Today's advent devotional from Henri Nouwen:
"Quite often out of an intimate encounter with God encounters with other human beings become possible...If you are the beloved of God, if you start thinking about other people's lives, you start realizing that they are as beloved as you are. One of the profound experiences of the spiritual life is that when you discover yourself as being the beloved son or daughter of God, you suddenly have new eyes to see the belovedness of other people.
It is very interesting because it is the opposite of what happens in the world when they say you are very special, that means you are not the same as the rest. If you win an award and they say you are different than others, then that award is valuable because not everyone gets that award. The world is saying that you are only the best when not everybody else is the best."
This little passage really struck me today because it so perfectly encapsulates my own struggle with self worth and need for achievement when I was younger (and even now, although to a lesser extent). I had the viewpoint of the world. I lived in the mentality that I was not special, not beloved, and that I had to earn the love and respect of others through my own hard work. I could not see that my belovedness came from being created by God.
One of the interesting results of my own developing self-acceptance is an increased ability to accept and love those around me. I've always been a very critical person, perhaps more on myself than others. While I will likely never be known as the most empathetic, soft-hearted person on the planet, I have a much greater capacity for tolerance, forgiveness, and forbearance than I ever had in my youth. I am more likely to be willing to get to know a person, instead of meeting them with a set of expectations or qualifications. This openness leads to a lot less disappointment, and a lot more joy.
As a response to the reading, Nouwen's advent action for today is to list our blessings, so I share the following list:
Family: Despite losing my mother at a young age, I now have a wonderful mom, the most loving dad in the world, and four fantastic brothers, plus grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who love me.
Home: Because of this wonderful family, I get to live at home with parents who have successfully made the transition to parent of adult child, which means lots of fun, home-cooked meals, no rent payment, and being woken up early in the morning by a 9 year old singing "Mele Kalikimaka."
Church: I knew when God called me to leave my childhood church, it wouldn't be easy but it would be better in the end. Quest has accepted me, loved me, and given me a place to serve and develop my spiritual gifts.
Friends: Not only do I have fantastic lifelong friends (Tenae and I just hit 18 years!) but coming to Quest has multiplied my circle of friends like the loaves and fishies of Gospel times. Every week I look forward to church and dinner following (mmm...honeydew beef...) and between C groups and Life Together I have the busiest social schedule I have ever had in my life.
Work: Despite having given up my misguided college dream of being a teacher, I have somehow found a place in the world of banking. The entire career at Large Unnamed Banking Institution has been one surprise after the other, the most recent being my new position at the brokerage. Who knew I could read the financial section of a newspaper and understand it?
There are so many other great blessings in my life: my perfect blue car, my long list of guy friends who insist on telling me how they have crushes on my girl friends, living in Seattle, the library system that supports my reading/viewing habit, lots of music to listen to and plays to go see, and now friends who like the theatre too! Oh, I could go on, but I will challenge you to make your own list. And remind you that you are beloved of God.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Deck the halls with cake and cookies
It is incomprehensible to me how much food has been delivered to my office this week. I haven't had to buy or bring lunch because there is just too much food to be had. Of course, the food consists of cake(s), cookies, chocolates, sweet breads, scones, and pretzels and nuts covered in various sweet sauces. Oh, and fruit. Have to put something healthy in there, right?
In an attempt to combat the never-ending flow of sweets, today I switched my gym membership. With the job change, my previous location was no longer very convenient, and I don't need any more excuses to skip out on exercise. I'm tired, I'm busy, I forgot my water bottle or my iPod, I really just hate being on the elliptical machine for extended periods of time. So much easier to just get on the bus and head home. Oh, and don't even talk to me about getting up early to work out. It is dark and cold, and I am lucky if I make it to work on time.
So I forced myself to make the switch and go work out today. I was gifted with a free workout with a trainer (aka marketing opportunity) so I let her put me through my paces. Boy are my hamstrings going to hate me tomorrow.
I've never been much of an athlete. I was always clumsy as a kid, tripping over my pigeon-toed feet and getting tired out easily. I wasn't flexible or graceful, and I still have never been able to do a real cartwheel. The best I ever did in athletics was in high school when I had a paper route. I would ride my bike up and down hills for an hour every day, which was enough to get me out of PE class, and that made me very happy. I never did recover from PE in 6th grade, when the entire class had to do pushups whenever someone failed to get the ball over the net in volleyball. Guess who caused many, many pushups to be doled out upon an unhappy class?
Combine my lack of athleticism with a generally poor self-image that led to emotional eating, and I was a chubby kid. I wore big T-shirts and jeans, looked super frumpy all the time, and basically accepted my lot as the ugly girl. In college my weight fluctuated as did my self-image, as I worked nights, lived off of 4 hours of sleep a day, and went through two destructive relationships. Upon entering the real world, I got a job at a desk, promptly got a high-stress promotion, and a year later I reached two hundred pounds, which put me in the obese category.
Somehow between hitting that 200 mark and going through a really tough emotional period, I realized that I had to do something to take care of myself. I was unhealthy, unhappy, and not valuing myself as a child of God. It took a time of spiritual crisis to make me realize that not taking care of myself physically was a symptom of how I viewed my worth. I didn't think I was lovable or attractive as a person, so what would it matter if I was physically attractive? No one was going to want me either way.
This was a lie I had told myself for a long time, and it took a lot to recognize it as a lie and then start living differently, living in the truth. Going to the gym became just one part of the changed life that I started to live. But it was an important part. It meant that I accepted that it was worth it for me to care what I looked like and how I felt physically. And the changes I made led to not only a fifty pound reduction in my weight, but an unmeasurable increase in my self-image.
It took a few years, but God has finally started to get it through my head that He wants me, no matter what anyone else says. And there are people who want me, who value me, who think I am lovable the way that God made me. So I should take care of my entire person-body, mind, and soul, because God values my entire person. And that means I'm back on the gym-wagon, refusing that extra piece of chocolate cake, and making sure I get some good sleep in the middle of my crazy holiday schedule.
In an attempt to combat the never-ending flow of sweets, today I switched my gym membership. With the job change, my previous location was no longer very convenient, and I don't need any more excuses to skip out on exercise. I'm tired, I'm busy, I forgot my water bottle or my iPod, I really just hate being on the elliptical machine for extended periods of time. So much easier to just get on the bus and head home. Oh, and don't even talk to me about getting up early to work out. It is dark and cold, and I am lucky if I make it to work on time.
So I forced myself to make the switch and go work out today. I was gifted with a free workout with a trainer (aka marketing opportunity) so I let her put me through my paces. Boy are my hamstrings going to hate me tomorrow.
I've never been much of an athlete. I was always clumsy as a kid, tripping over my pigeon-toed feet and getting tired out easily. I wasn't flexible or graceful, and I still have never been able to do a real cartwheel. The best I ever did in athletics was in high school when I had a paper route. I would ride my bike up and down hills for an hour every day, which was enough to get me out of PE class, and that made me very happy. I never did recover from PE in 6th grade, when the entire class had to do pushups whenever someone failed to get the ball over the net in volleyball. Guess who caused many, many pushups to be doled out upon an unhappy class?
Combine my lack of athleticism with a generally poor self-image that led to emotional eating, and I was a chubby kid. I wore big T-shirts and jeans, looked super frumpy all the time, and basically accepted my lot as the ugly girl. In college my weight fluctuated as did my self-image, as I worked nights, lived off of 4 hours of sleep a day, and went through two destructive relationships. Upon entering the real world, I got a job at a desk, promptly got a high-stress promotion, and a year later I reached two hundred pounds, which put me in the obese category.
Somehow between hitting that 200 mark and going through a really tough emotional period, I realized that I had to do something to take care of myself. I was unhealthy, unhappy, and not valuing myself as a child of God. It took a time of spiritual crisis to make me realize that not taking care of myself physically was a symptom of how I viewed my worth. I didn't think I was lovable or attractive as a person, so what would it matter if I was physically attractive? No one was going to want me either way.
This was a lie I had told myself for a long time, and it took a lot to recognize it as a lie and then start living differently, living in the truth. Going to the gym became just one part of the changed life that I started to live. But it was an important part. It meant that I accepted that it was worth it for me to care what I looked like and how I felt physically. And the changes I made led to not only a fifty pound reduction in my weight, but an unmeasurable increase in my self-image.
It took a few years, but God has finally started to get it through my head that He wants me, no matter what anyone else says. And there are people who want me, who value me, who think I am lovable the way that God made me. So I should take care of my entire person-body, mind, and soul, because God values my entire person. And that means I'm back on the gym-wagon, refusing that extra piece of chocolate cake, and making sure I get some good sleep in the middle of my crazy holiday schedule.
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