Lenten Discipline

Today's lenten devotional from Henri J. M. Nouwen:

"Discipline is the creation of boundaries that keep time and space open for God--a time and a place where God's gracious presence can be acknowledge and responded to."

The practice of giving up things for Lent has become something of a fad in the evangelical church. We give up chocolate, give up TV, facebook, whatever modern convenience or minor vice that you can live without, and say that it is given up for God. But is saying no to your daily doughnut helping your spirit, or merely your body?

Yes, body, soul, and spirit are all part of your being, and should be cared for and disciplined equally. But it is too easy to give up a little something and miss the entire point of Lent. Lent is supposed to be about repentance, cleansing, and identification with suffering. It is also a time where we put aside worldly things so that we can focus on spiritual things. Giving up physical things like food is supposed to point us back to Christ and the cross, to His time in the desert, his struggle in the garden. Whatever it is that we give up, we are supposed to use it as a way to bring us into prayer and repentance. It is only a season, but it should be a season that changes us and causes us to grow for the long-term.

I'm giving up a lot for Lent--in my diet, my spending, my habits. It's been quite awhile since I did anything more than give up chocolate or some other small thing. I've chosen to go with a very strict Lenten discipline this year because in my crazy overpacked schedule I feel I have lost the discipline that makes time for God. I used to be a much more disciplined person, but lately the ups and downs of life have pulled me away from that. I turn to food as a way to deal with emotions, I don't get enough rest, I obsess over how I am perceived by others. I get tired and emotional and don't turn to God for my joy and contentment. These are things I need to repent from.

I also tend to say yes to everything, to always be the first (and last) one at the party or on the list to help. While my motivations are usually good, this habit can be just as bad for my spiritual health. For me, this Lent is a time to remind my Martha self that in my desire to serve the people of Christ, I mustn't miss out on the most important thing: Christ Himself.

My mom told me a long time ago that when you are fasting, every time you find yourself desiring the thing you are fasting from is an opportunity to pray. So in saying no to a few things, I hope to be reminding myself to always be making a place for God to speak into my life, and I hope that this discipline will be something that continues long after I start saying yes to chocolate again.

Drawbridge

He pulls up to the bridge, the lights flashing, metal separating as the boat slowly glides underneath. Other men stop and get out for a smoke, but his mind is on the passenger in the backseat. Quickly jerking the emergency brake into place, he dashes out of his seat and around to the rear passenger door. Throwing it open, he unbackles the carseat and lifts his son into the air. "Look!" he says, "that's a drawbridge!" His son beams and gestures wildly at the new excitement. He can't help but smile back, and as his father heart warms at the joy in his son's eyes, he gives him a kiss on the cheek and thinks to himself, "this is what life is all about."

~~(quickly) written on the First Avenue bridge, as I watched the scene unfold.

Letting Go What You Are Not

Look in
and see him looking out
He is not always
quiet, but there have been times
when happiness has come
to him, unasked,
like the stillness on the water
that holds the evening clear
while it subsides
-and he let go
what he was not.

~~Wendell Berry, Window Poems #5

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up early for no apparent reason, was super productive and happily domestic in the morning, cooking and cleaning and enjoying my house. Spent a few hours helping a friend pack and move, and we had a great talk about life and vision and calling in a cafe with the sunshine streaming in the window. Spent a few precious minutes at my new favorite park. Wandered around Ballard on an artwalk that ended up being more walking than art, but the friends made it fun. And then had the friends over to my house for food and drink and board games. All-around awesome.

And I enjoyed every minute of it. There was a moment, a moment when one of those old lies tried to come and tell me that I was not wanted, that the party that I was hosting could go on without me and no one would notice. I've heard this lie in my head for years and years. But I looked it in the face and I told it, "yes, you're right. The party can go on without me. But they would notice. And even if they don't notice, it doesn't mean I am not wanted. I put the party together, and they are having fun. But they don't just want me for what I do, but for who I am. They want me to be with them. So I am going back up there and I'm going to enjoy myself."

And I was right. They wanted me and I enjoyed myself. So that's one more lie, one more thing that I am not, that I will put behind me. When that lie tries again, I will remind it of that night, and I will live in the truth.

It was Valentine's Day. And while there was no romance, there was love, and I was not unwanted.

Truth/Beauty

Living in truth
is too hard some days
the lies are like
comfy old sweats-
you know you look horrible,
but it's easier
than trying to be beautiful

and though He gives beauty
for ashes
I sometimes crumble
in the dust of my dreams
(the ones based on false hopes)
and I ask 'why?' and
'how long?'

even though I could stand up
and be cleansed
and the truth
could set me free

Faith And Economics

For those who came out today to my mini-session on credit and debt, and those who missed it, here is the powerpoint presentation. Feel free to ask further questions!

Faith And Economics

View more presentations from rjgintrepid.

Time Flies

Is it really February already? Yesterday I tried to figure out where January went and couldn't find it. I think it was lost in a blur of good intentions and resolutions gone by the wayside.

The month was not completely lost-I can look at my calendar and see that I was able to catch up with good friends who I had not seen much over the holidays, that I celebrated birthdays and went out of town twice. But the fact that I have to look at my calendar to remember that is frightening. It seems as if I am running through life without a moment to stop and enjoy it.

The thing is, though, that while I complain about how fast life is moving, I seem to operate better as a busy person. I am constantly planning, making lists and schedules, and getting satisfaction out of crossing items off those lists or changing the month on the calendar. I rarely have two days in a row where I am not booked. I constantly feel like I am not getting enough done, not getting enough sleep, not enough, not enough.

And of course, when I do have a moment to stop and reflect, I don't know what to do with myself. This weekend was a prime example. I had no concrete plans, no to-do list. I could be busy or quiet as I wanted. On Sunday I had no responsibilities whatsoever-no meetings, no announcements to make, no songs to lead. And I was completely discombobulated. I changed my facebook status four times in an hour and tried to pray and meditate without much success. I was in a funk all afternoon and didn't go out for dinner after church. I obsessed over random comments made by me or to me that weren't really big deals at all but became huge destructive messes in my overactive brain.

Sigh.

Last summer, after the Life Together Retreat, I started writing a post entitled "What Does It Mean To Be?". It was in response to Dr. Spencer's teachings on authenticity. He had put up on the board at the start of that session a quote that had been on my wall for months: 'esse quam videri'. It means 'to be, rather than to appear'. It's something that I have been struggling with for a couple of years now. I am a doer, a Martha, a 2 on the Enneagram, an ESFJ Provider-Guardian that is always taking care of things. But how do I simply be?

And if I just be, will that be enough?


I've been talking about taking a sabbatical for awhile now. I decided that this would be my last season leading both a C group and Life Together. I'll continue to serve until July or August, after C groups are done for the year and the Life Together Retreat is hopefully another great success. But then I will take some time to not be in charge, to not have a full calendar every month. It will be good for both me and the ministries.

But I am already thinking about all the things that I could do during that time. Piano lessons, a foreign language, maybe more dance lessons or a martial arts class. I might end up just as busy as I am now. And will that defeat the purpose? Will all this activity just continue to distract me from my dissatisfaction with myself?

I realized in my struggling yesterday that as much as I have changed and grown as a person, I still have the same tendencies, the same old patterns that threaten to come back and take over, and hiding in my busyness is one of those old ways of coping. When I feel like I am not enough, that nobody wants just me, then I find more things to do to make myself useful. And it's a pattern that I don't want to keep repeating.

I know there is a lot underneath all this, motivations that I am unpacking. And half the battle is being aware enough of your own responses and whether or not they are coming from truth or lies that you believe about yourself. But the other half of the battle, the part where you actually have to change and overcome those lies, and not live in them anymore, that part is harder.

I never finished that post on authenticity. Maybe I should find the time.