Mourning

Saturday night I was at the Life Together fellowship night, laughing and eating and rejoicing that everything was going so well. It was a fantastic event-tons of new people came out, everyone had a great time, ate lots of food, played lots of games. Best of all, the main reason that the event went well is because now I have a full team of Questers helping to make everything happen. There is a new group of folks who have joined the ministry team in the past month, and along with a couple of dedicated team alums we are planning a good list of events (including our annual retreat!) and I am really excited to see where the ministry will go, especially since I plan to step down from the ministry leader role this August.

In the midst of this fun night, Pastor Eugene showed up and crashed the party. We always give PE a hard time when he comes by Life Together events, because the ministry is supposed to be for post-college/pre-family Questers, which is definitely not PE's demographic.
He joked around a little with folks, but when I went to go talk to him, he told me why he had been in the neighborhood. He told me that he had been called to Craig Wong's home, because the battle with cancer was not going well, and Craig was expected to pass away that night or the next day.

When he said that, it all came rushing back. The times in the hospital, seeing my grandma fight the cancer that stole her life. The phone call from my mom on a Sunday night after church telling me that my grandma was nearing the end. Breaking down on the phone with a friend as I couldn't handle the sorrow that immediately began to set in. Waiting anxiously at work the next morning for word. The feeling in my stomach when the phone rang, and I knew, even before I picked it up, that she was gone.

After PE left and I sat down to play some Bible Scattergories with friends, I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening, but my spirit was praying. Praying for Craig, that his passing would be peaceful and he would be safe in his Savior's arms. Praying for Craig's wife Betty, who is experiencing one of the hardest things a person can feel in this life. Praying for my mother, still grieving my grandma's passing and trying to deal with all the decisions and details about estates and wills and houses that are overwhelming her. Praying that someday cancer will no longer have the power to take our loved ones away. Praying that in the midst of this sorrow, there would be a way for us to see how God will work all things together for good.

Sunday at church we all heard the news: Craig had finished this life and had gone home. We prayed and we worshipped, and as we sang, I cried, for Craig and Betty, for their young children, who like me will grow up not knowing a parent, for my grandma, for all those who have lost someone to cancer. We mourn with those who mourn, and our sorrows expand our hearts so that we can carry the burden of others' sorrows. But the Spirit gives us gladness for our mourning, as we seek Him, as we bring our broken hearts and lay them at His feet. And so the last song we sang became the cry of my heart, the cry of all of us who have loved and lost:

God will you make us
A people that love You
Please take our offerings
That we set before You
God hear our prayers
That we're lifting up to You
God see our tears
That we're struggling to see through
God, hear our prayers to You

Status Updates

I love technology. Yes, I am a romantic, and I love to read old novels and light candles and all of that, and am not very handy with technological gidgets and widgets. But I greatly appreciate computers and highspeed internet access. While my eyes might glaze over after about 30 seconds whenever my geek friends start spewing technobabble, I love them and love that when I am faced with the blue screen of death, I have someone to call. I should probably figure out how to take care of my own laptop, but when some of your best guy friends are IT nerds, why bother?

I'm a devoted fan of Gmail. I don't know how I ever lived before I switched. The chatting, the way it is organized in conversations, the usefulness of google docs and google calendar and google reader and google groups. I could go on forever. I get to work and sign into my gmail, and although my "draconian" company blocks gchat as well as all social networking sites (I actually had a friend use that adjective after learning I was being blocked from gchat. Love it) I spend all day with my gmail up, ready to respond to any email you might send me. I love social networking sites, and would spend all day updating my Twitter status if it wasn't for this virtual wall that the Large Unnamed Banking Institution has constructed. I guess that is a good thing, since I should be working!

Since gchat is blocked, I subvert that by sending countless emails throughout the day, mostly to my friend the Kiwi. We have literally sent thousands of emails over the past year. I searched for her name (another fabulous benefit of gmail) and found 502 conversations. Some of our conversations have actually been longer than the gmail limit of 100 messages. Even at an average of 30 messages a conversation (which is not a stretch: as I write this, we are on a 52 message conversation) that's 15,000 emails. As the Kiwi would say, booyah!

But the biggest and best is, of course, Facebook. The status updates, the links, the notes, the applications. Especially superpoke. I mean, where else do you get to take sexy back from your roommate and then throw a sheep at a friend after having a conversation about the old pc game Worms? You can have an impromptu dance party in your kitchen and ten minutes later the photos are uploaded and you are making funny comments on them. Too much fun.

I love reading other people's status updates and laughing at their witty notes. And I will admit to spending too much time thinking of clever updates to my status. But as fun as it is, sometimes status updates are insufficient to explain how you are feeling.

I ran into that last night. I had just gotten home from visiting my friend and former co-leader's C group, where we ate and laughed and talked about Passover and communion and messianic prophecy. I was reflecting on the good friends that are in that group and the awesome lunch I had enjoyed with one of them the day before, as well as my own C group and the faithful people who come and share their hearts and lives with me. I was meditating on Lent and the peace that I have been feeling the last week but also the awareness of my own sin and sorrow. I was overcome by the goodness and mercy of God, that He chose to be that Passover lamb for us, that He was pierced for our transgressions, that by the stripes on His back I am healed.

I kept changing my status. Rebecca has a full heart. No, what kind of status is that. Full of what? Rebecca is grateful. Well, yes, but that's not enough of a word. Rebecca is thinking about how blessed she is. Well, but I am also thinking about what a sinner I am, and the dark places in my life right now, and while I am blessed in spite of all that, you need more explanation.

So what did I settle on? Rebecca can't come up with a status message that explains how she is feeling. As great as all this technology is, there is no way to summarize a heart overcome by a jumble of peace, joy, pain, absolute fulfillment and unrequited love, contentment and frustration, faith and faithlessness.

This is why as great as it is to buy you a drink on superpoke (it's free, and there are no side effects!) I would much rather enjoy a meal or drink with you in person, and share what God is doing, face to face.