I Told You

I told you.

So many times
So many ways

When I was leaving and couldn't
go without seeing
your face
touching
your arm
meeting
your eyes

Didn't you read it there?
The sonnet I had written
dedicated to you
perhaps it was too small
my fields of hazel
are not wide and innocent

But didn't you hear?
the catch in my voice
I tried to make my goodbye
Cheerful
unaffected
When I was crying

Perhaps my acting was too good

But I was sure you would know
Thought my heart was obvious
always dancing on my sleeve

Thought the tears would show
not stay bottled
lined up perfectly
on the shelves of my soul

How could you not know?

I told you

So many nights like this
Hellos and goodbyes
Each one a telling

Were you not listening?
Should I have shouted?
Given up my attempts to remain calm?

I held it in until I felt I would implode

Should I have let it go?

Perhaps I should let you go

Because I told you

and you didn't want to hear it

This is a rough first draft, but it came all at once, after thinking a bit on someone's comment that girls are not as obvious in our romantic "signals" as we think we are. I find that my poetry is better read, or performed. When I write, I imagine someone speaking the words to me, but I'm not skilled enough to communicate the tone and inflection perfectly.
I think in the end, I am more of a screenwriter, always thinking about how the scene would be acted, how I would read each line, the facial expressions that would go along with it. Maybe someday I will attempt to write a play. But we'll work on the poetry and short stories first.

Sigh...

Okay, here we go. Disclaimer: this is going to be an extremely honest, and perhaps slightly vulnerable post. Be kind.


Pastor Eugene wrote a blog post this week on guys and dating at Quest. I have now officially been given the classification of "QSW"-Quest Single Woman. In this post, he relates a joke from a friend of mine at Quest about the lack of, shall we say, prospects at Quest. He also calls on the QSM (Quest Single Man) population to step up their game.

Now, I don't think that all the cute guys at Quest are visitors, as the joke went. On the contrary, I think that there are plenty of cute QSMs. I find many of them attractive in myriad ways. As a matter of fact, there are very few guys at Quest that I wouldn't date.

But I understand the sentiment behind the joke. In my two and a half years at Quest, I have NEVER been asked out. And just this past week I have had more than one conversation with other QSW friends who have expressed the same frustration, to the point where one friend called the situation "hopeless".

Somehow I think in our determination to not be like the church across the bridge, we have missed the truth that it is perfectly reasonable to date people at church as long as we do it with honesty, integrity, and character. No, church should not be a meet market, but where better to find people that share your values then at the church you call home?

There has been quite the discussion on PE's post. I would like to answer a couple of comments, if I may. One guy asked about girls initiating, asking guys out instead of expecting the guys to do all the work. While I can understand that question, allow me to share my personal feelings on this.

There are times I have come close to asking a guy out. I have liked guys and known that they were oblivious and thought that perhaps, if I made a move, they would see the light and we would go from there. I mean, I would make a kickass girlfriend. Seriously, I don't say that lightly. I have my issues, my faults and my baggage, but I also seek honesty and openness in relationship, and I love to have fun. I know that we are all broken people but we can find beauty in accepting each other as we are and finding the unique ways that God has created us.

But I've also been told that I am intimidating, and that this is why guys don't ask me out. I don't really know why I am intimidating-I am not the most beautiful, or the most intelligent, or the most accomplished girl at Quest. Perhaps it is because I lead things-C group, ministry, worship. Perhaps it is because I am...well...not petite. But I would really really really love it if a guy would want me enough to get over my intimidation factor and pursue me. That's my own personal relationship need. Otherwise, I guess I would always feel that I had to convince the guy, or perhaps intimidate him, into liking me. I don't want that. I want to be wanted.

I'm not saying every girl is like that, although a lot of girls I talk to do desire to be pursued. Perhaps it is just how we are wired. But there are other girls I know at Quest that would be willing to ask a guy out, if they thought that he was actually interested in dating someone.

Another issue I see is that we all have some skewed view of what we want, who the perfect person is for us. We imagine a certain look, a certain personality, whatever it may be. And when we meet someone new, we compare them to our supposed ideal or "perfect match" and when they don't measure up to the fantasy, we write them off. But I once met a guy who seemed to be the exact "ideal guy" I had imagined in college. And you know what? He was completely wrong for me. I've since learned to be more open to possibilities, open to take a chance on someone I might not have considered before, but who could turn out to be an amazing friend and/or partner in life.

But so far, no one has wanted to take that chance on me.

So to all the QSMs, this QSW (and most of my friends) would give you a chance, if you would take a chance on us. I can't guarantee it will work out, and maybe at times it will be hard or awkward. But I hope you would find us worth the risk.

To Be Fully Known

This past week I have been reflecting on an interesting interaction I had. I was meeting a couple of friends to go see a concert, and there was a fourth person coming whom I didn't know. But when he showed up and was introduced to me, he said, "oh yeah, I know Rebecca."


Really?


I think I had seen him before at Quest, but I know I had never been introduced to him or had a conversation with him. We all had a fun time that night, but I couldn't help thinking about that statement and how revealing it was.

What does it mean to really be known? Pastor Eugene was speaking on the story of Ananias and Sapphira again this week and talking about how we as people want to be seen and known and praised. We want recognition. We desire acclaim. I agree that we all too often desire glory for ourselves more than we desire glory for God. But I also know that for myself, there is something deeper than this desire for praise: the desire to be truly known.

See, when I thought about that statement that my new friend made on Monday, I realized that too many people know of me, but not many people really know me. They know my name, but they don't know who I am.

It's one of the great struggles for me with being in leadership at church. I'm up on stage a lot, my email is in the bulletin as a contact, my name is listed in the annual meeting packet under "Ministry Leader" and "Community Group Leader". But while I am called to those roles right now, and I try to be fully myself as I serve in those capacities, I know that people do not always see me behind the leader role.

People who see me running the Life Together ministry don't know that I had a panic attack at the very first Life Together event I ever went to. I have social anxiety and sometimes panic in large groups. So while people think that I am this super outgoing gal, I sometimes find talking to strangers the hardest thing in the entire world.

Speaking of panic attacks, I think I had one the first time I led worship by myself. That would explain why I was shaking on stage. Don't get me wrong, I love worship, I love singing and leading people into God's presence, but sometimes I am so nervous, so scared, when Matt or Erik or George turns to me and says, "hey, would you lead this song?" No, no I don't want to lead the song. You lead the song!

I know I am called to be a worship leader, but it might be a long time before I get over that fear.


I don't share these things to say oh look at me the poor pitiful scared girl. There are other things I want people to know too: that I love to be silly and sing songs really loudly while driving my car, that I love Mel Brooks movies, that Italy is on the top of my list of places to see. Oh, lots of things. But Eugene made the point that we need to be honest about our weaknesses and be intentional in our relationships. For so many years I hid my insecurities behind false personas and manufactured confidence, and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be fully myself, but I don't always know how. How do you balance the need to be a confident leader who is not always swayed by emotions with the need to be honest and vulnerable?

Growing up I wasn't very popular, so I was pretty closed off from people. Nowadays I have more friends than I have ever had in my life, but I realize that I need to work on depth in those relationships. To be truly Christ-honoring in my relationships, I need to learn to be truly myself, for He made me the way I am because He has purposes for me to fulfill. But it is not an easy thing to learn. Too often the lingering fear and doubt remain, the little voice that says, if they really knew you, then they would reject you, just like all the rest. I can say that I don't believe that voice, but all too often the fear affects my actions.

Perhaps the greatest thing about God is that He is the only one who has searched me and known me, and the only one who truly loves me for all that I am. And it is that which gives me hope that I can learn to be fully myself, as I seek Him and live in His joy and peace.

So this is the great goal of my life:


to be fully known

and to be loved

in the depth of that knowledge.

Debt, Credit, and Overcoming Poverty, Pt. 2

One of the best things about reading Banker to the Poor was that Dr. Yunus articulated my views on economics and fiscal politics better than I ever could. It was amazing to read his opinions and realize that he had expressed in writing what I have been trying to put into a coherent sentence for years. For example:

"There is little doubt that the free market, as now organized, does not provide solutions to all social ills. It provides neither economic opportunities nor access to health and education for the poor or the elderly. Even so, I believe that government, as we now know it, should pull out of most things except for law enforcement, the justice system, national defense, and foreign policy, and let the provate sector, a "Gremeenized private sector," a social consciousness-driven private sector, take over its other functions."
"I am not a capitalist in the simplistic left/right sense. But I do believe in the power of the global free-market economy and in using capitalist tools. I believe in the power of the free market and I believe in the power of capital in the marketplace. I also believe that providing unemployment benefits is not the best way to address poverty. The able-bodied poor don't want or need charity. The dole only increases their misery, robs them of incentive and, more important, of self-respect.
Poverty is not created by the poor. It is created by the structures of society and the policies pursued by society...given the support of financial capital, however small, the poor are fully capable of improving their lives."

I have never been a fan of welfare or government involvement in people's lives and finances. I am definitely a fiscal conservative, arguing for less taxation and correspondingly, less government spending. However, I am not some hard-hearted Republican who tells everyone to just pull themselves up by their bootstraps. I do believe that as Christians we have a responsibility to combat poverty and economic injustice. But how do you do that in a society where we have perpetuated unjust social structures, where we have created a world where CEOs who fail in their jobs get paid more in their severance packages than most people make in their entire lifetime? And how do we fight against injustice while still affirming a belief in personal responsibility and empowerment over entitlement?

Every day I am online, reading up on economics, the subprime mess, credit crunch, write-downs, and all of the other shtuff that has been hitting the web since last summer. More and more I am amazed at how our economy has gotten itself twisted up in so many layers of greed and debt. Investments that were considered "safe" have become volatile to the point of illiquidity. Banks are writing down and writing off losses bigger than the GDPs of entire countries. While analysts may say, "Capital preservation, debt reduction and financial intelligence remain the hallmarks of any successful financial agenda" it is obvious that our economy and the bull market we have been riding has been built on anything but common sense. Instead we have leveraged debt in pursuit of profit and told ourselves that we really could afford those mortgage payments.

Dr. Yunus speaks at length about greed in the capitalist system. But he also makes a piercing comment:

"Somehow we have persuaded ourselves that the capitalist economy must be feuled only by greed. This has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Only the profit maximizers get to play in the marketplace and try their luck. People who are not motivated by profit making stay away from it, condemn it, and search for alternatives."

How true this is. Greed has been the primary motivation for our market economy. The profit seekers convinced money managers in the investment banks that leveraging was a good way to increase returns, not considering what would happen if the debt instruments at the bottom of their house of cards collapsed. All of these so-called "structured investment vehicles" are just examples of clever people focused only on a new way to create money out of thin air.

But it wasn't just the profit-seekers that caused this issue. Our pursuit of the "American Dream" led to insane spending. Individual borrowers stretched their budgets to the max with interest-only loans and adjustable rate mortgages, relying on the ever-increasing housing price bubble to support their desire for home ownership. Refinanace, refinanace, refinance. Refinance investments, refinance your mortgage. The same bad decisions made in the top investment banks were made in houses across the country. And it brought both groups down.

Now we have rising foreclosure rates and out of control consumer debt. The economic slowdown has led to rising unemployment rates which only puts further pressure. A quote in the New York Times sums up the downward spiral:

"You can almost draw it out in a diagram. With home prices going down, consumers cut back on spending. If consumers cut back on spending, the economy weakens further. If the economy weakens further, fewer people are able to afford mortgages so home foreclosures increase."

It's a neverending cycle, and what is most sad is that the lowest income people will suffer the most as the cycle continues.

Despite the pain, I think this market correction is a good thing. It isn't fun, but perhaps it is a necessary wake up call. If we really want a strong economy, it has to be built on actual growth, not engineered returns with a foundation of sandy debt. I don't enjoy having to explain to customers why their investments have dropped thousands, sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars in the past several weeks. And it breaks my heart to read about low-income homebuyers who have seen their lives destroyed by the subprime crisis. We have to remember that behind the word subprime is a real person with a real credit score and a real foreclosure sign in front of their home. But we also have to realize that an economy built on debt is self-destructive.

The story of Grameen bank gives us a different perspective on the use of credit in the marketplace. Instead of using debt to finance out of control spending in non-essentials, credit is used to create a strong, stable business. Borrowers are part of a support group, helping keep each other accountable to their goals and providing counsel and assistance in hard times. Status is not the focus, stability is. Their borrowing is not fueled by greed or a desire to have the most toys, but a desire to provide health for their families.

So there you have it folks-a superpower economy being destroyed by its own greed and foolishness, versus a struggling country that used capitalist principles and common sense combined with hardworking care for people to create growth and stability. It's like a tragic novel where the rich man ends up destroying himself and the poor family finds peace in their strength of character. There's so much more to say about all of this. This market is an example of what people around the world condemn in capitalism. And yet the more I reflect on this contrast-the challenge of overcoming poverty put up against our American greed-the more I agree with Dr. Yunus' challenge:

"We can condemn the private sector for all its mistakes, but we cannot justify why we ourselves are not trying to change things, not trying to make things better by participating in the economy. The private sector, unlike the government, is open to everyone, even those not interested in making a profit.
The challenge I set before anyone who condemns private-sector business is this: If you are a socially conscious person, why don't you run your business in a way that will help achieve social objectives?"

Here in America we have amazing resources of capital and intellect. Perhaps instead of using these resources to continue our cycles of debt and greed we could learn a few lessons from Dr. Yunus and our recent economic failures. Could we put aside our pride?

I'm not naive enough to think that all of the CEOs in the American economy are going to suddenly step up and acknowledge that profit making must be governed by social consciousness. But a seemingly impossible dream can be an inspiration for change, a challenge to make even the smallest adjustments that could have lasting effects on how we think about business. And so I leave you with a final quote from Dr. Yunus, a statement that, if we allowed it to truly affect our actions, could change the world:

"Social consciousness can be as burning, or even more burning, a desire as greed in the individual human being. Why not make room for those people to play in the marketplace, to solve social problems, and to lead human beings to a higher plane of peace, equality, and creativity?"

Debt, Credit, and Overcoming Poverty, Pt. 1

I was going to do this all in one post, but I realized I had way more to say.

I've been reading a lot about finances and the economy lately as I think about this whole culture of debt idea I've started on. And I also have finally been able to read Muhammad Yunus' book Banker to the Poor, which I have been waiting to get from the libary for several months now. I will go on record as saying that this book is fantastic, and I'm not just saying that because fantastic is my new favorite word. It's a great story, a great message, and I would like to personally mail copies of it to every politician in the entire country. Maybe the entire world.

What I'm saying is, read it!

If you have never heard of Dr. Yunus or microcredit organizations like Grameen or Kiva, I would recommend doing some research. To summarize, the basic premise of microcredit is that given a small capital investment, someone who is currently struggling to make ends meet could develop a business that would enable them to provide for their family and expand their trade. This business would support not only the family's daily needs but also stabilize the community and spur economic growth. The proceeds from the business would go to pay off the initial microloan and be used to finance further expansion, and the profits would pay for food, clothing, housing, and education, thereby improving the borrower's quality of life, particularly for their children.

I am fortunate to have incredible parents. They are fantastic for many reasons, but one reason is that they taught me from a very young age how to manage money. I was given an allowance and taught how to tithe, save, and choose wisely what I spent. Allowances weren't extravagant, and my parents were always very good about discussing needs versus wants, long term plans versus short term pleasure. When I was 12, they told me that since I was old enough to work, I would no longer get an allowance. (By work, they meant babysitting and paper routes, don't be thinking they were breaking child labor laws here.) So I worked on building a good clientele of parents who valued my child-managing expertise and then added a paper route when I was 13. When I was 15, I bought my first car with cash. When I was 16, I graduated high school and took on a larger route. I worked nights through college, paying my own way, with the help of scholarships and a few thousand in student loans (the loans covered the amount that tuition rose each year, the infamous 7.7% hike at SPU). While I'm no millionaire or brilliant economist, I feel pretty stable financially, able to give freely to causes I support, and splurge occasionally on theatre tickets or eating out with friends.

In a lot of ways, that allowance that my parents gave me was a huge investment in my future. That five dollars every two weeks became a way for them to teach, and a way for me to learn how to handle money. That push into the "workforce" of babysitting and paper routes taught me to be a professional, to manage my income, to utilize savings (as small as it was). Each step along the way created an opportunity: savings from my first paper route enabled me to buy that first car, which enabled me to get a larger route, which enabled me to go to college, which enabled me to get the management job at the newspaper, which enabled...so on and so forth. The investment of my parents got me started on my journey to financial independence.

In poverty-stricken countries, parents can't give their kids an allowance. They can't give their kids enough food. There is no first step on their staircase to financial independence. Yunus' stories of giving microcredit to poor mothers show how we could be giving people that first step. We could give them that first five dollars and help them utilize it. We could encourage them to find their personal skills and strengths that will create the best return on that five dollars. Then they would be able to invest, both in their children's present and their future, and thereby, the future of their country.

If you have ever read anything by Jeffrey Sachs (I highly recommend The End of Poverty as required reading for anyone interested in global economics), he will tell you that one of the basic causes of national poverty is an inability for their people to invest in future growth. Dr. Yunus' program answers that need in what was at the time a completely unique way. His stories are inspiring and show an idealism grounded in practical application. I only hope that his example will challenge others to continue working to empower people all over the world.

Part 2 is forthcoming-my last commentary on debt and the economy (at least for awhile).


For more info on microcredit around the world and here in Seattle, check these out:

Grameen

Kiva

Washington CASH

Put it on your calendar

This year I have the privilege of assisting my co-leader and friend Jeff in presenting a Depth class on Passover. We have celebrated Passover in C group for two years now and it has been a great experience. Here is a reflection I wrote on last year's Seder.

I firmly believe Passover should be part of any Lent/Easter rhythm. There is so much symbolism, so much meaning in the prophetic elements of the readings and dinner. It is more a worship service than a dinner. It's been great to be involved in celebrating these last couple of years and I am looking forward to sharing it with the larger church.

Diligent Joy

I seem to be writing a lot of book reviews lately. It's not by design-I just happened to have had a bunch of my holds at the library become available all at once, and so I have been spending a lot of time with my nose in a book. It's actually rather nice, kind of a nostalgic thing, as I grew up with my nose semi-permanently cemented in a book for many years. As a matter of fact, sometimes my parents would punish me by forbidding me to spend time in my room reading. How many parents can say that, eh?

I'm still working on my economics post, but in the meantime I just had to get this one out. I find that when I am in a writing frame of mind, I need to get a story or post on the page (whether that be paper or online) before it dies in my head.

I just finished eat pray love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I highly recommend it, especially for any girl who has ever suffered with issues of self-worth, identity, or meaning. Which is basically all of us. I don't know what it is about the female side of the human race, but we seem to have cornered the market on self-loathing and depression. Not that guys don't have these issues as well-I know that men have serious egos that need to be constantly reassured-but women seem to universally struggle with our own sense of self and worth.

Liz Gilbert, while not a Christian, has a wonderful perspective on spirituality. I am in no way a universalist, and hold very tightly to my conviction that Jesus Christ is indeed the only way to God, but I find that even in the writings of those who I don't agree with, I can find truth. In many of Liz's stories, I can see how Christ is wooing her to Himself, even though she doesn't quite recognize Him yet.

I see a lot of myself in Liz. She worries, she overanalyzes, her mind goes nonstop. Prayer and meditation is a huge struggle, as physical and mental distractions keep her from achieving anything hear a zen state. But through her journeys she begins to accept herself. In one story, she shares how she had determined to live in silence, to be "the quiet girl" because she was too talkative, only to be assigned the duty of greeting and hosting new arrivals to the Ashram she was staying at. She realizes that she is her bubbly self for a reason, that she has a service she can give to others. And through her service she finds peace, to the point that people leaving the place remark to her how they perceived her as a quiet, calming spiritual person.

One of these days, I will be perceived as a quiet, calming, spiritual person.

Another big theme of the book was healthy relationships. A few times during my reading I was struck by something that Liz experienced or a comment she made, and I heard God saying, "yep, that was for you." I choked up a little when Liz was writing about when she was in India and her friend told her:

If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll leave a vacuum there, an open spot-a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed.

I knew in reading that passage that God was telling me to let Him overwhelm me with His love, which is more fulfilling than any earthly relationship could ever be.

Not that I have ever obsessed about anyone. Ever.

Liz also comments on how she has approached men and relationships and the realization that she comes to regarding her perception of men. She says,

I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been the victim of my own optimism.

I've done the same thing and felt the same way as her. One of the biggest things I have learned about guys and relationships is that you're not going to change anyone just because you love them, and you can't expect people to be more than they are. Too often we create the perfect version of someone in our head and then expect the person to live up to that expectation. Then we are disappointed when they turn out to be a weak, flawed, wonderfully broken human being. We don't give them the grace to simply be themselves, quirks and failings and all. We do this in friendships and courtships, with our pastors and our parents, with politicians and even to ourselves. If we could just accept that we are all broken and live together through the process of becoming better versions of ourselves, knowing that this is a process that takes a lot of time and blood and sweat and tears, how much more joy we could have.

Liz's book gave me my new mantra: Diligent Joy. How true it is that Joy is not something easy to come by. It requires diligent pursuit to attain, and diligent nurture to maintain. As I pray through this Lenten season, I'm grateful to be reminded of that.

Living off Plastic

This post will be quick. I'm writing a longer post on world economics and capitalism, a topic I am woefully unqualified to speak about, but I can't help myself. I just finished reading Muhammad Yunus' Banker to the Poor. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend you do. But more on that later.

So while I was reading and researching the other day, I came across this article on the economy, and was perturbed at the following:

Len Blum, managing director and partner at Westwood Capital, said the drop in credit-card use showed that consumers were "in trouble."
"It reinforces the view that consumers are struggling with the bad housing market and tight credit. It doesn't bode well for the economy," Blum said.

Why is a drop in credit card use a problem? The fact that people are choosing to not overspend makes me think that perhaps we are realizing that living off of credit is not the wisest thing to do. Perhaps our economy needs to correct itself, needs to be based on something other than plastic debt.

Credit should not be used for financing a lifestyle beyond our means. I'll speak a little about credit in the market when I review Mr. Yunus' book, but I will say that supporting the idea of investment capital is not the same thing as buying a TV on a credit card because you just can't watch the game on a 27-inch regular TV, and have to have that new plasma now. Personally I agree with Suze Orman:

The economy isn't floundering because we aren't spending enough; it's floundering because we're spending too much, largely on credit. So do the opposite of what the government is hoping for -- it's far more important for people to boost their savings, not their spending.

So when you do eventually get that tax rebate check, do as Suze recommends and pay off some of that debt, or if you are one of the few who has no debt breathing down your neck, save the money. Or another recommendation that Suze probably wouldn't make: find a worthwhile cause to donate that check to.

Frances Taylor and Foreclosures

This story gives me hope.


When I first read the story of Frances Taylor a month or so ago I was appalled, yet unfortunately not surprised. This was not the first time I have heard of or witnessed an elderly person being exploited and robbed of their hard-won financial freedom. Working in banking sometimes gives you a unique perspective on people. A previous manager of mine used to say it was like we were looking through someone's underwear drawer, all of their dirty, embarassing secrets laid open to us. Their debts, their mistakes, their addictions. And in this case, the ability of one person to manipulate and abuse another for financial gain.

Unfortunately, we have seen an entire group of people manipulated for financial gain in this recent subprime credit catastrophe. Borrowers who had insufficient income, inflated collateral value, and a dubious credit history were sold loans by mortgage brokers and lenders out to make a killing off of them. Home ownership has become such an important part of our "American Dream" that it is easy to tell someone who can't afford a home that they should be able to afford one, that it is their right to sign their life away in pursuit of a white picket fence. A good majority of these loans have been peddled in low-income and minority areas; one study I found reported that African Americans and Latinos are three times more likely to have a subprime loan. Multiple other articles and reports I found debated this, as well as the assertion that much of the increased foreclosure rate is due to predatory lenders. Just google search "minorities foreclosure delinquency" and see what you find. While there is a lot more to say about the mess in the larger market due to the CDOs, SIVs, and other derivatives based off these subprime mortgage portfolios, certainly we might have avoided this collapse if the foreclosure rates hadn't doubled in the past year.

I don't want to beat a dead horse; certainly there is enough in the blogosphere regarding these questionable activities in the mortgage field. Personally, I am glad I work for a conservative lender that had one of the lowest exposures to subprime mortgages among all major banks (less than 3% of its portfolio). And I am even more glad to be out of the business of lending. Not having to review credit reports and debt to income statements makes me a happier person. Still I grieve for people like Frances Taylor and families who have lost their homes. And I grieve for the souls of the people who have inflicted this pain, all in the name of the almighty dollar. But I am encouraged by this group of girls who visited Frances, who sought to bring her a little joy in the midst of her suffering, knowing that they would receive nothing material in return. My thanks to Tammy Ko, her friends, and the YWCA program that helped them reach out. Thanks for being a light in Frances' world.

Registered Sales Assistant does not equal Expert

Tuesday night I was relaxing in a friend's hot tub, sipping wine and chatting about God, politics, and the financial state of the country. It was quite a fun evening. During the course of the conversation, I had apparently spouted enough information to make my friend ask if I would blog on the current market conditions: the credit crisis, the market collapse, what the heck is a CDO, etc. It is an intriguing challenge. While I have been in banking for almost five years now, this is the first time I have even attempted to understand the compexities of investing. When you are not licensed, you can't talk about details, so I never really paid attention. I knew what to listen for when talking to a client, and how to effectively refer them to a licensed financial professional.

Well, now I am the licensed financial professional, and being new to this brokerage world, I've spent a lot of time over the past few months reading and studying, preparing for licensing exams and figuring out what to say to clients when they ask about their accounts. And so I have learned that it is a big scary financial world out there.

My first boss at the bank once said to me, "You sound really confident, even when you don't know what you are talking about." He meant it as a compliment of my ability to handle new challenges, but I somewhat feel that anything I write here about investing and finances might be an example of this "strength." Certainly there is still a lot I don't understand. But while I am not an expert, I do have a lot of research, a few personal conclusions, and some interesting articles to share.

I will start with a recommendation to read this for an interesting article that has helped me understand a lot about derivatives, structured investment vehicles, and the subprime mess. Satyajit Das has worked in this part of the industry for many years, and if you have the stomach for it, his book is considered a classic on derivative trading (I actually didn't finish it. My eyes started to glaze over after a while). But the article gives a good overview.

As I put together my thoughts on all of this stuff, I will follow up with more posts in a series I am calling "Culture of Debt". In my opinion, this latest market crisis is a symptom of the bigger problem of greed that is evident in American society. While I am capitalist to the core, I believe how we go about our finances should be something we submit to God, and living in continual debt and making money off of the weakness of others is not glorifying to God. Our ambition and use of business skills must be submitted to the lordship of Christ and His love for all people.

More to come...

Celebrating Change

Today was a fantastic day.

Work was good, I went to the theatre with friends, and discovered that more than one person reads my blog. Absolutely fantastic.

I was talking with my mom last night (who, incidentally, says that my new favorite word is 'fantastic') about life, worship team, and sharing Sunday. If you weren't at the 5pm service, allow me to share the Scriptures from Isaiah that God put on my heart:

Isaiah 42: 5-9

This is what God the LORD says—
he who created the heavens and stretched them out,
who spread out the earth with all that springs from it,
who gives breath to its people,
and life to those who walk on it:
"I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness;
I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
to be a covenant for the people
and a light for the Gentiles,
to open eyes that are blind,
to free captives from prison
and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.
"I am the LORD; that is my name!
I will not yield my glory to another
or my praise to idols.
See, the former things have taken place,
and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
I announce them to you."


Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.

I shared in service that God had put these passages on my heart at the beginning of 2007, with a conviction that I was in for a year of big changes. But I also shared that the changes I expected, or wished for, were not the changes I experienced. Reflecting on the second verse in chapter 43, I realized that God knew the areas of desert and wilderness in my life better than I did. He knew where I needed to be pushed and prodded into making the changes that would bring life to my soul.

Change has never been easy for me. When I was younger, I had a lot of fear that manifested in a need to control situations. Prime example: family road trips. The only way I could handle leaving the stability of home was to have my parents provide me with a map and a detailed itinerary. I learned at a very young age how to calculate time based on distance and speed (of course, I hated story problems later in life). I would watch the road signs, compare to the itinerary, and try to predict exactly when we would arrive at our destination. No flexibility in my travel plans.

Nowadays I realize that change can be good, and that sometimes you can have a good time even when you don't know what you're doing. Take this worship leading I've been attempting the past couple of months. While I have been a singer in church since I was 13, I have never led a team of musicians before. It's a difficult thing to do. As one of my fellow leaders put it, the musicians speak a different language of keys and capos that I only slightly understand. My six months of piano lessons when I was ten years old don't really equip me to handle the job of running a worship team. So I've kind of been flying by the seat of my pants here.

But you know what? It's been awesome. Scary? Yes. Nerve-wracking? Yes. Requiring an extensive amount of prayer by myself and and my wonderful friends who have been subjected to my panic attacks? Yes. But intensely wonderful when it all comes together. Our worship team is so talented and understanding that despite my failings we have had some great worship that has reminded me why I love worship team and has also confirmed my sense of calling as a worship leader. The joy of being up on stage and looking down at a sanctuary full of people worshipping God is beyond description. While I may not be chosen to lead the 5pm team permanently, I'm ever so grateful for this opportunity to grow and be blessed by the people I serve with.

This chance to lead worship was just one of the big unexpected changes of 2007. I've blogged a bit about the job change (which is still fantastic; not only did I earn my first big bonus this month, but also a trip to Vegas). There are tons of little changes and insights and areas of growth in my life that I am grateful for. God has definitely been blessing me. So I start 2008 with the expectation of more change, but with no fear.

Well, maybe just a little.

Living in the Frog Pond

I was online today at work, checking on the markets (which tanked on the first trading day of the year, lovely) and ran across this article:

Trouble in the Frog Pond

DEAR MARGO: I know I'm not alone in being attractive, single, young, successful, fun and dateless. I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince, but it's a little depressing when not even the frogs are asking you out.
And how come when you're not even flirting with a guy and you're just having an everyday conversation, he suddenly turns all smug and acts like you're completely into him and are thinking of marriage? I cannot tell you how many times that has happened to me. It's discouraging.
What happened to guys being into girls, and possibly pursuing them? So, not only am I not getting asked out, I can barely talk to guys without it being a humiliating experience.
OK, I'm done. I just thought you and the world would like to know what it's like to be an attractive 24-year-old who's not putting out (so shoot me, I have standards) in 2007.

--- STUCK IN A WEIRD WORLD

DEAR STUCK: I think you need to meet some new frogs, I mean, guys. However you do it, change the scenery and change your circle. I'm not sure why it is that you're seemingly finding all the egomaniacs in the world, but your experience is not reflective of all that's going on out there.
Try some new affinity groups or volunteer for something that interests you. (Or . . . go to a hardware store on a Friday night.) And I salute your having standards. Putting out is not the way to connect with a great guy.

--- MARGO, ASSUREDLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter.

Well, first I thought I had better let everyone know that it wasn't me who wrote that. It may, however, have been my alter ego, my undiscovered twin, or one of the many friends with whom I have had almost the exact same conversation. I know many a girl that has had the same lament as Miss Stuck.

I could expand on the poor girl's dilemma, but I will stop myself before I get up on my soapbox and start ranting. I will say just this to all the guys out there: girls want to be pursued, with honesty and integrity, and dare I say it, with passion.

Margo recommends a change in social circles, but I don't see that in my future, so I guess you'll find me at the hardware store Friday night.

Just kidding.

Belovedness Belongs To All

Today's advent devotional from Henri Nouwen:

"Quite often out of an intimate encounter with God encounters with other human beings become possible...If you are the beloved of God, if you start thinking about other people's lives, you start realizing that they are as beloved as you are. One of the profound experiences of the spiritual life is that when you discover yourself as being the beloved son or daughter of God, you suddenly have new eyes to see the belovedness of other people.
It is very interesting because it is the opposite of what happens in the world when they say you are very special, that means you are not the same as the rest. If you win an award and they say you are different than others, then that award is valuable because not everyone gets that award. The world is saying that you are only the best when not everybody else is the best."


This little passage really struck me today because it so perfectly encapsulates my own struggle with self worth and need for achievement when I was younger (and even now, although to a lesser extent). I had the viewpoint of the world. I lived in the mentality that I was not special, not beloved, and that I had to earn the love and respect of others through my own hard work. I could not see that my belovedness came from being created by God.

One of the interesting results of my own developing self-acceptance is an increased ability to accept and love those around me. I've always been a very critical person, perhaps more on myself than others. While I will likely never be known as the most empathetic, soft-hearted person on the planet, I have a much greater capacity for tolerance, forgiveness, and forbearance than I ever had in my youth. I am more likely to be willing to get to know a person, instead of meeting them with a set of expectations or qualifications. This openness leads to a lot less disappointment, and a lot more joy.

As a response to the reading, Nouwen's advent action for today is to list our blessings, so I share the following list:

Family: Despite losing my mother at a young age, I now have a wonderful mom, the most loving dad in the world, and four fantastic brothers, plus grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who love me.
Home: Because of this wonderful family, I get to live at home with parents who have successfully made the transition to parent of adult child, which means lots of fun, home-cooked meals, no rent payment, and being woken up early in the morning by a 9 year old singing "Mele Kalikimaka."
Church: I knew when God called me to leave my childhood church, it wouldn't be easy but it would be better in the end. Quest has accepted me, loved me, and given me a place to serve and develop my spiritual gifts.
Friends: Not only do I have fantastic lifelong friends (Tenae and I just hit 18 years!) but coming to Quest has multiplied my circle of friends like the loaves and fishies of Gospel times. Every week I look forward to church and dinner following (mmm...honeydew beef...) and between C groups and Life Together I have the busiest social schedule I have ever had in my life.
Work: Despite having given up my misguided college dream of being a teacher, I have somehow found a place in the world of banking. The entire career at Large Unnamed Banking Institution has been one surprise after the other, the most recent being my new position at the brokerage. Who knew I could read the financial section of a newspaper and understand it?

There are so many other great blessings in my life: my perfect blue car, my long list of guy friends who insist on telling me how they have crushes on my girl friends, living in Seattle, the library system that supports my reading/viewing habit, lots of music to listen to and plays to go see, and now friends who like the theatre too! Oh, I could go on, but I will challenge you to make your own list. And remind you that you are beloved of God.

Deck the halls with cake and cookies

It is incomprehensible to me how much food has been delivered to my office this week. I haven't had to buy or bring lunch because there is just too much food to be had. Of course, the food consists of cake(s), cookies, chocolates, sweet breads, scones, and pretzels and nuts covered in various sweet sauces. Oh, and fruit. Have to put something healthy in there, right?

In an attempt to combat the never-ending flow of sweets, today I switched my gym membership. With the job change, my previous location was no longer very convenient, and I don't need any more excuses to skip out on exercise. I'm tired, I'm busy, I forgot my water bottle or my iPod, I really just hate being on the elliptical machine for extended periods of time. So much easier to just get on the bus and head home. Oh, and don't even talk to me about getting up early to work out. It is dark and cold, and I am lucky if I make it to work on time.

So I forced myself to make the switch and go work out today. I was gifted with a free workout with a trainer (aka marketing opportunity) so I let her put me through my paces. Boy are my hamstrings going to hate me tomorrow.

I've never been much of an athlete. I was always clumsy as a kid, tripping over my pigeon-toed feet and getting tired out easily. I wasn't flexible or graceful, and I still have never been able to do a real cartwheel. The best I ever did in athletics was in high school when I had a paper route. I would ride my bike up and down hills for an hour every day, which was enough to get me out of PE class, and that made me very happy. I never did recover from PE in 6th grade, when the entire class had to do pushups whenever someone failed to get the ball over the net in volleyball. Guess who caused many, many pushups to be doled out upon an unhappy class?

Combine my lack of athleticism with a generally poor self-image that led to emotional eating, and I was a chubby kid. I wore big T-shirts and jeans, looked super frumpy all the time, and basically accepted my lot as the ugly girl. In college my weight fluctuated as did my self-image, as I worked nights, lived off of 4 hours of sleep a day, and went through two destructive relationships. Upon entering the real world, I got a job at a desk, promptly got a high-stress promotion, and a year later I reached two hundred pounds, which put me in the obese category.

Somehow between hitting that 200 mark and going through a really tough emotional period, I realized that I had to do something to take care of myself. I was unhealthy, unhappy, and not valuing myself as a child of God. It took a time of spiritual crisis to make me realize that not taking care of myself physically was a symptom of how I viewed my worth. I didn't think I was lovable or attractive as a person, so what would it matter if I was physically attractive? No one was going to want me either way.

This was a lie I had told myself for a long time, and it took a lot to recognize it as a lie and then start living differently, living in the truth. Going to the gym became just one part of the changed life that I started to live. But it was an important part. It meant that I accepted that it was worth it for me to care what I looked like and how I felt physically. And the changes I made led to not only a fifty pound reduction in my weight, but an unmeasurable increase in my self-image.

It took a few years, but God has finally started to get it through my head that He wants me, no matter what anyone else says. And there are people who want me, who value me, who think I am lovable the way that God made me. So I should take care of my entire person-body, mind, and soul, because God values my entire person. And that means I'm back on the gym-wagon, refusing that extra piece of chocolate cake, and making sure I get some good sleep in the middle of my crazy holiday schedule.

Interpretation

I have such writer's block right now. I have a post dated Oct 28th that I still haven't published because I can't seem to get my thoughts in order, can't seem to get the flow right. Sigh...it's all this studying for these darn securities exams. Sucking the intellectual life right out of me...

I actually find myself reading the money and business sections of newspapers now. What is that about? I was never a big newspaper reader, even having worked in newspaper circulation for seven years. Front page, comics, maybe the movie reviews or something like that. Analyzing market trends and financial reports has never been my thing. I suppose I should care what's happening in the world, but I find I can never trust journalists. Nothing is without a slant, a worldview, a slightly skewed perspective.

Skewed perspectives...I have enough problems with those. Lately I've been trying to learn not to attempt interpretation of the words and actions of others. I invariably find myself horribly wrong and terribly disappointed. I may wear my emotions on my shirt sleeves a lot, but other people can be so unreadable, so easy to misunderstand. A look, a word, a touch...no, that didn't mean a thing. Not a thing.

My mother always says that no matter your intentions, you have to think about how other people will interpret your actions. You can't simply act without thinking about the effect that you will have on the people you interact with. It is important to guard your own heart, but also to guard the hearts of others. I think my mom is right. We could all learn to be more considerate of others' reactions to our words and deeds.

All that to say, I'm going to try to not interpret things. In financial planning, if someone doesn't fully explain their financial situation, you have to assume that the customer has no other resources, nothing but what they tell you. You can't guess, intuit, assume, conjure up something other than the plain facts that they disclose. I think I need to do that with people. Not make up their backstories, but simply wait for the truth to be told. I need to invite disclosure, not create a person from a perception. My mind wants to be constantly analyzing and planning for possibilities, but I need to just accept what is and let God deal with the rest. It is a continual struggle for me, but maybe in a decade or two, it will get easier.

Back to studying now, and maybe one of these days I will finish that other blog post. Maybe not. I've got to move on. In more ways than one.

Nice. They apparently didn't take into account that the post about sex was telling you not to dwell on it. So misunderstood...

Further Adventures at Large Unnamed Banking Institution (LUBI)

Yesterday was my last day as the Customer Service Manager for the Pioneer Square branch of LUBI. My leaving the branch came as a shock to quite a few people, including myself. But in reflecting over how I got to this point, I suppose it's not really that surprising.

Now, don't get worried. I am not wandering the abyss of unemployment just yet. I was actually offered another position in another department of LUBI. So Monday I begin my life as a sales assistant in our investments and insurance division, doing operations for a financial advisor who serves the wealth management group. I'll have an opportunity to get my full set of investment and insurance licenses and learn a whole new side of the banking industry. And there's a whole set of other benefits to the job, mainly the fact that I will no longer have to work 50 hours and get paid for 40. Long description made short: I went from being a manager to being an assistant, and I'm making more money. How's that for a smart career move?

This position isn't something I sought out. I didn't even know it existed until the aforementioned financial advisor called me up and asked me to apply. While I have always had an interest in investments, I had not planned on leaving branch land for some time (unless, of course, some wealthy, handsome, young Christian man of good moral character swept me off my feet and told me I could do volunteer work for the rest of my life). I had an idea of where I would go next, what my next job would be, all of that. I felt that this would be my last year as a CSM, but thought I knew where I was going.

Wrong!

This reminds me of when I was in college. I had life all figured out: I was studying to be a teacher and I was not going to be one of those kids who didn't ever use their degree. I knew who I was going to marry and how many kids we were going to have and what I wanted to name them. Where I would work, how long I would work before I would have kids, when I would go back to work after the kids were in school, you name it. All planned, in a nice neat package.

And, you guessed it, I was wrong!

See, God has this funny way of changing things on me. You may remember from my birthday post how my life now is not at all what I had planned. I guess God got a laugh out of reading that one and decided to mix things up again. Just a few weeks later and my life is in major transition. Always keeping me on my toes, that guy.

One of these years I am going to write a book, the title of which shall be: Dear Lord, My Lap is Sore From All the Things You've Dropped In It. In this book I shall remind the reader that when opportunities come our way, we have to prayerfully consider them, and then throw caution and perfectly laid plans to the wind and go for it. Too often we are so protective of our own comfort zone to see the possibilities out there. I hate the stress of change as much as the next control freak, but I have learned that relaxing and letting God lead makes you a much happier person. Yesterday, even in the midst of all the last-day emotions, I felt such a deep peace about my decision. I am so grateful that God has blessed me with another opportunity to learn to trust His plan instead of mine and I'm excited to see what the next few months and years have in store.

25 cents worth of experience

Well, today is my 25th birthday. I have to say, first of all, that where I am and who I am at this particular part of my life isn't at all what I expected. That being said, I have to say that where I am and who I am is better than I could have imagined.

Now, don't think I am tooting my own horn. (You know, I don't think I have ever actually typed "tooting" before.) The only reason I like where I am is because God has brought me here. And I only like who I am because I have begun, ever so slightly, to look at myself through God's eyes. If it weren't for Him, I suppose I'd be rather unhappy.

If you had asked me ten years ago what I thought my life would look like at 25, I could have told you easily: married, maybe 2 kids, teaching part time, living in a little house in Kent, the quaint suburban mom lifestyle. I would be going to the same church I grew up in, leading the preschoolers in worship every Sunday, ready to live out my life exactly the same way forever.

If you know me at all, that is not who I am. I am single, with a career in banking (of all things), active in a semi-emergent, slightly-liberal church up in Seattle (where the entire rest of my family does not go), partying until midnight at least once a week. Not what I had envisioned.

But I love it.

There is a quote I love from St. Augustine's Confessions, that I always remember when things end up differently than I had imagined: "You did not give her what she was then asking, so You could give her what she was always asking." God knows the desires of our hearts better than we do, and sometimes He gives us exactly what we need, even when we didn't know we needed it. Having this life of the single young professional has been good for me, and the opportunities I have had to serve at Quest, in my job, and at home with my family have been invaluable. I don't think I have ever had this many friends (as evidenced by the crowd that showed up at my birthday party) but not only do I have the quantity, I have the quality. These aren't just acquaintances, these are truly meaningful friendships that have added so much life to my life.

Maybe in another ten years I will have the life of wife, mother, volunteer. Maybe not. Maybe God has more for me to learn, to experience, before I start that part of my journey. I've learned to be open to what He gives me. To enjoy every day for what it is, and leave what could be to God. It's a lot of fun.

Some evidence of the fun at the party:

Sometimes, you have to stay home from church


Today was a good day. Usually Mondays are pretty crazy, especially working in a bank. And since I rarely have quiet weekends these days, I start Monday morning already exhausted. Today I didn't have to be at work until 10am, and I didn't have to show up at my branch. I've been asked to be part of a new leadership team at work, so I had a meeting at my district manager's office. I am really excited about the opportunity--what I will learn, what I will be able to teach, and where this will take me in my banking career at the Large Unnamed Banking Institution.

After the meeting I was given the opportunity to do a presentation at New Employee Orientation for my region. This was a surprising honor, since usually they only ask district managers and experienced branch managers to talk to the fresh blood. I think I am the first Customer Service Manager to ever do this presentation. And since it only takes a couple of hours, I got off before 3pm and headed home in the sunshine. Nice.

So, a short day full of good things. Lately a lot of good things have been happening at work, even though it has been insanely busy. Life in general has been insanely busy. I've been going, going, going, all day, every day. I figured out that I haven't had a free day in two months, basically since I got back from vacation.

This is why last Sunday I stayed home from church. Now, this is very unlike me. I don't think I've missed church since I chose to stay at Quest. But for one day I just needed to sit, at home in my pajamas, with nothing to do but play on the computer, watch TV, tickle my brothers, and chat with my parents. And unfortunately, that particular Sunday was the only foreseeable day in the near future not already booked.

The things I am doing are good things. Church functions, C group parties, family get-togethers, work opportunities. I'd hate to have to give any of it up. At the moment, I don't think I have to, as long as I make some space for a bit of rest and quiet time. It's just that sometimes I get going and it's weeks or months before I realize that I haven't stopped to breathe for days. I suppose I am learning to be more self-aware, to overcome my natural workaholic tendencies while still embracing who I am.

I wasn't at church this weekend either, but for a different reason: I was having services on a beach at Deception Pass with a C group from Quest. While not an official sermon, our Scripture reading and time of worship and meditation were great. It was a fun weekend, and while I am a little tired and sunburnt, I don't regret jumping right back into a busy schedule. It was definitely worth it.

So much good stuff is going on, including my 25th birthday in less than two weeks. So I don't think my calendar will open up too much the next few months, but I am going to try to make some space in it for rest, so I don't have to keep skipping church. ;)

Faceless

What if you and I were
Faceless
You couldn't know me
By my eyes, nose, curls,
The color of my skin

If you had to ask
To know
My ancestors were here
For years before
My other ancestors came
Conquered
Loved

If I had to smile
With words
My eyes not enough
To tell you
"I love you" or
"You hurt me"

What would you think
Of me
If only my voice
Singing
(as I always am)
Were the only thing
You knew me by.

What would I think
Of you?

Home Alone


I used to think I was an introvert. I tended to bottle up emotions, was a bit of a loner at school, never had big parties or got asked out. (I still never get asked out, although I am pretty sure this guy was hitting on me last night at Century Ballroom.) Anyway, I have found the last few years as God has worked some healing in my heart that I am actually an extrovert. In my natural state, I wear my emotions on my shirtsleeve, love to talk with people, and have fun at parties (as long as I don't have an anxiety attack!).

That being said, I am finding solitude is not my favorite situation. Perhaps this is why I live at home with my grandma, parents, four brothers, and the dog. While this can lead to a lot of craziness, it's actually a ton of fun. There is always someone to talk to, and when I come home, there are people to welcome me. But this week my entire family has taken off to visit relatives in Iowa, leaving me here with the dog. The dog is insane, but she doesn't yet talk to me, so I'm pretty much alone.

This same trip happened a few years ago, but that was under very different circumstances. I was in college, working nights, taking summer classes, and generally overworked and underslept. I was also in a rather depressed time of life, so coming home to an empty house every day and immediately curling up in a bed seemed perfectly natural. Nowadays, the empty house is still depressing, but I no longer wish to live in that permanent fetal position.

So I'm happy that my dad is flying back on Tuesday, and that I have plans with friends the next few days until then. And I will be ecstatic when the family comes home. Yes, it will bother me when I can't find a quiet place to have a conversation on the phone because my brothers are running around killing each other with lightsabers. And I will still roll my eyes when my mom talks about how I am never home enough and need to come help in the garden. But I will be ever so grateful for my family, for a house full of love and excitement.

The mental energy required to even consider all of these things...


Well, I haven't blogged in a while. I had a good thing going there, blogging every two to three weeks, which in my crazy schedule is pretty consistent. I was blogging on life, community groups, sermons. I even got a couple of comments (so I know that at least two or more people read my blog). Yeah, good stuff.

But I have been absent from the blogging world these past few weeks. And looking at my life over the past month, one can understand why I haven't taken the time to sit at the computer and type:

~Right before my vacation, I was actually helping run four branches at LUBI. Yeah, four. Because apparently my branch is the only one in the area that can hire, train, and retain staff. Okay, I shouldn't be so hard on them, they've been through some hard times, I know. But come on.
~Then I went on vacation, which was glorious. Laid by the pool, took walks on the beach with my best friend, stayed up late drinking wine and watching Wonderfalls (Tenae is always getting me hooked on these great shows that only ran for a season or two). I was way too relaxed to even think about jumping on a computer and typing away.
~Came back from vacation and found out that I still had to help run those other branches, sending staff away and training new staff at my branch. I love the training part of my job, but it is a lot of work, and I was coming home kind of exhausted. That, and I am getting ready for an audit, which anyone who knows me knows is a cause of major stress and worry and panic.
~Got ROBBED at LUBI. Can't share any details, cuz the FBI is on the case, but understandably a traumatizing experience. This was only my second robbery, and the last one happened while I was in the bathroom. Not this one. This was right in front of me. Experienced the longest split-second of my life. Kind of an emotional basketcase for the rest of the week.
~Same day as the "incident" (that's official LUBI jargon for traumatizing robbery) we received the diagnosis for my grandma's anemia and weakness. She has something called MDS, myo-dysplastic something or other. Basically, it leads to leukemia. So, she has to have chemo-like drugs and blood transfusions and who knows what else to try to keep her cells from developing cancer. Cancer is not a word I have ever had to deal with in my family. Alzheimer's, heart disease, diabetes, stroke, all that good stuff. But never cancer.

So my emotional and mental energy has been a little low lately. And now my family is off to Iowa for three weeks to visit the relatives, which leaves me here with the dog (my dad didn't leave right away with the rest because of work, so I have had a few good days of father-daughter time, which has been a huge blessing, but he leaves this week). I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing-I'm kind of an external processor, and it is beneficial for me to come home and have people to talk to, especially my mom, who lets me blabber on about my work stress and then always has a rational-yet-comforting comment. At the same time, maybe I need some quiet, some time with just me and God, a space where I can't hide behind words but have to be real about how I am feeling. Because God knows, knows better than anyone how I am really feeling. Lately I haven't even had the mental energy to figure that out.

Most of my blogs have some good closing paragraph, some well-crafted concluding sentence that makes a point or makes you think (I hope). That's me trying to be a good writer, I suppose. But today, I have no conclusions, no perspective, no deep, profound pontification. Just me, laid open at God's feet.

Why we pray in C group

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. Matthew 18:20


It's no secret that we're big on community groups at Quest. The thriving small groups at Quest were one of the reasons I was so eager to join the church. Last year, I was mildly infamous for attending two C groups faithfully (it can be done, although I was a little less busy with other responsibilities in those days). Some of my best friends have come from those two groups, friendships that might never have come about without the weekly time of fellowship.

C groups are more than just fellowship, though. They are about learning and discussion, tough debates and 'aha' moments. It's not always comfortable, and it can be challenging to be vulnerable, to be open to other people's ideas, needs, hangups. In the Renovare group, we read things that we don't agree with, or that half of us agree with and the other half vehemently opposes. Some of our best nights have been the hardest, when we wrestled with deep, complicated topics like the nature of sin and what it means to live as a new creation.

Perhaps the most important part of C group, however, is prayer. We talked alot about making prayer a priority at the beginning of the season, and have tried to structure our meetings to make space for sharing requests and praying for each other, either in a large group or individually. We're not always consistent though, and sometimes prayer is an afterthought.

But last night was a different story. After our big Passover project we felt like taking a rest, so we decided to devote the entire night to fellowship and prayer. Jeff pulled out his Celtic Book of Prayer and took us through some directed prayer time. He would read a prayer, and then we would pray on the topic of that prayer with a partner or in a small group. We prayed for almost two solid hours.

It was incredible.

Now, I've never been really strong in my prayer life. Honestly, it is a real struggle for me to sit and pray for more than a few minutes. My mind wanders, I get restless. I more easily experience God in worship (side note: Worship on Easter Sunday was awesome). Meditation and contemplation and seven storey mountains have never been my strong suit. But last night's prayer time was intensely wonderful. The presence of God was palpable in the room.

There is something spiritually powerful in the prayer of a group of believers. Perhaps this is why Christianity is not an individual sport. While times of solitude can be necessary, and a beneficial discipline during seasons of one's life, God has said from the beginning that it is not good for us to be alone. But being in community goes far beyond sitting quietly next to each other at Sunday service. When we pray with and for each other we make space for God to move in mighty ways. We strengthen our respective faith in God's power by speaking words of hope and confidence; we bring comfort by praying over a difficult season of stress or grief. Another Christian's experiences and discoveries with Jesus can give an entirely new perspective on the issues we are facing. It is simply impossible to pray for yourself what another person can pray for you.

I felt so refreshed after that prayer time. Even today, which was not the easiest of days (my computer decided it didn't want to work anymore, which made me rather less effective in my job) I was reminded of the prayers that were said for me, and they helped me work past my frustrations. My circumstances are not significantly different than they were yesterday, but the comfort and confidence I gained from praying with my C group has given me the spiritual and emotional strength to tackle whatever comes. And I know that continued faithfulness to prayer will lead to lasting changes in my circumstances, as God works in situations in my life and the lives of those around me.

Passover

One of my favorite clients is a lawyer of Jewish heritage. Last year about this time I was helping him with his accounts and the subject of Passover came up. (Incidentally, it is interesting how my faith comes into conversations at the LUBI. In general, I have to keep pretty quiet about it so as not to seem like I am proselytizing the clients, but opportunities still arise, and sometimes clients ask me outright about my faith.) My client was surprised that I was celebrating Passover even though I am not Jewish. I explained to him that the Jewish heritage is my heritage, as I am part of Christ's family, and He was Jewish. Since He celebrated Passover with his disciples, I figure celebrating with my fellow Christians is simply part of being in God's family.

Many churches over the years have incorporated a Passover meal into their Maundy Thursday celebration. But Passover is about more than just reenacting Jesus' last few days on earth. In following the Haggadah, the telling, we are recalling the prophetic nature of the original Passover, and celebrating how Jesus' life and death so completely fulfill those prophecies. We repeat the same prayers and read the same Scriptures that Hebrews have prayed for centuries, but with the knowledge that Christ has come to fulfill the hope inherent in the Seder. For a Christian, Passover is a worship service, an opportunity to praise God for his deliverance, both for the Israelites and for us as well.

Symbolism is dominant in Passover, both in the words of the Haggadah as well as the elements of the Seder plate. The greatest symbol is perhaps the matzah itself, the dominant element in the service. This unleavened bread (and leaven represents sin) is striped, pierced, and during the service, broken, hidden, found, and eaten. It is this found matzah (called the afikomen) that Christ uses for communion (the wine of communion is also an integral part of the Seder). He tells His disciples that He is this bread, the bread of life, and as we look back at the history of Good Friday and Easter, we see that the whole of Christ's redemptive work is symbolized by this broken piece of flatbread. And as my friend Jeff reminds us, the Hebrew word for bread is also the Hebrew word for life.

It was a privilege to again celebrate Passover with my community group, and I'm grateful to Jeff for teaching on the meaning of Passover during the weeks leading up to our Seder. We are hopeful that next year we will be able to lead the entire church in celebrating the Seder on Maundy Thursday, perhaps with a depth class for the preceding weeks to help celebrants realize the depth of meaning in the elements of the Haggadah. Passover is an amazing experience for a follower of Christ, a chance to see the Eucharist not merely as a Christian sacrament, but in the perspective of God's redemptive plan through the Hebrew people. Studying and celebrating Passover has better informed my faith in Christ, and reminded me that God was seeking my redemption and the redemption of all people long before He sent His Son to this earth.

As I reflect on Christ's redemptive work on Good Friday and Easter, I am grateful for the chance to add the truths of Passover to those reflections.

Talking About Sex

My pastor recently completed a six-week series on 'God's Ethics of Intimacy'. We've been studying through Colossians, and instead of a quick gloss over the verse on sexual immorality, he took the time to delve into what it really means to submit our sexuality and our relationships to God and His plan for our lives. However, despite listening intently all six weeks, I was not setup with an arranged marriage as P.E. promised us for faithful attendance. Oh well.

I also just read Lauren Winner's book, Real Sex. (I recommend Lauren Winner's memoir, Girl Meets God to pretty much anyone I meet.) It is an excellent book, and required reading for anyone struggling with the concept of chastity, its meaning and importance. It is very realistic but also scriptural, and she pulls no punches about the necessity of chastity.

But to be honest with you, I'm pretty much sick of talking about sex. And I'm not even sure it's healthy to keep thinking about it so much. Wisdom and experience tells us that the more we dwell on something, the more likely we are to act on it, for good or bad. Does all this constant discussion open us up to more temptation?

Perhaps this is why historically the Christian community has tried to stay away from talking about sex. We literally flee temptation. The problem is, in our culture, you can't get away from it. Sex is everywhere. You can't watch a "family" show on television without being bombarded by ads for R-rated movies and sexy new shows featuring couples stripping off their clothes. I can't even check evite without a Victoria's Secret ad popping up. With four younger brothers in the house, I have to cover half the screen with my hand to try to protect them. You don't need to seek out porn on the internet: pinups are there for everyone to see (one of the benefits of switching to gmail: no picture ads!).

In our house, we constantly have to be on purity patrol with our entertainment choices. My brothers know that when a sexually explicit ad comes on, they are to avert their eyes while my mom runs for a pillow to cover the screen or digs for the remote to change the channel. But I'm sad that the message my brothers are getting is that the human body, particularly the female body, is something to hide from. My parents do a great job of explaining that the reason we cover up is because the body is sacred, that we are to cherish it, and enjoy it in the context of marriage. But still, they can't even get the mail without the possibility of an ad or catalog directly contradicting my parents' message.

Fleeing the conversation about sexuality has its own drawbacks. Not talking about it makes sex seem like a bad thing, or that the body itself is sinful. In Real Sex, Winner talks about our present-day Gnosticism in the church that seeks to make all sexual impulses seem evil. This view contradicts our entire creation as humans. And it is true that if we don't have the discussion about the Biblical view of sexuality Christians will only have the culture to teach them how to act. Not many people are as fortunate as I am to have parents who taught me from an early age about making good decisions in relationships (not that I haven't made my share of mistakes in spite of their warnings, but that is another discussion entirely). It is the place of the church to exegete God's plan for us as complete human beings: body, soul, and spirit.

But we also need to be very aware of our own weaknesses and tendencies, and take steps to protect ourselves. For example, I was chatting with a friend last Sunday about dancing, and I told him about the salsa lessons I'm taking. He shared with me that one of the reasons he chooses swing over salsa is because of the sensual nature of latin dancing. The moves and holds are something he personally feels is inappropriate and an area where temptation could creep in.

I can't say how much I respect that. That level of thoughtfulness and honesty is something I can learn from. Yes, some people might pooh-pooh his choice, saying that dancing is "no big deal" and he shouldn't be so uptight. But he is being honest, and following through on his conviction to keep himself pure. Jesus told us that adultery is not limited to the act of sex, that looking lustfully after another person violates the spirit of the law (Matthew 5:27-28). Lust can begin as a simple thought, and in the sexually charged environment of dancing, it is easy to let those thoughts take hold.

I'm not saying that my dancing friends and I should stop going out to Century Ballroom. And I'm not saying we should stop having good discussions about how best to seek after purity and chastity in our lives. But I am saying that everyone needs to be honest about their own weaknesses and take steps to protect their own soul. Jesus went on to say in Matthew 5: "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell" (v.29). Maybe giving up salsa dancing is a good tradeoff if it keeps your mind pure.

Maybe we need less talking about sex and more about honoring each other as complete persons. Maybe there should be less talking about relationships and more talking during relationships. I don't think there is an easy solution. It is a constant battle every day to conform our wills to God's, in thought as well as deed. But I think a spirit of honest evaluation and humble acceptance of our limitations will go a long way. I know for myself, I need to take a break from all this sex talk.

Perspective


It still amazes me at times that I work in banking. I remember a conversation a few years ago where I declared that I was not a "business" person. I was a teacher, a writer, an English major. No interest in sales, numbers, or staying calm while a customer yells about how it is the bank's fault that he decided to go wild with his check card over the weekend. How times have changed. This month marks my four-year anniversary with LUBI (Large Unnamed Banking Institution), where I am known for memorizing account numbers and large portions of the operating procedures manual.

It certainly has not been an easy four years. There have been many ups and downs, and while I have worked with some amazing people and made great friends (both coworkers and customers) I have also struggled with a lot of failure, stress, and bewilderment at why God decided I should be counting money and notarizing affidavits for a living. There have been days, and one month in particular a couple of years back, when I have thought that perhaps this banking thing was not for me, and I should go back to applying for administrative assistant positions.

Lately that thought has come back to nag me. The last few weeks have been hard at work. A minor incident with a teller opened up a whole can of worms, including an issue with a previous manager whom I could not stand and is no longer with the bank. I was enraged to discover that this manager had left something negative in my file that I had never seen nor had a chance to dispute. I've been having to defend myself while still showing an openness to grow and learn, which is a difficult balancing act, I can assure you. Worse still, I have been worrying about how my current managers perceive me, considering that these people are the ones deciding my promotion prospects. Talk about angst.

You see, I have always struggled with needing the approval of others. Ever since I was little, and I would immediately ham up when a camera was turned on me, I have been worrying about my appearance and what others thought of me. This insecurity has taken many forms over the years, but it continually comes up, in my friendships, my work, at church. And while I have learned to identify it and work against it, this natural tendency hampers my ability to focus on simply doing what needs to be done, to the best of my ability.

A friend of mine gave me an interesting book a couple of years ago called Now, Discover Your Strengths. It is one of many business/leadership/sales/customer service/self-help/make-yourself-a-better-person-so-they-pay-you-more books that I own or have read over the last few years. This book comes with a "strengths finder" survey, and of course, I loooove surveys, so I was eager to take it. One of my apparent strengths is termed "Connectedness" or the ability to see "the purpose beyond our humdrum lives". A person with this strength knows that things happen for a reason, and that no matter how confusing the present circumstances, the meaning behind it all will eventually become clear.

So last week I called on this strength in considering my current situation at work, trying to understand why everything has been so emotionally frustrating lately. Here I was thinking I was doing so well, hoping for a raise and a promotion and generally feeling great about my status at LUBI with my coworkers. Then all this shtuff hits the fan and shatters my confidence. And in a moment of clarity, I realized, that was a good thing. My striving for approval, combined with my perfectionism, had led me to find too much self-worth in my job, self-worth that can only be found in Christ. Through the negative events of the last few weeks, God was reminding me that reliance on my own abilities or my standing with my managers will never bring me internal peace or satisfaction at work.

Thinking and praying through this realization has helped me to rediscover some perspective. I can't be confident in my position or status at work, because I never know when something will go wrong. I could make a huge mistake next week that could cost me my job. I could also get called up and offered a promotion. I don't know. All I know is that no matter what happens at LUBI, God still loves me, and He approves of me, no matter what my annual review says.