays. But it's a lot of stuff I have been thinking about lately. Maybe if I blogged more frequently, I wouldn't have so much to say in one post!
I went to an impromptu birthday celebration tonight for someone from our sister branch who was turning 21. This makes 4 birthday celebrations in 2 months with 3 more currently planned in the coming weeks. 3 of the 7 are 21st birthday celebrations, involving a good quantity of libations. So I gotta wonder, what was going on in spring 1985?
Birthdays are a big deal in my family. When it's your birthday, you get to run the show. Your choice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Entertainment, movie choice, outing, gift list, all according to your whim. When we were little, we went to Chuck E. Cheese (Questers will recognize this as the actual place of sermon lore). I loved to go play skeeball and whack-the-monster (the monster changed every time we went) and save tickets for the ridiculous prizes (I think I still have a stuffed Chuck E. Cheese doll somewhere in a box). As I grew older, I graduated to Wild Waves, shopping trips, and most recently, a bonfire on the beach. My brothers still make trips to the Family Fun Center (that's the place by Southcenter Mall with the big Bulwinkle) and shopping sprees at Toys 'R' Us and Fred Meyer.
One would think that with this focus on birthdays, my 21st would have been a huge smash. I've heard tales of wild shindigs and have been witness to severe drunkenness in celebration of the legal drinking age. I, however, have no puking stories from my 21st year. Actually, my 21st was very quiet and simple, with the big production being a nice dinner out with my very best friend Tenae. She was a culinary student at the time, so she found a really nice restaurant in Wallingford to take me to, with a high quality three course dinner and a nice glass of merlot. No hangover, no day-after wretchedness, just a nice tingle on my tongue. It was great.
When I made the comment to my branch manager that I had no puking stories, she said, "I think you like it that way." She was slightly buzzed herself when she said it, but I think she's right. I've never been full-on drunk. A bit happy, yes, and I have learned not to drink your fourth drink sitting down and then stand up really fast afterwards. But nothing more than that.
I wonder if some people consider me a bit too self-righteous or straight-laced because of that. I mean, I can have a good time while still retaining my faculties. I don't see the appeal in worshipping the porcelain god. I've had the stomach flu, I don't need a self-induced case. And while I don't encourage drunkenness, I don't go around telling people they have had too much to drink. I just make sure they have a ride if they need one.
I suppose I've always had a bit of insecurity in regards to my goody-two-shoes-ness. (I'm such a goody-two-shoes, I was called that by a kid in my church youth group.) There's a little bit of temptation to be bad just to fit in. I've found that becoming a negative in my life recently, as my language has become increasingly coarse at work (not with customers, with my rather foul-mouthed coworkers). A new coworker, whom I have discovered is a Christian, convicted me the other day when he reminded me of the verse that says "let no foul thing proceed from your lips." I realized just how foul I can be sometimes, and even just the amount of negative that comes out of my mouth. We had a long discussion at C group recently about criticalness in our speech, and when we should speak up and when we should shut up. Reflecting on that discussion, I confess that I could shut up a lot more.
I'm rambling now, but I guess I'm trying to process the conflict between strong conviction about what is good and right behavior, and the desire to let people just have a good time. I mean, sin is sin, right? Drunkenness and foul language are both mentioned in the Bible as bad activities. My swearing is just as bad as someone getting plastered. Some people would say that neither is a big deal, but then I go back and read the verses in Colossians and I am totally convicted. And conflicted. Totally.
Sigh...This is how I respond to issues. One of our other discussions at C group was about personality types, and there was a frighteningly accurate statement about my personality:
An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.
Mental wrestling match. Ad exhaustium. Yeah.
So, this proved to be a post about more than birthdays. But it's a lot of stuff I have been thinking about lately. Maybe if I blogged more frequently, I wouldn't have so much to say in one post!
Sunday, January 21, 2007
The best laid plans...
I had hoped that after the holiday craziness I would be able to get back on a bit of a schedule. Make some time for the gym, have coffee with some people I need to catch up with, get more sleep-you know, the usual. And of course, spend more time reading, reflecting, and blogging. Now that I know a couple of people actually read my blog, I figure I should be a bit more faithful to it.
So much for that idea.
The first three weeks of the year have been a conglomeration of overbooking, sickness, and weather insanity. Time that was supposed to be spent reading and/or sleeping was instead spent trying to get home without crashing my car or being run into by the other crazies on the road. When I was home, I was so drugged up with cold meds that my mind wasn't worth much at all. But of course, I wasn't home much, because somehow I thought that sickness was not enough to keep me from working extra hours and driving around town to myriad social activities.
This does not bode well for 2007. You would think I would have learned from the last few months of 2006 that I need to say no, set boundaries, and take care of myself a little better. But no, here I am, making the same mistakes. Every Sunday I say to myself, "this week, I will really, finally get it together."
Today was no exception. This was a busy weekend, with multiple social engagements and church commitments. I have had too little sleep and too much food. So here I am, with my Bible and the book I have been trying to read for weeks, trying to write a quick blog entry before heading to bed early. The gym bag will be on my shoulder as I walk to the bus tomorrow, and all I bought for groceries today was veggies, yogurt, and low-fat cheese.
We'll see how long it lasts.
I had hoped that after the holiday craziness I would be able to get back on a bit of a schedule. Make some time for the gym, have coffee with some people I need to catch up with, get more sleep-you know, the usual. And of course, spend more time reading, reflecting, and blogging. Now that I know a couple of people actually read my blog, I figure I should be a bit more faithful to it.
So much for that idea.
The first three weeks of the year have been a conglomeration of overbooking, sickness, and weather insanity. Time that was supposed to be spent reading and/or sleeping was instead spent trying to get home without crashing my car or being run into by the other crazies on the road. When I was home, I was so drugged up with cold meds that my mind wasn't worth much at all. But of course, I wasn't home much, because somehow I thought that sickness was not enough to keep me from working extra hours and driving around town to myriad social activities.
This does not bode well for 2007. You would think I would have learned from the last few months of 2006 that I need to say no, set boundaries, and take care of myself a little better. But no, here I am, making the same mistakes. Every Sunday I say to myself, "this week, I will really, finally get it together."
Today was no exception. This was a busy weekend, with multiple social engagements and church commitments. I have had too little sleep and too much food. So here I am, with my Bible and the book I have been trying to read for weeks, trying to write a quick blog entry before heading to bed early. The gym bag will be on my shoulder as I walk to the bus tomorrow, and all I bought for groceries today was veggies, yogurt, and low-fat cheese.
We'll see how long it lasts.
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