The Secret Life of Daydreams

Oh, hi there…

2011-07-23T11:08:00.001-07:00

It has been quite awhile since I’ve dusted off the blog. Work and life in general have been so insane lately that I am lucky if I have time and energy to cook a healthy meal, let alone blog about it. The past six months have been a rollercoaster, at the Large Unnamed Banking Institution, at home with my health and money matters, and in our social life as we try to balance our need for rest with our desire to see friends and family as often as possible.

But I turned 29 yesterday, and if that isn’t a good time for some thoughtful reflection, then what is? Besides the 30th birthday (eep!) coming up next year. Anywho, this week I received an amazing compliment from a coworker, a fun gal who is not that much younger than me. She said that she would like to be in as good of a place as I am on her 29th birthday.

And I thought, wow, yeah, I am in a damn good place, aren’t I?

Yes, this has been an incredibly stressful year at LUBI. But it’s also probably my last, as I plan my retirement from corporate America and my foray into the world of housewifery. No, my health has not been the greatest, but we have been sustained through some life-threatening moments and now have a good plan to keep me symptom-free. Beyond that, we have had some words of encouragement from many prayer partners who have reminded us of God’s promises and assured us that this season of struggle will soon make way for a time of freedom and peace. Our financial situation has improved such that we have no debt except that tied to our house, and we are able to live off Jer’s salary alone. We’re hoping to start a family sometime soon, an idea which sends both my mother and mother-in-law into fits of ecstasy. And through all the highs and lows, I have been gifted with an amazing husband, who is loving, caring, patient, and strong.

God is good, and His mercies endure forever.

So yes, I may be entering the last year of my twenties, which some would say represents the end of my youth. But when I look back at how I have grown and how I have been blessed, I am happy to say that life is better now than it has ever been. I have faith that not only will 29 be the best year of my life, but that it will be followed by many more years filled with the goodness of God.

All Will be Well

2011-03-14T20:20:00.001-07:00

I haven't felt much in a writing mood lately. Haven't even been putting stuff up on Jerbecca. It's been a tough few weeks. Over a span of a few days we lost many people in our lives-coworkers and friends lost a mother, a grandfather, and a niece, and my in-laws lost a cousin and a dear friend. Both of Jer's grandmas have had bad falls, and his dear aunt Stephanie, one of my favorite Anderson relatives, had emergency surgery. Praise God she and the grandmas are recovering well.

In the midst of all this I have had a relapse of the virus that put me in the hospital a few months ago (not as bad, but still distressing), work has been extremely stressful, and now we are faced with the tragedy in Japan and the losses not only in the past few days bt still to come, as rescue workers are still searching and nuclear reactors are still melting.

Despite all this, we have hope. God is good, grief passes, healing comes. I've been watching this video all weekend, and it has been a great comfort. I hope it is to you as well.

The Opiate Mass from The Other Journal on Vimeo.

All will be well. All manner of things will be well.

Dear Body. You're Pretty Cool.

2011-01-20T08:17:00.000-08:00

I've been pondering my new year's post for three weeks now. Work has been insanely busy and making time for family and friends never stops, and I've got to sleep, so blogging has been low on the priority list.

Fortunately, I ran across a post yesterday in my skimming of my Google Reader that captures what I think my resolution should be:

Dear Body...from now on, I'm going to listen to you. When you ask for food, I'm going to feed you what you need. When you tell me you're tired, I will rest. When you want to move, we'll do something that brings us both energy and vitality. And when you need a break, I'll give you one.
I don't care what you weigh. I don't care what your pant size is. I don't care if you have scars and stretch marks and pimples. You still deserve to be respected.
Dear Body, as far as I'm concerned, you're pretty cool and I'm glad I'm stuck with you. Thanks for putting up with all the garbage I've put you through. You deserve better and that's what you're going to get from now on.

Read the whole thing here.

To a wonderful 2011!

Coming Back to the Land of the Living

2010-12-15T12:03:00.000-08:00

Whew.

You know that verse that talks about not planning for tomorrow, for you don't know what life will bring? The past three weeks have been a good reminder of that principle. A couple of days before Thanksgiving I was planning the family meal and thinking ahead to the Christmas shopping I would be doing the weekend after. Those plans never quite materialized though, as I came down with a rare illness that landed me in the hospital. It's halfway through December now, and while I am past the worst of it, I am still recovering my strength, and this month is definitely not shaping up the way I had intended.

But that's okay. I'm grateful for my recovery, which according to my doctors is better than they expected. I'm blessed to have family and friends who supported us through the dark days with their prayers and help. I am overwhelmed by the love of my husband, who tended to me so faithfully both in and out of the hospital, and still managed to make me feel beautiful and treasured even when horribly sick.

Most of all, I am in awe of my Lord and Savior, who sends us His Spirit to comfort us in the midst of trials. Even when I was feeling my worst, when the fever was raging and the pain was extreme, I had a deep peace ministering to me, reminding me that God works all things together for good. I knew that I would be okay, despite the dicey situation I was in, because I had a reassurance in my soul that the Lord wasn't done with me yet, that this was simply another battle that He had already won on the Cross, and that I would see the victory here on earth as it is in heaven. I hold firm to the promises that have been spoken to us, that we are winning the war against the eczema that I have battled for so long, that this extreme situation was a last stand of the devil, and I do not need to fear, for my God has redeemed me, body and soul.

I've read a lot of encouraging words and listened to a lot of good songs during this time, but one has stood out to me: 'Our God' by Chris Tomlin. This has become my mantra:

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Nothing can separate us from the awesome, powerful love of God. Hallelujah!

Beauty

2010-10-27T20:30:00.001-07:00

One of the blogs I follow is Crunchy Betty, who always has fun ideas for natural homemade skin care concoctions. Making my own skin care has become a new hobby of mine, as I learn about the dangers of the chemicals in conventional products and see results from new essential oils and giving up shampoo. Today though as I skimmed my Google Reader (quite full of unread posts as Jer and I were gone for the weekend celebrating our anniversary) I came across Leslie's post on beauty, and her struggles with weight and self-image. This is a struggle I can relate to, having gone through years of being the fat, frizzy-haired girl who never got a second look from the guys, to a diet-and-workout obsessed girl finally experiencing what it was like to be thin, to a woman now who has been dealing with health issues that have caused all that weight previously lost to come back with a vengeance. Right now I am working on my health and trying not to worry about my weight, but I will admit that having a loving husband is one the biggest reasons why I am not wallowing in a sea of self-pity and loathing. He encourages me and reminds me that I am beautiful, and truly, when I am held in his gaze I am the most beautiful woman in the universe.

But even so, I need posts like Leslie's to remind me of how far I have come, and how important it is to support each other in our quest for self-love. I'd encourage you to check out the post, as well as the comments. Whether you are struggling yourself with these issues or know people who could use some encouragement, it's a good discussion. Someday I hope to have daughters and I pray that I will be able to guide them through the process of learning to accept themselves as beautiful creatures, beloved of God, designed for a purpose and a destiny.

Am I Really That Unusual?

2010-10-01T09:37:00.001-07:00

I was chatting with a woman yesterday, someone I had never met, who also works in the banking industry. She's probably 5 years older than me, very polished, seems successful in her career. I don't know anything else about her. We were talking about life and careers and marriage and I mentioned that I probably won't be working in banking in another year or two. She asked why, and I said that I was planning to have kids in a couple years. She turned a surprised face to me and asked incredulously, "you could stay home?" as if that was the most shocking thing she had ever heard. Why yes, I am a fairly successful woman in business and I would rather be a stay at home mom.

We continued to chat with the other woman there and a reference was made to life at home and how if I wasn't going to work every day I could "make a nice dinner" for my husband. I said that I already love to cook for him, and that the night before I had made butternut squash ravioli from scratch. At this, the woman's jaw hit the floor and she said, "who are you?" Somehow it was inconceivable that I would choose to head home from work, roast a squash, knead pasta dough, saute mushrooms, and put it all together for dinner. Yeah, that was one of my more elaborate meals, but I make dinner almost every night, unless I am really tired or busy, and then Jer steps in and cooks me a tasty frittata.

Am I really that odd? My perception is that there are thousands, maybe millions of successful women who every night leave work, pick up their kids, and make a nice meal for their family. It might take effort and planning, but they make it happen. I also know for sure that I am not the only gal out there who is or will be satisfied being a stay at home mom. The blogosphere is more than enough evidence of that. So why was I such a surprise to this woman?

The Spiritual Side

2010-09-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

Oh, poor blog. I fear I've been neglecting my blog here at Secret Life of Daydreams in my enthusiasm for my posts at Jerbecca, where I've been going on about our diet changes and homemade toiletries and tasty recipes. Lately I've been feeling the tug to post back here but haven't been sure how to delineate topics between both blogs.

My current plan is to continue posting on kitchen and health related matters over there and use this blog for reflections on religion, politics, and the economy. I haven't said much about the economy lately, but boy was I surprised when I read the headline proclaiming that the recession had ended last summer. Far as I can tell, the unemployment rate is pretty darn high and the national debt is deeper than the Mariana Trench. I also read a scary article the other day about how even though it appears that American consumar debt is falling, a large portion of the decrease is coming from loans being charged off by banks as borrowers go into foreclosure. With the economy not showing any concrete signs of recovering, it's no wonder that pundits are predicting a huge turnover in Congressional staff this fall.

Speaking of politics, did you hear about Stephen Colbert testifying before the Senate? Jer and I listened to some of it on the radio this morning, and it's pretty darn funny. He tiptoes on the line between satire and contempt, but he makes some interesting points. Immigration is one of those areas that really gets my dander up-I firmly believe that we should be preventing illegal immigration, but I also believe that as Christians we are called to help the stranger and the foreigner, those who are experiencing oppression and injustice. Until we get our system fixed to empower people instead of entangle them in bureaucracy and let the needy slip through the cracks we will continue to have lawmakers who react to the problem with laws that penalize the needy instead of providing real solutions.

But enough of my soapbox. What was really on my heart when I started this post was the spiritual side of all these changes we have been making over at Chateau Anderson. On the surface it would seem that my entire focus is on what I can do in my own power to heal my conditions. I haven't talked much about the spiritual aspect of our journey. You see, I firmly believe that the Holy Spirit is active in the world today, and we can experience healing of physical, emotional, and mental wounds and disease through prayer and the life of Christ that is in us. We are children of the most high God, who formed us and loves us and does not desire that any of us should suffer.

And yet I don't believe that we should merely pray and go on with our lives expecting that there will be no consequences for what we eat or how we live. I believe that modern medicine, when considered carefully and with a critical eye, can be a tool and a blessing. And our actions must go beyond just caring for ourselves. God created us as physical beings in a physical world, and He called it all good, so we are to honor and be good stewards of both our body and environment. If, as my pastor often comments, our call is to help restore the world to the Shalom that God intended, then we must fulfill our call to stewardship of the natural world.

So while I attribute a lot of my health improvements this past year to the changes we have made, I recognize that many people have been praying for my healing, most notably my husband. His faith and encouragement kept me going on days when I despaired of ever getting better, and he has supported my research and changes better than any wife could hope for. I read stories of other women whose families fight them all the way as they try to make positive changes, and I thank God for a husband who empowers and blesses me for my diligence in the kitchen.

I also hold firmly that what the devil intends for evil, the Lord uses for good. The allergic reactions and subsequent infections I experienced last winter came straight from hell, let me tell you, but that experience made me confront the ways I had stopped caring for myself and put me on the path to research new ideas on how I could help heal myself that was beyond the status quo. Through this process I have uncovered so much good information that I was ignorant of in regards to diet, nutrition, exercise-you name it. Specifically, the science behind gut dysbiosis and the causes of allergies and eczema that I have found has completely revolutionized my thinking. I talk more about it here, but for the first time in my life I have hope that not only could I heal from my lifetime of symptoms, but I could prevent my children from inheriting the same issues.

I still believe that tomorrow prayers could be said and I would immediately heal from all these things I have been trying to overcome. But I wouldn't go back on the changes I have been making. This is about caring for myself, my family, and my environment the best way I know how, and believing that God will bless my faithfulness, along with my faith in His goodness and mercy towards me. I'm convinced that because of our prayers, the Lord has been and will continue directing my web searches, the people I come into contact with, the facts I encounter, the conclusions I reach, as I ask for His wisdom and guidance through this process. His desire is for His children to live an abundant life, and I know that the lifestyle we are embarking on is part of the plan of abundance He has for me.

The Lord is good, and His Love endures forever.

Feeling Good

2010-08-26T11:47:00.001-07:00

As much as I love reading blogs on real food and the great health results that have come to various bloggers from changing their diets, I love even more seeing how my own body is responding to what we are doing. While I have many years of bad health to recover from, I have continued to feel better and better as I make changes big and small.

One of the problems I used to deal with a lot was unstable blood sugar. There is a history of diabetes in my family, and I was worried that at any moment I was going to get diagnosed with the disease myself. When I was a child, I would get sick if I ate too many sweet things, but as a teenager and adult I craved sweets. Even when I was on a low-carb diet, I ate a lot of sweet things, and consumed far too many artificial sweeteners. I also found that I had to eat every 3-4 hours, snacking constantly to keep myself from getting shaky or light-headed. I thought that I was keeping my metabolism going, but in reality I was just overeating and keeping myself caught in the blood sugar rollercoaster.

This summer I have started to focus on eating more healthy fats, especially at breakfast and lunch. My old routine was to eat a small packet of organic instant oatmeal (which was ridiculously expensive, btw) with an apple and coffee for breakfast at my office around 8am, then eat a snack at 11, then lunch at 1, then a snack at 3, and then dinner at 6. If I missed any of my meals or snacks, I would start to feel the effects right away, and if I didn't get food in me fast, would turn irritated and depressed. But now I am trying to focus on eating nutrient-dense foods like eggs, bacon or homemade sausage, cheese, veggies, and whole fruit in the morning. If I make oatmeal these days, I soak it the night before to decrease the antinutrients, and cook it with coconut oil or whole milk to provide healthy fats in my meal. And I am finding that eating good protein and fat is incredibly satiating.

For example, today around 7am I had an egg, a couple pieces of bacon, a little leftover kohlrabi and greens baked with cheese, and a peanut butter-banana muffin made with sprouted flour. The result? Well, it's lunchtime now, almost 6 hours later, I am just now starting to get a little peckish. No sugar crashes, no shakiness, just a natural hunger, which will soon be satiated with a lunch of sauteed cabbage and bacon, and a green salad with grapes and lacto-fermented ginger carrots.

When I do feel a little hungry in between meals, I have a cup of tea with cream or coconut oil mixed in, which gives me just enough fat to calm the hunger and keep my blood sugar from spiking or crashing. I pass up the leftover baked goods from meetings that populate the lunch room (I find they're not that good anyway compared to my homemade recipes) and no longer dip into the candy jar at the neighboring cubicle. Overall, I am probably eating less but taking in more nutrients. I feel great and have been steadily losing weight.

There are books and studies out there that give competing and conflicting messages about fat and carbs and how to eat, but if you value real life experience at all, you'll take my advice: put back the cereal, eat healthy fats, and don't skip breakfast.

ps: Jer has moved our joint blog over to Wordpress since we were having issues at our previous location. I've posted a few new recipes there. Enjoy!

Letter to my 21-yr-old self

2010-07-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

I was in my blog reader the other day, skimming through all the wonderful writings I enjoy every day, and came across a post at Tea & Cookies entitled A Letter to my Twenty-something Self. Tara was sharing how she found another blogger who had asked for women in her life to share what they would want to tell their twenty-something selves about life. It was a way for her to glean wisdom from those around her. Tara decided to write her own, and described it as a cathartic experience. I've been pondering it all weekend, and have finally decided to put down my own thoughts. While I am still a twenty-something, looking back at the year I was first a twenty-something, there are some things I needed to hear.

Dear Rebecca,

I know you are not feeling so 'dear' right now. Your heart is broken and you are wondering if it will ever heal. And while I can tell you that it will heal, that the choice you have made is the right one, it won't help the pain you are feeling right now.
Will it help if I tell you that this year, and last year as well, I didn't even remember June 28th? I know today you think you will never lose the sting of that moment, and will mark that day forever. But time does heal, and as your life is filled with goodness, the old days you used to mark will no longer hold meaning for you. Instead you will mark new days, days of joy and fulfillment.
It will be a long journey, my dear. There are days when you will be weary, ever so weary and tired, and will think perhaps there is no hope. But you must choose to live in hope, in the truth of God's love and promise to fulfill His good work. It is a very very good work, and it will never cease, just as His love for you will never cease. Right now you aren't feeling loved, and you certainly don't feel lovable. But you are. You are so entirely lovable. And there will come a day, an afternoon in the sunshine, when you realize that fact. And that will change you. You will start to allow others to see you, the unfinished self you are still learning to enjoy, and you will allow them to love you.
In a few years someone will give you Isaiah 54 as a promise from the Lord. Hold on to that promise. Sing it to yourself during the long nights when you ache to be held. Read it again after every dashed hope tries to pull you down.
In a cathedral on a cold December night, someone will sing these words: 'If today, you hear My Voice, harden not your heart'. Allow those words to wash over you, to make you weep, to convict you. For you will want to harden your heart to the pain of loneliness. But the same band that sings those words will also sing another song: "if you want love, don't go hiding." Don't hide, my dear. Allow yourself to be open, vulnerable, to feel, even when it is difficult.
Because there will come a day when you will want to be open to possibilities. When the feelings that come will be of excitement, promise, giddiness. The Lord will call you back, as if you were a young wife rejected (because I know that is how you feel right now) and He will give you a greater joy. Your broken spirit will be mended, will be made whole.
His plans are better, dearest. And yes, you are dearest. To Him, and to those around you, who do indeed care for you, more than you know, more than you are able to care for yourself right now. But give it time. These years will not be without struggle, but there will be joy, and slowly you will learn that it is good for you to be who you are. Not that you will ever stop discovering who that really is. Don't be afrain of the uncertainty, of the process. Know that you will never be forsaken, that your dreams will come true.
The Lord has given you these dreams for a reason. Hold them loosely, but cling to Him tightly. Trust in the Giver, and He will be your fulfillment, and will bless you greatly.
I have one final piece of advice for you. A simple phrase I put up on my wall one day and hold to when life is hard. It is a struggle sometimes to see the joy, to see God in the midst of circumstances. But you have to choose how to respond, how you will see this life. So this is what you must do:

Call each day glorious.

Good Decisions

2010-06-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

Last year on June 21st, Jer asked me to marry him. I said yes.

BEST.
DECISION.
EVER.

Winning

2010-06-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. I won a giveaway.

There have been very few times in my life that I have won a giveaway or door prize or raffle or whatever. I always enter, and I always expect to not win. Yet I still enter...I wonder what that says about my personality?

Well, I am glad I keep entering, because I won something! Sprouted flour from a giveaway over at Health, Home and Happiness. I'm excited to try it out-sprouted flour is something I have been wanting to try, but don't currently have the equipment for. According to what I have read, sprouting is good because it breaks down the anti-nutrients in the grain and make it more like a vegetable than a starch. And since I am trying to eat more vegetables and less grains, sprouted flour seems like the right thing for me!

I've also done a bit of blogging so far this month over at Jerbecca on my real food adventures, if you are interested:

Low Carb? Not So Bad Actually

Planning Is Fun. No, Really.

Pastured Eggs

The Color of Our Thumbs

I'll be blogging more recipes and tips as I experiment and continue on this grand experiment in traditional foods. Tonight we had grass-fed steak and sauteed vegetables, including kale from our patio garden! Tasty!

But I Like Cookies

2010-06-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

So, it's no secret that I like to bake. Correspondingly, I like to eat what I bake. I'm not big on cake or cupcakes, and I think I could do better with my pie crusts, but cookies, brownies, sweet breads, muffins, and fresh bread are some of my favorite things.

Of course, I'm trying to reduce my intake of refined carbs and sugar. This limits my baking, and I have been looking into interesting alternative recipes over the past few weeks and having both successes and failures. Then this month I decided to go seriously low carb, just to cleanse my system a bit and jump start a little weight loss.

I've done a bit of blogging on the recipes over at Jerbecca. I was feeling pretty good and enjoying the recipes I was making and not missing the pasta or the tortillas or anything. And then I fell off the wagon a bit. Cheats are fine, I said. A little bit won't hurt I said. Hmm.

First, I decided to make cookies for Jer's office. He and his team have been working insanely long hours and he had to work on the weekend, so I baked three different kinds of cookies and sent them along in a huge 6 qt tub. But before I sent them I had to, ahem, "test" them. Up first: the white chocolate macadamia butter. Then, the oatmeal scotchies. Then finally the double chocolate chewy brownie cookies that are my signature specialty and perhaps the best cookies ever.

Well, after tasting all the cookies, I found myself with a bit of a stomachache. It reminded me of when I was little-anytime I ate too much candy I would feel sick (this happens to all kids, right? How come parents still give us sugar?) I figured it was because I hadn't eaten anything else-I was just spoiling my dinner, as they say.

But then, this week at work I snitched a big cookie from a meeting. I was running around helping my regional manager and hadn't had a chance to eat my healthy afternoon snack, and cheated with a chocolate chunk cookie from the catering company. It wasn't even that good: a little dry, and lacking the flavor profile of the baked goods that come out of my oven. And then, predictably, I ended up with an upset stomach and feeling slightly gross all afternoon.

So there I was, feeling great for a couple weeks, and all it took was a cookie full of white flour and sugar and who knows what else to steal my health away. Sigh. I guess my body is telling me soomething about my diet of baked goods: if you eat it, it won't be worth it.

I don't know how to balance it all out yet. I can't quite give up my love of baking, and yet I want to be healthy and fit. I know from my research that soaking and sprouting grains will help, and I haven't seen any stomach upset from my soaked grain muffins, so that might be the key. Somehow I need to figure out how to make those double chocolate cookies healthy, because they are just too good to give up.

This post was submitted to Fight Back Fridays

Rest

2010-05-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

I've never been very good at resting.

Okay, you can stop laughing now. Yes, the people who know me are guffawing loudly and asking, "Reeeaallllly?? You? Problems with resting? Noooo" in the best faked sincerity they can muster. They know that back in the day I led three ministries at Quest: a weekly C group, the Life Together ministry (monthly meetings, events every 1-3 months, and occasional all-day stints at church doing announcements) and worship (singing 3-4 times a month, occasionally leading, and meeting with the worship advisory council every month). I was probably at church or a church event 3-6 days a week. Add to that a high-stress job that worked me about 60 hours a week, party-hopping every weekend, and trying to get to the gym 4-6 times a week, and I was pretty much stretched farther than the mom in Incredibles.

Then I come to 2009. In the fall of 2008, I had recommitted to everything I was doing at church, and while I was enjoying my lower-stress, less-hours job, I was still a busy gal. But I increasingly felt a burden on my heart that I needed to give up my leadership role after my year of commitments were up. I blogged about feeling like something new was coming, and then of course I met my fabulous husband. The reason for giving up that busy lifestyle was clear: I had a marriage to focus on.

Fast forward to now. I've been married for 7 months and 4 days (incidentally, Jer came home last night and told me how he realized that we had been married for just as long as we knew each other before we got married. I love that he thinks of these things). If there is one thing I have learned about my husband and our relationship (and I've learned a few things!) it's that we have different needs when it comes to down time. He needs waaayyyy more alone time, quiet time, relaxation time than I do. I am still quick to reply yes to every invitation, volunteer for every opportunity, plan to go out every night of the week.

Obviously I have had to temper those habits. I reply 'maybe' and more often than not we stay in. I know to protect our Saturday mornings as much as possible, and that each weekend needs to provide Jer with a good chunk of time to just write programs, play games, and watch TV. And little by little, I am finding that this rest is not a bad thing.

I have always been such an achievement-and-approval driven person, that the concept of a person valuing me for just sitting with them has been tough to get into my heart. But I am finding that this constant need to be doing things is just as selfish as making time to relax. If my motivation is to appear busy, or to gain approval, or to avoid depth and vulnerability in my relationships, then all the serving I am doing is for nought. Sometimes the way I can most serve my husband is to sit with him and watch Rocky. I must apologize to him for getting up and doing laundry during it.

So I'm still learning. This weekend is supposed to be about rest and relaxation, and I have a long list of projects I want to do: clean the pantry and my office, try out about half a dozen new recipes, write a bunch of blog posts, and get a head start on my continuing education for my insurance licensing. Already this morning I have worked for an hour, made muffins and hardboiled eggs, and started my pantry cleaning. I really should just take some time to read and pray, but every five minutes I think of something else I could be doing. Old habits die hard.

It's a process. I am glad that God gave me a husband who will challenge me to submit my workaholic tendencies to a contemplative spirit. I'll always be a doer-that's how I was wired-but I can serve out of a place of peace and calm, not out of striving or need. Ultimately, I will be a better follower of Christ, and a better wife, mother, friend, and member of the body.

This morning I'm drinking out of a coffee cup that Jer gave me. On it there is a picture of a woman saying, "stop me before I volunteer again." Good reminder, huh? I love my husband.

Real Food

2010-05-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months I've been doing a lot of reading in various books and blogs regarding healthier ways to choose and prepare meals. Somewhere between watching Food Inc. and reading Real Food by Nina Planck, Jer and I decided to drastically reduce the amount of processed food in our lives. And I don't just mean processed food like fake cheese snacks and Hostess cake. We've never eaten much of that anyway. I mean refusing to buy meat that has been raised in a processing plant with cruel conditions and improper diet. Rejecting bread that is full of chemical "dough conditioners" and high fructose corn syrup. I mean eating as sustainably and locally as possible.

Doing this while maintaining some semblance of a rational food budget is going to be a challenge, but I feel I am up to it. Choosing to go this route means I have to cook most of our food myself (with Jer's help of course, and his Big Green Egg). I already do a lot of that-I don't think we have bought bread all year-but it also means taking more time to properly prepare ingredients, and making things stretch farther. Turning one chicken into four meals (two with the meat, and two with the stock that I make from the meat). Using a sourdough starter for my bread. Making my own yogurt and buttermilk.

Ultimately I think we will be happier and healthier. While we started this a few months ago, it's really been the last few weeks that the major changes have been put into place. After having the worst year healthwise last year, I have hardly been sick at all this year. No colds, no flu. My mom was commenting this weekend that my skin had looked better than ever (surprising after the skin issues of last winter). My nails have gotten healthier-less ridges (a sign of vitamin deficency) and splitting, and they are actually growing out longer and stronger, which is a very new thing for me. And both Jer and I have lost a few pounds in the past month.

When I was a teenager, my family ate mostly low-cost, low-fat, high-carb meals, like pasta and rice. I was overweight, and carried most of it in my midsection, with very little energy or muscle. About four years ago I changed my diet drastically, doing South Beach for a few months and then settling into a more vegetable/protein heavy diet. I also started exercising regularly. I lost weight, had more energy, and generally felt great. I got lax on it after a couple of years and began eating out more and put a lot of weight back on. Then last spring I went vegan for Lent. I ate a lot more grain than usual, and started drinking soy milk. I was sick all the time, my allergies were worse, I put on weight, and then got mono. Looking back on it, the contrasts are striking: low-fat and high-carb led to weight gain and allergies; high-protein, low-carb led to energy and good skin.

Based on my reading and my own observation, I have virtually eliminated any non-fermented soy, high fructose corn syrup, and trans fats from our diet. We've never eaten a lot of meat (I always laugh at the blog posts about having a meatless day a week or some such thing-we have meat two, maybe three times a week) but what we are buying now is grass-fed and free-range as much as possible, and we stretch it so we are eating less at a sitting. We're using a lot of eggs, whole milk, beans, and organic produce. I'm planning meals around what is coming in our CSA box instead of what is on sale at Albertson's (really the WORST store if you are trying to eat less processed foods. They don't even have options for free-range meat). We're also planting a few pots of veggies and herbs on our back porch.

I'm finding that making high-quality food means I eat less but get more in the way of real nutrition. And it is tasty food-burgers made with grass-fed beef and homemade whole wheat buns are far superior to anything at a fast food joint. That doesn't mean we don't splurge and eat out, but it does mean that overall we are eating better than we ever have. While I am still learning, and have a long way to go before I can be considered a true real foodist, I am glad to be on my way.

Some resources for you to investigate:

Real Food, by Nina Planck
The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food, by Michael Pollan
Food Inc.
King Corn
The Healthy Home Economist
GNOWFGLINS

New Favorite Quote

2010-04-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

I was reading a bit today and run across an article about cooking by Michael Ruhlman, who wrote my new favorite kitchen book, Ratio. His missive yesterday was a pretty good diatribe against our country's obsession with the fastest, easiest way to do things instead of focusing on eating good, real food. Then I came across this passage and decided Mike is my new favorite writer:

Quick, fast, and easy isn't the point. Good is the point. Makes you feel good is the point. I am not saying spend three hours making a chicken galantine. I am saying put a chicken the oven with some cut up potatoes for an hour. Yes, a whole hour! If you're inclined to enjoy some carnal exertions with your partner during that hour, that chicken will be all the more appreciated. But if there's laundry to be done, if there are kids who need help with their geometry, then do that.

"Carnal exertions." Awesome. Truly, truly awesome. I'm going to go buy a chicken now.

The Big Snip

2010-04-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

Ah, the tale of my hair.

This might surprise some who know me, but I was born a blond. Towhead, actually, with wavy white hair typical of those sharing my Norwegian heritage. But as I grew up my Syrian and Cherokee roots took hold and my hair became darker and curlier every year. I still get natural blond highlights in the summer but my days of having golden hair are long gone.

When I was nine my mom cut my hair short. It was supposed to be all the same length but the back sprung up and created this cute 20's style bob. After that cut I decided I wanted long hair, and so since then I have never had it shorter than shoulder length. But this past week she was at it again, chopping off over a foot of hair that I had been faithfully growing out for years. And so for the first time in my adult life I have short hair.

My long curly hair has always been my signature look. People would comment on how beautiful it was, how long and curly, asking if it was natural and saying how much they wished for curly hair like mine. My mom used to spend hundreds of dollars a year on perms and styling to get an approximation of my spirals. For a girl with a weight problem and a host of self-esteem issues, having one thing I could hold on to as a positive about my looks was like a security blanket. Even when I felt ugly or unwanted, I could still hold on to my hair as something desirable about me.

My best friend, who never cut her hair while she was growing up, has donated her hair to Locks of Love a couple of times (boy did she get me good the first time, not telling me beforehand and causing me to practically fall over in shock when I saw her). Every time I thought to myself, oh, that is a good cause, but I would never do that. I couldn't have short hair. It's not me. I need my long hair. Even as I started to learn to love myself and my body, I still clung to my hair as my backup plan.

But it's amazing what marriage does. Or at least, marriage to a man who is constantly appreciating you and your body. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then Jer makes me the most gorgeous creature in the world every time his eyes smile at me. And he expresses it in so many ways-his words, his touch, his actions-so I've started to believe more and more that I am desirable. He loves my hair, but he was the one who gave me the freedom to cut it.

(Side note: apparently when Jer was growing up he had a little crush on Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, best known for her turn as Maid Marian in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, where she rocked the big and curly hair to the extreme. Additionally, he liked the look of Andie MacDowell, who also rocks the curly locks. His mother has told me this, and how she was sure that he would end up with a girl who had long, curly hair like mine. I wonder if this is similar to my obsession in early life with guys who had names that started with J...)

Jer didn't suggest the donation, just a trim of a few inches so it would be lighter for summertime, but when I shared the Locks of Love idea he fully supported it. While he was shocked at the reality of how short it ended up being-no one really understands how curly hair springs up when you cut it, except for my mother-he has decided that he likes it and the short 'do is a fun change. So despite my lifetime of believing short hair would be a disaster for me, I find that I am still beautiful and loved, even with hair that doesn't make strangers ooh and ahh and follow me down the street. Who needs 'em-I've got my man.

Babies

2010-04-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

My biological clock has been ticking since I was six.

Really, this isn't an exaggeration. Except for a brief stint in highschool when I wanted to be cool and not bothered by crying little baby brothers, I have always wanted kids. Lots of kids. Like, seven kids.

I've adjusted my goal down to the 3-5 children range, (which makes my husband breathe a little easier) and I've mostly given up on the names I had picked out in second grade, but I don't think I will ever stop wanting babies.

So many people I know are either pregnant or just had a child. In the past few days I have had the chance to hang out with a couple of friends who recently had little boys. And while I was certainly reminded of all the work that goes in to having an infant-the crying, the feeding, the changing, the seemingly impossible task of managing a tired child while attempting to conduct adult life-I was also reminded of the inimitable sweetness of a child asleep on your shoulder, a baby's smile, the feel of them in your arms.

This full picture of both the work and the blessing reaffirms my current desire to enjoy a couple years of DINK-dom before plunging headlong into the role of mommy. I want to be able to work and play with Jer, take fabulous trips together, and get as much sleep as we can in between crazy workweeks and busy social calendars. But in a couple years I will be approaching 30, and around about that time I think the alarm on my biological clock will finally go off.

The fact that I want lots of kids makes my mother and mother-in-law extremely happy. They are just dying for grandchildren, female grandchildren, to be precise. Neither Jer nor I have any female siblings, so both our mothers are anxious to have little girls to dress up and spoil. I want girls too, but honestly I feel like boys are easier. At least, I know how to handle them. Having grown up tending to four brothers and a host of male cousins makes the prospect of little men running around the house not so scary. Girls though. Girls are complicated. Even in adult life, I am way more comfortable at a nerdy boys' poker night than a baby shower.

Besides, Jer really wants his firstborn son.

In the end, it's not up to me, of course. I will take whomever the Lord blesses me with, and I am sure both grandmas will enjoy spoiling them rotten. But all this to say that while my heart yearns to hold my own sweet baby in my arms, for now, when people ask me when we are having kids, I will just smile and say 'someday'.

Watch This. Yes, All Of It

2010-04-16T21:57:00.001-07:00

New favorite thing:

Seriously, watch the whole thing. And then go do what she says.

See you at the farmer's market!

Food Blogging

2010-04-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

For those of you who enjoy my culinary adventures, I have been doing my food blogging over at Jerbecca. Most recently, I explain how Jer got me to eat an avocado. If you know me, you know this is quite a feat.

I'm hoping to get another recipe up today: Bean and Bacon Soup. Eat your heart out, Campbell's!

Notes From Suburbia

2010-03-30T10:40:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems March was the month of the blogging break. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I did some food blogging over at Jerbecca and that has been fun. I don't expect that I'll become the next big thing in the food blogging world, but it's a nice exercise and fuels my dreams of one day turning the memoir genre upside down with my fabulous literary genius. Or not.

Most of the break was due to our vacation. We had been planning to take a long weekend off to celebrate the anniversary of the day we met but were faced with a fortuitous schedule change which led to a fun trip. Jer was sent by his employer (which he describes as a "small" local tech company based in Redmond) down to Vegas for a conference, so I followed him down and we relaxed in a fabulous suite, took in the sites, and just enjoyed each other's company. It was a wonderful break.

What was slightly surreal was that we spent five days apart while he was at the conference and I was stuck at work in Seattle, the first time we had been apart since the wedding. Suddenly I was back to life as a single girl, just as I was before I met my fabulous man. I went dancing, cooked for myself only, drank a lot of coffee, woke up alone. I even spent time with my former roommate at the house I lived in last March, which only reinforced the deja vu.

I hated it.

I know some folks enjoy their solitude and freedom, and certainly Jer and I build some alone time for each other into our schedules, but I just about went nuts without him. Wandering about our suburban house north of everyone, alone in the kitchen with a cauliflower, I bemoaned the separation and tossed and turned in our big bed. I tell you, it is so much easier to wake up in the morning when there is someone there to give you a kiss and brew you some java.

But life now is back to normal, and we are waking up together bright and early (very difficult after we were able to indulge our night owl tendencies on vacation) and trying to get back into a schedule that involves working out and completing all those goals we set at the beginning of the year. Jer has promised to help with those darn thank you cards I have piled up, and I've started going to the chiropractor with him in order to reduce some of the back and neck pain that has been preventing me from working out regularly. Progress is being made, and my life is full and contented. Every day I look at my husband and am overcome with gratitude and love for him. Like the song says, we're better together.

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.

Jack Johnson, Better Together

Wait, what? It's March?

2010-03-01T14:56:00.001-08:00

There seems to be a theme running through most of my blogs on Google Reader today: "What the heck happened to February?!?"

Seriously, it's March? I thought perhaps it was just this weekend that was a blur, but I find that it was in fact the entire month. I know February is shorter than most, but those two days shouldn't make all that much of a difference.

A lot of our month was swallowed up in doctor's appointments related to Jer's tendonitis. Our wonderful schedule went kaboom and neither of us spent much time working out or having good gameplaying/reading/blogging time. As a way to help with commuting and provide Jer with a car during the day to get to appointments, I have been driving with him to Bellevue and then taking the bus over to Seattle, adding time to my commute and eliminating a lot of my evening free time. It does give us more time together in the morning, and it's the best way to handle evening car needs, but it doesn't fit with our big schedule plan at all.

So I would have to say that my goals for February went kaput. There were a couple of opportunities to hang out with friends, and we went on a couple of double dates, but my grand ideas of weekly coffee dates with girlfriends, working out five times a week, and making significant progress on cleaning my office or completing thank you cards scurried off to wherever the rest of February disappeared to.

One thing I do remember quite clearly though is Valentine's Day weekend. It was our first V day together, and whether it's a cultural excuse for materialistic excess and denigration of singlehood or not, my romantic self wanted it to be special. With our budget focus, Jer had to restrain his generous tendencies and stop himself from buying a (quite beautiful) necklace and settle for a lot of fabulous chocolate and flowers. But being as it is him, he was not content to simply give me a Russell Stover chocolate heart on Sunday morning. He ordered several kinds of chocolate from La Maison du Chocolat, a Parisian chocolate boutique, and stealthily stashed them around the house throughout the weekend. The first small box showed up on Thursday evening. Then I found chocolate in my purse. And on my pillow. In the kitchen. In my office. Each one a different flavor, including the best hot chocolate ever. And then on Sunday afternoon a big bouquet of tulips and irises showed up at the door. It was a fabulous weekend.

(I would tell you what I got Jer for Valentine's Day, but that would be TMI. Let me just say, he was a happy husband.)

So, despite the month being sucked up by doctor's appointments and the premarital class that we are taking (yes, we know, it's a little late, but there wasn't one available before the wedding!) there are some good memories. And now here is March, and we are planning a fun vacation to celebrate the anniversary of that fateful evening that we first met. I keep hoping that life might slow down one of these days, but I somewhat doubt it.

I will say though, that I have one small accomplishment for February. I have now completed two-count 'em, two!-thank you cards. Two down, a hundred to go. Hey, it's progress.

Giving Up Lent

2010-02-17T13:58:00.000-08:00

My lenten practices have varied throughout the years. For the majority of my formative years I was part of a nonliturgical church community. We rarely celebrated communion or lit advent candles, and there was not a hymn to be sung (unless, of course, it was an updated Chris Tomlin version). While fasting as part of a devotional prayer life was part of my spiritual lexicon, Lent was a virtual unknown.

I started to learn about Lent in college. Although my school was specific in its founding denomination, it welcomed and supported a variety of Christian traditions, and somehow I found myself beginning to practice lenten fasting. I don't recall now if it was truly from conviction or because I wanted to do what everyone else was doing-probably a little of both. But over the years making Lent part of my spiritual calendar has become very important to me.

Last year I felt called to a very strict fast, the most restrictive I have ever tried. I gave up a lot of foods-meat, eggs, dairy, sweets-functionally becoming a vegan. I even gave up coffee-something I had never done in my life. This is why my first date with Jer was at a tea shop-the typical coffee date wouldn't work for me!

It is funny now to look back and see that the deep sense of anticipation that I felt going into Lent was justified. I had to give things up to gain the promised blessing of my husband. The foods and indulgences were merely stand-ins for what I really needed to give up: my fear, my loneliness, my desire for control, my faithlessness, my discontent. The first half of Lent 2009 was a struggle of wills-giving up my will for Christ's. The second half was spent rejoicing and learning that His will is always better.

This year, I feel no conviction to give anything up. I'm eating chocolate, drinking my coffee, roasting chickens and making cheese bread. I feel convicted to spend more time in prayer, more time in fellowship, but not to deprive myself. This is my year of celebrations, of dancing in my kitchen and soaking up all the joy I can get.

I know there will be other years of fasting and times of reflection. But this year I am living the truth that our Lord exchanges beauty for ashes.

Why I Cook

2010-02-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

"I still think that one of the pleasantest of all emotions is to know that I, I with my brain and my hands, have nourished my beloved few, that I have concocted a stew or a story, a rarity or a plain dish, to sustain them truly against the hunger of the world." --MFK Fisher

A wonderful summary of how good it feels to cook or bake something delicious and see your loved ones enjoy it, from one of the very first food writers. Check out The Gastronomical Me from the library, look up a recipe online for molten chocolate cakes, and make something special for a loved one this weekend.

The President's Budget

2010-02-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

Folks have passed around the budget graphic from the New York Times showing how the 2011 budget is allocated. The graphic is interactive so you can compare to 2010. But the crucial button, I feel, is the "Hide Mandatory Spending" button. This shows what parts of the budget Obama actually had control over: military spending and the bottom right corner, made up of administration, veterans' benefits, transportation, and other (relatively) small pieces of the budget.

The rest of the budget is controlled by-you guessed it-Congress. Laws passed in the last five, ten, twenty years through both liberal and conservative legislatures. Now, I am not a huge Obama fan, but honestly, he has very little direct control over how the money is spent (except, it seems, in the area of military spending). His role as chief executive is to influence policy, not write laws. So how could he really make change?

Well, the first thing he could do would be to take a page from Dave's book: audit the legislature. There is this awesome movie starring Kevin Kline as an ordinary guy who is a doppelganger for the president. When the president goes into a coma, Dave is called on to impersonate the commander in chief while his aides figure out what to do. But Dave finds that he can use the opportunity to make some big changes. At one point he sits down with his friend who happens to be an accountant and they try to balance the budget. The accountant says, "if I ran my business like this, I'd be out of business!" How true.

Dave proceeds to identify several laws and spending bills that are nonsensical, wasteful, and just plan idiotic. In one of the pivotal scenes of the movie, he asks lawmakers to repeal them so that they can keep a homeless shelter. This is the kind of work a president focused on balancing the budget could do. Determine where the waste is and ask Congress to eliminate it. Don't just propose a freeze on spending, hold lawmakers accountable to where funds are currently going and evaluate the programs that are wasting taxpayer dollars. Threaten the lawmakers with exposure and transparency-force them to own up to their votes, showing the public what kind of job they are doing up there on Capitol Hill and at the Federal Reserve.

Wait, isn't that what Ron Paul is asking for?

The Struggle

2010-02-01T12:23:00.001-08:00

One of the things I have found challenging as I try to be more intentional and frugal about our food choices is the battle between price and quality. I scour the ads and plan my menu and grocery list every week, looking for things I can buy on sale to cut costs. But I also want high quality ingredients, including organic produce, free-range meat and dairy that is not full of antibiotics and hormones, and food that has not had all the nutrients processed out of it.

Take chicken for example. I can get a 3lb value pack of BSCB (boneless skinless chicken breast) for say, $2 a pound on sale. That's a great price, and that total of $6 can be stretched over several meals. But that pack of meat likely comes from chickens that have been packed into a pen so tight they can't move around, their beaks clipped to prevent injury to themselves or other birds (because they go a little crazy in their claustrophobic environment), and shot up with hormones and antibiotics because they are standing in their own excrement. The meat from these chickens is then pumped full of water to make them appear moist and juicy and give you less actual meat per pound. So while I got it at a cheap price, I got less meat and lower quality. Add on to that the moral implications of the treatment of the animals in light of our Biblical call to be stewards of creation, and I can't justify that purchase, no matter the apparent cost savings.

On the other hand, I could buy a pound of BSCB for about $6 that is organic, free-range, antibiotic- and hormone-free. The chickens eat grass and bugs and run around in a pen in the open air. Their meat is tastier because they eat what God designed them to eat instead of processed corn byproducts and their meat is not pumped full of chemicals and water. Here's a great video I saw recently that gives you an idea of what a free-range chicken life is like. It really shows you the difference. As Jer says, he wants to eat a happy chicken.

So it is better, not just for us, but also for the environment. And this applies not only to meat but also dairy, eggs, and produce. With all the strains of bacteria that are becoming resistant to antibiotics, the last thing we want to do is eat food that has been pumped full of the stuff. And I think we all know enough to say that eating produce covered in pesticides is probably not so great.

But it is only because we have a good income that I can make the choice to purchase higher quality, more expensive food. We spend $100 a month just on organic produce through a CSA program, not to mention the weekly purchases of meat and dairy. And we don't even eat that much meat-we probably have chicken once or twice a week, seafood maybe once a week, and hardly ever eat red meat at home. Still, for two people, we spend a lot of money on food in order to get good ingredients.

I don't know how I would do it on a limited income. What if we had minimum wage jobs? And kids? What if we were on unemployment or welfare? How would we purchase healthy food for our kids with food stamps and government assistance?

Just do a search on "obesity rates in low income households" and you will see the disparity that exists based on income. The cheapest foods are the most calorie rich, nutrient lacking foods out there-the highly processed grains that make up a lot of the middle section of the grocery store. These are the types of foods that leave you feeling hungry but end up as fat in your midsection, leading to heart disease and diabetes. Experts say that the healthy way to eat is to spend the majority of your food budget on the outer edges of the store-the produce section, dairy section, meat, bulk bins of nuts, etc. But those are some of the most expensive items. When you have to feed a family of four on less than $50 a week, spending $6 for a pound of BSCB that might get you through one dinner just isn't going to work.

Another thing to consider is the time involved in healthy cooking. Although I work a full time job, since I have no kids I have the time to sit down and plan a menu, make elaborate meals, and bake my own bread. A working mom has no such luxury. If it were me, getting home from a long day at work, with a couple of cranky kids just picked up from daycare, I wouldn't want to think through roasting a free-range chicken or preparing a vegetarian stir-fry. I certainly wouldn't want to chop veggies if I had to help the kids with their homework, do the laundry, and try to get to sleep early enough so I wouldn't nod off during the important work presentation I had the next day. So out comes the blue box mac and cheese or the frozen fishsticks, full of chemicals and not a lot of vitamins.

So what do we do? As a society we have decided that cheap processing is the way to go, and have left the small local farmer in the dust. While there is a definite movement towards local, organic, and healthy groceries, it seems that is currently the privelege of those who can afford it. When you have fast food dollar menus, why spend what little cash you have on sweet potatoes and leafy greens? When your kids are begging you for the sweet treats that are promoted on TV, how do you convince them that the apple from the local grower is the better option? How do we create a culture that values homecooked meals and healthy living rather than what is fast and convenient?

I don't have answers, I'm just becoming more aware of the questions. Time to read more Wendell Berry.

Fess Up

2010-01-31T13:47:00.000-08:00

So, it's January 31st, and this means that I must evaluate how I did on my goals for the month. Let's start with the good stuff:

The Living Room
MAJOR success. I am currently sitting on my new living room furniture as I type this post. A full set (couch, loveseat, chair, ottoman) was gifted to us by Jer's parents, and a group of fabulous friends helped us move it up here. I cooked and baked while they worked, and yesterday we all celebrated by sitting on the comfy furniture and eating soup and bread and cinnamon rolls and cookies and veggies and...yes, it was good.

Incidentally, another success realized yesterday was the bread. I have been trying to get my sourdough starter to turn into an actual loaf of good sourdough bread, with no yeast, a nice crispy sourdough crust, and a good tangy flavor. It took several failed attempts, but using this method, I made an excellent loaf that was quickly devoured by the hungry visitors. More importantly, the husband (who requested the sourdough project many weeks ago) pronounced it a delicious win. Yay!

The new project is now to clean and sort through all the stuff that ended up in my office without a home. We were able to get rid of a lot of stuff and organize a ton, but there is still more to do.

Eat From the Pantry Challenge
Well, I would call this a success. The amount of pasta and canned goods present in our pantry has been reduced by at least half. Even with all the recipe experiments and the friend hosting I was still able to be very frugal with my food purchases as I used things up and portioned things out for lunches. I didn't throw away a lot of food but instead got creative with our CSA. We've eaten a lot of veggies this month, including salads. Salads are not my usual go-to item, but when you make your own dressing and toss in fruit and cooked chicken, it's a lot easier to enjoy!

I'm also getting a lot better at planning my menu and shopping. I can estimate how much my shopping list is going to cost, and decide if I can splurge or need to rethink my list, which keeps me within budget. Which leads us to...

Budgeting
We made a significant amount of progress here. We completed the refi on our house thanks to an awesome mortgage broker and moved some funds around to make good headway on debt paydown. We did some figuring this morning and are very excited about where we are going to be financially in a couple of years, and the freedom that will give us to dream about what God might call us to in the future.

While I did have my budgeting breakdown, we made a lot of progress getting details down and changing some of our habits. The whole process is really helping us make our money work for us instead of rule us.

So those are the successes. Now, there were a few items on my goals list that met with mixed results:

Writing
Okay, I wrote 5 posts for this blog and 3 for the family blog (with another in process), so I think I had a win there. An average of two posts a week is definitely an improvement for me. The personal writing was less successful though-I think I had one good journal entry and no fiction. And I certainly didn't spend time writing on a daily basis. That part of the schedule didn't happen. Speaking of which...

Scheduling and Working Out
These kind of go hand in hand, because when we are following our schedule, we both get good workout time. While in general I would say we did better sticking to our schedule, and I certainly worked out more this month than the previous three months (maybe combined) it was not a total success. Between coming down with a cold (me) and reinjuring old areas of debilitation (Jer) neither of us got the amount of working out we wanted. The first half of the month was pretty good-I worked out 3-5 times a week-the second half of the month was not. So we need a reset there.

Both of these areas saw progress, so I would not call them complete fails. What I would call a complete fail:

Thank You Cards
Cumulative number of cards mailed Dec 31st: zero. Cumulative number of cards mailed Jan 31st: zero. I think I might have addressed a couple more, and I started writing a few. No completions. Sigh. Well, I know what I am doing in February.

Speaking of February, here are my goals for the upcoming month:

1. The aforementioned thank you cards. No more talking, just doing.
2. Continue working out 3-5 times a week. Barring serious illness, this is a completely doable goal
3. Hangout with a girlfriend at least once a week. I find that I am missing my gals, spending good one on one time. Some of the highlights of January were the couple of coffee dates I had with friends, and I want to continue to have those.
4. Double dates. We had an awesome double date with one of my best friends and his fabulous new girlfriend last Sunday, and Jer and I both enjoyed ourselves immensely. We've got a list of friends that we want to hang out with and want to be intentional about making those dates happen, at least twice a month.
5. Clean out office. Yeah, now that I have a big stack of homeless items in my office, I need to find homes for it all.

Above and beyond these to-dos, Jer and I are really seeking to be in prayer more, whether that be individually, as a couple, or with friends and family. We've started tossing around the idea of hosting prayer nights at our house or something of that nature. Having a good place to host means that we can be more creative and intentional about reaching out and creating good fellowship. So that is a goal in process-a desire that needs to be given actions.

So there we are. I think that despite having to fess up to not getting some things done, I can look at my list of goals and call the month a successful one. And that is the benefit of having defined goals: you can celebrate the achievements.

Here's to a good month, and more to come!

Budgeting

2010-01-19T11:26:00.000-08:00

One of our goals for the beginning of the year was to complete our budgeting project, or at least get a good draft completed that we can tweak as we go along. My wonderful husband devoted several hours to this project over the weekend, combing statements to estimate bills and watching Dave Ramsey videos. He also figured out all those funky excel formulas to create a huge master spreadsheet of awesome accuracy.

I, on the other hand, had a minor meltdown. After three hours of staring at the computer as he input numbers and we discussed potential costs for this month and next, I was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

I realized that, even though I may be a banker, I am not a numbers person. I don't like sitting and poring over spreadsheets. I am a get-it-done person. Efficiency. Easy solutions. Check it off the list. Smile and have a nice day.

My husband, however, is an engineer. Details. Accuracy. Calculations. Exact plans. Figure it all out before moving forward.

What's funny about this is that in Dave Ramsey terms, I am the free-spirited saver and Jer is the nerdy spender. I can work off a very general budget (with nice round numbers) and be quite fiscally responsible. Jer will research and diagram and cost-analyze until he finds the very best deal, then go haggle for a better deal, and plunk down a lot of money for exactly what he wants. I'll look at it, decide it's too much money and/or hassle, and go without. But hey, if that great sale happens on those shoes I want, well that's justified, right?

We balance each other well, and this is good. But we learned that the details side of the budgeting needs to be done in small doses so I don't lose my mind. Of course, once we have the template in place, following it and revising it will be a lot easier than the initial creation. I think I will be able to handle that.

So it's still a work in progress, but thanks to my wonderful nerd, the budget is closer to being reality, as is being debt-free.

The Family Blog

2010-01-12T14:34:00.000-08:00

So Jer has started us a joint blog. I'm still trying to decide what I'm going to blog over there and what I'm going to keep over here at the Daydreams blog, but in the meantime you can check out the new posts at Ruminations From Earth-That-Was.

And yes, that is a Firefly reference, and yes, we are nerds.

One Week In

2010-01-12T13:27:00.001-08:00

One week in on the resolutions. Part of the problem with resolutions is that we don't hold ourselves accountable to them, don't monitor our progress and recommit ourself each week. Taking time to chastise or praise ourselves is good in pursuing goals. We also don't acknowledge when a resolution is too much or too little, and so we either fail miserably because we overreach or we fail to make any meaningful change because we undercommit. Reviewing our progress helps us analyze and revamp as needed.

So, allow me to be accountable to my goals discussion from last week:

New Schedule/working out: We weren't perfect, but we're starting to get into the rhythm of the new schedule. We both missed a couple of workouts and didn't always get to sleep on time, but in general I feel good about the progress we made. And this week looks like it will be better.
Literary Hour/Thank You Cards: I did some blogging and reading, but not too much in the way of creative writing or journaling. Better adherence to the schedule would probably help this, although the main issue was that I had a couple of appointments last week that threw things off. I made no progress on thank you cards, beyond looking at them once and promptly finding something else to do.
Budgeting/Eat From the Pantry Challenge: We had a couple of good conversations about goals and things we want to do but still haven't figured out details. Work to do there. The eating from the pantry challenge has gone well though-I have only been to the store once for just a few dollars' worth of flour, butter, and produce. Additionally, I have made some really good bread and tried out new bran muffin recipes that make me very happy. I think this week will require going to the store for more ingredients, however, as we are quickly burning through things and getting to where we eat pasta every day, which, while cheap, is not very good for us.
The Living Room: Um. Nope. No progress there. Oops.

So, I guess this week I need to focus on working out, cleaning the living room, and writing thank you cards. No surprise there. All in all, though, I feel positive. The schedule is not too crazy to work, I've got over two weeks to finish my January goals, and I'm finding time to hang out with people again. So life is good.

Kitchen Successes and Failures

2010-01-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

Last night was a kitchen win for Becca. I marinated shrimp and created homemade teriyaki sauce, then pulled out the wok and successfully stir-fried broccoli, mushrooms and shrimp to perfect doneness with yummy flavor (with water chestnuts thrown in at the end to make the husband smile). Also tossed together an impromptu pear crisp with a couple of ripe pears from our CSA. Served warm with just a drizzle of cream. Mmm....

Stir fry might not be the most earth-shattering new recipe, but hey, when you get it right it is definitely comfort food, and it is simple, healthy, and can be fairly inexpensive depending on ingredients (I bought a big bag of frozen uncooked shrimp on sale so they are really cheap for us) which all supports my January goals of being healthy and not spending a lot of money on groceries. So I am putting this one in the success column for sure.

This win was especially satisfying after a serious fail on Monday. We have been watching Emeril Green on the DVR and the recipes always look awesome. I tried his Roasted Veggies with Heritage Grains because it looked healthy and yummy and I have been wanting to learn how to cook quinoa and millet. Well, it might have come together fine on the show but the directions online were less than helpful. The veggies have different cooking times-I know this, but trusted the recipe-and so the parsnips and potatoes were still crunchy although the zucchini was falling apart. The grains had good flavor but also turned out terribly in regards to texture, as the millet and quinoa need different amounts of liquid and cooking times. The recipes says 20-25 mins, and it took about 35 mins to soak up the liquid and the millet was still not done. The grains were a waste and the veggies were eaten under protest covered in a lot of pepperjack cheese.

Next time I review a recipe I am going to trust my instincts when the instructions look suspicious and do more research beforehand. In the meantime, I give you last night's dinner, FTW!

Pear Crisp

This is the simplest thing ever. Start this before dinner-it will bake while you cook and then cool while you eat dinner and be perfect for dessert.

Preheat oven to 375. Peel and slice 2-3 pears that are just ripe but still firm. Toss with 1 Tbsp. each of flour and sugar and 1 tsp. of cinnamon. Place in a small buttered baking dish (I used my pie plate).

For crumb topping:

1/2 c. old fashioned oats
1/4 c. flour
1/4 c. brown sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon
2 Tbsp. butter

Mix together dry ingredients, then cut in butter. Mix until butter pieces are no bigger than a pea and mixture resembles granola. Spread over pears. Bake for half an hour at 375. Topping will be crunchy on the edges and pears should be soft. Let cool slightly and then serve with just a drizzle of heavy cream on top.

While that's baking, make dinner:

Easy Teriyaki Stir Fry

The instructions I give are long, but this is super simple and comes together in half an hour start to finish. Best to serve over perfectly cooked rice.

For teriyaki sauce (adapted from Japanese Women Don't Get Old or Fat):
2 Tbsp soy sauce
1/4 c. mirin
1 Tbsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. chili garlic sauce (more if you want it super spicy)
1 tsp. ginger juice

Mix ingredients together and let sit while you chop your veggies. This is a very easy sauce to change up according to your tastes-just start with the soy sauce and mirin and add from there.

For stir fry:
Marinate large uncooked peeled shrimp, 6-8 per person, in 2 Tbsp soy sauce and 1/4 c. sake or white wine for 5-10 minutes while you prepare your veggies.
Pick two veggies to go with your shrimp. I used broccoli and mushrooms, you could use bell peppers, bok choy, snow peas, anything that strikes your fancy. Try to stick to only two or three veggies though so you can focus on perfectly cooking each element. If using broccoli, peel and chop the thick stems and get the florets to a mostly uniform size.
Heat up a tablespoon or two of cooking oil in your large skillet or wok over medium-high heat. We use sesame oil whenever we cook asian food for the flavor and good cooking results. Using tongs, place your shrimp in the pan with just a little of the marinade. Cook quickly-2 mins per side at the most-if you overcook they will get tough and rubbery. Remove from pan.
Add mushrooms and broccoli stems and half of the teriyaki sauce to the same pan. Saute for a few minutes until the mushrooms start to soften and release some of their water. Add broccoli florets and the other half of the teriyaki sauce. Cover for just a minute to slightly steam the broccoli, then remove the lid and saute for 3-4 mins more. You can add a can of water chestnuts at this point if you'd like-make sure they are well drained. When veggies are tender-crisp, add back in the shrimp and toss to coat with the sauce.
The key is the order of cooking-you do it all in one pan, but each one is at the right point of doneness because of the timing.

Obligatory 2010 Goals Discussion

2010-01-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

So it's that time of year when resolutions are made and new ventures are begun.

I've never been a big fan of new year's resolutions-I prefer to make the change when it needs to be made, not save up all your changes for some big push that will fizzle sometime in February. However, this year the timing is perfect for making resolutions, as Jer and I are working on establishing a new schedule and budget now that I am feeling better and we've worked through wedding and holiday craziness. Therefore, I give you some of my short and long term goals:

For the year:

1. Implement new schedule. Jer and I worked on this to incorporate some of our individual and mutual goals, such as getting in daily exercise and giving each other good personal de-stress time. Jer needs his techie creative time and I need my literary creative time or we both go a little nutso. Things might need tweaking as we go along, but I think we can find a good rhythm that works for both of us.

2. Regarding literary creative time, I will have an hour every night that I want to spend reading and writing. Getting into a regular practice of writing, whether it be blogging, journaling, story creation or freewriting, is definitely one of my goals this year. Hopefully the practice will get me ready to try out National Novel Writing Month in November.

3. Budgeting. We've got a few things figured out but still need to cement a final structure on this. Depending on bonuses and raises, I'm hoping that we can have all the debt outside of the mortgage paid off by the end of the year, March 2011 at the latest. This will be slowed down by our plans for house projects, furniture, and travel.

4. Take one fabulous trip. October will be a great month to take a wonderful overseas vacation for our anniversary. I have already reserved the last half of the month off, and we are talking about places like Australia or Spain or somewhere equally wonderful. We both love international travel and experiencing new places, and it will be awesome to do that together.

So breaking it down to this month's goals:

1. Eat from the Pantry Challenge. I did a lot of grocery shopping in November and December, what with stocking a new kitchen and experimenting with holiday recipes. I probably bought way more food than I needed-we are only two people after all. So I am going to do my best to not go to the grocery store except for perishable items like dairy and produce, and basic ingredients as they run out, like flour and sugar. I'm making bread, experimenting with soup recipes (a lot of pasta and beans in my pantry!) and cutting down portion sizes to stretch leftovers. We also signed up for a CSA so we would get fresh organic produce every week that would force some creativity into our diet (which worked wonderfully last week as I found the most delicious way to eat chard).

2. Workout 3 hours a week. The new schedule gives me about 45 min every afternoon for working out. I plan to alternate cardio and strength training and start getting myself back in shape. Three months of medications that make you gain weight and an extended illness that leaves you too exhausted to do much more than collapse when you get home from work have led to a change in my body shape that I do not enjoy. I'm hoping to lose 20 pounds in the next three months.

3. Finish the living room. We almost had the living room done and then decided to rearrange some other rooms, and the living room again became a receptacle for random stuff. By the end of the month I want to have it DONE. No more stacks of boxes, find a place for everything and put it there, put up shelves and pictures on the wall and get our couch and loveseat moved in. That way we could actually start having people over!

4. Mail Thank You cards. I know that technically I have a year after the wedding to get cards out, but I really wanted to get them out in November. Illness ended up foiling my plan, and prevented getting any Christmas cards out as well. So by the end of the month I want to get all my thank yous mailed. Oh, and all the gift cards used!

I think that's enough for now. I tend to overcommit myself at times, so I think I will save the rest for next month. Being well again has given me both physical and emotional energy now so I look forward to getting into a good rhythm and checking things off my list. Here's to 2010!

Ending on a Good Note

2009-12-31T12:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I felt normal.

With all the life changes, moving and reorganizing, figuring out married life, travel, and insane medical issues overshadowing everything, normal was an unexpected and welcome blessing. I wasn't exhausted or in pain when I woke up, my day at work was quiet yet productive, I walked around downtown running errands without getting winded, I even worked out for the first time in forever, and made a fabulous new recipe for dinner. And then I baked bread, which we all know is one of my favorite things to do (although my sourdough still doesn't taste very sour. We'll give it time). All in all, a great day.

So we end 2009, the biggest year of my life, on a positive note. Today I get to see the Kiwi for the first time in almost six months, and then I go home and spend the evening with my husband, relaxing, enjoying each other, and dreaming for the future. All without feeling like my skin is about to disintegrate. Sounds fabulous to me.

Talk to you next year!

Skin

2009-12-18T09:22:00.000-08:00

I've been rather MIA lately, spending most of my nights at home. Some might think this is because of my newlywed status or the move to the hinterlands of Bothell/Mill Creek, but sadly, it is because of my skin.

I've struggled with eczema my entire life. A family history of allergies and a bad case of atopic dermatitis have made me susceptible to flareups of hives, blotchy red skin, crazy itchiness, and the dreaded flaky dryness. When I was younger I had large patches of eczema that would move around my body-backs of my legs, iniside of my arms, even my face at one point. I have been able to manage it pretty well in my adult life-in college people commented on how great my skin was-other than a couple of years of bad bacterial infections that left me with some scarring.

Well, this year has been a doozy. Thanks to what we believe was an allergic reaction to a medication, I broke out in a horrible case of eczema, possibly the worst of my life. What followed was the nightmare of any eczema sufferer: caught in the itch-scratch cycle of death, the skin becomes thin and broken, which results in bacterial infections. Sometimes the infections show up as acne, but this time it showed up as redness and burning over my face, chest, and arms. I looked like I had the worst sunburn of my life, or perhaps had just been pulled out of a burning building.

You know how when you are sick, your body creates a fever, in order to kill off the virus or bacteria that is causing your sickness? Well imagine if that fever was not internal but was in your skin. Heat radiating off your body, causing extreme pain and tightness in the skin, combined with redness, itch, fatigue, and headaches. The only relief came from wrapping myself in cold wet sheets to pull the heat off.

Needless to say, this situation has not made me very social. Who wants to go hang out when you are tired, burning up with feverish skin, and have a blotchy red face and neck? And next week I head out to Kentucky to meet all the new relatives over Christmas, a stress-inducing situation that would just be made worse by my illness.

My wonderful husband has been my rock through all of this, taking care of me and making life less hopeless. He's been cooking and cleaning and wrapping me in wet sheets and keeping a steady stream of audio-visual entertainment coming for these nights when I come home and collapse. And in the midst of it all, he still makes me feel beautiful and wanted, even when I am tempted to feel like an ugly burden. He comforts me, prays with me, and generally makes life worth living.

But thank goodness, I was finally able to get in to a new allergist this week. I've got quite the drug cocktail going of things to kill the infection and calm the allergic response. And three days in I no longer have to wrap myself in cold sheets and don't look like a burn victim. I'm still working through all the symptoms, but at least I feel like I might be able to be seen in public this weekend. So I hope I see you, my friends that I miss, and hope that you will pray for my continued healing.

Advent Conspiracy

2009-12-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

Oh how glad I am that this movement got some press time!

My family stopped exchanging gifts back when I was five years old. Over the years we have chosen other things to do to celebrate-volunteering, making baskets of goodies for neighbors and friends, donating to organizations who will provide goats and chickens and such to families in third world countries. I give gifts to a few friends, but never make a Christmas list and am slightly appalled at the excess of consumerism that seems to have taken over the system.

I don't really get the Focus on the Family Stand for Christmas campaign either. Why do we want to make sure that Christmas is associated with rampant materialism and corporate greed? For more on this topic, check out the Raccoon's blog, which I thought put it very eloquently.

Gifts should be an expression of love, one that comes from a desire to bless, not a sense of obligation or desire to keep up appearances. Christmas gifts can be that, but it is also very easy to get caught up in the world's perspective on possessions and status. We would do well to examine our motives and teach our children why we give at Christmas.

Sartorial Notes

2009-11-20T17:00:00.000-08:00

Several years ago at work I had the following conversation regarding my wardrobe:

Coworker: "All you ever wear is purple and black."

Me: "That's not true!"

CW: "You're wearing purple and black right now!"

Me: "No I'm not. I'm wearing gray and lavender."

Variations on this conversation have popped up over the years, and I am known for my fierce devotion to purple as a fashion do (although, I have to say, usually a decorating don't. You'll never find me painting my walls violet or fuchsia). I also wear a LOT of black. It's simple, classic, slimming. Always in style, easy to accessorize, and good with my skin tone. I've tried to mix things up with some gray pieces, which has been fairly successful. For awhile my work wardrobe was some variation of this outfit: suit jacket with pants or skirt, in black or gray, and some purplish top. Less successful is expanding into navy blue-most navy pieces are for either a) women over 50 b) sailors or c) women of any age wanting to look like sailors. I don't know why navy is considered an "older woman" color-a sharply tailored navy suit is quite smashing with a silvery lavender blouse or a jewel toned shell. But just try to find cute shoes to go with said navy suit, and you find that the prejudice against navy runs deep. I've been looking for four years and am starting to lose hope.

Lately though I have circled back around to another neutral: brown. You would think with my olive skin, brown hair, and hazel eyes, brown clothing would be a no-brainer for me. However, I find it much more difficult to work into my wardrobe. Browns come in too many non-matching shades to match easily (whereas black always goes with black, unless you do a horrible job washing it and your black item is now off-black). Also, some browns simply clash with my hair. Strange but true: was in Old Navy the other day looking at their cute cardigans, and as fabulous as the brown was on the display, when I tried it on it looked horrible next to my particular shade of brown hair. I compromised with purchasing the pink, as it goes well with both my hair and brown clothes.

Why this sudden foray back into the world of brown? Well, I have always had a few brown pieces, and therefore I had a brown coat and a brown bag. The bag is fabulous, but the coat had seen better days. While on my honeymoon, I came across the most sumptuous brown suede jacket, complete with fuzzy lining and faux fur accented hood. After seeing my face light up when trying it on, my generous husband promptly bought said jacket. While I have never been a big fan of fur, real or otherwise, somehow it works on this coat, and I just feel extra warm and comfy in this jacket.

With the jacket purchased and a great bag already in my collection, it was time to upgrade the brown boots. One must always have boots in black and brown, because there is no surviving winter without them, but my brown boots had been purchased at either Payless or JCPenney, neither stores known for their long-lasting quality footwear. The boots were accordingly quite run down. So I bought these, which I had been drooling over for quite awhile, biding my time until a good sale+coupon deal came along. Originally $150, purchased for $80, supremely comfy and stylish. I am wearing them as I type, and couldn't be happier.

Now I am on the prowl for brown and tan skirts, since a skirt with a good pair of boots is one of the cutest outfits around. I have a few brown shirts, so a nice tan skirt like this snazzy one from NY&Co seems like it would fit the bill quite nicely. NY&Co also has this cute skirt, although the photo online doesn't seem that brown to me. I'm looking for a good chocolate color.

(Of course, in the searching for skirts, I came across this gorgeous crimson number at Ann Taylor. My favorite non-neutrals to wear are in fact purple, cobalt blue, and dark red, and I love a strong dark red bottom with a black top. This is taking me away from my new brown commitment, but hey, nothing is going to take me away from my classic black look, not even the coziest coat of all time.)

(And furthermore, going to Ann Taylor is dangerous, because I will inevitably find several hundred dollars' worth of goodies I would like to purchase, such as this phenomenal dress. And if I wore pointy-toed shoes, I would totally buy these kitten heels.)

But back to the brown. It's harder than usual to find good brown pieces-perhaps it is not as popular this year, or (perish the thought) it too has been relegated to the world of navy, limited in style and options. But I seem to remember several seasons over the last decade where brown was considered the 'it' neutral of the moment, so I won't despair. I'm sure in a week the fashion gurus will have declared gray to be old and dull, and chocolate brown the greatest thing since women stopped wearing corsets and hoop skirts.

I'm not giving up my favorites, of course. One thing I tell people who ask me for fashion advice is to find what works on you-both colors and styles-and then don't compromise on that just to please the fashion mavens. Fortunately, purple looks really good on me, and so I have no qualms buying a lot of it. And brown and purple? Perfect combo.

So the next time someone says all I ever wear is black and purple, I can correct them and inform them that I also wear brown and purple!

Barefoot, but not pregnant, in the kitchen

2009-11-11T12:36:00.000-08:00

In the short time since we have been home from our honeymoon, I have spent considerable time nesting. This has included some unpacking and organizing, as well as some discussions around possible remodel projects (including last night's trip to Home Depot, which I believe was for moral support, as I am completely worthless as a source of any real home repair/remodel expertise). The majority of my time and effort, however, has gone into cooking: reading recipes, planning meals, grocery shopping, and experimenting in the kitchen.

I've always loved to cook and bake but there is an amazing freedom (real or imagined) that comes from having your own kitchen. While I do share this space with a husband perfectly capable of creating excellent meals, there is a certain immediate ownership that has been granted me as the wife. I look at the food ads and make the menu and grocery list, and Jer gets to come home to warm homecooked meal. It's the least I can do, considering he gets up early and makes me coffee and breakfast every morning. What a guy!

Adding to the excitement of having my own kitchen is the acquisition through several generous wedding gifts of a host of kitchen appliances. I now own a cuisinart, a wafflemaker, an ice cream maker, several excellent pots and pans, a whole host of baking pans and dishes, and the grand poobah of the kitchen: my Kitchen Aid Onyx Black Pro 600 Stand Mixer. I grew up with a kitchenaid and I absolutely love it. It was definitely my number one "love to have" on our registry. Sunday we made waffles for brunch and then I whipped up a batch of peanut butter cookies on a whim, just because I could. So fast, so easy.

I've been collecting recipes for years now, subscribing to blogs and email lists from places like allrecipes.com. While I was able to try a few out in my year at the yellow house, I was still living a very busy life and sharing the kitchen with four other people. Now I have free reign to experiment and work through all those recipes, as well as new ideas from recent book acquisitions. Just last week I made an easy fettucine with awesome roasted broccoli, my old favorite taco soup, and chicken thighs in white wine with roasted red potatoes, yams, and tomatoes (in this last one I took two recipes and combined them, using what I liked, and ignoring what I didn't. It was superb). Tonight we are experimenting with broccoli cheddar soup. Mmmmm...

My efforts must be paying off, because not only does my husband seem very happy about his well-fed status, but he just bought materials for a new butcher block countertop for the island. I'm not going to be able to make much for the next few days, but when he's done it will be fabulous and functional. Now if I can just get the rest of the house clean and put together, I might be able to invite some of you over to help Jer with the taste-testing!

Marriage

2009-11-03T15:06:00.000-08:00

I'm married.

Sometimes I stop and look up at the sky and say, "REALLY?!?!?!" in wonder and amazement at the blessings of our God. I am married, to an amazing man, who loves God and loves people and loves me.

Requited love is seriously awesome.

My husband (oh, how I love saying that) is also quite awesome. He spoiled me rotten on my honeymoon, not only materially with gifts and dinners out and such but also with his tender loving care. Any man out there who is or wants to be a husband should know that the traits which truly make a wife tremble with delight are as follows: gentleness, faithfulness, sincerity, lovingkindness, patience, servanthood, confidence, encouragement, passion, and a good dose of silliness. My husband possesses these traits in spades.

It's easy for folks to dismiss my gushing as newlywed bliss, but my mom speaks of these traits in my father, and how they still make her giddy, even after twenty-something years of marriage. The trick, I think, is to keep this constant love and gratitude alive. It is too easy to let apathy and irritation steal the joy of these blessed times, when what we need is to live in this sense of goodness and blessing always, no matter the circumstances.

It's the same way with God I think-we lose our utter devotion and sense of awe, our giddy enjoyment of the presence of the Savior. Pastor Eugene reminded us this weekend in his sermon that God is amazing-absolutely astounding-and He is pursuing us, which is even more incredible! And so we must give our lives to Him, pursue Him as He draws us near. This is why marriage is an example of the mystery of Christ and the church-a constant cycle of love and pursuit, of fulfillment and desire, of service and blessing. But it must be lived out each and every moment. We cannot let love die on the vine.

I seek to love God and my husband with an ever-growing, ever-deepening love, a love that will not grow stagnant through the years but will instead be full of joy as the decades pass.

Here's to joy, and being happily married.

Bridesmaids

2009-10-23T10:47:00.001-07:00

Last night was my bachelorette party. It was a fabulous relaxing evening of pampering and good food, good drinks, and excellent company.

I have seven bridesmaids. One is unfortunately locked away in a hostel in Ireland, so only six will be at the wedding. Those six were together in the same room last night for the very first time. It was amazing to look around and this group of girls, recognizing what they mean to me, and yet how different they all are. They represent many years of friendships, many stages of my life, many facets of my personality. You can read more about each one here.

I'm glad to have such a diverse group of friends. I consider myself a pretty complex person, and each one of them draws out a different side of me. They have been with me through growing up years, times of joy and times of sadness, times of struggle and times of fun. They make me more myself. I am very very blessed.

It will be awesome to have them all up there with me tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

I'm getting married tomorrow!!!

Ending Global Poverty

2009-10-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

My selfish side wants to post about wedding stuff and how tired I am and excited to be getting married on Saturday. But today is a very special day for my church community and my pastor Eugene Cho. Not only is this his birthday, but today he and his family are launching their new nonprofit One Day's Wages. This has been a long time coming, from vision to early planning to final preparations for the launch today. It's been great to be a part of it in some small way, and to finally see the fruit of all the hard work that has been put into it.

Take a look around the site, calculate your one day's wages, make a donation. Jer and I are proud to partner with Eugene and Minhee, and everyone else who is supporting the cause of ending global poverty. This is something we can and should make a priority in our lives, both as Christians and as citizens of this world.

Meditations on the Miracle

2009-10-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

The wedding is 9 (!!!) days away, and planning is finally winding down. Most of the major stuff is done and now we are just wrapping up lose ends, printing programs, buying foodstuffs, finding folks to help serve punch and pack up rental items and the like. In the midst of all the planning I have been trying to spend some time reading up on this marriage thing I am starting on. There are a plethora of marriage books out there so I have tried to be selective, taking recommendations from folks I trust and looking up authors I have read before that I feel have good theology.

My picks have ranged from old spiritual classics to fun books on having a great sex life. The best book I have read so far is Intimate Allies by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman. Hands-down, it is the best combination of the spiritual and the practical, discussing both the whys and hows of creating and keeping a strong, spiritually and emotionally vibrant marriage. It's definitely one I will reread.

Another recommended title was Mike Mason's The Mystery of Marriage. When I first started reading it, I found it a bit heady and theoretical, and in my stressed-out state I found that I had trouble wading through his wordy ruminations on his wonder at how surprising marriage is. But I've dug back into it the past few days, and I've been able to appreciate it a bit more. Maybe I am not as stressed (not likely) or maybe it is just that every now and then I stop and look up in amazement as I consider the fact that in just a few more days I will be a married woman, with a new name and a new role. I'm thrilled, excited, and more than a little awestruck at this blessing.

So I've enjoyed the meditations more. A few passages in his chapter on vows that struck me in my reading yesterday:

"God is not interested, ultimately, in natural attraction. He wants us to come to know the supernatural attraction of His own sort of love."

"When we surrender to marriage and to the sinner God once unaccountably gave us the ability to love, then we surrender in faith and in the very depth of our will to God Himself."

"Marriage is one of the supreme earthly ways by which God enables men and women to choose eternity, and actually to grow into His own changelessness and constancy by slowly acquiring the only constancy that is possible in this world of decay, which is the constancy of the heart, the constancy of loving faithfulness."

"While it is true that a man and a woman on their wedding day take a step toward a unique fulfillment of the commandment of love, it is even more true to say of matrimony that it is a sacramental outpouring of God's grace enabling such love to take place."

And he goes on and on, challenging our shallow ideas of love and commitment. He really digs deep into the spiritual reality of seeking to love another person wholeheartedly, of giving your life to them. It's good stuff. And despite the enormity of this choice, this vow I am making, I am more excited than ever to walk into this marriage with God's grace and love empowering me to love this man I have been blessed with.

Foodstuffs

2009-10-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

We went to Maggiano's in Bellevue for dinner last night. I had been there once for a corporate event, but that is not the same as the actual dining room experience. We were seated right away and greeted promptly by our very energetic waitress (this was in contrast to our experience at a different establishment on Saturday when we were ignored for ten minutes, after which we went and talked to the manager and finally got some service). The perky gal asked us if we had ever been there before and when we said no, she said that she would get something special for us. This I found confusing, and kind of dismissed, until the executive chef herself came out from the kitchen with a complimentary appetizer and thanked us for coming in and thanked our waitress for introducing us.

I love it when restaurants take that extra step. They could have just provided good food and prompt service and it would have been fine. But taking the time to make a personal gesture went a long way. It also seemed to be a corporate culture-the front of the house manager also stopped by to ask us how our evening was going.

The food was excellent by the way-some of the best manicotti I have ever tasted (the chicken was so tender, it was almost like crab) and Jer's butternut squash ravioli was fabulous. And they had a great program where you could choose two half-portions of pasta, eating one at the table and having the other packaged and ready at the end of the meal. So you paid a normal entree price, but ate a reasonable amount, and had leftovers ready for you. Much healthier portions and a smart way to create value for the customer.

The dessert wasn't spectacular (I'm really not a fan of dry cake) but the wine and coffee were good and the entire experience was enjoyable. So if you find yourself over at Lincoln Square one evening and want a really great Italian food experience, try out Maggiano's.

Since we are talking about food, I should share that we have the menu set for our reception. Jer's chef friends Aaron H and Jamie K collaborated on the menu and Aaron will be cooking up the goods. We wanted a tapas-style setup-with an afternoon reception and a huge guest list we didn't want a full sit-down meal. Somehow through the discussion of our food likes and dislikes and their amazing creativity they came up with this fabulous list of tastiness:

-Moroccan Seared Beef
-Roasted Portabella Mushrooms with Lemon zest and truffle oil
-Sweet Grilled Butternut squash with Coriander
-Molasses roasted pears
-Mediterranean spiced risotto
-Muhumarra with walnut oil and Pomegranate Molasses
-Hummus with Roasted garlic and cumin
-Grilled flat bread with fig jam and olive oil
-Fresh Spinach with Garlic, roasted red pepper and lemon

I love the Mediterranean theme (it's kind of an unconscious nod to my Syrian heritage), as well as the inclusion of figs, since that is my animal/vegetable/mineral alter ego (if this confuses you, talk to my roommate Bethany). And really, these are some of my favorite foods: mushrooms, squash, red pepper, pears, hummus, spinach. I am very excited to have these tastes and smells at my reception. I only hope I get to eat a bite of everything in the midst of the celebration!

Three Weeks

2009-10-03T14:44:00.000-07:00

There is a point in wedding planning where you just want it to be done. You had your fun, and now you want the wedding to be here, today, because you don't want to plan anymore, you just want to get married.

I am at that point, but there is still alot to do. Confirming things with the chef friend, putting in the rental order, picking up the dress that should have been done last week (wtf!) figuring out the ceremony order and printing programs, choosing music. And then there is packing and moving my stuff and figuring out what to wear after the reception and what to pack for the honeymoon. Most importantly though, there is trying to work on being mentally and emotionally and spiritually ready to be a wife.

I think I'm ready. Things may not be done, but I am ready to walk down that aisle. I'm ready for his house to be our house. I'm ready to be Mrs. Anderson.

Now if I can just get everything else ready in the next three weeks, I will be good to go.

One Month

2009-09-24T09:07:00.001-07:00

I am getting married in a month.

OmigoodnessIamgettingmarriedinamonthI'msoEXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hehehehehe....

Seattle

2009-09-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning rather on time for a change. Made a good breakfast, got ready, packed my gym bag and headed out the door. There is an early morning chill right now that says it is fall, even if the midday temperatures are still in summer mode, and I had to wait for my car to defog a bit before heading out to the transit center to catch the bus downtown. I pulled out of my street, turned onto Wallingford Ave, and there before me I could see Seattle in all its glory, sunlight reflecting off the skyscrapers in the mist.

And I realized, I won't have that view first thing in the morning for much longer.

Jer owns a house in Bothell. Well, he says it's Mill Creek, but the post office claims it is Bothell, and I tend to be a stickler for legal descriptions. Really, it is a no-man's land at the convergence of a bunch of places: just north of where I5 meets 405, if you head west half a mile you are in Lynnwood; go east half a mile and you are in Mill Creek proper.

It's a nice house-even though I have never been much for split level construction it has its own charm and the floor plan works pretty well. Our yard is kind of awkward but there is a prettyish sort of wilderness on one side and a peaceful place to sit and read. I feel at home there, and look forward to converting it from the nerdy bachelor pad it is to a good joint expression of us. Jer wants to remodel the kitchen and build me a walk-in closet; I want to paint the walls and buy patio furniture. And it is wonderful, in the midst of all the planning craziness and the moving and the big life change of marriage, to not have to worry about finding a place to live.

But still, it's Bothell. It's an hour commute to work, half an hour (in good traffic) to church. Far from my friends in Seattle, my family in Burien, my favorite places like Kerry Park and Greenlake. I'll go from being able to walk to the lake or bus downtown to the market to living in suburbia. I can't really say that I live in Seattle anymore-although I'll probably try to pull something like "I live just north of Seattle" or "I live in the Seattle area." For the past ten years I have loved saying that I live in Seattle. Even when I was living with my parents in Burien I put Seattle as my address because we lived right on the line (wait, that's what Jer does with his Mill Creek thing. I guess I have to stop teasing him about that. Oh well.) I just love Seattle. A lot.

But I love Jer more.

I have always said that I only had three relationship dealbreakers: he had to be a passionate Christian, he had to want kids, and he had to want to live in Seattle. I was talking to my mom awhile back, before Jer and I were engaged, when I was deciding that he was the man for me. My mom asked what I would do if Jer was called to live somewhere else, to leave the Northwest, to go serve the Lord in a foreign country or take care of family back east or some such thing. And in the process of mulling over that question I realized that I would follow him anywhere, that while I would be sad, I would go. I felt the conviction in my soul that truly, home is wherever he is.

That doesn't mean that I would ever really want to leave, or that I won't still fight passionately for raising our kids in Seattle. Really, a house in Wallingford or somewhere around Greenlake has always been my ideal. And I will miss my current house, with my awesome roomies and my easy access lifestyle. But I would do just about anything to live with this man I love. I'll brave the commute and the rising gas costs and the suburban shopping centers, just to be there to take him in my arms when he gets home from a long day at the office.

So come October, my address will no longer be Seattle. And I will be happy about it. I'm also excited to learn that there will be a Quest Northside Community Group just down the street from us. And who knows, if the real estate market ever recovers, maybe someday soon we can sell the Bothell house and move back down to Seattle. Jer is not averse to the idea-the more I show him around Seattle the more he seems to like it. Someday perhaps my kids can wake up to a view of Seattle out their bedroom window. I hope they will love this city as much as I do.

6 Months...and a website.

2009-09-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

We've been working on the wedding website over the last couple of weeks. It's still a living document, but you can check out what we have so far.

We've known each other for 6 months today. Wow. Half a year. It feels like forever, and it feels like a moment. And we're 33 days out from the wedding day. So close and yet so far. Time is just so relative in the world of love.

Bridal Showers

2009-09-12T10:49:00.001-07:00

I love showers of the water-based variety. A nice warm shower relaxing your muscles after a good workout. A refreshing shower to wake you up early in the morning. A nice fall drizzle in October, a spring shower to bring summer flowers (well, that's how it works here in Seattle).

There are other showers I don't like at all, however, and those would be the partyish ones. Bridal showers, baby showers, anything involving a big group of women getting together to play inane party games and ooh and ahh over each other. I try to avoid them if I can, and have had anxiety attacks at many of the ones I haven't been able to skip out on.

Anxiety attacks in large social gatherings are something I've struggled with for the past ten years or so, but somehow showers are the most difficult parties to manage emotionally. Perhaps it is the fact that they are predominantly attended by women, and my own history of awkwardness and hurt with members of my gender. Not that I haven't had awkwardness and hurt with guys, but mostly when I was growing up I was good at just relaxing and being one of the guys. I grew up with brothers and a brood of male cousins, and spent most of the years that I was in schools hanging with some random group of nerdy boys. They let me be, and I didn't feel like they were constantly judging me.

Girls though, girls were judging. It's true what they say-most girls don't wear fancy designer clothes for boys-most of them don't care, as long as you look sexy-no, we wear them for the girls who are evaluating our outfits. Whether we are fourteen or fourty, we clean our homes and dye our hair and buy the right brand of whatever because we fear judgement, criticism, not fitting in.

And I never fit in.

Even though I was assured that not fitting in was a good thing, and in my mind, I agreed with that (who wants to fit in with a bunch of critical, appearance-obsessed backstabbers?) I still longed for that feeling of belonging. That feeling that there was a group of people who would accept me for me, who were happy that I was at the party, who I could relax with.

Showers always felt too much like middle school, like a social test, like another opportunity to be ridiculed or rejected. It's the social mixer on steroids: a whole group of people, only half of whom you've ever met, and most of whom you only know through someone else. We're all on our best behavior, trying to make small talk (one of my least favorite things) and putting up false fronts. There is this unspoken pressure to say the right thing, to be perfectly charming, to not say or do anything to rock the boat, because this is supposed to be a cheery, sweet occasion.

Maybe this is me projecting my own issues, but I know plenty of other girls who feel the same way. And yet we continue to have these showers, continue to play the ridiculous games and make the sugary small talk. Sigh...

But here's the thing: in the midst of my utter disdain for showers, I am completely excited for my own.

I don't understand it. I hate these things. I debated whether or not to even have one, only agreeing because I knew that The Raccoon would do a fabulous job of making it as comfortable as possible. No Jer and Becca trivia quiz, no toilet paper gown, no pin the veil on the bride (I'm not wearing a veil anyway, why have one at the shower?) I still wasn't sure how I would feel about it-usually if I am going to a shower, a deep sense of dread builds up in the pit of my stomach for a few days prior until the day of I am sure that I am going to make myself sick so I don't have to go.

But no dread, no anxiety, just excitement.

I suppose it's easier being the bride. You know everyone, you don't have to make small talk with folks you don't know. You get to sit there and let people serve you cake and bring you presents and gush over you.

Really though, I think it is the guest list that makes the difference. I know the girls on my evite, girls that have changed my perspective on groups of women. These are generous, genuine women who love God and people, and have accepted me. I know I don't have anything to prove with them, any standard to live up to, because they like me just the way I am.

I know that I should feel that way with everyone all the time-that I should be secure enough in my identity and self-worth to not worry about the acceptance of others. But that takes a lot of constant energy, a diligent focus on being completely at peace with myself, at walking in my identity in Christ. And usually showers create the biggest drain on that energy-a virtual black hole sucking the life right out of me. But I think today will instead be a day of blessing, a day that gives me energy because I am surrounded by people who affirm that identity and celebrate it with me.

Labor Day

2009-09-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

I used to listen to this hilarious speaker many years ago, and one of his favorite subjects was how much we work, the lack of vacation in the American system, and national holidays. This section went something like this:

You work and work and work. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday, paycheck to paycheck. Friday to Friday-LABOR DAY!!!!!!!!!-and then back to work. Friday to Friday paycheck to paycheck. And next year you do it all over again.

It was funnier in person. But happy Labor Day, just the same.

Good Air In, Bad Air Out

2009-08-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Wedding is eight weeks from tomorrow, and last night was probably my first big stressed-out moment.

It didn't last long-I just needed to take a few hours break from all the planning and tasks to just relax with Jer and enjoy his company. I think wedding-planning Sabbaths are probably a very good idea, as it can be waaayyy too easy to let the planning consume every waking moment.

But last night I was sitting there looking at the huge pile of invitations, glad that the corrected ones finally arrived but realizing that 1) I was a week behind on the addressing/mailing and 2) our guest list has somehow swelled to 405 people in the past two weeks.

405 people! At the beginning of the process, I thought that we would be inviting around 250, with maybe 150 showing up. But between out of town relatives and long lost business associates and very important people we forgot to put on the list, the google doc has grown to gargantuan proportions. And so now I have that doc following me around town whispering in my ear: "you won't have enough chairs! You won't have enough money for food! People will be disappointed in you!"

The last one, is, of course, a familiar sound. Disappointing people is a huge lifelong fear that I battle constantly, something that requires a lot of diligent prayer. And of course, while your wedding is all about you and your future spouse, it is also a huge opportunity for the worry of 'what people will think' to come knocking on your door. I mean, even the way you address the invitations is subject for debate-do you say Mr. and Mrs. John Doe or Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe? Do you go formal or informal on the inner envelope? Will cousin so-and-so be offended if you refer to him by his full name instead of his nickname? Or will he be offended by writing it the other way around?

I know these are petty fears, but it is so very easy to let them build up and send you spiraling down into the depths of despair. And so you need to regularly pull yourself out of the wedding mania and take a good look at reality and remind yourself that ultimately, cousin so-and-so will just recycle the envelope, Jane Doe will get over it, and if your coworker only gets three hors d'oeuvres instead of four he will still survive. In the end, this day is going to be focused on you and your covenant with each other and God, not the show you put on. Just have to keep that perspective.

And remember to breathe.

PS: We started a wedding website! There are still a lot of missing pieces to it, but you can check it out here. I am personally very proud of my bridesmaid descriptions. :-)

Countdown: 66:01:59:24

2009-08-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

I love iGoogle, with the customizable home page and gadgets. Current favorite gadget is, of course, the countdown, which is ticking off the time until 2pm October 24th-when I will be walking down the aisle.

66 days. It seems like forever and it seems like tomorrow. I want to be married NOW, but I also have a lot to do to make the wedding happen!

People keep telling me I have a lot done, but I still feel that there is a ton to do. But as I mentioned before, I don't like having a list hanging over my head, so until everything is done, I won't feel completely at ease. Still, I have made a lot of progress:

Checked off list:

dress purchased
location for ceremony and reception reserved
tuxes chosen
bridesmaid dresses chosen and ordered
pastor confirmed
photographer chosen
chef friend agreed to do food
engagement party planned
rehearsal dinner planned
invitations ordered
stores chosen for registry

Still needs work:

guest list almost done-missing some addresses
dress alterations (want to lose some weight first!)
actually registering-going shopping this weekend!
decide on menu for reception
recruited friends to help with decorating, but no details decided on
fabulous processional music being composed by wonderful family friend
still short a groomsman!

Completely not done and a source of possible stress:

invitations not mailed-and need to be mailed by Aug 24th, a mere four days after they arrive at my door (if UPS is on time)
florist not chosen (although I know what colors and types of flowers I want)
cake (still waiting to hear if a friend can help with it)
premarital counseling
Jer's ring (we've gone and looked once, but have made no decisions)
reception music (to DJ or not to DJ, that is the question)
wedding program (both the flow of service and the actual paper thing to be handed out)
honeymoon

And of course, there are all the things that I have probably not even thought of and need to have on the list. Oof. But hey, it will all be worth it. The important things are done-we have a place, a pastor, and each other. No matter what happens, in 66 days I will be getting married, whether there are flowers or not!

Say What?

2009-08-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

I'm getting kid of tired of all these pundits and articles proclaiming that the recession is over. Seriously dudes. The economic factors might be stabilizing, for the moment, but that does not mean that the reality of financial trouble has left the streets. With an unemployment rate near 10%, rising foreclosures as moratoriums run out, and a fresh crop of bad retail numbers, our economy is just as bad as ever.

The problem is, if we fuel another big market bubble with false optimism, we're no better off than we were in 2006. We can tell each other all day that now is the time to buy, that this time it will be different, etc. etc. etc. but at the end of the day, if we don't change the fundamentals of how our economy operates, we will have another bust. Another dot-bomb. Another housing bubble popped on our face like so much Dubble Bubble. Another credit crunch squeezing the air out of our country's lungs.

People, if we continue to spend more than we earn, if we live enslaved to debt, if we don't save for emergencies, let alone for future goals, what do we expect? Do we think that our economy can continue growing when seventy-something percent of our economy is based on consumer spending, and that spending is based on debt? And don't even get me started on the trillions of dollars in national debt that we have created as a result of the fiscal stimulus packages in the past two years. I'm mad at Bush and Obama and all the members of congress that pushed for that.

Now is the time to honestly assess how our culture operates financially. Now is the time to put money into small business and innovation-where actual job growth is created-not keep pouring funds into big banks that will continue to cut more jobs as they tighten their expense ratios. Now is when we reevaluate our personal budgets and our national budget and try to make them match our priorities. But instead we tell people that the recession is over, that they should buy more cars, more houses, more stocks.

If there is another bubble, another meltdown, another once-in-a-lifetime market collapse in a year or two or three, I won't be surprised. In the meantime, I'll be saving and paying off debt, thank you very much.

When love doesn't feel like enough

2009-08-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

I had the great privilege this week of ministering to a good friend and colleague at work. It is always an honor and a burden when someone brings their questions about God and faith to you, but I was blessed to be asked for my perspective and prayer.

J is one of my best friends at work. We've had great discussions across the aisle and over lunch about God, life, and the insanity of the stock market. While I can't say I know the finer points of her theology, I know that she loves God and loves people, and seeks peace and righteousness. She is usually the eternal optimist and has the best attitude of anyone at work.

So it broke my heart to see her optimism fading and her faith weakened. While I was on vacation there was a brutal rape and murder in south Seattle. This horrific crime rocked her to her core, she said, not because she knew the victims but because she was just struck by the senselessness of it all. She asked the questions we all ask in these situations: how could God let such a thing happen? Where is His love and justice? How can we go on living our normal lives when these things can occur?

She told me that she spent a lot of time in prayer and just felt empty silence. She asked if I had an answer, something that makes sense of it all, that would stop the endless questions in her mind.

What do you say to that? There are no pat answers, no truisms, no oft-quoted verse about all things working together for good that will satisfy a heart aching and broken in response to brutality. Scripture, while powerful and good, can fall flat on the ears of one whose heart has lost faith in the goodness of God's creation.

I prayed as she shared with me, that I would speak with the words from the Spirit, that He would minister to her through me. I thought about the times when I was hopeless, the darkest moments of my depression years ago, when the only thing I could cling to was God.

And there in that moment I knew that the only answer that I had, the only answer any of us has, if the overwhelming love of God. I told her that I didn't have an easy solution, that no one in the world will. I told her about this week's sermon, which was about prayer that is unanswered and the sufficiency of God's grace, about how we must not only rest in His sovereignty, the fact that He is in control, but also that His grace, His love, is enough to sustain us and make all things new. I told her about when my mom died and the struggles that my dad went through. I told her to watch the video of John Mark McMillan sharing his song 'How He Loves Us', because in the end, the fact that God loves us is enough. Even when the world makes no sense, and bad things happen to good people, His love is enough. I told her to read The Shack for a perspective on God in the face of extreme grief. I prayed with her, there in the cafeteria, for peace and love to comfort her, that her heart would remain soft but that she would be rooted in Him.

I'm still a little overwhelmed by the conversation and the opportunity to speak into someone's life when they needed a word from God, to be able to share truth that I have been comforted by in the past. And it's just like God that the sermon this past Sunday was related, and I have been listening to 'How He Loves Us' all week long and thinking about how sufficient that love is, how all the blessings in this life-salvation, family, community, life and health, even just that we live here and now-they are all superfluous to the amazing blessing of His love.

It was a night many years ago, as I was praying through my depression and hopelessness, that I first came to that realization that God's love was sufficient. That even if nothing ever went right ever again, that even if I was alone and lonely in this world, that even if there was nothing on the other side of this life, that His love was enough. That the truth that He loved me was more than enough. And I knew it in the depths of my heart and soul, knew that indeed, nothing can separate us from the love of God. And in that moment, the Spirit of God spoke to my spirit, and I was able to let go of my questions, my pain and anger and sorrow that I had been holding onto because of my circumstances. I knew peace.

It's hard to live in that peace, in that place of acceptance and reliance on God's love. Sometimes love doesn't feel like enough, and all you want is answers, something concrete and rational to hold onto. We can acknowledge that our God is a mysterious God, and His ways are not our ways, and our vision is limited and cloudy, but knowing this doesn't take away our pain. So when things don't make sense, holding on to the truth that He loves us, that He loves those who are victims, that He even in His greatness loves those who are perpetrators, and that He desires justice and reconciliation-this is all we have. When all else fails, we can only seek the Spirit of God, and rest in His love. And somehow, it is sufficient.

Europe

2009-08-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

I finally got pictures up on facebook! You can view and read all about it here.

Yes, I know you want pictures, but....

2009-07-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

I've been super busy since I got back. Took a couple of days to relax with Jer and try to get over jet-lag, and now I am back at work and it is crazy busy. They rearranged the office while I was gone, so I came back to a new cubicle and boxes everywhere. And since I am busy with actual clients and work, I still haven't finished unpacking.

Haven't finished unpacking at home either. Well, the bags are empty, but most of the contents haven't made it past the floor or the laundry basket. In my defense, there have been people staying at my house who have been taking over the bathroom and the washing machine, and so I haven't been home much because it is too crazy there. I like clean, organized homes, and you can tell how busy or stressed I am by how messy my room is. Right now it looks like a tornado came through, and the kitchen looks worse (but that is not my fault!)

And of course, what I really want to do in the midst of this insanity is plan my wedding. Well, actually, I really want it to just be planned so I can relax. I am a get-it-done-right-away person, so a big to-do list with a million questions on it throws me into workaholic overdrive and all I think about night and day is how to word the invitations and what kind of food we should have and which flowers should be in my bouquet and whether or not we should have worship music and and and and. My biggest frustration is that when I am trying to make time to just relax and enjoy people, my mind is still going a million miles a minute, and I can feel it churning through all those questions. I know that in reality I have plenty of time, and should not worry, but my natural reaction is to drop everything and focus on getting it all done NOW.

I'm trying to moderate myself, and find a healthy schedule, with the right balance of sleep, fun, and getting stuff done. Haven't found that this week. Maybe in August. Maybe in November. Who knows. I've survived busier, crazier times than this, for sure. But I don't want my life to be one big crazy season after another. My pastor has been writing about making time for Sabbath and having a good rhythm, and I really agree with that idea, and know that it has been good for me in the past to have that. And I know that God was calling me to slow down and rest and not take on a lot of responsibility for the next year or so, and just enjoy life and people. I hope I can figure out how to do that, even with this wedding checklist hanging over me.

I promise I'll get pics of Europe and a few highlights from my trip up soon. It was a wonderful adventure and I loved it, and got a lot of sleep and physical activity and beautiful photos and fabulous memories. Stay tuned...

Nostalgica is Italian for Homesick

2009-07-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

We didn't even realize that we were in Italy. The train took us over the border and while we were trying to interpret the anouncement, it came into Ventimiglia, and the signs were all in Italian. We spent the rest of the train trip laughing at the useful words in the Rick Steves' Italian phrasebook (really, I am sure we will need to say "you are disgusting" and "I will remember you until Tuesday" while we are here) and then got only semi-lost (as is our habit) trying to find our B&B. So here we are, safely in Genoa, on the Italian (and final) leg of our trip.

It's kind of surreal to actually be in Italy. I don't know how long I have wanted to come here-it's just always been one of those big "I have to do this" sort of things. And now I am here, and it is beautiful, and I wish I wasn't missing my fiance so terribly. I love being here, but I love him more, and wish I could have both!

I've always been a homebody-not in terms of staying in all the time but staying in my hometown. As much as I love to travel and se new places, a week away is usually more than enough for me. I hit the super homesick point last week around Wednesday. I woke up feeling tired and melancholy after two days of wedding festivities in Argeles sur Mer (where we went for the wedding of Melissa's friend) and then at the internet cafe I found that Jer had sent me videos from home: of my family telling me how much they miss me and to wear sunscreen (thanks Mom) and of him, telling me how much he loves me. I missed him so much I cried.

I know I am supposed to completely enjoy my time here, but no matter how wonderful the trip, it doesn't take away the emptiness of not being home in Seattle, of not being with my family, of not being with Jer.

Still, I will persevere and continue to traipse about and enjoy the sights I have been looking forward to for years. I'm excited for tomorrow: Cinque Terre hiking begins, and continues until Monday, when we go to Florence. I'll be celebrating m birthday there in the heat and the beauty. And then Friday I come home, and reclaim my spot in Jer's arms. So altogether it will be an amazing week.

Bonjour!

2009-07-10T12:38:00.000-07:00

Despite being far away in Longjumeau, France (a suburb of Paris) I have amazing internet access end even a vonage line to make calls, thanks to my roomie's fabulous family who lives here. So while I thought I would be horribly disconnected for three weeks, I am instead updating Facebook and sending emails and calling my fiance (which helps with the missing him, but only a little).

Don't worry though, I am not wasting my vacation in front of the computer. I've spent two days straight wandering through Paris, visiting the Louvre, Notre Dame, and my absolute favorite, the Musee D'Orsay. Impressionism being one of my favorite periods of art, that museum was designed for me. Multiple floors of Monet, Degas, Cezanne, Pisarro, Van Gogh, and some Renoir for good measure, plus sculpture and architecture to boot. I know the Louvre is the big mac daddy of museums, but I can skip the Mona Lisa and head straight for the artist's garden at Argentuil.

Weather here continues fine (I love saying that, and wrote it on a few postcards) not too hot, skies mostly cloudy with sunbreaks. My favorite weather, honestly. Seventies and mild. And the city is on a river and the buildings are made of beautiful stone and on every corner is a cafe and today on the way to the museum we stopped for cafe au lait and pain et chocolat and it was fabulous. I do wish things weren't so expensive (we had to search forever to find lunch for less than 10 euro) but I'm on vacation, so that is to be expected.

I can't play tourist forever though, so I am looking forward to next week, when we rent an apartment and live on the beach for a week. We'll get some bread and wine and cheese from the market, throw on bathing suits and sarongs, and live in the sunshine. I fully expect to come back with a serious tan. Now if only I can keep that tan until October. It would go well with my wedding dress...

There are times when it is good to be a Martha...

2009-06-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

...and one of those times would be the summer you decide to plan a wedding in four months. Well, not that others haven't planned a wedding in less than four months, certainly, but then I also leave for Europe in a week, and so will lose a good three weeks of planning time. I return from vacation exactly three months before my wedding date, and in the world of modern wedding planning, that is not considered a lot of time.

But, that is okay, because planning and problem-solving is my forte. I'm a get-er-done kinda gal, and while other girls might just be coming out of their post-proposal fog and wondering what to do next, I'm already deep in the thick of the wedding to-do list. Now, this in no way means that I am not enjoying the bliss of engagement. Believe me, I am still on cloud nine, and every now and then I look down at the gorgeous ring on my finger and I say to God, "REALLY?!?" I still get comments on my glow, and my cheeks are regularly sore from smiling so much. Actually, I think it is my overwhelming happiness and joy that is spurring the frenzy of activity-I'm just so darned excited to marry this man, and I want to get on with it!

So, we have set a date in October and booked the church and the reception location. I have all 6 bridesmaids signed up and ready to go and looking at dress options. Colors are chosen, guest list is started, meeting with potential photographer is Saturday. We've talked about food and flowers and we've definitely decided that we have to have cheesecake for our wedding cake. So while wedding planning is typically stressful, especially when done in a short period of time, I am feeling pretty good about it.

But ask me at the beginning of October, and I might look more like the frazzled Martha that Jesus had to calm down! Fortunately Jer is good at that. :-)

It's a Sparkly!

2009-06-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

Well dear reader, the day has finally come. After years of writing about relational angst and waiting on God, I can now tell you: I'M ENGAGED!!!

Sunday afternoon I drove home from the Quest Life Together retreat, my last responsibility as ministry leader. It had been a great weekend, but the entire time I had been excited for Sunday, because Jer told me that we were going "out on the town" and I had to "dress fancy" and that we had to be on time. This limited amount of information was enough to make me and everyone else wonder if perhaps this would be the day that he proposed. (Sandy was taking bets-Blake put $20 on Jer proposing. Not sure what the odds were.) But I kept reminding all of us, especially myself, that one should not place expectations on the date, because then there will be no disappointments. You know, of course, that I wanted to be proposed to, but I was also not making any demands on the evening.

So I drove home excited and hopeful but willing for it to be just a great night with Jer. I poured myself into my little black dress, slipped on my fabulous purple heels, and waited for him to arrive. He was going to show up at 4:15; at about five after I headed upstairs to take one last look at myself in the full-length mirror, just to make sure. On my way through the living room, I looked outside and saw a limo on my street. A smile crept over my face and my heart started to race just a tad-I knew that there was no way that limo was for anyone else. I came out on the deck and there was Jer, with a huge bouquet of roses and irises (my favorite) and a big smile.

After the flowers were put in water and I had given Jer his card and gift (a picture of us for his desk at work) we got into the limo. Champagne was served, and the driver told us she would take us on a 'scenic route' to our destination. Jer said that we were going to dinner and a show, which sounded fabulous to me. And then he pulled out a box of Godiva chocolates. We have a long history with Godiva chocolates and Godiva chocolate cheesecake, so this was very apropos. There was a poem on top-he's given me a poem every month-but the lid was slightly askew, so he took a minute to "fix the chocolates". As he sat there with the box partially hidden, I started to think, oh oh oh, there's a ring in the box! There's a ring in the box! But of course, I remained calm, waited for him to finish, read the poem (which I can't remember now, it was something by Shelley about love) and then opened the box. And there in the center was the most beautiful ring! I got a big smile, and looked into his wonderful eyes, and he simply said, "marry me."

And I, of course, said yes.

We didn't cry, we were too giddy and excited. He put the ring on my finger and kissed me and I was just overwhelemed with joy and happiness. Our scenic drive ended in front of Teatro Zinzanni, the fun and wacky dinner theatre. We enjoyed the show and the meal and the wine, and the limo picked us up afterwards and took us for a drive along Alki and up to the lookout on the top of West Seattle, where we enjoyed the view of the city and the promise of a long life together there. It was a perfect evening, a wonderful proposal. He spoiled me, surprised me, and gave me a great story to tell our kids.

I am, understandably, very excited. Overwhelmingly so. I don't know if I have come down to earth quite yet. But in the midst of this ecstatic moment, I have a deep peace and confidence that this was (and is) how it was meant to be. Meeting this wonderful man out of the blue, being instantly swept up in what my mom is now referring to as "my whirlwind romance", and finding the man who will love me for the rest of my days, a man I can give my heart to with no reservations.

As I reflect on all of this, my heart and mind are full of all the verses and promises that God has given me over the past few years, and how He has been true to all of those words He gave me. The Lord has done a new thing; He has made streams of living water flow in the wilderness. He has brought me back from being rejected and broken in spirit. He has turned my mourning into dancing and my sorrows into joy. He has been faithful and has blessed me beyond anything I could have possibly imagined. And so I will sing and praise His holy and mighty name.

I'm getting married! Hallelujah!

Prayer for Pentecost

2009-06-01T17:44:00.001-07:00

I was going to post my prayer from Pentecost service last night, but it seems all the more applicable after reading about the murder of Dr. George Tiller at his church yesterday.

Dr. Tiller ran an abortion clinic, where he specialized in late-term abortions. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am passionately pro-life. I believe abortion is wrong, that it is the taking of an innocent life, and that it can only be considered in cases where carrying the baby to term will kill both mother and child. I will not vote for a pro-choice candidate. I would love to volunteer or work for a crisis pregnancy center sometime in the future, and I would love to see the church provide more love and care for unwed mothers who feel trapped without any other option.

However, I am sickened to read this story of a man murdered as he performed his duties as an usher at his church on Sunday. Perhaps the murderer thought he was saving lives, perhaps he thought he was enacting justice. But the way I read it, vengeance is the Lord's, and we cannot judge a man's heart. George Tiller will stand before Jesus in judgement for all his sins-just as you and I will-and the Lord will be the one who determines his guilt.

Sadly, by taking matters into his own hands, the murderer not only makes himself no better than this doctor (perhaps worse) but ruins the witness of pro-life advocates everywhere. Leading pro-life advocates are speaking out against the crime, but the damage is done.

I am anti-abortion, but I am also anti-murder. I am pro-life, not just for innocent babies, but for broken, fallen, guilty men and women like you and me, who need Jesus, not a bullet. And so I pray, today, as I did yesterday:

God,
Your faithfulness is beyond measure
Your mercies
new every morning
Your lovingkindness
knows no bounds

Give us Your faithfulness,
Your mercy
Your love

That we could be Your Body
in a broken world.

Bedrest

2009-05-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

This may not be the most coherent post, as I am currently on narcotic painkillers. Why, you ask? Well, because I have mono. Yes, that mono. No, it's not because of the kissing-my boyfriend doesn't have it, and since he's the only guy I have ever kissed in my life, I think I must have gotten it some other way. No idea how, or where, or when (mono can take 1-2 months to show up after you have been exposed). But instead of a fully enjoyable weekend of visiting friends and family functions, I spent Memorial Day at the ER with a 103 fever and a throat so swollen I could barely swallow. But two liters of IV fluid and a whole lot of drugs made me feel much better.

But now I am stuck at home on bedrest for the week. No work, no heavy lifting-pretty much no physical exercise at all, because mono can cause your spleen to enlarge (along with all the other glands in your body) and then if you overexert yourself you can rupture said spleen, and that is BAD. Mono can take weeks to recover from, and you have to get lots of rest at the beginning or it will drag on forever. So here I am in my room, trying to a) not infect anyone else and b) not go insane.

I am a doer. Always have been. I admit that this tendency leads to overworking myself, and when that happens, I do tend to come down with colds and flus and infections. So I shouldn't be surprised that my body has rebelled and given me the worst of all possible viruses in order to get me to stop overbooking my life. This seems an extreme remedy to me though. Wouldn't a simple head cold or a case of strep have been enough?

Probably not. I have too much going on: finishing up c group, planning for the life together retreat, leading worship, family coming into town, and trying to find time to spend with my boyfriend and other friends. Oh, and time to spend with God. That would be good too.

So, I guess this week is a good reminder to slow down, prioritize, stop overcommitting, and get good rest. Now if I can just get better before June, because I have a ton of things to do then...

I know, I know. I'll take it easy.

What a difference a day (or seven weeks) makes...

2009-05-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

Haven't been blogging much lately. Been too busy getting to know this fabulous guy named Jeremy.

But today I found out that the site filters at LUBI are no longer blocking my blog, so I can write on my lunch hour. This bodes well for more frequent updates.

So, first update would have to be on the relationship status, I suppose. Facebook friends have seen the constant stream of "I'm incandescently happy" status updates and some Superpoke PDA, but what is really going on?

Well, I am in love. Really, truly, in love, beyond anything I have ever known before.

I was chatting with my college roommate Hilary, who married the love of her life three years ago this month, about how she felt when she fell in love with her husband. She said that all of her preconceived notions about what she wanted in a guy were dashed when she met Jon. She didn't know that there was a man like him, that guys like him existed. If she had known, then he is exactly what she would have wished for. He is everything she never knew she wanted or needed.

And that is how I feel about Jer. I'm constantly amazed at the ways that we fit together, the things about him that make him just perfect for me. He is kind, generous, intelligent, and outgoing. He is young at heart but not immature, hilarious and fun-loving but not irresponsible. We share viewpoints on politics, religion, money, childrearing, and a whole host of other important and unimportant topics, including the crucial one: a mutual love of science fiction. We are both very different and very much the same, complementing each other and finding acres and acres of common ground. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, and he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

But beyond the personality and compatibility questions, the most important thing is that he loves Jesus more than anyone or anything in the whole entire world. When he talks about God or Scripture or the Holy Spirit, he comes alive, and I realize that the most attractive thing about a guy is his commitment to being a disciple of Christ.

So, all that to say, things are going very well. I'm still amazed at how God works. I was perusing some old blog posts and journal entries and found myself bowled over by how God has been leading me on the path to meet this man. Two years ago in my quiet times with God I started to get these verses in Isaiah about change, about the Lord doing new things, about streams in the wilderness. Since then I've experienced a lot of growth and healing, including the amazing reconciliations of last year. I've been finding out what it means to be me and pursuing freedom from the anxiety that has plagued me for years and this past Lent came to a real place of contentment and stillness before God. This journey has brought me to a place where I feel the most at peace, the most myself, than I have ever felt.

I've always been told that God doesn't bring you the man of your dreams until you are first at peace with yourself and being single. I always laughed and said that I would never be able to give up that desire for a relationship, would never be okay with being single, so God must have a different plan for me. But apparently I was wrong. Because back there in March I literally wrote in my journal that I wanted nothing but God's will, that my hope was in God and not in the fulfillment of my dreams, that Jesus was more than enough. I wrote that I would be still and know that He is God.

And less than a week later, He introduced me to Jer.

I never gave up my desires and dreams, but I learned to let God hold them, and to live in contentment. I still love the definition of contentment that Dr. Spencer shared at last year's Life Together retreat: "contentment is the hope that frees us to live an unsatisfied life in a satisfying way." Finding that place of contentment is kind of like pursuing humility: you can't really try for it, you just have to live it. You have to focus on God more than anything else and allow Him to change your heart. You'll never be okay with being single by trying to be okay being single. Trust me, I tried. The only prayer that works is that of the father in Mark 9:24: "I believe, help my unbelief!"

I prayed that prayer, and He was faithful.

Even in the midst of this amazing blessing, I realize that life is still life, and there will be many times in the future when I will have to pray that prayer again and again and remind myself that God's faithfulness and love know no bounds. But for now, in this season, I will continue to update my status with statements like, "Rebecca is amazed at the goodness of God and the awesomeness of her boyfriend."

Groan as much as you want, you can't steal my happiness!

God Loves Surprises

2009-04-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

Lent is coming to a close, and as we celebrate Passover and Good Friday, in preparation for Easter Sunday, I am reflecting on how much my life has changed in these 40 days.

I could not have guessed on Ash Wednesday, way back there in February, that these weeks would bring me such blessing. I knew that God was up to something, and that the call I felt to observe a strict fast and really make time for Him during the season was important. It wasn't just some whim, but a real conviction that God was asking me to go deep with Him and wait in hope for Him.

Hope seemed to be the theme-putting aside false hopes, learning to allow myself to experience the bittersweet pain of unrealized hope, and ultimately remembering that my hope must be in the Giver of blessings and not in the blessings or the methods He uses. In the midst of giving up certain foods and ways of spending my time, I found myself being able to also give up some of my fear, my disbelief, and my inability to trust. I experienced a lot of joy and peace as I spent time in prayer and worship and had encouraging talks with friends about how good our God is. The Spirit worked in my heart and drew me closer to God than I had been in months, and I found that for perhaps the first time, I was really learning how to be still and know that He is God.

But none of this prepared me for the surprise that God had waiting for me.

His name is Jeremy.

Faithfulness

2009-04-07T05:52:00.000-07:00

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

~Lamentations 3:19-26

My heart is so full right now I can't even tell you. The last month has been incredible, and last night...well, that is another blog post.

But for right now, I can tell you, that God is faithful. So incredibly faithful. And I know that I knew that He was faithful, but every now and then, when you get a taste of the blessings, when it is just staring you in the face, and you realize that He was planning this all along, that He had this trick up His sleeve, that all those nights when you were alone and frustrated and asking God why and how long, He knew, and He was just waiting with delicious anticipation to bring you a bit of goodness here on this earth in this life, well, that just blows you away.

Mourning

2009-03-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I was at the Life Together fellowship night, laughing and eating and rejoicing that everything was going so well. It was a fantastic event-tons of new people came out, everyone had a great time, ate lots of food, played lots of games. Best of all, the main reason that the event went well is because now I have a full team of Questers helping to make everything happen. There is a new group of folks who have joined the ministry team in the past month, and along with a couple of dedicated team alums we are planning a good list of events (including our annual retreat!) and I am really excited to see where the ministry will go, especially since I plan to step down from the ministry leader role this August.

In the midst of this fun night, Pastor Eugene showed up and crashed the party. We always give PE a hard time when he comes by Life Together events, because the ministry is supposed to be for post-college/pre-family Questers, which is definitely not PE's demographic.
He joked around a little with folks, but when I went to go talk to him, he told me why he had been in the neighborhood. He told me that he had been called to Craig Wong's home, because the battle with cancer was not going well, and Craig was expected to pass away that night or the next day.

When he said that, it all came rushing back. The times in the hospital, seeing my grandma fight the cancer that stole her life. The phone call from my mom on a Sunday night after church telling me that my grandma was nearing the end. Breaking down on the phone with a friend as I couldn't handle the sorrow that immediately began to set in. Waiting anxiously at work the next morning for word. The feeling in my stomach when the phone rang, and I knew, even before I picked it up, that she was gone.

After PE left and I sat down to play some Bible Scattergories with friends, I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening, but my spirit was praying. Praying for Craig, that his passing would be peaceful and he would be safe in his Savior's arms. Praying for Craig's wife Betty, who is experiencing one of the hardest things a person can feel in this life. Praying for my mother, still grieving my grandma's passing and trying to deal with all the decisions and details about estates and wills and houses that are overwhelming her. Praying that someday cancer will no longer have the power to take our loved ones away. Praying that in the midst of this sorrow, there would be a way for us to see how God will work all things together for good.

Sunday at church we all heard the news: Craig had finished this life and had gone home. We prayed and we worshipped, and as we sang, I cried, for Craig and Betty, for their young children, who like me will grow up not knowing a parent, for my grandma, for all those who have lost someone to cancer. We mourn with those who mourn, and our sorrows expand our hearts so that we can carry the burden of others' sorrows. But the Spirit gives us gladness for our mourning, as we seek Him, as we bring our broken hearts and lay them at His feet. And so the last song we sang became the cry of my heart, the cry of all of us who have loved and lost:

God will you make us
A people that love You
Please take our offerings
That we set before You
God hear our prayers
That we're lifting up to You
God see our tears
That we're struggling to see through
God, hear our prayers to You

Status Updates

2009-03-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

I love technology. Yes, I am a romantic, and I love to read old novels and light candles and all of that, and am not very handy with technological gidgets and widgets. But I greatly appreciate computers and highspeed internet access. While my eyes might glaze over after about 30 seconds whenever my geek friends start spewing technobabble, I love them and love that when I am faced with the blue screen of death, I have someone to call. I should probably figure out how to take care of my own laptop, but when some of your best guy friends are IT nerds, why bother?

I'm a devoted fan of Gmail. I don't know how I ever lived before I switched. The chatting, the way it is organized in conversations, the usefulness of google docs and google calendar and google reader and google groups. I could go on forever. I get to work and sign into my gmail, and although my "draconian" company blocks gchat as well as all social networking sites (I actually had a friend use that adjective after learning I was being blocked from gchat. Love it) I spend all day with my gmail up, ready to respond to any email you might send me. I love social networking sites, and would spend all day updating my Twitter status if it wasn't for this virtual wall that the Large Unnamed Banking Institution has constructed. I guess that is a good thing, since I should be working!

Since gchat is blocked, I subvert that by sending countless emails throughout the day, mostly to my friend the Kiwi. We have literally sent thousands of emails over the past year. I searched for her name (another fabulous benefit of gmail) and found 502 conversations. Some of our conversations have actually been longer than the gmail limit of 100 messages. Even at an average of 30 messages a conversation (which is not a stretch: as I write this, we are on a 52 message conversation) that's 15,000 emails. As the Kiwi would say, booyah!

But the biggest and best is, of course, Facebook. The status updates, the links, the notes, the applications. Especially superpoke. I mean, where else do you get to take sexy back from your roommate and then throw a sheep at a friend after having a conversation about the old pc game Worms? You can have an impromptu dance party in your kitchen and ten minutes later the photos are uploaded and you are making funny comments on them. Too much fun.

I love reading other people's status updates and laughing at their witty notes. And I will admit to spending too much time thinking of clever updates to my status. But as fun as it is, sometimes status updates are insufficient to explain how you are feeling.

I ran into that last night. I had just gotten home from visiting my friend and former co-leader's C group, where we ate and laughed and talked about Passover and communion and messianic prophecy. I was reflecting on the good friends that are in that group and the awesome lunch I had enjoyed with one of them the day before, as well as my own C group and the faithful people who come and share their hearts and lives with me. I was meditating on Lent and the peace that I have been feeling the last week but also the awareness of my own sin and sorrow. I was overcome by the goodness and mercy of God, that He chose to be that Passover lamb for us, that He was pierced for our transgressions, that by the stripes on His back I am healed.

I kept changing my status. Rebecca has a full heart. No, what kind of status is that. Full of what? Rebecca is grateful. Well, yes, but that's not enough of a word. Rebecca is thinking about how blessed she is. Well, but I am also thinking about what a sinner I am, and the dark places in my life right now, and while I am blessed in spite of all that, you need more explanation.

So what did I settle on? Rebecca can't come up with a status message that explains how she is feeling. As great as all this technology is, there is no way to summarize a heart overcome by a jumble of peace, joy, pain, absolute fulfillment and unrequited love, contentment and frustration, faith and faithlessness.

This is why as great as it is to buy you a drink on superpoke (it's free, and there are no side effects!) I would much rather enjoy a meal or drink with you in person, and share what God is doing, face to face.

Lenten Discipline

2009-02-26T20:27:00.000-08:00

Today's lenten devotional from Henri J. M. Nouwen:

"Discipline is the creation of boundaries that keep time and space open for God--a time and a place where God's gracious presence can be acknowledge and responded to."

The practice of giving up things for Lent has become something of a fad in the evangelical church. We give up chocolate, give up TV, facebook, whatever modern convenience or minor vice that you can live without, and say that it is given up for God. But is saying no to your daily doughnut helping your spirit, or merely your body?

Yes, body, soul, and spirit are all part of your being, and should be cared for and disciplined equally. But it is too easy to give up a little something and miss the entire point of Lent. Lent is supposed to be about repentance, cleansing, and identification with suffering. It is also a time where we put aside worldly things so that we can focus on spiritual things. Giving up physical things like food is supposed to point us back to Christ and the cross, to His time in the desert, his struggle in the garden. Whatever it is that we give up, we are supposed to use it as a way to bring us into prayer and repentance. It is only a season, but it should be a season that changes us and causes us to grow for the long-term.

I'm giving up a lot for Lent--in my diet, my spending, my habits. It's been quite awhile since I did anything more than give up chocolate or some other small thing. I've chosen to go with a very strict Lenten discipline this year because in my crazy overpacked schedule I feel I have lost the discipline that makes time for God. I used to be a much more disciplined person, but lately the ups and downs of life have pulled me away from that. I turn to food as a way to deal with emotions, I don't get enough rest, I obsess over how I am perceived by others. I get tired and emotional and don't turn to God for my joy and contentment. These are things I need to repent from.

I also tend to say yes to everything, to always be the first (and last) one at the party or on the list to help. While my motivations are usually good, this habit can be just as bad for my spiritual health. For me, this Lent is a time to remind my Martha self that in my desire to serve the people of Christ, I mustn't miss out on the most important thing: Christ Himself.

My mom told me a long time ago that when you are fasting, every time you find yourself desiring the thing you are fasting from is an opportunity to pray. So in saying no to a few things, I hope to be reminding myself to always be making a place for God to speak into my life, and I hope that this discipline will be something that continues long after I start saying yes to chocolate again.

Drawbridge

2009-02-16T18:54:00.000-08:00

He pulls up to the bridge, the lights flashing, metal separating as the boat slowly glides underneath. Other men stop and get out for a smoke, but his mind is on the passenger in the backseat. Quickly jerking the emergency brake into place, he dashes out of his seat and around to the rear passenger door. Throwing it open, he unbackles the carseat and lifts his son into the air. "Look!" he says, "that's a drawbridge!" His son beams and gestures wildly at the new excitement. He can't help but smile back, and as his father heart warms at the joy in his son's eyes, he gives him a kiss on the cheek and thinks to himself, "this is what life is all about."

~~(quickly) written on the First Avenue bridge, as I watched the scene unfold.

Letting Go What You Are Not

2009-02-15T12:07:00.000-08:00

Look in
and see him looking out
He is not always
quiet, but there have been times
when happiness has come
to him, unasked,
like the stillness on the water
that holds the evening clear
while it subsides
-and he let go
what he was not.

~~Wendell Berry, Window Poems #5

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up early for no apparent reason, was super productive and happily domestic in the morning, cooking and cleaning and enjoying my house. Spent a few hours helping a friend pack and move, and we had a great talk about life and vision and calling in a cafe with the sunshine streaming in the window. Spent a few precious minutes at my new favorite park. Wandered around Ballard on an artwalk that ended up being more walking than art, but the friends made it fun. And then had the friends over to my house for food and drink and board games. All-around awesome.

And I enjoyed every minute of it. There was a moment, a moment when one of those old lies tried to come and tell me that I was not wanted, that the party that I was hosting could go on without me and no one would notice. I've heard this lie in my head for years and years. But I looked it in the face and I told it, "yes, you're right. The party can go on without me. But they would notice. And even if they don't notice, it doesn't mean I am not wanted. I put the party together, and they are having fun. But they don't just want me for what I do, but for who I am. They want me to be with them. So I am going back up there and I'm going to enjoy myself."

And I was right. They wanted me and I enjoyed myself. So that's one more lie, one more thing that I am not, that I will put behind me. When that lie tries again, I will remind it of that night, and I will live in the truth.

It was Valentine's Day. And while there was no romance, there was love, and I was not unwanted.

Truth/Beauty

2009-02-08T22:33:00.000-08:00

Living in truth
is too hard some days
the lies are like
comfy old sweats-
you know you look horrible,
but it's easier
than trying to be beautiful

and though He gives beauty
for ashes
I sometimes crumble
in the dust of my dreams
(the ones based on false hopes)
and I ask 'why?' and
'how long?'

even though I could stand up
and be cleansed
and the truth
could set me free

Faith And Economics

2009-02-07T16:08:00.001-08:00

For those who came out today to my mini-session on credit and debt, and those who missed it, here is the powerpoint presentation. Feel free to ask further questions!

Faith And Economics

View more presentations from rjgintrepid.

Time Flies

2009-02-02T19:14:00.000-08:00

Is it really February already? Yesterday I tried to figure out where January went and couldn't find it. I think it was lost in a blur of good intentions and resolutions gone by the wayside.

The month was not completely lost-I can look at my calendar and see that I was able to catch up with good friends who I had not seen much over the holidays, that I celebrated birthdays and went out of town twice. But the fact that I have to look at my calendar to remember that is frightening. It seems as if I am running through life without a moment to stop and enjoy it.

The thing is, though, that while I complain about how fast life is moving, I seem to operate better as a busy person. I am constantly planning, making lists and schedules, and getting satisfaction out of crossing items off those lists or changing the month on the calendar. I rarely have two days in a row where I am not booked. I constantly feel like I am not getting enough done, not getting enough sleep, not enough, not enough.

And of course, when I do have a moment to stop and reflect, I don't know what to do with myself. This weekend was a prime example. I had no concrete plans, no to-do list. I could be busy or quiet as I wanted. On Sunday I had no responsibilities whatsoever-no meetings, no announcements to make, no songs to lead. And I was completely discombobulated. I changed my facebook status four times in an hour and tried to pray and meditate without much success. I was in a funk all afternoon and didn't go out for dinner after church. I obsessed over random comments made by me or to me that weren't really big deals at all but became huge destructive messes in my overactive brain.

Sigh.

Last summer, after the Life Together Retreat, I started writing a post entitled "What Does It Mean To Be?". It was in response to Dr. Spencer's teachings on authenticity. He had put up on the board at the start of that session a quote that had been on my wall for months: 'esse quam videri'. It means 'to be, rather than to appear'. It's something that I have been struggling with for a couple of years now. I am a doer, a Martha, a 2 on the Enneagram, an ESFJ Provider-Guardian that is always taking care of things. But how do I simply be?

And if I just be, will that be enough?

I've been talking about taking a sabbatical for awhile now. I decided that this would be my last season leading both a C group and Life Together. I'll continue to serve until July or August, after C groups are done for the year and the Life Together Retreat is hopefully another great success. But then I will take some time to not be in charge, to not have a full calendar every month. It will be good for both me and the ministries.

But I am already thinking about all the things that I could do during that time. Piano lessons, a foreign language, maybe more dance lessons or a martial arts class. I might end up just as busy as I am now. And will that defeat the purpose? Will all this activity just continue to distract me from my dissatisfaction with myself?

I realized in my struggling yesterday that as much as I have changed and grown as a person, I still have the same tendencies, the same old patterns that threaten to come back and take over, and hiding in my busyness is one of those old ways of coping. When I feel like I am not enough, that nobody wants just me, then I find more things to do to make myself useful. And it's a pattern that I don't want to keep repeating.

I know there is a lot underneath all this, motivations that I am unpacking. And half the battle is being aware enough of your own responses and whether or not they are coming from truth or lies that you believe about yourself. But the other half of the battle, the part where you actually have to change and overcome those lies, and not live in them anymore, that part is harder.

I never finished that post on authenticity. Maybe I should find the time.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-26T19:14:00.000-08:00

Everybody seems to be jumping on the "random things about me" bandwagon, and seeing as how I never pass up a chance to fill out a survey or take a personality test I think this is the wagon to jump on. Enjoy:

1. When I was 5 yrs old, I stole a piece of candy corn from the bulk food bins at the grocery store. My mom caught me and made me apologize to the cashier and pay ten cents for it.

2. When I was born, I was a blond, and my hair was only slightly wavy.

3. I am part Syrian, which partly explains why I frequently get asked if I am a) Jewish, or b) black. But I am also part Cherokee, and according to the owner of Lounjin, there is this landbridge theory about the origins of Native Americans, so between that and the Syrian, I am really almost a quarter Asian.

4. When I was in high school, I had a paper route. I used to deliver papers around my neighborhood in the afternoons and then on weekends my dad would go with me because it was early in the morning. I was even Carrier of the Month once and got my picture in the paper. I delivered papers my freshman year of college too, so when they handed out end of the year floor awards in my dorm, mine was for 'Best Actress in the musical: "Jane Austen Delivers the 2am Newspaper"'.

5. I don't swim, I only dog paddle. Seriously, when I was little and my parents were trying to teach me how to swim, I would cling to them for dear life. Then they made me take swimming lessons when I was 12. I was the biggest kid in the beginner class. I still can't really swim, but I could probably stay alive for a few minutes before I drowned.

6. I bought my first car at 15, before I could drive. It was a Suzuki Samurai, a little mini-jeep, and I thought it was super cute. It was a good deal, but it was a stickshift, and I ended up not being able to drive it, so I had to sell it. I still can't drive a stick.

7. All of my family's vehicles, including mine, have names. My current car is named Katerina, Kat for short, because she is German and very fast and powerful. The Samurai was named Suzi.

8. All five of us siblings have different hair colors and textures-black, brown, red, curly, wavy, straight, all different combinations. If you just looked at our hair, we wouldn't look related. Contrastingly, my best friend and I have been asked if we are sisters too many times to count, and have even been asked if we are twins.

9. I have a little bit of asthma that kicks in when there is a lot of dust or I work out really hard. Which is why I found breathing difficult when hiking in Arches National Park last June.

10. My freshman year of college, I went through three roommates. One was fine, we just didn't get along. Another one was a thief. The last one was great, but attended school inconsistently. But during that year I became friends with the girl who became my roommate for the rest of college, who is still one of my best friends.

11. According to my dad, there is a Garrett's Pub somewhere in Yorkshire that is owned by ancestral relatives. Also, our family crest colors are supposedly cobalt blue and gold. Good thing I really like cobalt blue.

12. I love mushrooms, any and all kinds, raw or cooked. A mushroom-swiss burger is one of my great weaknesses.

13. I grew up constantly singing and acting in choirs and plays at church and school, but I have never had any voice or acting lessons and only 6 months of piano lessons.

14. When I was 15, I was at a friend's graduation party. One of his friends from school said that she had wine coolers in her car that her dad had bought her, and she was going to bring them down to the beach where we were. I got up and said that there was not going to be any alcohol because we were all under age and if she brought it down, I was going to get my friend's mom, and my dad, and the police, and it was not going to happen! The next day someone who had been at the party told his mom about it, and then she told all the parents at church about it. I got quite the reputation.

15. I have a weird habit of getting dressed in the bathroom instead of my bedroom which comes from 6 years of living in a bedroom with only two walls and no door.

16. The two things I own the most of are books and shoes. I collect antique books and they are all over my room and in boxes and just everywhere. If I had to get rid of them I don't know if I would survive.

17. My least favorite colors are chartreuse and bright orange. Oh, and puce. I probably hate these colors because I look horrendous in anything yellow-based. I am really picky about wearing colors that look good with your skin tone, both for myself and others.

18. I used to take horseback riding lessons and go to horse camp and I absolutely love riding even though I never get a chance to do it.

19. I was not allowed to listen to non-Christian music growing up, so my favorite bands were Newsboys and Switchfoot. The very first concert I ever went to was Carman: The Standard. The only reason I know any pop songs from the 80s and 90s is because of karaoke.

20. I was a HUGE scifi nerd (kind of still am) growing up. I watched every single iteration of the Star Trek franchise, actually knew a few phrases in Klingon, and can still carry on conversations about ST, Star Wars, Babylon 5, Stargate, Farscape, Firefly (the best) and other random things. The only thing I haven't seen is Battlestar Galactica.

21. If I were living in the sixties, I would have the biggest crush ever on James Garner. Support Your Local Sheriff, Move Over Darling, The Thrill Of It All. You've got to watch them. So great.

22. I never intended to get into banking. I actually said to parents and friends, "business? why would I want to be in business? I am going to be a teacher!" But then I finished my English degree and decided not to be a teacher. So I started applying to admin assistant jobs and randomly ended up on the WaMu website (good thing I didn't end up there). While I was looking at WaMu job openings, I thought, "Huh. Where else do I bank? Um, I have a card at US Bank. Ok. I guess I'll apply to jobs at US Bank." And then I applied and got the call. After I hung up with the manager I was going to interview with, I had to go look up the job to see what it was I was interviewing for. Six years later, here I am, still in banking. God has a sense of humor.

23. When I was five, I went with my parents on a mission trip to Mexico. We were helping to build an orphanage. I was playing with the kids, and my parents had to go get some supplies from town, so they asked someone to keep an eye on me while they ran their errand. But I looked up and saw them driving away, and I thought they were leaving me with the orphans! I ran screaming after the truck, yelling, "don't leave me! don't leave me!" I think it scarred me for life. I still have abandonment issues.

24. My mom (who is amazing) is only 17 years and 7 months older than me (my birth mother died when I was two and my dad remarried a woman six years his junior). She also looks about 35, so people think she is my sister (very annoying). So we have a tacit agreement that whomever I end up marrying has to be closer to my age than hers, which means he can't be more than 8 years and 9 months older than me. So if you were born before November of 1973, you are kind of out of luck.

25. I love any and all personality tests and surveys, from Myers-Briggs and StrengthsFinder to 'What's Your Coffee Personality' and 'Which Jane Austen Character Are You?'. I own books like Your Personality Tree and Now Discover Your Strengths. I'm an ESFJ (slight E, strong J) Provider-Guardian Melancholy-Choleric with a number one strength of Responsibility (big surprise there). I am also espresso and a cross between Lizzy from Pride and Prejudice and Anne from Persuasion.

In Italian, Please

2009-01-16T21:29:00.000-08:00

The most exciting thing happened today: I bought a ticket to Europe!

I went across the Atlantic for the first time in 2004. That was my UK trip: I flew into London, took the train up to Aberdeen, Scotland (most beautiful train ride EVER) to spend some time with my college roommate who was getting her first master's degree there (she now has a second, and her husband is working on his PhD. Intellectuals!). After a week wandering around looking at old cathedrals and castles, I was a happy gal. But then I traveled around for a week by myself, leaving my bags at a hostel in London and taking day trips to Dover and Bath. I got a bit sick of traveling alone by the third day, and cried myself to sleep that night. But I forced myself to get up and enjoy my time in London, wandering through street markets and used book stores (I had to ship TWO boxes home because I bought too much to fit in my luggage). On the day before I went home, I took the Chunnel to Paris and wandered around, walking by the Seine and eating real onion soup and trying to find croissants and dealing with pissed off metro workers who didn't like my ignorant American inability to speak French. Despite the emotional stresses, it was a great trip, and whetted my appetite for more adventures on the Continent.

Alas, over four years later, and I still have not made it back. Every year I think, this year, this year I am going to France. This year I am going to Italy. After I read eat, pray, love I almost bought a ticket to Rome on the spot. But so far finances, weddings, and real life have prevented me from going.

But 2009 is the year. The ticket is purchased, nonrefundable, no going back now. We leave July 7th for Paris, will spend a few days wandering around museums, then head to Argeles sur Mer where we will spend a week on the beach and roaming the countryside, Then it's on to Italy, where I will spend my 27th birthday in Florence, where I have been dying to go ever since I first watched While You Were Sleeping. And even better yet, I will not be alone this time. I'll be vacationing with my wonderful roommate, who has also become my traveling buddy (and will be able to save me if I try hiking in 100-degree weather again).

So, I am excited. Ok, more than excited. I don't see how I am going to be able to make it until July. But I am going to put the time to good use. Right now I'm trying to decide if I have time to learn both French and Italian before we leave. Probably not. But I can try. This excitement needs to be put to good use!

Freudian Slips

2009-01-09T17:24:00.000-08:00

I'm usually quite the grammar and spelling nazi. But even I slip up now and then. Like the time I was chatting with someone and I wrote "I can shat at work" instead of "I can chat at work". Very classy.

Today, I almost laughed out loud at work because of the following exchange. Mattsy had sent out an email with the list of players for Sunday's worship, and included in everyone's task description was listed the duty of "destruction." As in, "Rebsy- Vox and destruction" or even better, "Randall- Sound and Sonic Destruction". He ended this email by saying, "Just kidding. There will be no destruction."

I found this amusing, and thought it would be similarly amusing to make fun of his email with this response:

"Really? No destruction? You mean we won't be breaking down the barriers in our life that keep us from experiencing the fullness of the presence of God? We won't be storming the dates of hell? I thought we were spiritual warriors for God!"

I meant to say, of course, "gates of hell", one of those fabulous Christianese jargon phrases. I saw my mistake the moment after I hit send. I thought perhaps he might not notice, but Mattsy's a sharp one. His response?

"maybe you have the "dates of hell" HAHAHAHA"

Too which the only thing I could say was,

"I don't even have any dates!!!"

Christmas Reflections

2008-12-25T14:46:00.000-08:00

It's the 13th day of Snowpocalypse here in Seattle, and after many days of either being cooped up at home or having to trek through snow and ice to get anywhere, it is good to be warm and happy with family.

I'm at home today for Christmas, which is great since last night I was alone on Christmas Eve for the first time in my entire life because I didn't want to drive through the icy dark night to get home. That, and there wasn't anywhere for me to sleep here since we have family in town and the house is overrun with eight kids between the ages of 10 and 18. So last night was a quiet evening of wine and baking and watching Bill Cosby Himself (classic) on Netflix Instant. Yay for technology!

On Tuesday night we had our roomie Christmas celebration. We headed downtown and I took the girls to see Seven Brides For Seven Brothers at the 5th Avenue, and then went home where I got a stocking of gifts for the first time in I don't know how long (my family does not exchange gifts on principle). We then sat around the kitchen table eating homemade pizza and sharing reflections on the year, and hopes for 2009.

My reflection was that 2008 was a year of endings. I've blogged about moving out and the freedom from old wounds of the past. I definitely feel that I am in a long process of change, that new things are coming. The verses that have been on my heart these past couple of years are all from Isaiah: themes of redemption, newness, fulfilled promises. So the endings are good in that they are full of hope for the future. But one ending was harder than the others.

On December 15th, my grandma's life here on earth ended and she went home to be with Jesus. She was ready to go-she knew it was coming, and she wanted to be at peace and in the presence of her Lord and Savior. I am grateful that she is no longer suffering and that I had good time with her before she went. I've been blessed by years of her love and counsel and example of faith and compassion. And having the assurance of her salvation and current state brings my family an amazing amount of peace and contentment.

But it hurts.

It hurts to be here at home with family and not have her with us. It hurts knowing that so many things in my life that I thought she would be a part of-my wedding, birth of my kids, that kind of thing-she will be absent from. It hurts knowing that I will never hear her quiet voice or feel her gentle touch again.

In one of my last conversations with my grandma, she told me that her favorite worship song was 'Amazing Love'. I was going to make that song part of last week's worship set, because it was the fourth Sunday of Advent, with the candle representing the Love of God. And it is this amazing love that brought Jesus to earth as a baby. His love that caused Him to walk this earth and suffer for us, to experience the same hurt that I am feeling now, and to overcome that hurt with His sacrifice and the hope of His resurrection. So while I hurt, I also feel peace and joy, and love for this Savior who blessed me with my grandma and has now welcomed her into His arms.

Today we gathered the family together to read the Christmas story, and my littlest brother DJ said, "I know what Christmas is all about!" And so we asked him to tell us, and he did:

"Well, there were shepherds, watching their sheep, and there was a woman, named Mary (just like you Mom!) and the angels came and said 'don't be afraid, I have good news to make all people happy.' And there was Jesus, lying on his bed of hay. And the angels said, 'glory and God in the highest'. And so Christmas isn't about presents, it's about giving and love stuff."

That's what it's about kids. Giving and love stuff.

Forgiveness, Freedom, and Guy Friends

2008-12-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" ~John 8:32

"See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare" ~Isaiah 42:9a

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:19

My life has been changed dramatically in the last four days. Externally, it looks the same, but internally the transformation has been radical. I shared at church and on this blog at the beginning of this year that I felt like God was bringing big changes to my life, that He had put these verses from Isaiah on my heart and I was excited about what He was going to do. But I could not have predicted what has happened, the phenomenal change that culminated with this week's events.

To fully explain, I have to go back about ten years. Yes, a long story, but one that needs telling, if only because of the glory that it brings to God, the evidence of Him transforming my life. And now that the story has a conclusion, I can tell it in its entirety.

Ten years ago, I was a senior in high school. I didn't have many female friends, and was horribly unpopular. I spent most of my time hanging out with a group of guys. Mostly I hung with this group for two reasons: they let me, and I had a huge crush on one of them. The thing is, I realize now that they weren't really my friends. I just tagged along. They didn't know me, didn't try to know me, and didn't treat me very well. And the friend that I had a crush on ended up figuring it out and telling me he wasn't interested.

So I went to college feeling rather unattractive, and not really understanding what good male attention looked like. And on the very first night I met a guy who within a week was telling me how much he liked me and how beautiful I was. And while I said that I didn't want to date at the time, we ended up spending every waking moment together for the first couple of months. As the weeks progressed, however, our relationship became increasingly dysfunctional. He suffered from clinical depression, but would not always take his medicine, and had severe mood swings. He was very possessive and controlling, and I was intent on making the relationship work because I wanted to be loved. It took me awhile to realize that this guy was treating me in a way that was manipulative and abusive. The worse it got, the more I told myself that it was my fault, that I was doing something wrong, or that there was something actually wrong with me. Because I had never been in a healthy relationship, I couldn't see the unhealthiness that I was in. Fortunately, I realized that I had to get away from this guy, as I became increasingly afraid for my physical safety. When I did finally break it off, he proceeded to stalk me for a few weeks and sent me many many messages filled with horrible lies and anger. Eventually he left me alone, but the damage was done.

I couldn't really deal with the emotions I felt at the time, as a 17-yr-old college freshman taking too many credits and working nights to put myself through school. I took all those lies and packed them down deep in a corner of my heart, the same place I had put all the rejection I had felt from high school. I went on with life, telling myself that I was fine, when of course I wasn't.

After this, I started hanging out with my guy friend from high school again. I still liked him (of course) and consciously or unconsciously I kept trying to figure out what he wanted in a girl so that I could become that. Then one day at the beginning of my junior year of college, he told me that he was going to marry me.

That's right-not that he liked me or loved me or thought I was great, but that he was going to marry me. Now, that should have been my first clue, but because I was so far gone on him, I just rejoiced that I would finally not be alone. After a few weeks he started telling me that he loved me, we started making plans, we even talked about dates for our wedding (I'm serious, I was 19 and he was 20, and we had a date picked out). But the more promises he made, the less he fulfilled. The more he talked about our future, the less present he became. He would talk about how he was going to graduate and get a great job and a place for us, and then he would slack off and almost fail his classes. He would tell me how he loved me only to ignore me in favor of the computer when I would make time to come see him. During this whole time, my parents were trying to caution me as well as him about moving too fast, but I was too in love to listen.

But I eventually had to confront him, again from a sense of self-preservation, as our relationship became increasingly difficult. And then he told me what no woman in love should have to hear from the man she thinks she is going to marry: "I don't love you enough to marry you." He thought that God meant us for each other, but he didn't really love me, so I needed to wait until he was ready and loved me enough to change and be a husband.

Of course, it was true that he didn't love me and couldn't be a husband. But it is the most devastating thing to a girl to be told that she is not enough, that a guy can't love her enough to be with her. It makes her think that she is unlovable. And that is what I thought: that something was obviously wrong with me, because I couldn't make him love me, just like I couldn't make the other guy stop hurting me.

I had enough self respect to tell him that I was not going to sit around and wait for him to figure out if he loved me or not. And walking away from him broke my heart. But when my life fell apart, it brought me to a place of complete brokenness before God, sitting at his feet with the pieces of my heart, crying out for Him.

That's where I needed to be. I needed to find out that God loved me, that there was nothing wrong with me, that He made me the way I am because He wanted me to be in this world. It took a long time to learn that, to accept God's love in a way that I never had. I remember sitting at home one day reading Dallas Willard's The Divine Conspiracy, and coming across this passage:

"We will never have the easy, unhesitating love of God that makes obedience to Jesus our natural response unless we are absolutely sure that it is good for us to be, and to be who we are."

Reading that, I realized that I had never truly believed that I was lovable or attractive as a person, as God made me. I didn't think it was good for me to be, and I knew it wasn't any good for me to be who I am.

Over the course of many years or prayer and counsel, worship and teaching, I came to a place where I can say with confidence that it is in fact good for me to be who I am. I trusted that my life is in Christ, and finally discovered where my worth lies. And I was able to choose to forgive these two men who caused so much damage to my emotional life. But I never was able to tell them exactly what they did, was never able to extend that forgiveness, never able to find closure.

Until now.

Earlier this year, I received a message from the guy I was planning to marry. He asked to meet because he wanted to apologize. I was understandably surprised and nervous, but decided that discussion could lead to something like reconciliation and closure. So I went, and it was a good meeting. He apologized, I apologized. He admitted that he never should have made the promises that he made. I said all the things I had never been able to say. I forgave him. And we parted ways with the knowledge that it was in the past, that we were healed by grace and mercy in Christ, and that we no longer had to live in fear of running into each other at a mutual friend's birthday party.

It was a liberating experience, to be out from under the weight of past mistakes and pain. But in the back of my mind I wondered if I would ever hear from that guy from freshman year of college. I didn't really think he would ever apologize, and I still lived in fear of what might happen if he ever tried to find me again.

And last Wednesday, the thing I had been dreading came: he contacted me on facebook. He sent me a friend request, and when I ignored it, he sent another, asking why we couldn't "bury the hatchet".

And so I told him. I told him how he had hurt me, about the pain and fear and abuse. I said all the things I had never said when I ran away from him in fear and confusion. And the most amazing part was, he apologized. He told me that he realized now that I did the best thing for both of us, and he treated me mercilessly for it. He said that he didn't realize that he had never dealt with it either, that closure was something we needed. He told me that he was sorry he had hurt me.

In all these years, I had never thought that this day would come. I never thought that he would apologize and I would be able to forgive him. But he did, and I experienced the amazing freedom that comes from releasing a hurt from long ago and extending forgiveness to a person who had destroyed me.

It has been truly amazing to walk around with this freedom, with this burden gone from my heart. I had been living with it for so long that I didn't even realize how much it still affected me. All of the prayers and decisions to forgive were made real and concrete, and I now know what it is to be set free by peace and truth.

All weekend I've been listening to songs and hanging with friends and family, and every now and then I have to stop for a moment, overcome by gratitude and praise for my God who has set me free, who has given me beauty for ashes, joy for mourning.

And so this is the conclusion of my long journey: forgiveness, freedom, peace, and joy. Our God is so good.

In considering all of these things over the past few days, I've come to believe that one of the main reasons that I was emotionally healthy enough to give forgiveness and receive these apologies is the friendships I have with guys at Quest. Having truly healthy relationships with godly men, not romantic relationships, but actual deep friendships, has been one of the ways that God has been working on my heart. While there are ups and downs and moments of awkwardness, because of the friendships I have developed I have been shown through word and deed that I am beautiful and lovable.

These guy friends I have are amazing. Over the past few years they have demonstrated to me what it is to be loved and respected by a man who treats me as a true brother in Christ treats his sister. I have seen how these men treat their wives, fiances, and girlfriends. I have seen how they love Jesus and seek to grow and become the men God has called them to be. They have shown me that I must never settle for anything less than the best, because they are that awesome. So thanks friends. Thanks Jeff, Blake, Tre, Darwin, Mattsy, M@, Slater, Christoffer, Randall, Miles, Joe, David, Sam, Mark, Paul, Kevin, George, Jin, Erik, and JackJack. Because of all of you, I know what a godly man is like.

Now that I know what a healthy relationship is, and no longer live in the pain and fear of the old relationships I had, I feel an incredible sense of freedom. I know that one day I will be able to have an awesome relationship with a man who will treat me as I deserve to be treated. And I know that until that man comes along, I have fantastic friends of both genders who show me God's love each and every day. This weekend was such an example of that love: the counsel from friends, the depth of discussions, the fun times we experienced, the silliness and laughter. And so, with the past behind me, and a wonderful life to rejoice in, I walk forward, knowing that God is declaring new and amazing things in my life.

Dinner Parties

2008-11-12T21:20:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a post about how angry I am at the current situation with Henry Paulson, but then thought better of it. It wouldn't be good writing, just ranting and raving.

Instead, I will mention my happy success with my first official dinner party last Monday. I found a recipe for chicken and dumplings that I wanted to try, and since I now have a house where I can entertain, thought I would put it to good use by inviting over a few folks from Quest and making them dinner. I bought a fabulously large pot, filled it with homemade chicken and vegetable soup, then dropped in spoonfuls of soft rosemary biscuit dough to make tender dumplings (and no refrigerator dough here, this was strictly from scratch). It turned out to be pretty delicious, and was quickly demolished by the nine people who squeezed into my kitchen. Soup was supplemented by a wonderful salad provided by friends Matt and Nicola (although apparently creation of the salad was quite a feat, as there was an incident with pomegranate juice exploding all over Matt's kitchen). We polished off a couple bottles of wine and a few pots of tea and in all, I was very pleased.

But today I read of an even better dinner party put on by superheroes JackJack and LaV here at musings of a mellocello. This meal was not merely about good food and entertainment, but also a way for them to live out their love for God and people. Challenging and inspiring.

I love the people I worship with.

Post-Election Honesty

2008-11-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

I was leading my C group last night, but the evening of great discussion about God's character was bookended by time spent glued to the fuzzy screen of our television watching the election results come in. I knew what the result would be-I think I had known for weeks that Obama was going to win-so I wasn't too surprised. Nor was I surprised when my Google Reader filled up with blogs about how proud and excited and teary-eyed my friends and fellow Seattleites are. But I don't really know what to feel.

Relieved that it is over? Yes. Fed up with the election conversations? Definitely. Happy that our country has elected a person of mixed racial heritage despite everyone's predictions that we were too racist for that? Most assuredly. Excited about Obama as president? Well, no, not really.

No matter how inspiring a candidate, if his fundamental views on how government should function and what policies should be supported are different from your own, then you can't really be excited when he wins the top office in the land. But as my dad reminded my brother(who voted for the first time ever this year!), Obama is our president now, and he deserves our support as well as our discerning critique as he makes decisions in the months and years ahead.

I am glad that the election is over, however. I am glad that I no longer have to endure the shock and dismay from my friends when they learn that I am a conservative, that I didn't support Obama, that I actually like Sarah Palin's politics. I'm glad that I don't have to be the brunt of the jokes of my friends (anyone who thinks that all Democrats are incredibly progressive and nice has never been a lone conservative in a room full of liberals). I have a wait and see attitude about this presidency-Obama will have a lot of challenges when he takes office, and we will see if change is really coming, and whether that change is good.

I appreciate my pastor's words on Sunday, when he reminded us that our allegiance should not be to a politician or a party, but to God. He also made the point that those who say that clear-thinking Christians can only vote Democrat are wrong, that our reasoning and convictions can lead us to different conclusions and that is okay. Which is good, because I consider myself to be fairly level-headed, reasonably intelligent, and full of care and compassion for my fellow Americans and fellow human beings. And I didn't vote for Obama.

I hope we can still be friends. Because our unity is in Christ and not in our political affiliations. It's a reminder that Christians in both parties need.

Lauren Winner Conference, or, My Life As a Chauffeur

2008-10-18T16:46:00.001-07:00

I had been looking forward to the Lauren Winner Learning Conference at Quest for a long long time. Ever since the idea first came up over two years ago. Finally, this month, she came, and as I told everyone around me for several weeks prior, I got to be her chauffeur.

It's very interesting having an author that you love and have always slightly idolized in the passenger seat of your car. Or knowing that she has your cell phone number. Or taking her to QFC to buy Airborne. Random normal things that are made completely not normal by the presence of a person you never thought you would meet, let alone share meals and jokes with.

I try to never be the overeager fan, although I am still a little giddy about the inscription in the front of my copy of Girl Meets God. But it was humbling to find that Lauren was just a person seeking to share her faith and learning with others, that she wanted my feedback after her talks, that she would share a bit of her life with me and ask about mine. I don't expect her to call my cell phone anytime soon, although it might be fun to catch up with her next year when I am in North Carolina.

But enough about me and my "meeting my idol" experience. You want to hear about the conference itself. It was the perfect conclusion to our Faith & Gender class: Lauren said some of the same things we had all been struggling to say, but in a much more elegant, learned way. My friend Randall commented on the plethora of "big words" she used: words that we rarely use in conversation (despite our often-touted reputation as highly-educated Seattleites). Lauren herself commented on how intellectual the audience questions were. But beyond the deep analysis of issues of faith and gender, she communicated truth about God, community, and how we should be living as people of God.

I took copious notes throughout the weekend, scribbling furiously in the notebook that I had used to take notes while reading Girl Meets God. Here are some excerpts from what struck me on Friday night:

"We always think of difference in terms of violence, heirarchy, domination. The Trinity models difference without heirarchy, community without violence."

"Love, not as emotion, but as a call to participate in a common vision"

"When we talk about mutual submission we are not talking politically. We are talking about a relationship where both people involved are changed."

"The picture of the Trinity reminds us of our fundamental incompleteness. Our gender should be a reminder of our need for each other, not a way to dominate each other."

"By being here, with you and different from you, I allow you to be more yourself and me to be more myself."

"We have taken the story from capitalism that men need to find their identity in their work outside the home and women are relegated to domestic life."

"In our culture, when we find a biological reality, that ends the conversation instead of starting the conversation on how to handle and manage these realities.

And from Saturday morning:

"What if we made looking at women in the church as normal and important as studying men and male disciples in the church?"

"The story of Mary: How an impoverished Jewish peasant girl became an international superstar."

"Mary prompts us to ask ourselves how we expect God to act in our lives."

"When Jesus weeps, He's not getting in touch with His feminine
side, He's getting in touch with His humanity."

"In an eschatalogical reality, singleness trumps marriage. The tie that persists is that of baptism, our lives as brothers and sisters."

"You're not 'waiting' you are conforming your body to what the Spirit is doing in your life right now."

"We are going to be seated together at the heavenly banquet, so we should start reconciliation now."

So much good stuff! So much depth, so much to think about. If you didn't make it to the conference, I hear that the recordings will be available on the Quest website soon, so you should check them out. Be challenged.

All in all, the work put into this depth class and conference and the words of our pastors, leaders, and Lauren have all made a huge impact on how I view myself as a woman, a Christian, and a servant in the church. I'm grateful for the opportunity and hope to continue the conversations and the consideration of all that was said.

Faith & Gender: Gossip, Sex, and the DTR

2008-10-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

It has been an interesting three months of preparation, research, and teaching for this Faith & Gender class and Lauren Winner Conference. The possibility of having Lauren Winner come out for a learning conference has been tossed around for a couple of years now, and from the very beginning I spoke up to say I wanted to be part of it. Admittedly, this was because I was a major fan of Lauren Winner's writing. Her book, Girl Meets God, was one of the more impactful books on my spiritual development over the past few years.

When we started to put together the depth class, however, I felt completely in over my head. How was I supposed to teach on the theology of Faith & Gender? I certainly didn't have a good story to tell or any answers to give. I was still confused on what it meant to be a woman, a leader, and a Christian all at the same time. Every week at our planning meeting I felt like I had more questions than ideas, more uncertainties than conclusions. Everyone else seemed so well versed on the subject, and I felt like the farthest thing from an expert as you could get.

At the beginning of our work, I still wasn't sure what I believed about women in leadership and marriage roles and sexuality, all these things that I was supposed to teach on. These are issues that I will probably never stop turning over in my mind and heart and searching the Scriptures on. But somehow in the process of trying to find answers that I could share with my fellow Questers, I found myself coming to a few conclusions that have given me a clearer sense of self, a confidence in the validity of my place as a leader in the church, and a renewed passion for God's justice.

A few things I have discovered or concluded:

Being a good Christian woman does not mean you can't be a leader: I was told for so long, directly and indirectly, that in order to be a good Christian woman, I needed to learn how to not be a leader. This went against everything I felt in my spirit about who God made me to be. Now I feel confident that I can honor God and my fellow believers, both male and female, while embracing the gifts and callings that I feel God has given me.
Submission in marriage is a good thing, a Biblical thing, but that doesn't mean you have to be a dominated pushover: Submission comes from a place of strength; it is a choice of the woman, not a forced subjection by the man. And submission doesn't mean you lose your voice. The Bible never says "Husbands, lead your wives."
Furthermore, the prescription for marital submission does not mean that I should be forced to be submissive in my dating relationships or any other relationship with a man, other than the call to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ". The call to submission for the woman (and the corresponding call for the man to sacrifice and love as Christ loved the church) comes from marriage vows.
There is no one definition of masculine or feminine: God has made us each unique, and accordingly, we all have strengths and weaknesses. In a relationship, each person will take on different duties and roles based on their talents and how they work together as two becoming one.
Despite all this talk about marriage, it is not the end-all be-all of human existence and I should not be looked at as half a person because I am a single female over (just barely) the age of twenty-five. While I may feel called to marriage, it should not be the only thing about me that people ask about, or the only thing I base my worth and identity on.
You can be a committed evangelical with a high view of Scripture, who believes in submission in marriage, and also wholeheartedly support women at every level of church leadership, including pastors and elders.
The more honest and open and-dare we say it-vulnerable we are with each other as men and women, the more we can work towards healthy relationships and good ministry as the body of Christ.
Sexuality is more than sex: it is the call to be present to each other in our embodied selves, in non-erotic as well as erotic ways, and seek healthy intimacy in all its forms.
Yes, men and women can be friends: but the biggest pitfalls of those friendships are gossip (other people speaking untruth into the relationship) sex (an unwillingness to be honest about sexual tension or attraction and deal with it in a healthy way) and fear of the "DTR" (an unwillingness to openly "discuss the relationship" on a regular basis to guard each other's heart and soul).

Whew. That was a lot of stuff. But I think I did more reading and researching and discussing in the past three months than I have in the past three years. I had huge checkout lists from the library, borrowed books and ideas from fabulous friends, talked over coffee and the phone with wise, opinionated men and women, and thought and prayed long and hard about all of this. There are still many more questions unanswered, and ways these conclusions will need to be lived out on a daily basis, but I am grateful for the opportunity to challenge my confused preconceptions and reexamine what Scripture says about gender and our roles as men and women in the body of Christ.

Next up: Reflections on the Lauren Winner Conference!

Grandma

2008-10-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

If I was a good blogger, I would have immediately posted on Saturday or Sunday about the Learning Conference with Lauren Winner at Quest this weekend. But my life is too full of craziness to be a good blogger. These past couple of weeks have been insane: my grandma has been in the hospital, the market has been crashing repeatedly with no end in sight, and I am in full teaching mode at Quest, both for the Faith & Gender Depth Class and my new C group.

I think if it were merely the church responsibilities, I would be more than fine. Even with the market insanity, I would be okay, because I can (mostly) leave that at work. But with my grandma in the hospital, everything took backseat to the intense anxiety regarding her condition. Last week we were not sure that she would make it to the weekend. I took a Wednesday off work and spent it at the hospital with my mom and grandma, praying as she went into atrial fibrillation that she would make it long enough for my aunt to see her one last time. But my aunt made it here, and despite all odds, my grandma is still with us, just as sassy as ever.

My grandma is an amazing woman. She was an ER nurse for about 40 years, head RN for awhile, and worked well into her seventies. She spent most of her life praying for the salvation of her husband and children, prayers that were finally answered when my grandpa was much older and finally came to God after a series of medical issues (all of her kids were by then believers of Christ). Up until that time, she had taken care of the family almost singlehandedly while my grandpa was a bit of a deadbeat. After he was saved, his Alzheimer's set in, and she continued to work while taking care of him for the next ten years, with the help of her children. He's been gone for a long time now, but I am still amazed at the way she was faithful to him, never wanting to put him into a nursing home or see him as a burden. She is an amazing example of faithfulness, generosity, and love.

I can't imagine not having her for a grandmother, and yet, she is only in my life because of the tragedy of my birth mother's death when I was a toddler. You see, this grandma is my second mom's mom (I'm not a big fan of the "stepmom" term, it's too negative for my purposes). But even though we are not flesh and blood related, I feel closer to her than some of my other family. And this family that I have reminds me that God truly makes all things work together for good.

We don't know how long my grandma has: her myelodysplasia is quickly progressing into leukemia, and while the doctors are no longer talking days to live, they are talking weeks, at best months. But I will be forever grateful for having known and loved and been loved by this amazing woman of God. Her example, her caring, her perspective on life have helped to shape me into who I am. Her advice continually bowls me over with an incredible quiet wisdom, like the time she told me that the question wasn't if a guy was "right for me" but instead if God had called us to walk the same path. That was deep and profound and changed the way I view relationships dramatically. And that is just one example--we have had so many more good conversations, late night talks where I saw her heart for the lost and her love for her Savior.

I wear a ring that my mom gave me many years ago. It is a simple white gold band, made from her grandmother's wedding ring. This is a family heirloom of a family that I was brought into, accepted as being part of no matter the genetic ties. I wear it and I think to myself, blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood.

ps: I will blog (hopefully soon) on the Lauren Winner conference and my amazing experience of being her chauffeur. Stay tuned!

Drizzle

2008-10-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

I am a big fan of fall. The heat goes away, the sweaters some out, hot coffee and tea are abundant. I understand the general aversion to rain, but I actually don't mind it. According to blog Seattlest, that means that I am truly a Seattleite (the fact that I was born here helps too). And I do promote and live the myth that true natives do not own an umbrella.

Yesterday I took advantage of a slow day at work to enjoy my penchant for fall. I walked from my office to Pike Place Market, which is just about five blocks, quite handy, and tooled about the stands, picking up some baby bok choy for dinner. I was wearing my new H&M beret and was consequently given a sample of a French pear from a vendor, who said that I obviously needed French pear wearing such a hat. I continued the theme as I walked around, buying flowers and stopping by Le Panier for a Pain et Chocolat and a cappuccino. I did feel rather chic.

The weather was just right for the excursion: not too warm, but not cold either, with slight sprinkling of rain. No coat needed, just a hat and sweater and a warm cup of espresso and foam. Perfect afternoon.

I know in a few months I will start to dislike the cold and wet as I get drenched on my way to and from the bus stop. But for now, I love the rain, the fresh produce, and my hat. Yay for fall.

Visitation Rights

2008-09-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

October is the month of visitations.

Every single weekend in October involves a visit with a long-distance friend. This upcoming weekend my very very best friend Tenae is coming into town for her brother's wedding and while I will have to share her with family, we will still be able to spend some time together, including some lindy hop fun. Tenae and I have been friends for almost nineteen years, and we still never get tired of each other, as evidenced by our cell phone bills and the amount of money I have spent on plane tickets. Three hour phone conversation: $12. Plane ticket to Hawaii: $350. Time spent with best friend in whole wide world: Priceless.

The following weekend is the Lauren Winner conference, and while Lauren and I aren't personal friends yet, I am sure that by the end of the weekend we will be bosom buddies. I have already read her memoir more than once, so we have a good start. Also, the fabulous Linda will be returning from her Alaskan adventures that weekend. Fortunately for us, she will be staying in town longer than a day before gallivanting off to her next excitements of Kenya, Switzerland, and San Francisco. Can't keep that girl down!

Then-wait for it-on the 17th Matt Schaar arrives. When Matt left Quest and Seattle for B school long ago he promised to visit soon but with all his trips to South Africa and Jamaica and wherever else he has been, he has not deigned to grace us with his presence until now. Matt and I became good friends on a day trip to Leavenworth for some Oktoberfest action a couple of years ago, and he's been keeping life crazy fun ever since. He is also known for giving me my nickname of "Reebok". No one knows why he called me that, since I don't wear hightops anymore and I am not an athlete, but Reebok I have become.

And finally, on the last weekend of October, I myself will be traveling to visit my college roommate Hilary. Hilary also traveled about the world after school, going to Scotland for one master's and Philadelphia for another. She also picked up a fabulous husband in Philly. Now they have moved to Bloomington, Indiana so said husband Jon can pursue his doctorate in astronomy. They're big on higher education, these two. They talk about Karl Barth over pancakes at IHOP.

While I have a wonderful group of friends in Seattle, and can't ever see myself leaving this city for permanent residence elsewhere, I do miss my long distance friends and sometimes find myself jealous of their jetsetting ways. I have also always preferred in person conversation to phone or email, and the fact that I haven't seen Hilary in over two years is just a travesty. So I am understandably excited for this month of October. I'm glad that the September insanity will give way to the October fun. I just hope I have the energy after this month to keep up with my fabulous friends!

Bailout Schmailout

2008-09-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I blogged on financial matters and the markets. Too much has been going on in my life and on Wall Street to make sense of the insanity. And it truly is insane: people are actually taking negative yields on treasury bills. They are paying to have their money invested, more willing to take a small sure loss than a chance at an even bigger possible loss.

And it is all insane according to one popular definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The government continues to try to provide more credit to huge failing companies and cheaper credit to the market, when credit is what got us in trouble in the first place. Our entire economy has become based on credit and derivatives, and this is where it has led us.

I enjoyed reading Robert Kiyosaki's brief article on the bailouts, as well as this blog equating it not with socialism (as many have said) but with fascism. If you want to read whole lot of interesting perspectives on this stuff, from balanced critique to conspiracy theory craziness, go here. Some of it will make you roll your eyes, but some will make you think.

While I understand why the government has taken the steps it has taken because of the general market panic, the fiscal conservative in me is appalled at the amount of national debt we have just taken on. Being much happier as a debt free person, the fact that my government is in debt up to its eyeballs scares the bejeebies out of me. And when we can't pay our teachers what they are worth, can't provide adequate social security funding, and have two presidential candidates spouting about how they will make our lives so much better with their competing tax plans, I shudder to think what will happen when the bill for all of Paulson and Bernanke's efforts shows up in next year's budget. Make no mistake my friends: whomever gets elected, taxes are going up, or inflation is going up, or both. Most likely both.

I don't have much to add to the discussion except this: awhile back I laughed at one columnist who said that the way to beat the market and inflation was to invest in commodities: not silver or gold, but toilet paper and canned goods. That's a pretty extreme position, but with the wild markets, the panicked calls I keep getting from clients, and the nonsense coming out of politician's mouths, it makes me want to go invest in a couple of cases of Charmin.

Today is the Day

2008-09-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

I've been talking about moving for so long it seems unreal that the day is finally here. I've been signing leases, getting keys, packing boxes, moving a few carloads-but today, today I move my bed and tonight I will officially sleep at a new address. It is a fabulous but bittersweet day.

I moved home the summer after my junior year of college. It was not the home I grew up in-we had moved to my grandma's house the September that I started at SPU. I had a bed in my grandma's room that I would sleep in on breaks, and now I was her roomie. When it became clear that I was not moving out anytime soon, they moved some things around in the basement, whitewashed the stone foundation walls, and my hole was created. It is truly a hole: behind the pantry shelves, under the stairs, with no door and one small window that doesn't open. Just call me Henrietta Potter.

I needed to be home at that time in my life. I had broken up with my almost-fiancee, given up my plan of getting a teaching degree, and was generally depressed and uncertain about life. God and I had a lot of anguished conversations in my hole. A lot of fear, anger, hurt, and confusion was poured out in my journal and on my pillow. But healing also came; joy and acceptance were found in my hole where I slept next to the hot water heater and the furnace.

My family had a lot to do with that healing. When you are lonely, the sight of four young boys rushing the door when you come home from work yelling, "Becca's home!" can give you an amazing amount of encouragement (not to mention the hugs they lavish on you when you do actually get in the door). So many nights my mom stayed up late with me as I processed and cried, giving me advice and comfort. So many times my dad has rescued me with rides to work or a morning cup of coffee and love. So many times my grandma would speak quiet words of wisdom that would change my life.

When people looked at me strangely for saying that I lived with my family, that there were eight of us in one small three-bedroom, one-bathroom house, I tried to explain these things. But after awhile I would just smile indulgently and think to myself, they just don't know. They haven't had my mom's pancakes or my dad's fried egg sandwiches. They haven't played cards with my brothers or listened to my grandma make scandalous comments on the good looks of my guy friends.They just don't know.

I didn't always appreciate it either. The weeks when all I did was work and come home, work and come home, work and come home-these weeks I wallowed in too much self-pity to see the blessings I had. But the more people I meet and the more time I spend away from home, the more I realize how unique it is to have such a great family that you are able to enjoy living with.

Perhaps it is because I realize this blessing that now is the time to move. I have thought about it before. I have had offers before. I waited, wanting the right time and the right people. And I have found them. I have a lot of peace about this move (even though life in general is nothing like peaceful right now). I recognize what I am gaining and what I am losing, and I make this choice not out of a desperation to get out or move on, but because my roots are firmly planted in this thriving family I have.

I will miss a lot of things. I love the drive from Burien to Seattle up the Alaskan Way Viaduct (yes, I love the viaduct!) because of the view of the bay. I even wrote a poem about the drive in college (no, you can't read it. It was horrendously bad poetry). I'll miss waking up to the sounds and smell of fresh coffee brewing. I'll miss coming home and finding the family at dinner, with a place for me at the table. Sneaking into my brothers' room and tickling the giggles right out of them. Having my youngest brother wake me up on a Saturday morning by jumping on my bed.

Yes, even that.

But now I will move in with fabulous gals into a fabulous house near a fabulous lake. I will be able to drive home in a few minutes instead of half an hour when I am at a friend's house late at night. I'll have a place to invite friends over to cook for them. And I'll even have a door (although somehow I still ended up in the room under the stairs, go figure).

So today is the day. I am beyond excited about what I will gain. But I am aware of all I will lose. As with any life change, it is a bittersweet blessing. But it is a blessing.

One Year Later

2008-09-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

Last year on September 10th, I got up early, put on my best suit, and rode the bus and an elevator to the 21st floor of the main building of LUBI for my first day as a sales assistant. Within a couple of months, I had upgraded my title to "registered" sales assistant, reflecting the untold hours I devoted to studying for and passing the multiple licensing exams needed for a financial advisor. Now, here I am, a year later, happily settled in this job that I agonized for weeks over accepting.

I think we can all agree that taking the job was a very good idea.

Stress levels? Down. Income? Up. Schedule? More flexible. Opportunity in the world of finance? Much broader. Overall employee satisfaction? 73.6% higher.

I've learned more this past year about markets and economics than I ever could in a college course. And while I feel competent in my job, I am still intellectually challenged on a day to day basis by customers wanting to know what the @#$% is going on with the markets (don't ask me, nobody knows). I also feel more valued as an employee than I had in the past couple of years, even though I am now "just" an assistant as opposed to a manager (further proof that titles means nothing to your leadership ability or potential).

This position, like my entire time at LUBI, was surprise, and a blessing. I have no idea what the next stage of my career entails, or if this will be my last hurrah in the banking world before I settle down into my true calling as a church secretary. But I do know that I am still enjoying myself, and I still feel that I am walking the path God has set for me. I have no idea where the path may lead (although I have some wishes) but I trust that it will be a good journey.

Spice Girls

2008-09-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

September is going to be officially INSANE.

I was asked about a week ago in a meeting what was going on in my life, and my answer included:

Being part of the planning team for the Faith & Gender depth class and Lauren Winner conference (more about that in a minute)
Getting ready for another year of C group
Leading Life Together and recruiting more folks for the LT leadership team
Being on the WAC (Worship Advisory Council) and helping with 5pm setlist/team scheduling
Moving (something I haven't done in over six years)
Other assorted things in life, like dance lessons and trying to meet regularly with a girlfriend to "verbally process"

After listing these off, the WAC members looked at me in a mix of disbelief and horror and pronounced that I had too much going on.

What else is new.

I am trying to learn how to say no and choose carefully how I spend my time. It just happened that a few things I couldn't say no to all ended up in the same month. They are all really really good things. I'm definitely looking forward to Lauren Winner, who wrote one of my favorite books, visiting Quest. I am excited about C groups and Life Together starting again, I am beyond excited about moving, and leading worship is becoming one of the most fulfilling things in my life.

That being said, I tried very hard to get out of leading worship this past Sunday. I knew it would be a busy weekend, what with the Life Together Summer BBQ and all. I also knew I was starting to burn out and needed a break. However, the other worship leaders (and almost the entire team) were out of town, which left me to hold down the fort. Mattsy called it "Rebecca Torture Sunday". While it wasn't quite that bad, it was looking a little dicey there for a second.

Fortunately the fabulous Jessica and the equally wonderful Melissa came to the rescue, and the three of us led worship with no problems. Jessica plunked down some amazing guitar skills and taught us a new song, and we finished practicing in a record half an hour, allowing us to go relax over some coffee before church. With Jess taking lead I got to bust out some high harmonies, which I don't get to do too often, and all in all it was a good Sunday.

The only unfortunate thing was that both George and Matt kept referring to us as the "Spice Girls." Despite my contradictions, it came up in multiple emails. Jessica and Melissa also protested the moniker and insisted that we were more like Dixie Chicks or TLC, but the boys liked their idea too much to listen. It got to the point where I was being sent lyrics to "Wannabe", including a new verse:

If you wanna be a worship leader
you gotta be George's friend
making lots of music
and singing in his band....

Thanks for that one Matt. Really, there's nothing you can say to respond to that.

Anyway, it was especially cool to lead worship with two other fabulous strong women of God because of this Faith & Gender class that we are putting on. Jessica is on the planning team with me and we were joking about how we were a walking, singing commercial for the class. She said we should have made an announcement: "Wanna know why this is ok for us gals to lead you in worship? Come to Faith & Gender!" While it doesn't seem that crazy at Quest for three women to lead worship, in some church traditions, it might be questioned. And throughout history, it certainly would have been a scandalous thing-I can hear Tertullian yelling about the sinful daughters of Eve as I write this.

Although coming from a very conservative home, I was always encouraged to be a strong, independent woman. I am the first female in my family to have a bachelor's degree. My mom, who will be the first one to tell you that submission in marriage is part of God's design, is herself a fiery woman who isn't afraid to speak her mind. She more than anyone has taught me how to be strong yet gentle. But as I work through the readings and Scriptures we are bringing out for the depth class, I find myself struggling to articulate my own point of view on Biblical gender roles. I am proud of my female pastors, proud of being a woman in leadership at church, aware that my own ministries and callings would have been denied to me at other points in the history of the church. But I also see the beauty of my parents' marriage, and I am challenged by the Scriptures and how to interpret them.

The other big questions that keep coming up for me are, what is my role as a single woman? How do I express my sexuality? How do I reflect my wholeness in Christ while also acknowledging my deep desire to be a wife and mother? These are questions I seem to have trouble finding answers to. Books on Christian sexuality seem limited to telling us the importance of being chaste. Well, I know that, and I am pretty darn chaste, let me tell you. But I am also a real flesh and blood person. I don't have a sexuality switch in my head that I can keep in the 'off' position until I say my I dos. And I don't feel that singleness or celibacy are my calling, AT ALL. But I also cannot stand these books with titles like, Waiting For Her Isaac. I'm sorry, but I think that God has more for me to do than just sit around waiting for some man to come calling.

But I really do want one to come calling.

Sigh...so many questions, too few answers, and no time to sit and think and research and reflect. I am looking forward to the discussions in this depth class. While I know that not all my questions will be answered, at least we will bring up the issues, and I think I will find that I am not alone in having these questions (if the reaction from the women I have already talked to about it is any indication, it seems to be a common concern). As I seek to be more myself, more as Christ would have me be, I welcome this opportunity to explore these things with my church community.

But after this, I really am going to get better at saying no.

Pins and Needles

2008-08-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

Patience has never been one of my virtues. I am all about efficiency. Additionally, I am a person who desires clarity, stability, and a clear plan.

God likes to challenge these areas of weakness in my life, on a regular basis.

Case in point: moving. I decided a few months ago that I would move out of my parents' home, where I have been living for six years, to join in the adventure of living and/or owning a home with my wonderful friend Melissa. I joined my fate to that of the fabulous Petersen gals and sifted through house listings on ZipRealty and rental properties on craigslist, yahoo, msn, and any other site I could find. After some disappointments and deciding to rent now, buy later, we found what seemed to be a great place north of Greenlake. We applied on a Thursday; the owners said they would let us know the following Wednesday.

I did okay until about Monday. People started to ask if we had heard yet. No, we won't know until Wednesday, I would say. Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday, was my constant reply. We're really excited, I would say. Pray for us, we really want this house. I'll let you know as soon as we hear on Wednesday.

Wednesday came. I sat at work with my cell phone next to my laptop, which had my gmail up all day. And I waited. My coworker in the cubicle next to me kept poking her head over, asking if I had heard yet. Not yet, I said. Give it time, I said. All day I waited. Maybe they won't call until after work, I said. Five o'clock came. Six o'clock. I started to wonder if I should email them. Seven o'clock. Nothing. I chatted with Melissa and she said to wait until the morning. Still nothing. I watched a movie. Still no email. My phone rang-it was Rachael, asking if we had heard about the house. No, we haven't heard. I am still on pins and needles.

I went to sleep with no answers.

Thursday morning came. I woke up and the first thing I did was check my email. Four emails. None from the owners of our desired abode. I crafted a light, happy, we-really-want-you-to-rent-to-us email and sent it. Got in the shower. Got out of the shower. Checked email. No word. Went to work. Setup the cell phone and gmail as the day before. Explained to coworker that no, we still had no answer. Reminded myself that a watched pot never boils, and that God must simply be teaching me to relax and rely on Him for my fulfillment. Yelled at God a little internally. Bounced up and down in my chair. Took a walk around the floor to calm down. Repeated to myself, "patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. This is good for you." Reasoned out why they were not calling-they had been out of town, were exhausted and busy. Had trouble getting ahold of the credit bureau to see my and Melissa's insanely awesome credit scores. Lost the application. Needed to pray about it more. Were getting a sadistic pleasure out of making me wait.

Oh, no, not that one. That's not reasonable. We are going for reasonable here.

I started to chide myself for being so neurotic as to freak out over a few more hours of waiting. Inbox showed one new email-a sale at Chico's. I don't need any more clothes right now, I need to know if I can move the stuff I have. I started to write this blog, deciding that no matter the outcome, I could at least make fun of my neurosis. Another email: Allrecipes. I don't care about Kevin's teriyaki recipe, I thought, I just want to know if I get to live on Densmore! Drank some tea since I had already had multiple cups of coffee. Researched some stocks. Johnson & Johnson-to buy or not to buy? S&P says buy, I say I want to pay first and last and deposit instead.

My boss finally gets to work and so I end up spending the next hour or two in his office. I wander back to my desk, and there it is-the reply to my email. I open it in breathless anticipation and...

They haven't made a decision.

All of my reasoning is true: they got back late from travels, haven't completed the background check. They will let us know by tomorrow. Afternoon. Ahhhhh!

I email Melissa, explaining that I might implode. I pound out a little frustration on my desk. And I remind myself to breathe. In and out. Not a big deal. Not a no, just a not yet.

Like so many other things in my life.

Perhaps someday I will get over this tendency to freak out and live in stress while waiting for answers. But today, I just know that I will be sleeping on pins and needles again tonight.

Oy vey.

Alone In The Kitchen With A Zucchini

2008-08-18T19:52:00.000-07:00

It is an interesting thing to cook for one's self. Growing up, I cooked a lot, but it was never for less than five people, the majority of the diners being male and hungry. This gave me a lot of experience in cooking large, satisfying meals. Cooking alone, however, is it's own special breed of experience.

I am actually a pretty good cook. My cookies are legendary, my macaroni and cheese has been praised at several potlucks (this ain't no blue-box shtuff here). Also, you haven't lived until you have eaten my chicken tetrazzini. My ex-boyfriend might have had his faults, but even he knew that this stuff deserved three helpings.

Of course, I also seem to have fabulously awful experiences in the kitchen. Like tonight, when I dumped an entire pot of pasta down the sink while draining it. Invariably burners have smoky burning episodes when I cook on them. And of course, my mom will always be able to say to me, "remember that time when you put in tablespoons of baking soda instead of teaspoons of baking soda and the banana bread exploded in the oven?"

Tonight I found myself in the kitchen cooking a fabulous improvised recipe involving bacon, zucchini, pasta, and asiago. Barring the episode with the sink, it turned out pretty well. Next time I might try to add a cream sauce. But sauce felt too over the top when I was going to be the only enjoying the fruits of my labor. As satisfying as my dinner was, not cooking for or with other people felt like too much work.

I recently picked up a copy of Alone In The Kitchen With An Eggplant, a book of essays on "cooking for one and dining alone." While this might seem a depressing premise for a book, it is actually quite enjoyable (and the authors even include recipes! It's like two books for one!). The myriad authors were both self-deprecating and fiercely independent, asserting their rights to prepare a five course meal for no one but themselves, while acknowledging the sinking feeling one gets when asked "table for one?"

I don't cook for myself much, usually there are brothers or friends around to be the recipients of my labors. But I do dine alone quite a bit. A couple of weeks ago I was given a gift card for Palomino that expired that night, and since I did need to get dinner out before I went to a meeting, and it was too late to find a friend to join me, I decided to go alone. It felt slightly indulgent to have a dish of pasta and a glass of wine all by myself, eating slowly while reading my book, overhearing bits of conversation from the loud parties around me. But it was also liberating to be secure enough in myself to not feel like I had to hide from my singleness, from my independence.

I suppose this eating alone thing has a layer of metaphor for my life: I am joyful in my single state, secure in the knowledge that I am a whole person all by my little lonesome. But sometimes I am also, well, lonesome. Desirous of company, a table for two. Wanting to cook for someone else.

I won't be cooking for just myself for too long-my housesitting gig will be up at the end of the week and then in a month or so, if all goes according to plan, I will be cooking for roommates. But I am sure there will still be nights when I will be alone in the house and I will have to decide: peanut butter and jelly, or cream sauce?

Q+Y=F

2008-08-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

Attempting to interpret the motivations behinds a guy's actions is futile. While most (but not all) women tend to overanalyze every word and facial tic, most (but not all) men seem to communicate with reckless abandon. If they feel like flirting, they flirt. If they have a question, they ask it. They don't stop to think what a girl might intuit from them asking, "So, if a guy liked you, would you want him to ask you on a date or just ask to 'hang out'?"

Perhaps this is not their fault. Perhaps we would all be better off if we were guileless and uncalculating in our speech. Certainly it is better to say what you mean and then let your actions match your words. No one would ever read into anything you said, and you would never have to guess what someone meant. We would all just be honest, and when we wanted to say something, we would say it without fear of being misunderstood.

However, life does not work that way. Not only do you have to say what you mean, but you have to worry about whether the listener will hear what you mean. And interpretation in verbal communication, somewhat like literary analysis, is affected by the reader or listener's bias. The information possessed by the listener forms a framework by which they evaluate the statements made. If I know X, and friend says Y, I interpret it to mean X+Y=Z.

But what if X is incorrect? Or X is correct, but when friend says Y, he also knows W, which I am not aware of. And so, really, X+Y does equal Z, but X has to be multiplied by W, which makes Q, and Q+Y does not equal Z, but instead equals F.

Confused?

Me too.

Guys complain that girls are confusing. I think guys take the cake. But that might be because I am a girl.

Multiple Copies

2008-07-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

I don't go out to the movies much. I think I have actually been to the theatre (that's re, not er) for real live plays more than the movies this year, which is fine with me. That's not to say that I don't like movies, I just would rather not pay $10 to go see one. I do, however, utilize the fabulous King Country Library system for the purpose of free movie rentals. It's like Netflix for free: you place a hold on an upcoming release, find yourself as number 547 of 935 holds, and wait patiently for the movie to magically appear at your local library. Sometimes it takes a little longer than you would like, but hey, it's free.

A movie I put on hold a few months back came up last week: Definitely, Maybe. It is a sweet tale of a father telling his daughter the story of the three women that he has loved in his life. He changes the names so that the daughter has to guess from the story which of the women ends up being her mother. Unfortunately, the parents are currently divorcing, which lends a sad element to the story. But eventually the daughter guesses (correctly) and everyone learns good lessons.

Anyway, I liked the film, and I even liked how it ended. But what I really loved was that a major plot element was the fact that one of the girls owned multiple copies of the same book. She had an entire collection of used copies of Jane Eyre. Now, some of you may know that used books are one of the great loves of my life. You may also know that Jane Eyre is one of my favorite novels. But you probably didn't know that like the heroine of our movie, I too have multiple copies of this book on my shelf. Currently in my collection are three, no I think four, editions of Jane Eyre.

Now, the girl in the movie had way more. Probably about twenty or so. I recognized several versions on her shelf as ones I had seen in stores and/or owned myself. She had a touching family story related to the book and was searching for one specific copy (which incidentally, is an edition I have also seen and almost bought once). I have no such story-in fact, other books have impacted me more than Bronte's tale of the governess and her devotion to morality in the midst of passion. But for some reason I keep buying beautiful copies of the same book.

You see, it is not just the story for me. Old books are beautiful and comforting-they are a multisensory experience with their worn leather covers and old style font. The inscriptions in fancy handwriting, the illustrations, the sense of history that they give lends something to the reading process that a new mass-manufactured Barnes & Noble paperback just can't match. You read the book and wonder about the person who has held it in her hands before you-did she cry at that part? Did she throw the book in anger at a lover? Toss it away in disgust? Clutch it to her chest in prayer?

Reading a book can be a life-changing process. As you read, you see yourself, you see your parents and friends, you see the person you love in all their beauty and weakness. The details might be different, but the personalities are the same-I saw myself in Madame Bovary and in St. Augustine's Confessions. These books changed me in ways I can only call spiritual. At times in my life when I could barely pray, God spoke through the writings of both believers and atheists to get His point across. And so each time I pick up a book and read notes in the margins, I wonder how God changed the previous owner's life-if they heard the Spirit whispering to them while they read Ash Wednesday.

I have been able so far to keep most of my purchases to books I do not already own, although I don't count ugly paperbacks in that estimation. I do have more than one copy of Pride and Prejudice, I believe, even though I do not score as Elizabeth Bennet in my "Which Jane Austen Character Are You?" quiz on Facebook (I am more like Elinor Dashwood, from Sense and Sensibility or Anne Eliot from Persuasion). I am sure though that as I continue to haunt bookstores and antique malls I will time and again buy a beautiful copy of say, Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca or Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov simply because of a great inscription or a beautiful cover.

And one of these days I will again find that same edition of Jane Eyre that was featured in the movie, and I think, perhaps, I shall buy it. That will only make five copies-I still have a long way to go.

The Secret to a Good DOL Experience

2008-07-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the thing to do if you have to get your driver's license renewed is to dress as cute as possible. Because then when you are waiting in the incalculable throng of people some nice young man will give you his ticket and move you up 40 numbers in line. My lucky day, indeed.

Of course, this might not work for my male readers. Sorry about that.

I also was blessed with probably my best driver's license picture ever. Awesome. Happy early birthday to me.

Wordle

2008-07-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

The results from my wordle:

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Interesting that the biggest word is "One". I wonder where that came from.

Arches Road Trip

2008-06-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

It still amazes me that I agreed to go on a road trip to a desert location in the summertime. I am notorious for not liking the heat or road trips: as a child, my parents dragged me all over the country visiting family and friends, packed into the back of a VW Vanagon (horrible) or Eurovan (slightly better), sometimes with young brothers, to exotic locations such as Iowa and Wisconsin. My favorite pastime on these trips was to check the road signs for the miles to our destination, and calculate in my head how many hours or minutes it would take to get to the next town at whatever speed we were currently driving. It was a small thrill to beat the calculation, and a crushing disappointment to run up against traffic or construction and arrive at the planned city a few minutes behind schedule.

Well, I find I still do the calculations, and it is still a bit of a thrill to beat your time, and also very easy to do so when Melissa Petersen is driving. My future roommate/home co-owner and I hit the road with our friend David Owen (aka the Biochemist) and headed to Arches National Park in Moab, Utah. We left Seattle on Friday night and drove straight through, stopping only for gas, snacks, and a brief perusal of the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City, arriving in Moab Saturday afternoon. We had a nice shady campsite next to a creek a couple of miles outside of town, made better by the provision of real bathrooms and showers (cold showers being a must when you have been hiking in hot weather).

After the first night, when we walked around Moab and took it easy, we developed a kind of rhythm: get up, eat/shower, hike (and thereby get sweaty and exhausted), go back to camp, collapse into the showers, go into town and hang at the internet cafe so David could get work done and Melissa and I could read or shop in air conditioning, head to the grocery store for food and figure out where to eat dinner and watch the sunset, then head back to camp for a fire and tea.

Our first hike was both the best and the worst: on Sunday we did Devil's Garden, the full 9 or 10 miles with the "primitive loop" and all the side trails. The pictures are incredible-the arches, the views from the top of the rocks we climbed up on-the entire park was amazing. However, being as it has been a long time since I did a 10 mile hike, and we were a mile high in the sky, and we started a bit later than we should have for such a long hike, I ended up with a combination of altitude sickness and/or heat exhaustion for the last mile or so. I don't think I had enough water, and I know my body was not happy that we were hiking in 100-degree heat, and my lungs started to rebel. We would climb up the trail for as far as I could go, and then stop in a bit of shade until I could breathe normally, and then start again. At one point, David actually left us in a shady spot and went on ahead to get more water from the trailhead, and Melissa slowly but surely kept me moving until we got back (David met us when we still had about a third of a mile left, and the water helped). I think Melissa started to get a little scared for me, especially when I said that I felt like throwing up (a definite bad sign) but she did a good job staying calm and keeping me going so I didn't just curl up under a rock and beg for Jesus to take me home. Although I did feel like that a couple of times. But we made it back, and I stuck my head under the water spigot for a good long time and then passed out in the car on the way back to camp. After a couple hours of rest, food, and shower, I felt a lot better.

After that little drama, we took it pretty easy for the rest of the day, hanging out at the internet cafe and then heading over to the Delicate Arch viewpoint for an attempt at viewing the sunset. We missed the sunset but shared a bottle of wine and ate salads and sandwiches. The next day we went for an easier hike through Morning Glory Canyon (traditionally but horribly called "Negro Bill Wilderness Area", someone needs to change that). We hiked for a long time but never saw the "bridge" we were supposed to see. We are not sure if we missed it or didn't go far enough or what, but we did lots of exploring, and climbed up a rockface. Melissa and I had teased David for bringing along a bunch of rope and climbing equipment that we were uncertain would actually be put to use, so he was pretty excited to break out the rope and help us climb up on the ledge and then back down. Not being a rope or rockclimber myself, I was a little nervous, but had fun tackling my fear and joining the fun. We hiked back through the creek for awhile, which was super fun but resulted in a lot of bug bites. However, I have discovered that I am most certainly a water creature and not a desert creature, because I had way more fun in the creek than in the sand!

We had been missing the sunsets but finally got a good one Monday night when we hiked Delicate Arch and then came down and found a spot on the side of the road to park and took the Coleman propane stove out to a rock and made grilled cheese sandwiches while watching the sun go down. It was probably not entirely legal to go off trail and use a coleman stove in the middle of nowhere and enjoy some Tecate while doing so, but it was incredible. Delicate Arch was an amazing site-hard to get to, what with my body's aversion to steep climbs, but so worth it. The funniest part was sitting up on the top, gazing out at the view for miles, and hearing my cell phone ring! Reception was fine, but it was a little windy, so I had to put off talking to my best friend Tenae, who was calling from Hawaii to schedule her brief time at home as she moves from Honolulu to North Carolina. But then as we were laughing about the cell reception and sending evil text messages of beautiful pictures designed to create envy in all of our friends, we discovered that all of our watches/phones had different times, so we had no idea what time it was and thought we might miss the sunset AGAIN. We practically ran down the trail and found that we really weren't as late as we thought we were and then went and found our spot for grilled cheese.

Tuesday morning we went on the guided hike through Fiery Furnace, which was actually a little slow even for me, what with all the stopping and talking about plants and such. But the guides were nice and there were funny fellow-hikers with us and we got done with plenty of time to go into town, get frozen yogurt/shakes/smoothies and then pack up the campsite and hit the road. We left at 1:30 Seattle time and got back around 7am Wednesday morning, a bit of a faster trip back, since we didn't stop and hang with the mormons.

I was so tired. And sore. And not even ready to do another trip like this anytime soon. But definitely glad that we went. We had a fabulous time with good conversations, and only one minor argument in the car about how to get back onto the interstate after getting turned around, in which, according to Melissa, David and I were stereotypical examples of classic male/female communication differences. I was giving verbal directions, he was thinking spatially, and um, I was right. I mean, he could have been right, but I preferred to go with the more certain route. Of course, I had also made the same mistake at the beginning of the trip about getting on a horribly marked onramp going the wrong direction, but I got us back on the freeway going the correct way in no time, without major argument about the spatial orientation of the road. Either way, we got back, and we now know that stopping for burgers means you will end up going the wrong direction on the freeway when you try to head out of town.

It was a great trip overall, and now I have to try to get all of my pictures loaded and labeled and categorized. But of course, I went right back to work, so I am busy and tired, and not too much is getting crossed off my to-do list. But that is okay-it's summer! Time to relax! Time to have fun while not being in charge!

This weekend I am headed to Portland with some friends and the band for shopping and a concert. More summer fun, but the temps will be in the nineties. I thought I had left those behind in Utah!

More photos on facebook

Unrequited

2008-06-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

"All love is unrequited"

-Susan Ivanova, from the TV show Babylon 5 (yes, I realize I am a scifi geek)

Friday night at the retreat we had an interesting conversation about love and relationships, the nature of connection and the validity of unrequited love. It was definitely a stimulating conversation (and not one I expected to have with half a dozen guys and only one other girl). I also found it interesting that I had written the following passage just a couple of days prior in one of my daily writing times (I am trying to write a little something every day, like Anne Lamott recommends):

If you asked her why she loved Ethan, she would not have been able to tell you. She could list his pros and cons, the things she loved about him, the things that drove her mad. But to answer 'why do you love him?' she could only say, because I do. Love is something that cannot be reasoned-it simply is. While you may give up hope of it being requited, it will never leave you. Likewise, you can try to convince yourself to love a person because they seem to be everything you thought you wanted, but in the end, if your heart, your soul, does not beat wildly in anticipation of their very presence, you know that your admiration is not enough.

Of course, people will say this is merely romance, or worse, lust. They argue that love is a choice, a commitment. True, but still there is a mystery to real love, something that makes a person stay when their spouse has hurt them, makes a parent see a child through years of rebellion, makes a wife care for a husband dying of Alzheimers. That connection that brings the deepest part of you into communion with the other-that cannot be found on a pro and con worksheet.

This was the kind of love that Abby felt for Ethan. She knew she would always love him, despite the uncertain future of their relationship. There would always be a place in her heart reserved only for his smile, even decades in the future, perhaps after she had given the rest of her heart to someone else, someone who would love her back, with whom she would have children and would grow old with. Even then, when she sat in her rocking chair and looked at her grandchildren, she would remember the love that she felt for Ethan, and a bittersweet smile would steal its way onto her face. And when her granddaughter asked her what she was thinking of, she would pull her onto her lap, and say, "let me tell you a story, dear. A story about love."

This little section, while just a random bit of freewriting, will hopefully (in some form) be part of my grand novel someday. But for now I think it expresses some of my current perspective on relationships. We can talk for hours and days about what we look for in a significant other, perhaps the merits of a particular person, or what we believe is most important in a relationship. But in the end, we fall hard for people in spite of our logical, rational arguments for or against them. And while I am rather practical when it comes to the reality of how hard relationships can be, and that no matter how much you care for someone, sometimes it doesn't work out, I am still a romantic. I still hold to the mysterious nature of love and the beauty of the process. And I trust that someday I too will have beautiful stories to tell my grandkids.

Kerry Park

2008-06-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on Monday morning, but life has been crazy and I haven't had time to actually post it, so here you are:

Last night I went to Kerry Park. I was happily exhausted after a long weekend at the Life Together retreat (more about that in a bit) but I had caught glimpses of Mt. Rainier (aka The Mountain) and I knew that with the sunset and the not-quite-full moon, it would be the perfect night to sit and gaze out at the beauty of Seattle. Kerry Park has always been one of my favorite places and views, and last night it did not disappoint. While there were more people around than I usually prefer, the view was spectacular: the sun glinting off the skyscrapers, the mountain in the distance, the hazy purple-blue sky. I only wish I had my camera.

I used to walk to Kerry Park when I was in college. I loved living on campus in Queen Anne- it is close to the heart of the city, with beautiful homes and tree-lined streets all around. Despite the busy life of Seattle being so close, I always felt peace when I went walking through the neighborhoods. Kerry Park is one my "thin places"-a Celtic term for places where we feel the closest to God. These are the places where it seems easiest for me to pray: a favorite quiet corner of campus, at the beach, and Kerry Park.

After this weekend, I think we can add Cascades Covenant Camp to the list. I was so glad that we scheduled quiet times into our retreat along with the worship, teaching, discussion, and play. I took a nice walk Saturday morning after breakfast and stopped a couple of times to journal, pray, and even sing a little (one of the best things about walking by yourself in the woods is singing to yourself. You can't do that on the bus or walking down the streets of downtown Seattle). It was refreshing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

The whole weekend was really a breath of fresh air. After spending weeks and months planning and stressing over the weekend, it was such a relief and a blessing to have it go so well. Despite arriving late (and starting a couple of hours after our scheduled time) I was hit by such a feeling of joy and excitement when the cars started to arrive and my friends and fellow Questers started to scramble out. There were people I knew well and people I had barely met, and while I didn't become best friends with every single person (that would have been impossible) by the end of the weekend I had experienced amazing fellowship and participated in some incredible conversations.

Of course, when we came back, life went right back to busy, as I tried to squeeze in some Father's Day time with my dad before dashing off to catch the end of church and hang out with people on Linda's last Sunday at Quest (at least for awhile). I'm hoping to spend some more time journaling and reflecting on the retreat and the teaching from Dr. Spencer (look for more blog entries to follow). But I am glad that I took a few minutes, even in my tiredness, to sit at Kerry Park and watch the sun reflect off the city and appreciate the beauty of the mountain.

Please Submit Ideas For My Pen Name

2008-05-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I put together a blog post. Life since vacation has been a little insane, what with a retreat to plan and promote (please come please come please come) and myriad parties and activities to enjoy. That and I have been trying to spend more time one on one with friends who I have lost connection with, or friends that find it necessary to move about the country (or the world) instead of staying here in Seattle (aka best place to live ever).

This break doesn't mean I haven't been writing, however. As a matter of fact, I may have stumbled upon a novel in my head, or at least something that can be shaped into a novel. A couple of weeks ago I was expelling frustration in the form of prose and shared it with a fellow writer-friend, who encouraged me to work with the characters I had created. And so a couple times a week I sit down and start freewriting, crafting scenes and conversations, bits of plot exposition and backstory, that I hope someday to make into something readable by the general public.

This writing has been interesting, because a good chunk of the characters in my little novel are based on actual people and events. It's a challenge to change them enough to protect the innocent (or guilty, as the case may be) while preserving the drama of the interaction, the meaning I found in processing the event. While I can change the name of the female protagonist to Abigail, she is still a Seattleite with a coffee addiction and a habit of falling in love with emotionally unavailable men.

My other big question in writing my stories is how to be true to my Christian faith while not making the book into a religious tract. I don't think I can write a book without a Christian protagonist, but I also don't want my work to be pigeonholed in the "inspirational fiction" section. I suppose I want to be the Switchfoot of the literary world: communicating the message of Christ while never using the words "what would Jesus do?" in a sentence.

It will probably be a long process of figuring all these things out as I write and edit and all of that. Perhaps this particular story will never make it into print, and I won't have to worry about my friends calling me up and protesting "I never did that!" But my dad told me once that I would write two books, two published books, that he felt I was called to minister through the written word. I don't know what that will look like, but I trust that if I keep writing what Anne Lamott calls "shitty first drafts" one of these days I will get to a good story that someone will pay money to enjoy.

Or at least, rent from the library.

Recipe for a Good Vacation

2008-04-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

I've taken a few trips to see my best friends. For some reason they feel it necessary to travel the globe in search of advanced degrees and/or job opportunities. Thanks to my friends, I have been to New York, London, Scotland, Paris, Philadelphia, Florida, and, um, Denver. And now I have taken my second trip to the islands of Hawaii to see my long time (18 years and still going strong) best friend Tenae.

Now I will admit that as much as I love Tenae, some of the trips to see her have been, well, mixed. Some times she had to work a lot. Other times (okay, most times) I was too stressed at the start of the trip to actually relax enough to enjoy it. And I will go down on record saying that I do not like Florida, at least not the northern part.

But this trip was AMAZING. Yes, worthy of the all-caps description. Granted, she had to work the first two days, but the first day it was late enough in the morning for me to be able to sleep in and then head to town with her, spending my day shopping and walking around the beach (which was across the street from the mall). And the second day, when she had to work early, I slept in and then lounged by the pool for several hours. I achieved such a level of relaxation that I even got a little sunburnt.

(See, at my old job at LUBI, going on vacation meant that you had twice as much to do before your trip (in order to prepare your staff for your absence) and twice as much work when you got back (in order to clean up the mess they had made despite the effort you made before leaving). Because of this, I could never really unwind, being so stressed before I arrived that I couldn't quite make it past "normal" to "relaxed.")

Anyway, that night we left for the Big Island with Tenae's roommate Tina and our politician-manservant Joseph. Joe is the perfect traveling companion for a group of girls-he opens doors, pumps gas, and brings you coffee in bed. Seriously. We call him the politician because he is good at making new friends in unfamiliar places, walking up to strangers and making them love him. And he can dance. These are just some of the reasons why from time to time you could hear one (or all) of us yell out to Hilo, "Vote for Joe!"

While on the Big Island, we saw some incredible sights. Black sand beaches, a green sand beach (accessible only by a four-wheel-drive "road" that Tenae showed who's boss), volcanoes spewing hot lava into the ocean, lava tubes, waterfalls, and to top it all off, snow. We had a ton of fun playing tunes off of the iPod and trading in our beat up jeep for a new one, turning off all the lights in the lava cave and experiencing true darkness, and enjoying some impromptu swing-dancing at the jazz club (if only the waitress had been a bit more attentive to the fact that we wanted to eat before we had to leave for the airport).

When we got back, Tenae had another day off, so we went hiking and conquered a rather steep ridge that gave us an amazing view of the island coastline. Despite a minor disappointment that the tea shop we headed for afterwards was closed, we enjoyed the rest of our afternoon, eating some more good food and heading up to the North Shore to watch the sun set.

The morning of my departure, I told Tenae that this had to be one of the best trips I had ever taken to visit her. I was able to relax, her days off worked perfectly for our plans, we saw beautiful sights, and enjoyed good conversations. Best of all, our friendship is stronger than ever, because as we both allow God to work on us, He brings us closer together in our friendship and shared faith.

So while she and her fantastic roommate might be leaving the beautiful islands and heading for the east coast, I will look forward to my next trip to see her. Even though it will be to North Carolina.

The Politician-Manservant

I Told You

2008-04-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

I told you.

So many times
So many ways

When I was leaving and couldn't
go without seeing
your face
touching
your arm
meeting
your eyes

Didn't you read it there?
The sonnet I had written
dedicated to you
perhaps it was too small
my fields of hazel
are not wide and innocent

But didn't you hear?
the catch in my voice
I tried to make my goodbye
Cheerful
unaffected
When I was crying

Perhaps my acting was too good

But I was sure you would know
Thought my heart was obvious
always dancing on my sleeve

Thought the tears would show
not stay bottled
lined up perfectly
on the shelves of my soul

How could you not know?

I told you

So many nights like this
Hellos and goodbyes
Each one a telling

Were you not listening?
Should I have shouted?
Given up my attempts to remain calm?

I held it in until I felt I would implode

Should I have let it go?

Perhaps I should let you go

Because I told you

and you didn't want to hear it

This is a rough first draft, but it came all at once, after thinking a bit on someone's comment that girls are not as obvious in our romantic "signals" as we think we are. I find that my poetry is better read, or performed. When I write, I imagine someone speaking the words to me, but I'm not skilled enough to communicate the tone and inflection perfectly.
I think in the end, I am more of a screenwriter, always thinking about how the scene would be acted, how I would read each line, the facial expressions that would go along with it. Maybe someday I will attempt to write a play. But we'll work on the poetry and short stories first.

Sigh...

2008-04-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, here we go. Disclaimer: this is going to be an extremely honest, and perhaps slightly vulnerable post. Be kind.

Pastor Eugene wrote a blog post this week on guys and dating at Quest. I have now officially been given the classification of "QSW"-Quest Single Woman. In this post, he relates a joke from a friend of mine at Quest about the lack of, shall we say, prospects at Quest. He also calls on the QSM (Quest Single Man) population to step up their game.

Now, I don't think that all the cute guys at Quest are visitors, as the joke went. On the contrary, I think that there are plenty of cute QSMs. I find many of them attractive in myriad ways. As a matter of fact, there are very few guys at Quest that I wouldn't date.

But I understand the sentiment behind the joke. In my two and a half years at Quest, I have NEVER been asked out. And just this past week I have had more than one conversation with other QSW friends who have expressed the same frustration, to the point where one friend called the situation "hopeless".

Somehow I think in our determination to not be like the church across the bridge, we have missed the truth that it is perfectly reasonable to date people at church as long as we do it with honesty, integrity, and character. No, church should not be a meet market, but where better to find people that share your values then at the church you call home?

There has been quite the discussion on PE's post. I would like to answer a couple of comments, if I may. One guy asked about girls initiating, asking guys out instead of expecting the guys to do all the work. While I can understand that question, allow me to share my personal feelings on this.

There are times I have come close to asking a guy out. I have liked guys and known that they were oblivious and thought that perhaps, if I made a move, they would see the light and we would go from there. I mean, I would make a kickass girlfriend. Seriously, I don't say that lightly. I have my issues, my faults and my baggage, but I also seek honesty and openness in relationship, and I love to have fun. I know that we are all broken people but we can find beauty in accepting each other as we are and finding the unique ways that God has created us.

But I've also been told that I am intimidating, and that this is why guys don't ask me out. I don't really know why I am intimidating-I am not the most beautiful, or the most intelligent, or the most accomplished girl at Quest. Perhaps it is because I lead things-C group, ministry, worship. Perhaps it is because I am...well...not petite. But I would really really really love it if a guy would want me enough to get over my intimidation factor and pursue me. That's my own personal relationship need. Otherwise, I guess I would always feel that I had to convince the guy, or perhaps intimidate him, into liking me. I don't want that. I want to be wanted.

I'm not saying every girl is like that, although a lot of girls I talk to do desire to be pursued. Perhaps it is just how we are wired. But there are other girls I know at Quest that would be willing to ask a guy out, if they thought that he was actually interested in dating someone.

Another issue I see is that we all have some skewed view of what we want, who the perfect person is for us. We imagine a certain look, a certain personality, whatever it may be. And when we meet someone new, we compare them to our supposed ideal or "perfect match" and when they don't measure up to the fantasy, we write them off. But I once met a guy who seemed to be the exact "ideal guy" I had imagined in college. And you know what? He was completely wrong for me. I've since learned to be more open to possibilities, open to take a chance on someone I might not have considered before, but who could turn out to be an amazing friend and/or partner in life.

But so far, no one has wanted to take that chance on me.

So to all the QSMs, this QSW (and most of my friends) would give you a chance, if you would take a chance on us. I can't guarantee it will work out, and maybe at times it will be hard or awkward. But I hope you would find us worth the risk.

To Be Fully Known

2008-03-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

This past week I have been reflecting on an interesting interaction I had. I was meeting a couple of friends to go see a concert, and there was a fourth person coming whom I didn't know. But when he showed up and was introduced to me, he said, "oh yeah, I know Rebecca."

Really?

I think I had seen him before at Quest, but I know I had never been introduced to him or had a conversation with him. We all had a fun time that night, but I couldn't help thinking about that statement and how revealing it was.

What does it mean to really be known? Pastor Eugene was speaking on the story of Ananias and Sapphira again this week and talking about how we as people want to be seen and known and praised. We want recognition. We desire acclaim. I agree that we all too often desire glory for ourselves more than we desire glory for God. But I also know that for myself, there is something deeper than this desire for praise: the desire to be truly known.

See, when I thought about that statement that my new friend made on Monday, I realized that too many people know of me, but not many people really know me. They know my name, but they don't know who I am.

It's one of the great struggles for me with being in leadership at church. I'm up on stage a lot, my email is in the bulletin as a contact, my name is listed in the annual meeting packet under "Ministry Leader" and "Community Group Leader". But while I am called to those roles right now, and I try to be fully myself as I serve in those capacities, I know that people do not always see me behind the leader role.

People who see me running the Life Together ministry don't know that I had a panic attack at the very first Life Together event I ever went to. I have social anxiety and sometimes panic in large groups. So while people think that I am this super outgoing gal, I sometimes find talking to strangers the hardest thing in the entire world.

Speaking of panic attacks, I think I had one the first time I led worship by myself. That would explain why I was shaking on stage. Don't get me wrong, I love worship, I love singing and leading people into God's presence, but sometimes I am so nervous, so scared, when Matt or Erik or George turns to me and says, "hey, would you lead this song?" No, no I don't want to lead the song. You lead the song!

I know I am called to be a worship leader, but it might be a long time before I get over that fear.

I don't share these things to say oh look at me the poor pitiful scared girl. There are other things I want people to know too: that I love to be silly and sing songs really loudly while driving my car, that I love Mel Brooks movies, that Italy is on the top of my list of places to see. Oh, lots of things. But Eugene made the point that we need to be honest about our weaknesses and be intentional in our relationships. For so many years I hid my insecurities behind false personas and manufactured confidence, and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be fully myself, but I don't always know how. How do you balance the need to be a confident leader who is not always swayed by emotions with the need to be honest and vulnerable?

Growing up I wasn't very popular, so I was pretty closed off from people. Nowadays I have more friends than I have ever had in my life, but I realize that I need to work on depth in those relationships. To be truly Christ-honoring in my relationships, I need to learn to be truly myself, for He made me the way I am because He has purposes for me to fulfill. But it is not an easy thing to learn. Too often the lingering fear and doubt remain, the little voice that says, if they really knew you, then they would reject you, just like all the rest. I can say that I don't believe that voice, but all too often the fear affects my actions.

Perhaps the greatest thing about God is that He is the only one who has searched me and known me, and the only one who truly loves me for all that I am. And it is that which gives me hope that I can learn to be fully myself, as I seek Him and live in His joy and peace.

So this is the great goal of my life:

to be fully known

and to be loved

in the depth of that knowledge.